How Open Are You About Having Divorced Parents?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>So, having divorced parents is pretty common for us kids now adays. In fact, I actually think its a little weird when I meet people whose parents are STILL together. </p>

<p>In college, I have four best friends, we are a group of three guys and two girls and we are all really close. Coincidentally, we all discovered at the same time that all of our parents are divorced. Like, ever. single. one. Even when I meet someone else who has divorced parents, it still feels just normal because its so common. </p>

<p>My parents have been divorced for almost ten years now, only one has remarried. Their divorce wasn't too bad (no fighting I can remember, no physical abuse, no mental abuse, parents both agreed on custody, who got what was an issue but not a huge one) and it was all handled out in court and both my parents did a really good job of keeping it private from me and my brother, since we were only 8 years old. The one kind of really bad thing about it is that the reason they got divorced is because one of parents was having an affair and blah blah you all know the story. </p>

<p>So to the point, I've always kind of wondered how everyone is about their parents divorce. Like, is it something you try to hide? Do you make an effort to try and not bring it up that much?</p>

<p>For me, I've been pretty open since about middle school. I feel so comfortable with it that I don't even think about talking about it...things just come out in normal conversations, even with people I've just met. However, it's not like I talk specifically about it, but I have no problem saying things like "at my moms/dads house..." or "back around when my parents got divorced..." or "oh hey! my dad moved there right after my parents divorced". Basically, I don't purposely bring it up, but I also don't make a conscious effort NOT to mention it. </p>

<p>Some of my friends with divorced parents are completely cool with being so open, and a couple are the same themselves. However, I've noticed that being so open can sometimes alienate people I'm talking to, even if their parents are divorced also. </p>

<p>One girl in my "group" has had her parents divorced for over 15 years, but she still almost never speaks of it and acts really uncomfortable when one of us throws out something like the phrases mentioned above. I feel pretty bad when it happens, but I've always been so open with my situation that it's just a normal part of how I talk. </p>

<p>I've also noticed people whose parents are still together acting differently when I mention my parents divorce. Some act sorry for me and one has even apologized, which really freaked me out because I'm just so used to having separated parents. Some, like me, don't even notice it because it is so commonplace and normal nowadays. </p>

<p>It's definitely hard knowing how to act now that I'm meeting so many different people in college. I feel like if I'm comfortable enough with my parents divorce I should be able to talk about it however much I want. I really hate making other people feel uncomfortable, but having separated parents seems "normal" to me so I don't even realize when I mention it, just like people with married parents don't think "wow, my parents are still together" whenever they talk about their family. </p>

<p>If its perfectly fine to talk about married parents, shouldn't it be fine to talk about divorced parents? But again, I realize that not everyone has had such an easy a time accepting it as me (my twin brother is still very angry), and I hate making people feel uncomfortable. </p>

<p>How open are you all with talking about your parents being divorced? Do you try and bring it up as little as possible or do you not even realize when you say things?</p>

<p>------------------DISCLAIMER-------------------------------------------------------
I do not think anyone's comfort level is good or bad. Seriously, I may be very comfortable, but I don't think it's a bad thing when someone else isn't. I'm not one of those guys whose like "come on, don't try and hide anything". I understand that everyone deals with it differently because every divorce is different, and that's a.o.k with me.</p>

2

<p>BTW, if anyone is wondering, I've been lurking around the boards for a couple of years now but I just made an account.</p>

3

<p>I'm probably the wrong person to answer since because the divorce happened because of mental and physical abuse. It hasn't been as long as yours. I think 8 years now since they were divorced. I don't like my father because what he has done and the fact that he doesn't even want to support us or really spend time with us i.e. take us to the movies, whatever. Anything that involves money. Sometimes he gets lonely and says he wants to see us and my mom says fine and when he comes over. He says you know, how are you, how's school, etc.. and my mom says if he ever wants to support us financially (two people in college right now) and he says no, etc... </p>

<p>Seriously, my mom works two-three jobs now to support us. I feel so bad and I see her always tired and she doesn't even have time to relax, etc... Honestly, because my dad hurt my mom so much and put so much of a burden on her, I feel so sorry for her and I can't love my dad anymore. I rarely see him maybe once every 2 or 3 years :( </p>

<p>I don't bring it up unless it's up for discussion and I tell them I live with my mom not with parentS. If they ask about my dad, etc and if I miss him. I tell them no and 9/10 times, everyone thinks it's unthinkable that I can dislike my father, not even love him. They just don't understand how much he hurt my mom and I love my mom SOOO much. Life got so much better after he left honestly :/ </p>

<p>Well, that's all sorry for the rant. I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for but whatever.</p>

<p>P.S. Congrats on the account. I believe this is the most active forum I'm in besides Doctor Who lol.</p>

4

<p>I don't bring it up if no one asks like "Hey I'm [name], my parents are divorced, nice to meet you." LOL. But if it comes up or fits in the conversation or something requires explanation, then I do not have a problem saying it. It's pretty normal now and not "shameful" like it was at one time. Though the circumstances of the divorces weren't nearly as bad as they could have been (like yours, KidNovelist, or others), I don't usually bring up details unless the story merits it.</p>

5

<p>If it comes up, I mention it, especially if it's something where I'm like "well i'm going to my moms/dads next week" or when I mention having a Thanksgiving or Christmas at my moms and one at my dads and the person I'm talking to asks "wait, are they divorced?" I don't feel there is any need to hide it, but it's not something I drop into conversation just because I could.</p>

<p>My parents have been divorced 16 years (I was 5) and I remember all of it--it was ugly, we (me and my brothers) were roped into things (5, 6, and 10 y/o at the time), there was the every-other-weekend visitation, etc. Since it happened, sometimes things are really ugly and sometimes my mom and dad get along alright--not buddy-buddy by any means but they can be civil around each other. My mom is remarried, dad has had a few serious girlfriends off and on.</p>

<p>Last fall at work I was watching practice (work for a sports team), just kinda casually observing when one of my supervisors (40, married, kids, etc) came over and we just started talking about vacations, summer, etc, and it came up that my parents are divorced. He was fascinated by it, not in a weird creepy way, but in a genuinely interested way. Nobody in his family had ever divorced, none of his friends growing up had divorced parents, basically I was one of the first people he'd met who had grown up w/ divorced parents. I told him about how it happened, what caused it, how it changed things, what things were like, adjusting to it, everything. We ended up talking about it for over an hour. It was almost therapeutic. Usually it comes up, someone asks the "oh your parents are divorced?" and I say "yeah" and we move onto something else. It was the first time I'd really talked to anyone and it was kinda cool.</p>

6

<p>My parents are divorced. I'm very glad. My father was (and still is) a jerk.</p>

<p>I have no problem mentioning only my mother to people. They get the point and move on. It doesn't change people's perspectives of me. They know I'm a good person. You shouldn't feel ashamed about a divorce. Remember: It's not your fault.</p>

7

<p>i don't even think about it. my parents have been divorced since i was a baby; i have no conscious memory of them ever being married. it's probably pretty clear in the way i talk about them, idk.</p>

8

<p>I don't bring it up for no reason, but i'm not ashamed about it at all if it does come up in conversation. I think its pretty obvious, since I always refer to either my mom or dad, rather than parents. Also, its a pretty dead giveaway when I start talking about my step-dad/step-siblings (I'm close with them so it does come up alot).</p>

<p>Just for reference my parents divorced 10 years ago (I was 10 yrs old), and I don't think it was all that ugly.</p>

9

<p>My parents have been married for 30 years, but I couldn't care less if someone has divorced parents. Getting a divorce nowadays is as common as buying a car. I don't think it's anything at all to be ashamed of. It's not like it's your fault.</p>

10

<p>I don't mind bringing the divorce up when it matters, but most of the time there's really no reason to. I don't think phrases like "Hey, my dad moved there right after the divorce..." contribute much to a conversation.</p>

11

<p>My parents were never married to begin with, and some people act really weird if it comes up (or they assume that they are divorced, instead). It doesn't bother me at all, because I've always grown up with just my mom, but I guess to some people it's some big taboo thing to have unmarried parents (you would think they'd be used to it by now with all the teenage pregnancies going on). All of my friends know that I just live with my mom and they've mostly all met her. I just don't talk about my dad most of the time.<br>
I know my dad, but he's not particularly involved in my life. I saw him more when I was younger, but I haven't seen him in a couple years. He's not a great person (has been in jail, is an alcoholic, used to do drugs alot), so I would rather he wasn't in my life anyway. I have 4 half-siblings on that side who I talk to sometimes; three of them live/lived with their mom in another state when we were growing up so I didn't get to see them very often. We're all college-aged or older now though, so we maintain contact.</p>

12

<p>"My parents have been married for 30 years, but I couldn't care less if someone has divorced parents. Getting a divorce nowadays is as common as buying a car. I don't think it's anything at all to be ashamed of. It's not like it's your fault."</p>

<p>This. I don't really care to be honest lol.</p>

13

<p>I think it's really important to the aware of the fact that people's life circumstances vary dramatically. I remember my parents got divorced around the same time as another girl's. We were listening to some song at a school dance and she couldn't be in the room because it made her too upset. I thought she was dumb because I thought, "Well, if I'm fine, why can't she be?" I was also thirteen at the time and have since become more mature (thank God), but it was just a good example of how an amicable (though still painful) split like my parents had was not necessarily the case with her. Now, ironically enough, having learned more about the nature of my parents marriage/divorce, it's difficult for me to listen to that song as well. I'm pretty open with the fact, because, like a lot of people have said, it's almost as common as having parents. But sometimes people's situations go beyond what is standard.</p>

14

<p>Unlike most people I know, my grandparents are divorced. Since I'm the oldest and they divorced right around when my brother was born (4 years later), I'm the only one of seven of us grandchildren who actually has photographs of them TOGETHER with me. I'm the only one who even vaguely remember them being together without their current spouses. For my brother, he has some concept of them being together. But for my cousins who were born 6 years later, they have zero concept. Not only that, my grandfather was in process of getting re-married so... my cousins grew up knowing Grandma and her husband, and Grandpa and "Grandmere". That's right. Two whole separate sets of grandparents for them in addition to their OTHER grandparents.</p>

<p>For me and my brother, our other set of grandparents passed away just as my grandmother got into a serious relationship. Sometimes it makes the world easier if I just say to other people that yes, I have two sets of grandparents but don't mention that they're both on my mother's side of the family. If they find out that they're on my mother's side, then I just explain that my father's parents passed away.</p>

<p>Ha. I'm pretty open about it but don't go into details of their divorce since it was a very messy one. I mean, it's practically the norm that I don't even think about it. It's just getting the WHOLE story straight! And trying to explain it in a foreign language is mighty tricky!</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
In college, I have four best friends, we are a group of three guys and two girls and we are all really close.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>goback2lurkin</p>

16

<p>Eh... my parents divorced when I was very young.</p>

<p>I don't feel ashamed about it, but it was such an awful mess resulting in ill feelings by both sides.</p>

<p>I wouldn't mind saying my parents are divorced, but it actually rarely comes up in conversation if you think about it. Maybe it comes up once after you know somebody and then never again. Why? Well, gee, I don't know, maybe because it's not exactly a "fond" memory. Or maybe a person doesn't want to viewed a certain way, coddled, or be labeled by various assumptions concerning a kid being raised in a broken home.</p>

<p>I personally don't care much but if someone's uncomfortable with it then don't bring up the topic. It's might be synonymous with someone talking about how great their dog is after your dog just died. And I've seen people do that to.</p>

17

<p>i guess my town/group of friends was pretty sheltered because only 1 of my friends from HS has divorced parents. his mom is remarried and he says that his mom and dad have an amicable relationship, though ive never met his dad. they got divorced when we were in 1st grade and it was never an issue.</p>

<p>i never realized how strange it was until i acutally understood the statistics and how so many more people at college have seperated/divorced parents. not that im weird about it, but sometimes i dont know how to react just because ive never really had any firsthand experience with it. but i guess the way i feel is if youre comfortable talking about it, then im comfortable listening</p>

18

<p>My parents got divorced my freshman year of HS (now a senior), after close to 20 years together. It completely blindsided me, and as a result I had a lot of issues dealing with it that manifested in different ways. That said, it was great because now my parents are both happier and I have great relationships with both. I am very grateful that the divorce was quick and painless (as painless as a divorce can be). My parents are still friends (again, as friendly as divorcees can be, lol). I have absolutely zero problem talking about it now, and I concur that it's almost weird when I know people my age who's parents are STILL together.</p>

19

<p>My parents have been divorced for 11 years now, and I only really talk about it when the topic is brought up randomly. I’ve never been ashamed to talk about it. Divorce is so common nowadays.</p>