<p>I am a little sad/frustrated at the moment.</p>
<p>First let me say that I am freshman, I chose to not pursue relationships/dating throughout middle/highschool which leaves me with little experience to go on. I didn't mind dating in college but I don't want a relationship right now.</p>
<p>I met this guys and we've been talking off and on for a few weeks, we've been out a couple times and then again tonight. He seemed to be a nice, genuine guy but I got the feeling he wanted more that just a friendship. So, this evening after hanging out together for a couple hours I say something along the lines of that I didn't want a relationship my freshman year but that he was a cool guy and if he wanted we could still hangout, etc. So his response to that was to hem and haw then finally outright ask me if I would be interested in just a physical relationship to which I flatly said no and he left clearly dejected. I was just disgusted/aghast that he thought I was that type of girl. </p>
<p>I feel slightly out of control of my emotions/thoughts (which is something I do not like), I feel this underlying self-reflection/self-doubt. I know that it is the guy who was being a jerk, but then I have to wonder, Was that the only reason he was interested in me? Did he think I was easy? Is it because I'm unattractive thus more willing? </p>
<p>It is frustrating because this is the whole reason I have avoided relationships, too much gets invested and now my mind won't pull away from these self-accusatory thoughts. How should I deal with these emotions? Is it possible to avoid situations (guys) like this? </p>
<p>I guess I am mostly disappoint by the lack of genuine interest in me, it was just what he could get physically. I am also I am irritated with myself for even caring, since obviously I didn't care that much for him.</p>
<p>Some guys think like that, but not all. You can’t really avoid them, but you can keep saying no.</p>
<p>Don’t feel bad about yourself, he was the jerk. Be glad you got rid of him now, so it didn’t turn into [url=<a href=“http://xkcd.com/513/]this[/url”>xkcd: Friends]this[/url</a>].</p>
<p>Basically, through your comments to him, he realized that the relationship was not going to move forward. He didn’t see any reason to put effort into a relationship that isn’t going to progress. He may have interpreted your response as an implication that perhaps you wanted more of a “friends with benefits” relationship rather than an emotional relationship with him.</p>
<p>“I guess I am mostly disappoint by the lack of genuine interest in me, it was just what he could get physically.”</p>
<p>^He didn’t see the point in hanging around. You came right out and said that you don’t have any interest in starting a relationship. Relationship types vary—physical, emotional, or a combination of the two. It was obvious to him that you didn’t want an emotional relationship. He asked whether you were interested in having a physical relationship only.
You became offended by his question. He didn’t see the point of staying and left. This doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person. He was honest and upfront with you. It was just that the two of you had different expectations.</p>
<p>You need to learn that self-esteem comes from within—not from the attention you get from others.</p>
<p>It is possible, but the way to do it is to have enough self-respect to walk away from men that aren’t what you want-- and truly walk away. You can’t let men that aren’t interested in what you want waste your time and your energy. You need to do whatever it takes for you to gain self-esteem (you tell a guy you are not interested in a relationship, he asks if it’s still okay to hook up, and you assume this must mean you’re ugly and not worth anything more than sex to this guy? Kind of a leap, don’t you think? I agree with nysmile’s assessment of the situation more). When you have the self-esteem, it’s easy to walk away from horny college men without questioning yourself and without giving it another thought. Then it is a lot easier to maintain friendships with men without them becoming messy. And, when you’re ready for a relationship, this way of doing things makes it much easier to sort through the ones who are for real and the ones that are just playing with you.</p>
<p>It’s honestly just a matter of knowing what you want and having the self-respect not to associate people who have different expectations of your relationship with them than you do. Doing that requires the confidence to know what you want and to be open about it, and to expect the same from others.</p>
<p>No I’m not saying he’s a bad person nor that he got to know me for just sex. I’m just frustrated that this pretty much sums up why I never dated because I don’t want to have to deal with this.</p>
<p>The self doubt does come from a low self-esteem when it comes to guys (I have high self-esteem in all other regards). Mainly because I’ve never had a guy show any interest in me and now when one does it was fake. If he were “just a horny college guy” and didn’t try to come off as a nice guy that was honestly interested in me I think I would be less offended. :/</p>
<p>Did you ask him if he would have been interested in a relationship before you told him you weren’t interested? Because if he did like you that way it’s not like he’s going to come out about it after you’ve already shot him down. And, typical male, he is going to go for the next best thing. </p>
<p>I don’t necessarily believe that being interested in a friends-with-benefits situation and being a nice guy that is honestly interested are necessarily mutually exclusive, but I guess it depends how you define “nice” and “interested.”</p>
<p>It just screams low self-esteem that you don’t want a relationship with this guy anyway and yet you want him to be interested in you. It’s just not healthy to be this way. I say that having been through several years of sheer stupidity regarding men. When you are insecure it just opens the door to being used and abused.</p>
<p>My brother said you should get a girl friend who will do your landry and clean your room and will do what you want. I think chicks look for a dude who will do things for them and buy them stuff, but if most guys are like my brother then they dont have any money anyway. So if you want to go out with a guy, you should start by cleaning his room for him and doing his laundry. But I think youre thinking about it to much.</p>
<p>Hmm, (emaheevul07) you have good points. I didn’t want him to be interested in me but I felt like he was, which why I wanted to be honest with him. I legit thought we were just friends and I had hoped it would stay that way, but then he stepped it up which I tried to avoid but he didn’t get the message til I was blunt about it. I mean get where the guy was coming from but I just find that distasteful. Neither one of us were immature about it just was clear we had different goals for a relationship. </p>
<p>Again it is more irritation with myself that I thought he was someone he was not, which isn’t his fault but just a reflection of my poor judgement of men. However my self-esteem issues will not cause me to be used by guys more than likely it will just keep me from allowing the possible good relationships to occur. Yet, I don’t know how to fix my issues. (I would if I could, trust me)</p>
<p>Please, don’t think I am arguing or denying anything I am just trying to understand what is going around me and in my head. What it comes down to is that I’m ignorant. I really appreciate the comments and advice.</p>
<p>I understand. I don’t know what to tell you, though. I didn’t really get my self-confidence with men until I’d taken as much crap from them as I possibly could, it eventually becomes an issue of self-preservation. lol. And when you’ll take the lowlifes, those tend to be the ones that you see first and you end up wasting time with them and not even getting to the decent ones-- and it goes the same way for women. I guess another way to look at it is having the courage to be alone and be comfortable that way if you don’t have any prospects at a given time who don’t meet your standards. A lot of people, particularly women in my observation, seem to have an issue with that. Most of the women in my family WILL NOT EVER accept being single if there is anyone available no matter how bad a match they are. My sister won’t end a relationship no matter how bad it is unless she has another interested guy lined up. It’s just madness. But when you’re comfortable with being single, and I mean truly comfortable-- which I guess just comes with time and maturity (and for some, counseling)-- it empowers you to walk away from bad situations. I think that’s part of what makes the relationship I am in so strong. He and I both know that neither of us has reason to stay if we aren’t putting in the work to make the relationship good for us both, both of us know the other could walk away and be happy single if the relationship was no longer fulfilling-- sort of wards off complacency I guess when you know your partner isn’t going to desperately cling to you even if you’re not putting in the effort.</p>
<p>Can someone explain something to me…why is the bar for sex set lower than the bar for relationships, given that sex is mainly physical while a relationship is more about emotion/personality? </p>
<p>Wouldn’t physical attractiveness be more heavily weighted in the decision criteria for short-term sexual partners versus long-term relationship partners?</p>
<p>Sadly, it seems that the set containing relationship partners is a subset of the set containing acceptable sexual partners. No idea why this is the case.</p>
<p>^^Because a long-term relationship has two elements, both emotion and sex, whereas if you’re doing it right a short-term sexual relationship only has one element. I’m not sure if I understand your question.</p>
<p>My point was that long-term relationships are mainly sustained by emotion/personality, i.e. you can come to find people attractive because of their “inner beauty”. </p>
<p>But if you’re just looking to smash someone for the night, looks are pretty much all you have to go on. So why are the standards lower? Makes no sense to me.</p>
<p>Because if you’re just looking to smash someone for the night, you never have to deal with them again and it doesn’t matter if they can hold an interesting conversation or if they are particularly emotionally useful in any way. Long-term relationships are a major investment of yourself into someone else. I would hope you have higher standards for someone you are going to invest so much of your time, energy, and emotions into than someone you are going to sleep with and be done with them. You get what you put into a relationship. If you are going to put in more than just your sexuality you expect to get more back. If all you want is sex, than yeah, all you’re going to care about is the physical attractiveness of your partner. Someone who is compatible for one activity is not necessarily compatible for another.</p>
<p>Here you are assuming that ugly people are good for sex only…my question is why you think ugly people are good for sex at all. Whereas in relationships, you could come to love them for their inner beauty.</p>