Parental Pressure: a student in need of advice

<p>I'm a current junior living in a house that is very academically-inclined. That's not necessarily to say that my family is abnormally intellectual-- I am instead referring to the priorities of my parents and I. All my life I have felt supported in all my academic endeavors, but my dad is a worrier, and the pressure he has put on me as I grow into a young adult preparing for college has gotten to be just too much for me to handle. He loves to control; he can't stand watching me do anything but homework for fear that I may "fall behind in my studies" or something like that. </p>

<p>It seems like the more he tells me to go "study" or "work", the less I want to do it. He told me constantly to study for the ACT, but because of his pressure (and my lack of time), I didn't, and ended up with an almost perfect score anyways. Though he often expresses his pride in me for the amount of hard work I do, I often feels as though what I do is never enough. I know that he is trying to live vicariously through me; he turned down the chance to go to a very prestigious school in order to have a "good time" in college, and now he wants to see me go to an ivy league so that I may fulfill his dream for him. My problem is that I want to go to the same very good schools, too, but for myself, not for him.</p>

<p>I guess what I'm getting at, after all of that, is this: How do I accomplish my goals (and make him happy as a parent) without exploding from pressure or getting angry with his constant prodding? Is there a good way to respond to his incessant nudges? Sometimes all a kid wants to do is come home and relax, but such frivolous pursuits are, to him, unacceptable. I'm burning out, and I want to be able to know that I'm doing all of this for myself, instead of in hopes of pleasing him. I'm an extremely self motivated, high-achieving person cracking under the pressure of my own family.</p>

<p>Any input would be greatly appreciated!</p>

<p>Potentiality, have you sat down and had a good talk with him? If that’s too hard, would it be helpful for him to see your posting or would that be like you’re airing dirty linen and it would be embarrassing to him? Have you talked to your guidance counselor? Or is there some other adult to whom you could talk? Perhaps some other adult could help you negotiate this conversation with him. Those are my first thoughts.</p>

<p>I see where you are coming from. You need others- adults your parents can respect/listen to- to help you. Do you have any intellectual relatives who can emphasize being more well rounded? Is there a gifted/talented person or counselor at your school who can talk with your parents? If I were there I could do it. Search the public library for books about gifted teens, read up on the subject. You may be “only” bright but that literature can help give you ammunition when presenting your case for destressing. Hopefully your school’s GT person can give you books and ideas to help your parents lessen their pressures on you. Use your school’s resources to deal with this problem before you spiral out of control with grades or behavior. PM me if you need further resources after talking to your school et al- I’ve put away my resources after kid made it well into college. We are an intense family and I can envision the scenes. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Have you ever sat down with your dad or both parents when you’re feeling relatively calm and thanked them for helping you be motivated for YOURSELF and trusting you to know how to pace yourself and study appropriately, as you explain that you’ll surely need these skills to be well-honed for college, especially the pacing? </p>

<p>As Carolyn asked, is there a trusted adult you could bring this up with, who will help you navigate this if you don’t feel up to handling this by yourself?</p>

<p>Parents mostly want what’s “best” for their kids and also often do live somewhat vicariously–some of us more than others.</p>

<p>Congrats on achieving so much, but you’re right that you have to figure out how to pace yourself and you have to achieve (or not) for YOU, not anyone else.</p>

<p>That sounds similar to my family growing up. My dad is a very accomplished professor, and there was a lot of pressure for me to do well. In high school, I got a LOT of headaches, stomaches, and cold sores from my nerves. I think the advice to talk to him with the help of another adult is a good - I wish I had done that.</p>

<p>For me, everything got better when I got to college. I was away from the constant supervision. My phsycial symptoms all went away, and I had a BLAST, and still did well in school. Looking back, I can see that at least a little of the pressure I felt was really from within me, so you could also concentrate on going easy on yourself.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>My daughter said to us last year, I want to do well for myself so you don’t have to ask me all the time what I have for homework or if I have it done. We decided to step back and trust her (for a quarter) to see if it was true. And it is! She may not be the most conventional student in how she studies, but her teachers all confirm that she works very hard and contributes a great deal to the class. I learned a long time ago that if you’re not motivated for yourself it wont help you at the next level. If they trust you, they should trust you to do a good job. After all, they wont be around to badger once you get into your “good” college.</p>

<p>However, understand that wanting better for your child than you allowed for yourself is a function of wisdom gained. Don’t hold it against your dad that he recognizes his mistakes and just wants something far more rewarding for you. I feel the same way for my kids sometimes. I used to get ticked at my S for literally, studying, being on his computer AND playing video games all at the same time. And all I can say is it’s hard to argue with a kid who has done it their own way and still comes home with pretty much straight A’s.</p>

<p>Here’s a slightly different suggestion: study your own behavior. What is it that tends to set your dad off and make him prod and nag you? If you’re like some other teens I know, you may occasionally do things like talk about the big essay you have to write tonight, and then fifteen minutes later you can be seen playing a game, looking at Facebook, etc. Do you sometimes say that you’ll do something (like begin work on your homework) “in ten minutes,” and then you don’t? Do you sometimes say early in the evening that you have “almost no homework,” and then at 11:00 p.m. suddenly it turns out that you have tons of homework?
Don’t get me wrong. It may well be that your parents are putting too much pressure on you. But you might think about whether changing some of your own behavior might help; that will be a lot easier than changing theirs.</p>

<p>It sounds like your dad is afraid you might “make a mistake” and not have all the opportunities he wants you to have. Most of us parents can get a little bit nutty around making sure our kids never mess up. We are nicknamed the “helicopter” parents for a reason. Your dad loves you and wants the best for you. He knows how easily you can lose your opportunities in this insanely competitive environment.</p>

<p>I have been gifted with one child who genuinely couldn’t care less about school, no matter what I say or do. She doesn’t care. She only goes, frankly, because her friends are there and because she wouldn’t want to lose her academic eligibility for sports–though she takes her club sports WAY more seriously. (It doesn’t help that colleges are already interested in her).</p>

<p>She sat me down, she said, “Mom. I don’t want to disappoint you. I know you care about me, but I am who I am.”</p>

<p>I had to accept it.</p>

<p>Since you and your father are on the same page in regards to goals, would it be possible for you to simply say, “Dad, this pressure is freaking me out. It’s making it hard for me to study. I get that you care. I care, too. But, this is just making me scared I’m going to let you down and you won’t care about me anymore.”</p>

<p>He would probably back off if he could understand what it was doing to you.</p>

<p>Wow, every single post on this thread is striking such a chord my head is ringing.</p>

<p>It will say that it is very, very, very hard to strike the correct balance as a parent, and you never know whether you are doing too much or not enough. For high-achieving kids, there is no doubt the pressure can be intense. Junior year especially, is a tightrope walk. Believe me, your dad knows what a great job you are doing.</p>

<p>Just love each other and try to live through it. It won’t be long before you are off to college.</p>

<p>Given his behavior pattern, I would say that wherever you end up going to college, you should try to be as financially independent as you can, even if he offers to pay. It will likely save you both some pain down the road. I am not by any means saying that you shouldn’t go to an Ivy - your college experience can change the course of your life, so I think it’s useful to go to a place where you fit well - but if you’re not going to get much finaid from the school, start looking now for alternate funding sources, like external scholarships and ROTC.</p>

<p>I know that this was not the question that you asked, but I’m a young alum, and I’ve seen, in relatively recent times, what happens to the families with the sort of dynamics you’re describing when the kids hit college.</p>

<p>Now, to your actual question - is he the sort of parent with whom you can have a rational conversation? A lot of commenters have given advice on how you might do that. I also agree with the suggestion to enlisted other trusted adults that he respects, if there are some around you who qualify.</p>

<p>If he’s unwilling to be rational about it, all you can really do (short of something like family counseling) is feed him a steady stream of evidence of your academic success, put a decent amount of time into your work, and learn not to take his behavior personally. And make sure that you keep the things that you appreciate about him in mind, so that this doesn’t totally ruin your relationship.</p>

<p>I would just add that the original post is a snapshot, and not time-lapse photography. My son might have written a similar message on some days, while most of the time he would not have felt that way. It may be that this parent constantly nags, or it may be that he nags occasionally, including last night. Right now is the middle of exams, APs, etc., and the pressure may be higher than normal.</p>

<p>As is often the case, I am ITA w/Hunt. Just last week, I had a talk with my junior ds about some of these very issues. Right now, in the middle of AP exams and with deadlines for summer programs and SAT testing, everything feels a little heightened.</p>

<p>Thank you, potentiality, for your post. In this parent’s forum there are a lot of moms and dads like your dad, and their children are a lot like you. Many of us will read your post and recognize that it could have been written by our own children…on some days. In fact, if your Dad is a ‘worrier’, I wouldn’t be too surprised if he is already on C.C and has read this very thread!</p>

<p>In answer to your question, you should feel comfortable pushing back gently and with love. Parents need to be reminded that their children need rest and recreation, and it is your job as the child to let them know that. I try to remember that my daughter needs her ‘youtube/facebook/twitter’ time as well as time to do the old fashioned ‘hanging out with friends in real life’. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that, and she reminds me, as she should.</p>

<p>Many of us live ‘vicariously’ in one way or another through our children. That is one of the joys of parenthood- you can see your children enjoy things that you never did. I don’t think this is intrinsically a bad thing- it is something to be celebrated- look at me, I even put it in my username! However, it does not mean that we should forget that our children are living their own lives and for themselves. In the words of Khalil Gibran:</p>

<p>Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.</p>

<p>I think that your father may need counseling. You could go to a counselor together, to work something out, but he sounds, to me, like he has some unresolved “issues” (as my kids like to say) and you sound pretty together.</p>

<p>By junior year of high school, I do not check on my kids’ work at all. In a very general way, if they are rehearsing for a show or something and academic work is piling up, I might ask how they are doing with it all. But at that age, I don’t think we parents should be involved at all, frankly. Once in awhile, my youngest is working on an English paper and asks if we can discuss it a little, and once in awhile, my oldest used to give me papers to read- but only after handing them in!</p>

<p>Inner motivation is necessary for life, and external motivators (whether parental pressure, rewards or, I think, even school grading systems and college admissions) can interfere with that kind of authentic drive. Your father needs to get out of the way.</p>

<p>One other thing. Every one of my kids has had a bit of a dip in their motivation and results at some point, I would say around 7th or 8th grade, when they no longer do the things that children obediently do because they are “supposed to” or to please adults. There is a transition time that we discussed in our house very explicitly, as a time of finding “their own path” with school. I think, at that time, they didn’t do quite as well with their studies, because they were discovering what really inspired them to work, for their own reasons and goals.</p>

<p>The net result was, for instance, that my middle daughter dropped back two math levels to fit music theory into her schedule, and is now a music major. My son stopped writing very, very long papers and wrote ones that were too short that year: he learned to summarize, a great skill, but had to be free of the pressure to write thorougly in order to get there. My youngest got a lot of B’s and C’s, and told me she actually hated school, which she had never said. Since then, she has taken courses at her appropriate level and focused her life on dance.</p>

<p>Your father needs to leave you alone, and trust you, and if he cannot do that, I think he needs help, or you can go too so that he gets that help in a way that is tailored to your needs as well. Maybe you, your Dad, and your mom.</p>

<p>You mention burnout. I know a kid who was in your situation, and now, in her senior year, she has been unable to even go to school. I really feel that this situation is more serious than maybe some other people have expressed. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe you were having a bad day, but from your words, I think some action really needs to be taken, and the ball should not be in your court, it should be in your Dad’s.</p>

<p>What about your mother? Would she support you, or does she understand where you are at in your development as a near-adult?</p>

<p>Thank you all so much for all the wonderful advice–such an outpouring of counsel I did not expect! </p>

<p>My parents are both extremely supportive of me–I am lucky to have people who care that much about me in my life. The reality is that the constant inundation of pressure, both coming from them, from myself, and from outside sources (such as my school, teachers, etc.) is all a little hard to take at times. I will carefully consider every bit of advice, and I’ll most definitely do something about it.</p>

<p>Last week I sat down at a state GT review board meeting, with some GT kids from my school and some professionals. The conversation was unavoidably steered toward the subject of pressure. I feel as though this issue is very common; societal, personal, and parental pressure have a heavy influence upon what many teens do. In my case, much of the pressure comes from my dad. There’s a fine line between being an involved, concerned parent, and an overbearing, nagging one. I think my family’s issue is just striking the right balance. You’ve also helped me to realize that I am a part of the issue, and this is a matter that I need to actively confront. My dad at least deserves an explanation, perhaps coupled with a polite request to back off a little bit.</p>

<p>Potentiality:</p>

<p>Remind your dad that the top colleges like to admit students who have other things to offer besides great scores and grades. And I do not mean tons more music lessons, 3 sports, etc… I mean students who can stop and smell the flowers a bit. </p>

<p>Have a nice chat with your parents. Acknowledge their support and love and their desire for you to have the best. Ask them to trust in you, trust that you will do your best. After an intense day of studying, you need to decompress for a bit before tackling homework or whatever else you need to do. Ask them to help you relax and recharge your batteries. Tthen when you feel refreshed, tackle the next step, whether it is homework, ECs or household chores.</p>

<p>Your parents might benefit from some stress-reducing exercises. Just a thought.</p>

<p>Maybe what I am about to say is not exactly what you want to hear but what you mentioned a lot is what your parents want and how to please them. What I don’t hear a lot is what do you want, what are your goals? Also I don’t hear much of how you are doing by your standard. Are you happy with your grades and the work that you have done? All I am hearing is that you are unhappy because your father is not satisfied. If going to an Ivy is not something you see yourself doing and your parents are forcing you to do it then I can see that this is a big problem for your father. However, you said: “My problem is that I want to go to the same very good schools, too, but for myself, not for him.”. If your goals and aspirations are aligned but you are not living up to what you both are striving for then I can see why your father want to push for what he believes to be important to get to where you want to get to.</p>

<p>I won’t pretend to know exactly who is the most at fault here, and I echo many that mentioned this before, most parents push their kids in some ways and there is not an easy way to know where that limits should be. We all love our kids and sometimes we feel bad for pushing too hard, and sometimes we feel angry that you cannot give that little extra that could make a lot of difference. I think junior year is a very difficult year that is full of stress, this could exacerbate the tension between you and your parents. Pushing back is ok and sometimes needed but must be done in a way that is respectful, this is both for your benefit and theirs. Showing some good faith effort on your part also would go a long way to defuse the situation. The wrong way would be to rebel and be adversarial, not much good will come out of that kind of behavior. I am sorry that this is a difficult time for you, and I hope things work out well in this very short time left with your parents before you go away to college.</p>

<p>My daughter says our problem is that we have had it too easy as parents: Our kids did well in school, never got into trouble, were liked and respected in school and the community, etc…so we keep raising the bar instead of being happy with the kids we have. That was a good wake up call.</p>

<p>She also noted that she has never given us a reason to mistrust her: All of her ‘outcomes’-grades, test scores, EC accomplishments-indicate someone who is smart, organized and forward-thinking. So we should just back off and let her do it the way she needs to. Another good wake up call.</p>

<p>So we are trying to worry less, supervise less, and let go more. It’s hard because it wasn’t long ago that we had to wipe her nose and button up her jacket (okay, it’s been a few years, but it feels like not that long ago…)</p>

<p>Talk to your folks. You may have to say it more than once. You will probably need to remind them. But if your behavior is consistently responsible, they will back off and even forgive the occasional lapse.</p>

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No, waste of time. I think he may need Zoloft.</p>

<p>Above advice in #19 is very poor. Intense isn’t the same as clinically depressed. Many normal people can use advice/counseling when they don’t realize how their approach is creating more harm than help.</p>