So D came home for a few days and left yesterday. She had been very miserable, but things were improving. No real friends, but she had been hanging out with people and seemed to be going in the right direction. Then a text last night about how she didn’t know if she would have anyone to hang out with this weekend, and a text today about how she is only seeing the counselor every other week because there isn’t enough to say every week (?), then a phone call this afternoon because she misses us. She left yesterday! We had a good visit, she seemed okay. She clearly is talking to people at college. She is active in one club, claims she doesn’t have time for any others.
I don’t know how to handle her now. I thought she was on the right track. I don’t want to go back to despondent texts every day and constant sad phone calls. I was incredibly stressed out by it. Do I need to gently “ween” her off of me? Is she a hopeless case, destined to not be happy at this college? Do I keep giving her pep talks and suggestions? I don’t know what to do and would REALLY appreciate some advice from a parent who has been through this. She is now two months into college, shouldn’t she be assimilating?
It sounds like you’ve been a great support. I know from experience how exhausting these crises can be on us parents. Maybe now just offer a listening ear, a place to vent. Maybe instead of rehashing the same advice and pep talks, ask her, “So what do you think you should do that might make you happier?” or “Have you talked to your counselor about it? What does he/she recommend?”
It sounds like she has had some improvement and hopefully that will continue as the months go by.
Sunday nights were a little tough coming back to a dreary dorm. Everyone has often already exhausted their social time and is wrapping up studying for the coming week.
Send a care package with something she has to share. A double batch of something. Tell her to pass it around.
Encourage exercise. I started running in college to offset stress.
If she is a runner, maybe hooking up with a local running group? A local running store often has one.
Is she a church goer? This too could give her some social opportunity like volunteering.
Is she keeping in touch with her friends that didn't go to this school? Maybe she could check in with friends and plan a Thanksgiving get together?
Another things I discovered over time is walking back and forth on the campus you eventually start seeing the same people. They might be walking to the same building or your dorm. Encourage her to fall into walking with one of these people and introduce herself. One a week. It is tough to reach out. I often made it an assignment for myself being an introvert. Now I tend to try to give out at least one compliment a day. She could easily do this in class too.
To be fair, everyone is plugged in now which might make it a touch more difficult to just strike up a conversation with someone nearby.
I did despise my first college and transferred out. But it was all on me to figure it out and make the switch. I wish you the best keeping up that tough parental support with lots of leeway for her to find her own way!!
@doschicos , good point, if I put the onus on her to think of solutions, she might become less reliant on me. @MoHeron , how was college once you transferred? Did things fall into place?
I could have written your post word for word. It is very hard and stressful for me to know that she is struggling to make friends. She is an introvert but has always had friends. To the point where I am having anxiety attacks over this (and I wonder where she gets it from, lol)
I know I should be happy that she loves everything else about the college- her classes and the club she joined. But I keep fixating on the lack of friends.
You have my sympathy @Marcie123 , but in my D’s case, the lack of real friends is hard for her to deal with. She is a true introvert who has always had friends. She can’t understand why it has been so difficult at her college. She is tired of me saying “it will take time.” I said it again today. I am really hoping these texts and phone calls are just normal after having been home. Would still love to hear from a parent who went though this scenario.
From someone who has been (and is still) there: With some kids it’s two steps forward, one step back. Your D is going to counseling so she’s already creating a support system. But sometimes nothing replaces a parent. I don’t enjoy the occasional middle of the night phone calls, but I can provide my S with something that no one else can, and there are times when he needs it. It won’t always be that way.
The advice to try to help her think things through on her own is excellent. It sounds like she’s doing everything right. There’s no magic wand.
You are moving into more of a role of a consultant than a fixer. It takes time. It’s challenging for all involved. Make sure you have your own support outlets; posting here helps!
@mrpractical my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I certainly don’t think her case is hopeless, she will find her way, but what she is going through is difficult. I also don’t think you need to “ween” her off of you, and in fact that might add to a sense of panic and despair. You can’t fix her problem, but you can just listen and be there for her, and you can keep refocusing her on the positives. Being able to text or call regularly is a wonderful thing, a lifeline so to speak, for the time being.
As for the counseling every other week due to not enough to talk about, the counselor or your daughter may be uncomfortable with the silence that often occurs in counseling. However, she should be encouraged to push herself to go weekly if appointments are available.
You may also be the repository of her woes. This probably serves a useful function for her. When things go right, she may not pick up the phone and report. Maybe you can ask about those things (for your sanity ).
You’re clearly supporting her. I would try to get her to focus more on what is right with her life without making her feel that you aren’t willing to listen to her when she’s down.
Perhaps focus on the progress she is making. I remember some of your earlier posts. It does seem like you D is doing better, has people to hang with, likes a club she is. Maybe point out the progression she has made from one month ago and imagine how it will be one month from now.
fwiw - I was talking with a friend’s D who graduated this past spring who had a great 3.5 yrs at her school. But said her 1st semester was miserable. Cried every time she was home and had to go back - up until Jan she was crying. Now she looks back on am amazing college experience
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I think it’s best for me to continue to listen to her, but to have her focus on the progress she has made and to get her to come up with solutions to what she sees as issues. I appreciate the thoughtful responses.
I understand completely that you don’t want to go back to being stressed out by unhappy texts and calls from your daughter. I also have a tendency to get anxious when my kids are having a tough time but what has helped me, and I try and focus on, is what a gift and honor it is to be someone’s “safe place”. People are lucky to have one or two people in their entire lives that they can trust completely with their fears, insecurities, and life issues. It is a testament to your strong relationship that you are that “safe place” person for your daughter. I think you need to just continue to be there for her and listen and give her your support. I focus on feeling lucky that my kids come to me in their time of need and it helps me try to balance out the anxiety.
At what point does a kid say “enough” and decide to leave a college? I would love to hear from students or parents who have had this experience. She thinks it would be sensible for her to withdraw at the end of the semester and enroll somewhere else for next fall. She thinks we are spending a fortune for her to be unhappy and that she thinks she wants to study something not offered as a major or even a minor at her college. I talked to her today and she wasn’t hysterical or crying. She was calm and matter-of-fact. How many kids actually find their people in the second semester? How many students actually end up being happy at their college after that point?
Changing colleges is very unlikely to help her make friends. I would not encourage that for the sole reason of hoping she will find better friendships.
Your daughter has to understand that everyone started in the same boat–and all of the kids around her who appear to be close friends, are in fact merely acquaintances. As a matter of fact, after winter break a lot of these friendships begin to shift again as many people realize that the kids they were hanging out with (and onto) are not really friends and they didn’t miss them all that much when they were home.
So there is still plenty of time to form meaningful relationships and it takes time for them to develop into real friendships.
Also, be aware that your D is calling you when she is blue and she needs to complain. I’m sure she is not calling when she is engaged with others and happy. So while you should be supportive and sympathetic, don’t take these calls so to heart that you are miserable. And you are not the only parent getting these calls. My D’s would complain that they felt lonely even though they were busy and surrounded by new friends. They would go on about how all these people felt fake.
Just the other day I got a 7am call from my D in grad school for education about how she was so stressed and exhausted and miserable–that she could barely go on. I let her talk, was sympathetic and she hung up. Of course I was upset all day. Finally at 3:30 she called–bubbly and enthusiastic about her day student teaching. She was tired and upset that morning, and it passed. She is stressed and pulled in many directions, but is able to pull through. I just can’t let those kind of calls get to me too much.
What does she think the “somewhere else” will do for her that the current college isn’t doing?
I have a junior in high school daughter that I can completely see doing exactly what your daughter is doing. In fact, I got a text from her today begging me to pick her up from school because she got demoted in her robotics group.
I said no. And I’ve been saying no to stuff like this with her for a long time, and I can forsee having to say no to stuff like this when she’s in college. Every time, I say no, and she figures it out and makes it work. But she ALWAYS calls me and wants me to fix it first, and it kills me to have to tell her that she needs to figure it out because I am a fixer extraordinare, and I know that fixing it for her means she doesn’t learn how to fix it herself, so I don’t.
So, no advice, but lots of empathy. It is straight up miserable to be a parent with a sad kid, and know that they have to get through that without you fixing it to be a better adult.
Do you buy her reasoning regarding a major that isn’t offered? Does it makes sense with what you know about your daughter and her interests or do you think she is try to justify a change by finding reasons other than her unhappiness with her social life?