<p>My son is just starting at a small mid-western university that is 14 hours away from our home. We get to campus, move him into the dorm, and today he tells me he's miserable here, and all he can think about is coming home. What do I say? Any advice?</p>
<p>Tell us more: is he a freshman? Can you share why he chose this particular university. My guess is that everything is new and he’s homesick. Give it time.</p>
<p>He is not miserable because the school isn’t right for him or he made a wrong choice. He is miserable because it is new. Some kids have a harder time adjusting to a new environment. I have 2 kids. The older one never has any problem going to a new place. The younger one, who is 17, has been going away to sleep away camps since 12. I can always count on her to have a good cry on the phone. It will usually be, “No one likes me. I don’t like the people here. They don’t invite to places.” I would then call her back later and everything would be just fine. Then she’ll have a perfectly good summer. </p>
<p>If your son has been there for few months, and he doesn’t like the school, then I would be more concerned. But since he has only been there for few days, I think it is just an adjustment issue. Let him vent, show support, but I wouldn’t take it too seriously.</p>
<p>I think it was easier back when our generation went to college. Speaking for myself - I was only allowed to call home once a week on Sunday night after nine (during the cheap rates!) and didn’t have email, texting, chat, cell phone to allow communication at any moment when I was feeling out of sorts. </p>
<p>I had a little of this with my own son last year and found that, as hard as it was, not talking to him too often was better for his adjustment, even though I wanted to talk to him a lot. Hopefully your son just needs time to figure out his new routine. It could take a few months so just keep listening and hopefully you’ll get to hear something positive soon.</p>
<p>Everything is still so new to him that it’s too early to tell if it’s a bad fit or simply a case of transition/homesickness. Let him vent. Don’t be quick to answer his calls. Let the answering machine pick up. This will give him time to settle down on his own before you speak with him.</p>
<p>Remind him that transferring is always an option if things don’t get better. Suggest to him that he focus on his academics and try to earn a solid gpa so he’ll have options down the road should he decide to transfer. If he’s still miserable by Nov., have him send out a couple of transfer apps. This will give him options at the end of the academic year. If he continues to be miserable during the Spring semester, he’ll be comforted knowing he has a transfer option for the following year. If things get better during the Spring semester, he can always decide to stay at his current school.</p>
<p>Ask him if there are any student organizations he’s interested in joining. Finding the right people makes it a whole different place.</p>
<p>Tell him to suck it up and make the most of it. He can re-evaluate in June. Life can be hard. There are many people who have lost their jobs, would love to have his opportunities and talents.</p>
<p>Don’t mention transferring…It is opening a big huge can you do not need to open right now and it takes away from the message- you liked this place, you can handle this- which you want to give him. Remind him of the reasons he liked the school. Normalize the feeling of being uncomfortable with something new. Remind him about other ultimately successful experiences he has had in life where maybe in the first 5 minutes, he wasn’t happy at all…</p>
<p>It’s way way too early to let your son decide that he made a mistake. Be supportive but do not indulge any fantasies of returning home or transferring at this point. He must make an effort to find his niche even if it’s hard. That will be true anywhere, even at a college down the street.</p>
<p>I would suggest he also talk to someone in the counseling center to ease his transition. They probably deal with this and usually the sessions are free. I would probably reassess earlier than June – say at the end of the semester. The most likely hypothesis right now is homesickness, but in some cases, that can morph into depression so keep an eye out.</p>
<p>When my daughter was a freshman, she called almost every night for the first month crying. She was so unhappy, everyone hated her, etc., etc. I finally told her that she could not come home unless she went to the counseling department and had at least one month of counseling and the counselor spoke to me. She went for 3 sessions, called me and said the counselor had made her realize that she was not alone in her feelings and assigned her to pick 2 or 3 activities from the list the counselor had to do every week. </p>
<p>She’s back there now for her junior year. From the counselor’s list, she found a group that she loves - she’s now an officer of that group, an RA, a volunteer who won an award for her service… </p>
<p>She thanks us for our tough love and for not just letting her come home.</p>
<p>I think the most important thing is to get your son to the counseling department. They are equipped to handle freshman anxiety and fears. My daughter was still 17 so I was able to call and talk to them, but I had her sign the authorization for me to talk to them after she turned 18. I never had to use it. I would suggest that you have your son sign it so you can talk to the counselors. If he has a history of anxiety or depression (my D did not), I would call his hometown counselor and see if you can set up some phone appointments as well as dealing with the school. </p>
<p>Some kids don’t adjust and wind up coming home. It’s not a sign of weak character, but before you have him come home, try to see if he’s just a slower adjuster.</p>
<p>I’ve heard the same with every transition. Tell your DS to call often,and listen, comfort.</p>
<p>This is a common reaction, and you should be grateful that your relationship with your S is strong enough that he is sharing it with you rather than holding it inside. </p>
<p>The good news is, it usually passes, once classes start, he gets busy, and meets some people. </p>
<p>I’d be supportive; acknowledge his feelings and suggest that he give it some time. And remind him that you still love him, even from 14 hours away.</p>
<p>Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I897 using CC App</p>
<p>Yes, as others have said, this is not unusual. As a college freshman, my son’s close friend wanted to go home within 24 hours of arriving at college. He called his parents and said, “Come get me & take me home now”. His mom was very kind, but firm; she said “we will consider coming to get you only after you have talked this through with a college counselor”. He talked things over with the counselor, stayed at school, and was thriving within a few weeks. He’s heading back for his sophomore year now.</p>
<p>My advice as to how to handle this would be to use what you know about your son and help him to use what he knows about himself. Is he always a bit off kilter when something new starts, but gets over it in x amount of time in y ways? Was he fine at home all summer and had a successful sr. year? Has he been struggling for awhile and the change is exacerbating it? Does he complain to family, but manage just fine? Context matters. Sometimes you can remind kids of prior new things, how they coped, etc. For many freshman, things are better when the classes start and they have some structure and commonality to share with other students.</p>
<p>On occasion, this is a deeper problem. I’d keep up good lines of communication, listen a lot, be encouraging about giving it time and trying new things. Additionally, I’d let him know that many students start the year a bit homesick. Simultaneously, I’d be listening for indications of the proportion of his distress. Can he focus on work, go to the caf comfortably or is he hiding out in his room alone, etc.? Some kids have underlying problems that are apt to appear at this age. Most however, do not. Wishing you all the best with this.</p>
<p>I think one of my son’s problems last year when he began his freshman year was that he was comparing his freshman year of college to his senior year of high school. When I remnded him of the somewhat difficult transition that he had to make from middle school to his urban public high school, he was a bit more patient with starting his new life. His first semester was a bit difficult and he vaguely talked of transferring. By the winter holidays, he said that he thought that he had more friends at school than at home. By summer, he was saying that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to come home for any extended time. </p>
<p>I think travelnut is right; you need to know your own kid. I knew that mine is a slow starter and that transitions are sometimes difficult. I was also fairly confident that he could and would be able to work things out himself.</p>
<p>Our son (freshman) was dropped off on Tuesday and is clearly homesick. He is only 2.5 hours away. He had a great group of friends in high school. He is coming home for labor day weekend. Do a lot of students still come home for labor day?</p>
<p>yes, and for the first semester or year, some come home quite often. My son did (as did many of his friends), and now I am lucky to see him once a year!</p>
<p>If many of his high school friends are still at home, it would be natural for him to want to come home for that weekend. I don’t see a problem.</p>
<p>If your kid does come home for Labor Day weekend, don’t coddle him too much. Make him get up in the morning and make him do some chores.</p>