How to deal with very bad parents?

Parent Cafe
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<p>On another thread, OP described at least one tough class that’s occupying his time- so, I’ll give you some allowance for needing to spend time locked up, at work.
But, as adults here, we know that success in life requires the skills learned and refined though a balance in experiences and in interactions. As parents of college kids, we’ve been through at least 18 years of learning and minding the signs our kids are reasoably adapted, have normal strength sets, etc. Or not. </p>

<p>You may feel you can successfully navigate peer relationships. You may truly prefer your own company. You may see your academic responsibilities as having priority. If so, just don’t sit on CC arguing with us. As much fun as CC can be, it shouldn’t be a social outlet for any of us.</p>

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<p>18 on the AQ test here. Not sure whether I passed.</p>

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<p>I got a 14 and there is no way I am normal. Maybe the real point is we cannot assess ourselves; it sometimes takes others to point out what we can’t see.</p>

<p>Instead of starting a post about “very bad parents,” you could have asked for feedback about your own choices. Instead of stating they are driving you crazy and insisting my parents are in the wrong and not I, you could have taken a more modest stand. IMO, this is one reason our antennae went up.</p>

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<p>

Erm, not quite. I am in a very demanding program (physics) in one of the best schools in the country. Competing with the most brightest students in the country in order to keep up a high GPA for grad-school and working a job is just not feasible. Most upper year students also live at home, as well as those in the engineering department. This is perfectly normal and reasonable. Maybe if I was studying something less demanding such as film studies or communications, then working is necessary, but not in my major. </p>

<p>

Interesting. You jump to personal attacking me despite the fact you know nothing about me and yet have inferred just what type of person I am? This only speaks volumes of what type of person you are. </p>

<p>FYI: I barely ever speak to my parents, I clean my room often, do my own laundry, cook my own food, etc. My parents must be so unfortunate to put up with such an unbearable person such as myself, don’t you agree?</p>

<p>

Yes, compromise on things that affect them personally. That is reasonable and I would agree, but what I choose to do with my free time is none of their business. Is it reasonable for a roommate to tell his roommate “You need to get out more, and if you don’t, I’m moving out. Despite the fact you aren’t at all much of a bother, I just can’t stand people who spend most of their time studying in a room”. </p>

<p>

Not an option; I am not rich and most landlords require good credit (apparently). I don’t have any.</p>

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<p>

Actually, according to them, if a therapist were to tell them that I am perfectly fine and mentally healthy, they would just seek another therapist until one can finally diagnose what is “wrong” with me. </p>

<p>

Read the first response to your partitioned quote. </p>

<p>

I am being defensive because people like you are implying that I my mental health is severely deficient, so much so that I am a possible threat to society and should be in a straight jacket in a padded room. </p>

<p>

What I do in my personal time is none of their business. If I am happy and content with what I do, why should they be worried? Oh, because I’m not “normal”, right?</p>

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<p>My parents must be so unfortunate to put up with such an unbearable person such as myself, don’t you agree?</p>

<p>On an open forum, “you are what you write.” Posters are finding the flaws in your attitude. Why not try to learn from that? </p>

<p>You have options. We get that you don’t want to pursue them. Skip the excuses. Plenty of kids study tough subjects at demanding schools and can get along with their parents. Plenty of top performers also work and join activities. Your purpose here seems to be to stand your ground. Not good.</p>

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<p>Well, I got a 5 on the test.</p>

<p>You are disrespecting your parents. You refer to them as “bad parents”–very insulting. You are living in their home, they are not required to allow you to do that. So move out and live your own life. Call them every few weeks to let them know you are still alive. How sad that you do not appreciate their love (concern) at all.</p>

<p>However, if you insist upon living with your parents, you are obligated to do as they wish: go see a therapist, to appease them. It’s the least you can do. As others have said, the therapist can ease their minds if, as you say, there is no problem.</p>

<p>Stop complaining and arguing with strangers on the internet. </p>

<p>In other words, ***** or get off the pot.</p>

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<p>

Never did I say the rigor of my studies is affecting my relationship with my parents, but it seems like you think they are the reasonable ones and I am the one in the wrong. </p>

<p>Please, tell me, what exactly is it that I am doing that should be frowned upon by staying in my room and spending my time studying and doing problem sets? I am not harming myself, nor am I harming anyone else and I am spending my time being productive. Despite that, the majority of posters in this thread have all sided with them and agree that I am wrong for spending my time doing what I love.</p>

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<p>

Of course, they are not required to do that. For parents to kick out their child who aced all their AP classes, has won several scholarships, never been in trouble with the law, and they have never had a problem with them, but still proceeded to kick them out for the simple fact they are not bound by the law anymore, I’d think most rational people would consider them bad parents. </p>

<p>

Have you read my past posts? They have already said that if a therapist says there isn’t any problem, they will simply seek another one and continue on until one finally makes a diagnosis. In other words, it is a complete waste of my time.</p>

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<p>So why not just say “Look mom and dad, lay off. I’m doing it my way, and I have no intention of doing it your way. Period. Now if you’ll excuse me I have physics homework.”</p>

<p>And just because you live at home doesn’t mean you have to do all your studying there if they are pestering you. Why not spend some time in the back of the back of the library?</p>

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<p>I am a parent - I used to worry that my son did not socialize and stayed home working and learning web technologies at the time (2007-2008). </p>

<p>One day he sat down with me and said ‘look mom, you rather that I go out and drink etc or be productive at home?, I like staying home and work on my projects, this is what I do’ and he showed me all the stuff he had been working on!! I was so relieved to hear his story!!</p>

<p>Parents worry about their kids and want the best for them so I would suggest that you have a good chat with them first. </p>

<p>You can start staying out more and do study groups or sit in a coffee shop with your laptop/books a couple of hours each day. It will be good to do this anyways to have a change of scene :)</p>

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<p>Your parents are not obligated to provide you with a free place to live. It’s pretty obvious that they have good reason to feel that you are in need of therapy. Your response and attitude demonstrated online seems to confirm that they are correct. Maybe therapy is the last option they have before kicking you out.</p>

<p>They are not your roommates, and even if they were - roommates can and do ask incompatible housemates to leave. </p>

<p>I do think your parents are mistaken, however. With your attitude, I doubt that there is any type of therapy that would do any good. I think your parents would do better to simply give you notice that you need to find new accommodations at the end of the semester. </p>

<p>If you had to deal with the real world you might at least get to the point where you recognize that you need some sort of help to address your lack of social skills.</p>

<p>I’m am basing that opinion on the tenor of your posts here. You have managed to offend the people who read this forum with your selfish, disrespectful, argumentative and tone, and you have admitted that you have no friends and never had.</p>

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<p>Wow…there is a reason all of the posters are siding with your parents. How sad that you do not seem to have the ability to have any self-introspection and even consider the fact that you may, just may, be wrong here…
You are very lucky to have the parents you do because I would have kicked you right out of my home with the attitude you have (with not a care in the world as to the scores you received on the AP tests!) As long my children live under my roof they will follow all of my rules and show respect to me and all other adults…period. No exceptions. When you pay for your own home you get to make your own rules…not before.</p>

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<p>Yes, we are siding with your parents.
You are: criticizing too freely, biting the proverbial hand that feeds you, defending your self-centered perspective, implying that what you do is sufficient (laundry, feeding yourself, getting good grades) or justified (being annoyed, reusing to consider their side, intentionally missing appts,) AND wasting your time arguing here. You are living at home, your parents are clearly p’d off and you don’t get it- and won’t make any move to tackle the problem. None of this is good.</p>

<p>I am off this thread. You either get what we are saying or you don’t.</p>

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</p>

<p>Of course they aren’t, never said that. But…if they don’t want to be miserable in some retirement home and would prefer I take care of them in their old age (which they have strongly hinted at), then they might as well let me live at home until I complete my studies.</p>

<p>If they kick me out, it isn’t a problem at all. I could always live on residence and live the same productive life, just that I’d incur more debt. </p>

<p>

Incompatible roommates = roommates that cannot compromise on chores or certain house rules, yes that is reasonable. But a roommate moving out over a trivial reason such as they barely talk to their roommate is unreasonable and illogical, a choice based completely on emotion, clearly not a choice made by a rational person.</p>

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It is quite hilarious when users online attempt to play the role of the “armchair psychiatrist”. Personally, you sound like a really horrible parent and would most probably kick your child out for the simple fact they aren’t some social butterfly or the “life of the party”. </p>

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And how did you come to the conclusion that I have no social skills? I have social skills, I am simply just not interested in socializing with other people and would rather immerse myself in books.</p>

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<p>OP, I just want to comment on your previous bad experience with a therapist. That does happen. However, you were younger then, now you are an adult and you can walk out if you don’t like a therapist. Or you can tell the therapist what it is you don’t like and work through it with him/her. One bad experience does not guarantee another. There are a lot of good therapists available. You are an adult (I am assuming) and herapy is confidential. The therapist is not going to go running to your parents with a diagnosis unless you sign a release.</p>

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<p>“Any advice on how to deal with my parents? This is really affecting my productivity in getting my work done.”</p>

<p>Did you have an answer in mind? </p>

<p>It is unsettling to think you would come to strangers on the internet rather than your parents, rather than the therapist’s (s?), and STILL find all suggestions wanting.</p>

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<p>OMG…If your parents are even remotely considering depending on you to take care of them in their old age they may need to see a therapist as well!!!</p>

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</p>

<p>All choice that people make are based on emotion, and most people would place a very high emotional value on the quality of their home life, including whether or not they are happy sharing space with others who live in their home. </p>

<p>That’s the part you don’t get. You really DO have an obligation on the social end of things in terms of getting along with whoever you live with. That’s jut the way the world works. There are different styles of living together, some families/roommates want and value social interaction more than others – but obviously your parent are not happy with your attitude and behavior at home. If you are living in their home and making them unhappy, then it is their business. </p>

<p>So again… you can either figure out what to do on your end to improve your relationship with your parents or you can move out. </p>

<p>Bottom line: what are you contributing to the household right now? Just taking care of your own needs and staying out of their way may not be adequate.</p>

<p>If you feel like you don’t owe your family anything, then that in itself may be part of the problem.</p>

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<p>'Please, tell me, what exactly is it that I am doing that should be frowned upon by staying in my room and spending my time studying and doing problem sets? '</p>

<p>Your parents recognize what you are unable or unwilling to do-not having friends IS NOT normal. Your obvious intelligence, preference to stay in your room to study,[ vrs, say the option of studying in the college library or around other smart students], your preference for intense academic interests to the exclusion of all else, and lack of any need to socialize with people are all hallmarks of Aspergers. </p>

<p>"I am simply just not interested in socializing with other people and would rather immerse myself in books. "</p>

<p>And that sentence is even more evidence. </p>

<p>“staying in my room and spending my time studying and doing problem sets” will limit your options for the future. And it is not necessary to do nothing but study, in fact it is a mistake to believe that it will somehow improve your chances of acceptance at a top grad school. Getting into top grad schools requires strong LORs from professors-[preferably ones you have done lots of research for], not just great grades or GRE’s. How are you going to get LOR’s if you dont get out of your room and learn to work with, and for , other people? </p>

<p>You need to recognize, as your parents do, and you do not, that you NEED to LEARN to socialize with others, and the only way to do that is to practice, practice, practice.</p>

<p>Staying in your room will mean you will be forgotten, and that will limit your opportunities that might have come your way, if you weren’t intent on becoming a recluse, [which is what you are on the path to becoming].</p>

<p>So if that is NOT what you want- to be overlooked, forgotten, dismissed , by the people you hope will recognize your abilities and intelligence, because PEOPLE choose who to admit into grad schools and PEOPLE are the ones who hire post docs- then do something about it. Cause in the world you DO live in, people matter more than books…</p>