How to deal with very bad parents?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>I find this to be a very interesting thread, suffused with the value that it’s a serious problem if someone doesn’t choose to be sociable and have friends. Is it limiting? Possibly in many fields it would be and certainly it would be limiting to someone who wanted to be married and to have a family. But maybe not in the OP’s intended field and/or life goals. There are fields where one can work independently doing research and contribute a great deal without a lot of socialization being required. There are even jobs where people get by with terrible social skills. There are plenty of brilliant surgeons who lack people skills, for example. Of course, it’s necessary to be able to interview, work with others, etc. but the OP says he can do that and that’s a different set of skills than forming close relationships.</p>

<p>Is a life where someone values books more than people really less of a life? Who gets to judge that? What if a person really doesn’t need close relationships to be happy but does need books? Or art? Or music? The OP says he’s content and happy. Whose problem is it if he is content studying and learning? I honestly don’t believe that the overriding concern the parents have is his study habits and his lack of socialization. I believe that the real problem is revealed in many of his posts, e.g. if they expect to be taken care of in their old age, etc. I imagine there is a problem in the family and perhaps a problem with the poster’s attitude and he is focusing on one aspect of their concerns. But I think that for some people it’s completely possible to be a contributing member to society and content with one’s life without a lot of relationships. I’ve encountered people like that and the biggest problem they run into is the constant pressure from other people to live their lives as others think it should be lived when they are perfectly content doing their thing as they are.</p>

42

<p>It is actually quite alarming how conditional parental love is for most CC parents. I think the “if I’m paying for college/feeding you, you must obey my every order” line must be one of the most commonly employed arguments on these boards, which makes me wonder how I managed to score a normal, non-manipulative family where love and support aren’t things you have to bargain for. Apparently that’s extremely rare.</p>

<p>But whatever.</p>

<p>Normally I’d respond to this thread with “as long as you’re happy and you’re not hurting anyone, rock on,” but I have reasons to believe the OP is just a persistent ■■■■■. A very similar thread appeared here a couple of months ago and generated lots of outrage and outpourings of concern from people who were convinced introversion is an illness; I wouldn’t be surprised if this thread was authored by the same person.</p>

<p>For the record, I agree with mimk6 above. Some people don’t need loads of human interaction to be happy, which doesn’t mean they’re a menace to society or to themselves; it doesn’t even mean they can’t communicate effectively when they have to, or that they’re blind to the importance of social interaction. All it means is that they’re different from most people. Judging others for being different from ourselves is natural; disguising your judgment as concern, however, is just annoying.</p>

43

<p>^I think the parental attitude you describe, which I also see here, is a byproduct of our sick society in which you are what you earn.</p>

44

<p>Thank you, mimk6 for post #41. I was reading through this thread and couldn’t believe how judgmental and presumptuous some people are being while accusing the OP of such attitudes. That people assume an individual has to have friends and desire social activity to be a happy, contributing adult is terribly narrow-minded. There are many people that eschew a lot of human interactions because they are content to pursue solitary pleasures, you people probably just don’t know them because they aren’t your friends. Not all recluses are destined to become Unabombers. And who is to say what is “normal”? Many here refuse to take the OP’s word that he is happy living the way he does, but that reveals your own limited perspective, not the OP’s.</p>

<p>Now I do think the OP went overboard describing his parents as “bad” in the title for showing a concern on this issue (he may very well regret his choice of descriptor at this point). But he is probably frustrated that his parents, like so many of you, cannot accept that a person can voluntarily choose to isolate themselves and has no interest in relationships. He should be more understanding of their point of view, but that doesn’t mean he is wrong to feel they are misguided. As for the whole idea that he should be kicked out of the house because he resists their insistence on therapy, I think it is ridiculous to suggest that his parents would have any interest whatsoever in posing such an ultimatum. (It is also not unreasonable for them to have a self-interest in helping him through his studies in hopes of a future benefit for all).</p>

<p>I thought mimk6’s link to the Schizoid Personality Disorder explanation was very interesting and may apply to the OP. But just because some psychologists decided to label this as a disorder, does not mean that it is something that has to be corrected, and that a person is doomed to failure or unhappiness if not “cured”.</p>

45

<p>I don’t think anyone is saying that the love is conditional. </p>

<p>“My home, my rules” is a perfectly reasonable rule for anyone to apply to adult children who choose to live at home after graduating from high school. Most intelligent, well-adjusted young adults who find that situation untenable will move out. They will get a job, find an inexpensive shared housing situation, and get out from under their parent’s watchful eyes. Admittedly it is much easier for people to do that if they have friends. </p>

<p>I don’t know OP’s parents or what their expectations are. I just know that he has made his attitude clear by calling them “bad parents” because they want him to get therapy. That in itself shows something very disturbed in his thought process – a more normal reaction would be to label the parents “annoying” or “overbearing”, but any intelligent teenager or young adult would know that a parent who was making repeated appointments for therapy is a very caring and involved parent. The parent may be mistaken, but obviously their motivation is to try to get help for their child.</p>

<p>It’s very possible that the OP already has a diagnosed disability that leaves the parents feeling stuck – that is, they may feel that they can’t kick their recalcitrant kid out of the house because his disability makes him unemployable and unable to fend for himself.</p>

46

<p>Many well meaning parents have responded to the OP, however, the OP simply argues with anyone who questions the OP’s approach to life. Providing further thoughts and advice to the OP is, IMO, a waste of parent’s time.</p>

47

<p>Even Sheldon Cooper has friends and discovered you can’t learn how to swim by studying the technique.</p>

<p>Very, very sad. BTW, given your attitude, your parents need a therapist if they honestly believe YOU will care for them in their twilight years…</p>

48

<p>This thread sounds remarkably like some previous ones that I can’t seem to find. Am wondering if they got deleted because they got pretty confrontational and this one seems to follow a similar pattern of the OP disssecting and responding to individual comments, line by line.</p>

<p>Totally agree that the title “… very bad parents” is purposefully inflammatory, and if the OP didn’t mean to do it on purpose, then this lends some credence to the hypotheses here that this could reflect difficulty with the subdelties/nuances of social discourse.</p>

<p>As for diagnostic theories, most folks with Aspergers truly want to have friends and socialize-- they just don’t know how. Schizoid is more appropriate. However, the hypothesis of the possibility that this is another ■■■■■ thread also has legs.</p>

<p>There are plenty of hard schools with hard majors. That doesnt justify holing up in a room in one’s parents house to study all night. If you really really need to study that much, spend some time in the college library. At least there is a chance to interact with same aged peers. And a word of advice-- coming onto the parents forum and calling your parents “very bad” and “nosey” because they are concerned about your isolation… well, you are not likely to garner a lot of support for your criticism of them here.</p>

49

<p>There is nothing wrong with being an introvert or a loner as long as you have the ability to forge at least two or three close relationships with others in your life. There are people who find interaction with others to be exhausting. However, everyone does need someone. The OP isn’t going to live at home forever, and with his attitude, he will be extremely isolated and lonely with no annoying and “bad” family to give a toss about his feelings or welfare. Also, with his rigidity, he is not going to get along with an employer. I’m sorry, but there is no job in the world that does not require people skills.</p>

<p>Many introverts come to understand that at some point you will need people, and you need to cultivate some friendships to avoid an empty, lonely life. Sometimes this takes a conscious decision to get out of your comfort zone and spend time with people, even if you would rather be alone at that particular moment.</p>

50

<p>Yes and sometimes this is a skill (how to interact on a social level) that takes awhile for people to learn. I suspect that the reason the OP is arrogant or somewhat belligerent is that the OP suspects there is some truth to what those that know him best are trying to express. It’s fairly easy to argue that it’s important to study or that one enjoys being alone as those are in and of themselves also necessary skills. It’s also fairly typical to rail at people who point out facets of our personalities or habits that deep inside we’re very aware of but haven’t yet dealt with. It’s also possible that the OP totally “gets” that the more arrogant or rigid the OP becomes the more it will drive people away becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. And the parents clearly see this and worry about it. Unfortunately no one can change unless they are willing to change and it’s alot easier to look for people that will agree and support these beliefs or habits than to try to change the beliefs or habits. That’s pretty elementary psychology.</p>

51

<p>oh my goodness, I scored a 7! I guess I definitely do not have Asperger syndrome!</p>

<p>But to the OP: If you were my child I would be concerned just because I love my kids and want them to be happy. I think everyone should at least have one friend or a few acquaintences they go out with now and again.</p>

<p>My oldest daugher has isolating tendencies and I think if she weren’t a cheerleader and into gymnastics etc… she would probably be in her room most of the time. She tells me she feels awkward in certain social situations. That breaks my heart because I am so opposite and have always been surrounded by people.</p>

<p>But, I need to understand not everyone is the same! But I doubt your parents are bad people…they love you and are concerned.</p>

52

<p>It seems when people turn to an internet forum for advice, then reject the advice with such vitriol, become defensive and rude to folks sincerely trying to help and attempt to convince them they are the ones who “don’t get it” are…A. Trolling for attention B. Trolling for attention C. Trolling for attention. These parents are taking time to thoughtfully help you out. You most likely address your parents in the same manner. Now, get off the internet and learn some manners. Being smart does not entitle you to act this way. Your parents probably want you to see a therapist to help you learn to communicate in a less hostile manner. Doesn’t mean you have deep psychological issues. Get over yourself already and go talk to the therapist.</p>

53

<p>I think there is alot more going on here than the parents being concerned about the OPs lack of friends…the attitude of the poster is more concerning to me than their lack of a social life. Even if they had an active social life but treated and spoke to their parents with the same tone and attitude that they reply to the posts on this thread I think there would be a problem…I have a feeling this attitude has led to many unpleasant interactions between the child and parents. THe fact that the poster has had to seek therapy in the past makes me wonder what else has occurred prior to these current issues…
End of the day…the parents are obviously unhappy/concerned about the current situation and since an adult child is living in their home they have the right to impose whatever rules or conditions they wish for this living situation to continue…I think the best solution for all would be for the poster to move onto campus (even if that means additional debt for the OP…that is the price they must pay to be able to live and act whatever way they wish…)
Problem with “bad parents” solved!</p>

54

<p>Can I ask what your life plan is at this time, your major, where you see yourself in ten years? What field you want to work in? Do you want a wife/husband and children? </p>

<p>Whatever job you do you will need to be part of a group invested in producing positive results measured on some applicable scale. This means some level of social involvement.</p>

55

<p>I got a 12! </p>

<p>OP, a few pages back you wrote:

</p>

<p>Obviously not or you wouldn’t be on the internet fiercely debating “I’m fine, I’m content, blah, blah, blah,…” I mean you need to do this with total strangers? Red flag is waving in the wind.</p>

<p>Since you asked for advice I’ll throw in my 2 cents:</p>

<p>Use your social skills to talk with real people and convince them that you are fine and content. Problem solved. No therapist. Time spent “socializing” will make your parents happy and get them to back off. Same amount of time investment, you said social skills are not an issue so it shouldn’t matter if you converse with “real” people or “cyber” people. </p>

<p>BTW, what was your score?</p>

56

<p>majjestic</p>

<p>“I have social skills. In all group projects I have done, I have managed to get along well with my classmates and get the job done. I’m just not into socializing. That, however, does not imply that I do not have any social skills.”</p>

<p>If things aren’t working with your parents, why not try something different? You seem content so you don’t want to either make major changes or see a therapist. How about “emphasizing” interactions like those you describe above? Talk about every and any interaction you have with others. There is no reason to restate the number of hours you work each day. That isn’t helpful. Always tell them about any social interactions. Good luck to you.</p>

57

<p>Wow, why did you bother posting here? </p>

<p>Don’t you think it’s remarkable that we only hear your side of the story, told by an intelligent young person such as yourself, yet no one sees your point of view? </p>

<p>The more you argue and get defensive, the more of a person you sound like that actually could use the value of social interaction and/or has actually serious impediments to working with others (which, despite your fantasy, is going to be necessary in terms of getting into a PhD programs, getting hired, doing well in your career). </p>

<p>We have met more than a few extremely brilliant PhD hopefuls on paper. If we found out they only got that way from almost 24/7 studying, or they had a very social deficit, we’d not admit them. There are more than enough high scoring students from great schools that aren’t having to study that hard and don’t bring a question mark about how well they’d get along with others and be easy to work with. If someone doesn’t value social interaction, they also have zero incentive to hone their social abilities and get along with others (nothing gained, nothing lost). Graduate work requires a lot of interdependencies, and life is too short to put up with such folks as it brings down the environment for everyone. Fortunately, conversations among faculty in the field are powerful, even if coded. </p>

<p>You seem to think the only worth of a human being is how well they do in school. Examples would be like this quote: “For parents to kick out their child who aced all their AP classes, has won several scholarships, never been in trouble with the law, and they have never had a problem with them, but still proceeded to kick them out for the simple fact they are not bound by the law anymore, I’d think most rational people would consider them bad parents.”</p>

<p>Either see a therapist or move out. Why are you asking us? </p>

<p>You’ve already stated it would be no big deal…</p>

<p>You tell us they are bad parents. Now you tell us no big deal to move out, you just want to reduce your debt. And it would be foolish for your parents to tell you to leave, for the sake of hoping you seek help for yourself, because they have hinted they need you to support them in old age. </p>

<p>In other words, NOTHING you have written so far sounds like a loving son or someone I would want in my house.</p>

<p>You’ve got it all figured out so why bother starting a thread.</p>

58

<p>About 99% of your 127 posts, on different threads, is to tell the world you have zero need for affiliation and then arguing about it. </p>

<p>Either this is your ■■■■■ theme, or for some reason this is at some level <em>a really really big deal to you</em>. You don’t like social interaction, but for some reason you love to engage people in online forums to tell them you are just fine not being like ‘all the other drunkard college students who don’t value studying as much as you do’.</p>

59

<p>OK, I know I went completely overboard by calling my parents “bad parents” and I will acknowledge that. My parents are not bad, and I regret saying that. I really used to get along well with my parents before and they were always proud of my achievements and determination to work hard and study for countless hours. Unfortunately, it is not until recently that they have been led to believe that I may have a disorder that needs to be corrected, which may or may not be reasonable (this is relative, as some will believe it is while others will believe it is not). I did get carried away with my emotions and I apologize to those that I have offended, it was illogical and irrational of me. However, there isn’t anything wrong with me that needs to be changed. I find it insulting that some people feel I need to be forced to socialize, and I should rather be forced to do something I have no interest in rather than doing what I love and feel passionate about.</p>

60

<p>

The only reason why that would account for a major part of my post count is because of my last thread. Other than that, I rarely ever speak of my social life or lack thereof. Just look at my past threads. </p>

<p>And, to be honest, I don’t really care what other college students are doing. You do whatever makes you happy.</p>