How to figure out what she's thinking?

College Life
1

Hi Everyone,

So, I’m a college junior, and there’s this girl (also a junior) that I’ve liked for almost a year now now. I asked her out several times last year, and she was always busy, so I always figured she just wasn’t interested in me.

It’s the first week of school, so I figured I’d ask her out one last time. What have I got to lose, right? So I texted her a few days ago. I said I was going to a place that she would like for a project, and that she should come with me. She said she was busy on the day that I had suggested, but actually proposed another day which worked for me, and we agreed to go then.

The problem is that I’m not really sure whether she thinks this is a friends thing or a casual date thing. It’s during the day and there’s no food involved, so it’s definitely not a serious date. I tried to make the outing sound very casual, like I was going to the place anyway, so it was no big deal either way. But I think that might have made my intentions less clear.

I’d obviously like to date her, and I’m wondering how I can express that during the outing itself. What should I say or do to indicate that, without making it too awkward for her if she doesn’t feel that way?

I was thinking I could say something like “You look great, as always!” and try to initiate some (innocent) physical contact to see how she reacts to that. For example, maybe hug her when we first meet up, make up some excuse for a high-five, or put my hand on her back like to guide her somewhere. Do you guys have any other ideas for how I could subtly try to figure out her feelings? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

2

Why don’t you just enjoy the day for what it is. At the end if things feel like you two are making a connection suggest an activity that you perceive to be a real date. It doesn’t sound like you know her well, so spending the day with her as it is might give you an idea if there is actually any chemistry between you.

3

I didn’t realize night time and/or food were necessary for a “serious date…”

I agree with NorthernMom. Go and have a good time. Normally, you can tell when you’re clicking and when you’re not. Don’t try to plan ahead because you’ll be thinking about that the whole time instead of just enjoying the outing.

4

You need to have a leap of faith first. Don’t have any doubts, as that will destroy your confidence. Talk to her on how you feel about her. You’ll never know once you ask. Best of luck.

5

This outing is your chance to make a good impression. This is the first time you are doing anything with her…you want to make it no pressure, no expectations. I say this because she has been “busy” all the other times.
Also this is for a “project” so she may be thinking this is for school work.
DO not talk to her about how you feel this time…see if there is an opportunity for a second outing later on.

6

don’t do the arm thing unless you know she likes you back… if a guy i have constantly said “no” to (aka “busy”) tried to do that, i would get really annoyed and uncomfortable. if im attracted to them however, id be fine with it. but seeing as she’s said no a lot, i wouldn’t really do that. unless you know her better or something. you said you’ve liked her for almost a year now so… are you guys friends or are you guys just classmates/acquaintances that rarely talk? get to genuinely know her first.

7

I would use it as an opportunity to find out if she is really available.

She may have a boyfriend, which would explain why she’s been “busy”.

If it’s a school “thing”, and you’ve explained it as a project, that’s what she is going to expect; not to get hit on.

8

Report back. :slight_smile:

9

Oh, I forgot to add: no touching.

It’s not “innocent” if she hasn’t given you permission to touch.

She may be gay, so you can’t assume that she is interested in a “relationship”.

10

This is really sweet. You sound like a nice guy. I agree with others. Just enjoy the day, and by the end of the day, you will have a much better idea of how she feels about you. If you think it went really well, ask her at the end if she wants to meet up for coffee in a couple of days. He answer will give you an even better idea of how she feels. I personally wouldn’t touch her, unless it’s by accident.

11

Thanks for all the advice, guys! Very helpful, but I’ve actually gotten myself into another unclear situation with a different girl, and I was hoping to get some advice! I’d appreciate anything you can offer!

So, I’m a junior in college and I don’t have much experience dating. Recently though, I met this girl that I like and I thought we were hitting it off well. Now I’m not so sure though, here’s some background info. I’d appreciate any advice!

So, I actually met her accidentally on Facebook. I messaged her thinking she was someone else lol. Then we started chatting, and she seemed cool, so I asked her to get a coffee on campus. That went well, I thought, we talked for about two hours. She did insist on buying her own coffee, but she’s pretty liberal so I don’t think that necessarily speaks to whether she viewed that as a date or not.

So last week I said that we would hang out this coming weekend, which she agreed to. It was over text and she texted me very enthusiastically something like “Sure, I’d love to!” But she uses exclamation points a lot, so I don’t read too much into that. So I suggested that we go a restaurant she likes and a movie.

She said that was cool, but then she added that her roommate “also would like to come.” I’m figuring that’s code for “I asked my roommate to come along,” so I said that was okay to be polite, but I’m wondering why she would do that. The way I see it, it’s one of three reasons:

1/ Worst-case: she doesn’t like me romantically, and she wants to make that clear. When we talked before she didn’t mention anything about a boyfriend, so I doubt that’s the issue.

2/ Middle-case: She has no idea that I meant any of this romantically. In that case, how do I clarify my intentions?

3/ Best case: she’s interested but doesn’t trust me enough to go off-campus alone with me yet. (I’m 20, and she’s 17 and a freshman so maybe it’s intimidating to her. She’s not really the timid type though.)

If you guys/ladies had to guess, which do scenario do you think it is. And how would you ask when we go out? Should I still try to flirt or show interest even though there’s another person there?

12

I’d guess #3, maybe she just doesn’t feel comfortable being alone with a guy she doesn’t really know. I don’t blame her being that she’s 17 and a freshmen, and with everything going on and sexual assault being more talked about now, I find it understandable.

P.S. I’ve been in a few relationships and I find the best one have always been when I don’r rush into things and start dating a girl. The best one have been when I become friends with someone first and then ask them if they would like to be more than friends. I don’t know if you’ve been rushing things, but if you have been, I’d say take it easy and try enjoying just spending time with someone attractive and interesting. But also do whatever makes you happy man. Good luck. Also keep in mind that she’s 17.

13

Confused trying to figure out what a woman is thinking? Get in line.

14

I’d say either a version of #1 (she just wants to be friends or isn’t sure how she feels about you right now) or #3. Time will tell.

Inquiring minds want to know: What happened to girl #1 and that outing? :-/ :smiley:

15

Fourth possibility (and there are probably more), she and her freshman roommate are still adjusting to college and she is inviting her roommate so that her roommate doesn’t have to spend the evening alone. She is being a friend to both of you.

16

Um, she is a minor - 17. I’d put this whole thing on hold…you are 20!!! But after my two cents on that, I believe that is why she asked the roommate to come along. She is very young and today’s young women are educated in safety especially regarding men they meet online. You sound very nice and I think its sweet how you put effort and thought into your “dates.” But really, be friends with this one until her birthday and she is at least 18!

17

Thank you all for the replies. Just a note to everyone talking about the age difference: it’s really only two years and a month, she’ll be 18 in a few weeks and I just turned 20. I have friends who have perfectly successful relationships being two/three years older than their significant others, so I don’t think that’s an issue. (Also, legally speaking, the age of consent in the state is 16.)

18

Keep taking at her pace…you may end up being her friend but that is okay. She may have other friends!

19

Ask a friend along yourself. Notify her first, though. Keep it light. No touching. Treat it as a group date. Show you’re a gentleman. Trust is built.

20

Want to know what a woman is thinking? It’s best to just ask her :wink:

I will always appreciate the fellow student who asked me out by very plainly saying something along the lines of “I am interested in taking you out for a date; would you be up for it?” Plain spoken, no games. No dancing around trying to figure out what he meant, whether he just wanted to be friends, and so on! At the time I was dating someone else, so I was able to explain that and we were able to move onto being friends. No fuss.

If there’s a young woman that you like and you’d like to take her out for a date, some variation of straightforwardness is the best way to go about that. “Hey, want to hang out this weekend?” is super ambiguous - I hang out with people of all genders I am not attracted to and do not want a romantic relationship with. I mean, it’s okay to start out ambiguous if you’re okay with that. Grabbing coffee or hanging out is a good way to get to know someone if you aren’t sure whether or not you’d be a good fit romantically or whatnot. But at some point you have to move past this ambiguity, because it gets awkward on both ends. You’re both wondering what the other person’s intentions and designs are and gah, it provokes needless anxiety.

“Hey, Jane, I’d love to take you go-kart racing this weekend” or “Hey, Jane, I would love for you and I to go go-kart racing together this weekend”? Not perfect - but both way better, and conveys the message more clearly. Any time a person says they want to “take me” somewhere, that usually signals “date”. The “you and I” in the second part tacitly excludes other people.

Even better is “Hey Jane, I would love you take you on a date. Would you do dinner with me some time?” No ambiguity.

Also, don’t try to read ‘the code’ in what someone else is saying. It’s impossible to tell, and any guessing is going to be pretty random unless you’ve got some good non-verbal cues. Her roommate wanting to come could genuinely be her roommate wanting to come along, or it could be that her roommate is clingy and demanded to be included and Jane doesn’t know how to say no, or maybe Jane and her roommate are attached at the hip now and borderline incapable of doing anything separately. Or it could be what you said. But you don’t know, so don’t assume. Just go along, and next time you ask her out make it clearer that you want to spend some time alone with her (but in a public place, on a date.)