How to juggle courses/relationship?

College Life
1

<p>Is my girlfriend too demanding? And are my goals/priorities in the wrong place?</p>

<p>I've been in community college coming on three years and I was accepted to everywhere I applied. Nothing prestigious because I was sick for the past two years and once I finally got better I started busting my butt to do my best. Anyway, I live in California and for the past 3 years my relationship has been long distance with every break in between semesters I've had I've been flying to visit her. I was accepted to her university in Indiana and although I got a scholarship, it is still very expensive for me to go to and I will have to take out loans. I will have about 30-60K in debt I imagine for taking this route to be with her. It has been her dream for the past few years for me to come to her university and be together. So, I am making a huge investment into this relationship I feel by dropping 30K at a LAC compared to maybe 10-15K I would spend attending a CSU or Cal Poly for the rest of my bachelor years. What I'm doing sounds literally insane, I think, but I do love this girl and she has basically stated if I were to stay here our relationship would be over because she can't handle the distance anymore. </p>

<p>I received my transfer credit evaluation form and it says that I need 72 units to complete at this institution. That is an average of 18 units a semester because it said I COULD graduate in 2 years. Instead of all my credits transferring as well, I have to retake three classes I've taken this year at her school. That is the max amount of units I am going to be able to take. Now, here is what I am expected to juggle my junior year. I had originally planned to double major in math/physics but graduating on time would be impossible:</p>

<p>Fall '12
Modern Physics & Lab (4 credits) (taken this before at comm college)
Mathematical Physics (3 credits)
Advanced Calculus (3 credits)
Complex Variables (3 credits)
Differential Equations (3 credits) (taken this before at comm college)</p>

<p>Spring '13
Classical Mechanics (4 credits)
Quantum Mechanics (3 credits)
Advanced Electromagnetics (3 credits)
Computational Physics (3 credits)
Linear Algebra (3 credits) (taken this before at comm college)
Particle Physics (2 credits)</p>

<p>As you can see, it kind of looks like I won't have any social life or any real time that I can invest into this relationship. Now, it is literally my dream to do very well whether here or anywhere so I can go to graduate school and do something I love very much. I really want to shine in my last 60 units. The problem is that my relationship I feel like would suffer from it. My girlfriend is also freaking out over me wanting to apply to schools like the Ivies, Berkeley, or MIT. She said that I must not really love her if I put school or career over her. She expects me to want to go wherever she goes and I would, but I think I would make myself unhappy if I worked so hard and ended up somewhere where I could've been more relaxed about...she wants to go to the University of Kentucky for graduate school. I have other places in mind...She is getting a degree in Art & Psychology and wants to go to graduate school but if we don't go to the same graduate school she says then her continuing her education is out of the question and she will move wherever I go. That makes me feel extremely guilty. </p>

<p>I know that by being at her university she will be able to see me anytime she wants, but I am going to be so busy trying to graduate on time and doing research, internships, etc. that I feel like my relationship is drowning and am going to have trouble balancing the two because I feel like one will fail and the other will succeed, not both if I'm not extremely careful. For as long as I've been alive, I've always wanted to be a scientist and she admires this, but I don't know if I can give her the attention she needs. The whole point really of me coming there for her was so that we could be together but it even seems like we won't really "be" together.</p>

2

<p>No offense, but your girlfriend sounds really selfish. If she really, truly loves you, she will want YOU to do what’s best for YOU. That does not include going 30-60k in debt for Indiana over somewhere you want. </p>

<p>Make the decision that’s best for you. She will either accept it or you will both move on in your lives, separately. And that’s OK. </p>

<p>I say this as someone who does the whole 16+ credits/internships/multiple jobs thing AND has an amazing boyfriend- if they love you, they will be flexible. They will understand that this stuff (school stuff) needs to come before anything else. They will support you in that, not try to constantly try to pull you in yet another direction. </p>

<p>And fwiw, I hate the whole “If you love me, you’d do xyz” thing. No, if you loved me, you’d let me do what’s best for me and for my (potentially “our”) future. Love isn’t supposed to come with strings attached.</p>

<p>Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you.</p>

3

<p>This is coming from a girl, and I think she’s being a little too demanding. </p>

<p>“She said that I must not really love her if I put school or career over her.”</p>

<p>That is seriously manipulative. I would stay in California to minimize debt and do what you feel is best for YOU.</p>

4

<p>If someone has to say, “You must not really love me if…”, chances are they’re trying to manipulate you. Go with logic; if you would be in serious debt at this school, and you’d rather be somewhere else, don’t go. You’d resent your girlfriend eventually.</p>

5

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<p>This is exactly what I was thinking reading your post. When someone truly loves someone, they want them to be happy and to be able to do the things that put them in the best situation in life. Basically, they put that person’s interests above their own (and they’d be willing to wait out a long distance thing, IMO).</p>

<p>Stay in Cali, kick some behind for the rest of school, save some green, and then maybe you two can try to rekindle later or just stay moved on.</p>

6

<p>I’ll be the fifth person to say this: stay in Cali. Don’t go 60k in debt (more if you can’d do it in 2 years) just because she wants you there. That is absurd.</p>

<p>

Think of it this way: if the relationship is worth the time/ has a future, distance should not matter for such a short amount of time (2-3 years). </p>

<p>If she’s giving you an ultimatum like this, and you do go to Indiana, trust me that she’ll just find some other reason to end it.</p>

7

<p>Has she ever flown to visit you?</p>

8

<p>I agree with the others bro. What has she done to help you with your life? Can you imagine your life without her in it? Is your relationship really worth your happiness and success? If you really love her, tell her why does she act the way she does. If you plan on success, nothing is gonna change. You can go to the same college she goes to but you will still be too busy studying. Not sure if you will be able to manage a relationship with the plans you have.</p>

9

<p>@windrider07: Well, I don’t know exactly what she’s done other than be with me and she buys me stuff sometimes, lol. I think about if it’s really worth it to choose between the two, but I just can’t get her to see that if she truly wanted the best for me just a couple more years of distance would be OK. I did talk to her yesterday and she did reluctantly agree that if it’s too ridiculous for me to pay, then I shouldn’t, but she was depressed all day after that and even now. She was telling me about how burned out she was from school and that she literally wants to quit to come live with me. I find this more plausible for grad school but not undergraduate. I’m broke enough as it is. She says that by going there I would help her cope with her stress, but I’ve always done that all the way from Cali. In fact, the first semester of college she had I devoted my entire time to helping her pass her classes and earn that 3.7 GPA she got that she bragged about to her parents (without thanking me at all and in front of me when I visited) about getting while I let my courses go to hell. This was when she was taking pre-med classes…I did devote another semester to helping her out all the time and didn’t receive much thanks for that either. She says I was a horrible teacher and she wasn’t willing to read the books, but she did buy me the books and had me teach her everything. I basically zombie-moded all my classes. I put my foot down this year though and forced her to do her own work now that she’s just an Art & Psychology major…she has had me do some of her work but she generally does most things by herself now. </p>

<p>Ever since I started this semester though she’s been getting real emotional about everything. </p>

<p>@vanechka: Yes, two years ago. I had tuberculosis and was taking Calc II that summer. Ever since then, I’ve always been going there and I haven’t had any time to spend with my family. I have to go there again but funny enough there are legitimate reasons for me to be there this time…even though it is practically my last summer I get to spend with my family.</p>

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<p>She wants a relationship, but our goals are different. She wants to go to grad school in Kentucky (but is burned out that she wants to come live with me…as a poor undergraduate). I do absolutely not want to go to Kentucky, but I will if that makes the relationship work. She thinks that if I don’t make sacrifices for her because she wants to live in Kentucky for her career (Louisville is a hub she says for Art Therapy and that is also coincidentally where she lives/her family lives) I don’t truly love her. I say that I would, but she doesn’t believe me. I’d tell her that I would, but I wouldn’t be happy. And she’ll come back with you don’t really love me then cause you should be happy anywhere I want to go. Idk, she is being immature about it and I think she’s just being insecure that she’ll lose me to career or success. I did basically tell her that I put school first because what kind of future am I going to have if I don’t? And I really just don’t imagine I have a future in Kentucky as a math/physics person. Living in Kentucky would virtually mean I would never see my parents or family at all. And she hates my family, which is one of the reasons she doesn’t come. </p>

<p>I’ve wanted to come to her school. I truly do, but it is such a huge decision and I feel like if I went there it wouldn’t make much of a difference at all where I went because the only thing that we could really do together is eat lunch, talk to each other in person, and she has basically said that she won’t be around me if I’m studying. I find that kind of ridiculous that she won’t carry on a conversation with me if I’m by myself in the library. I am all about minimizing the costs, but I’ve been with her for four years now and it makes things a little more complicated. Is she worth the money? Yes. But on the amount of return I’ll get from that I have no idea unless I make this leap of faith, I guess. If I want to get what I want out of life career/academic wise, I’d have to invest a lot of my time into studying and when I started listing off what I’d need to take she thinks that it’ll all be a snap. I don’t make decisions until I get into the classroom about whether it will be difficult or not, but she thinks we’ll have a good amount of time to spend together. I don’t know, but I think taking 4 full semesters to finish my education in time is going to suck big time, but I’d still do it. At least in California all my units transferred and I’d probably only have to take around 15. :confused: I guess I’m trying to have my cake and eat it too…</p>

10

<p>Please don’t compromise your dreams/goals/aspirations/whatever you want to call it… for your girlfriend. Sooner or later, resentment will build up and your relationship will suffer. </p>

<p>Like the others have said, debt really isn’t worth it. Do what is best for you. College is for education. Make the most out of it.</p>

<p>It seems that you are a great guy who has done so much for your gf (even academically). If she can’t understand your decision, it does not seem like she is worth it. Do you even see yourself with her ten years down the road? </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

11

<p>You can’t model your life based around your relationship. Say you do go to Indiana or Kentucky and she decides that she doesn’t want a relationship anymore. You’ll be stuck there, and by then it’s too late. Because you’re a California resident, do yourself a favor and save your greenbacks by going to a CSU. You’ll pay in-state tuition which is a god-send compared to out-of-state tuition that OOS have to pay. Take advantage of that.</p>

<p>Honestly, do you really want to go into debt because of a girlfriend that doesn’t seem to appreciate what you’ve done for her at your own expense? Take a step back and consider the things that could go wrong, because that’s a real possibility. Even you are complaining and griping about her on this forum so you do have grievances and you’re conscious of her actions. Is she really worth your time and effort? Think about what you really want for yourself.</p>

12

<p>When i had a relationship that was not going well, i would try to dissect the dynamics of the two of us to see it more clearly. By putting the pro’s and con’s down on paper i would be able to look at things from a less emotional perspective. You have basically done that in a way with all that you have written about your relationship here. Maybe it is time for you to take a step back and look at your relationship objectively.</p>

<p>Are you comfortable with her depending on you as much as she does? A lot of what you wrote was how she needed you for help with classes and how she could not handle the distance and whatever else. She could be a wonderful girlfriend when you are together but it sounds like she depends on you for a lot. That is not going to change if you don’t do something about it.</p>

<p>Have you considered taking a break. It doesn’t mean that you need to break up but it sounds like you need some emotional space. Give yourself some time to breath emotionally and then consider what you want out of life. If you get some space in your relationship she will also be forced to become more self reliant. That would be a positive thing for her.</p>

13

<p>The posts in this thread are way too long.</p>

<p>Dude, tell your girlfriend that she isn’t the one who’s gonna be paying off debt for the next few decades if you go to an expensive school. Go to a CSU and get this thing done with. If she breaks up with you over that then she probably wasn’t the right one for you anyway. And hell after you finish you could always try and rekindle it, that’s what my roommate is probably gonna do with an ex of his (they broke up after a year of being apart because they knew it wouldn’t be able to work at such a distance but they still have feelings for each other).</p>

14

<p>OP - I really hope you listen to all these posts! Don’t jeopardize your future. If the girl loves you she will support you in your decisions. If she remains demanding, she is just a manipulative demanding person who deep down does not care for you. This is from a parents perspective.
Please let us know if you “saw the light” and decided to stay in CA.</p>

15

<p>CalDud-
Time for the 2 of you to take a break from each other.
Your gf is making you choose her instead of the best financial and practical course for your education and future.
You seem like a reasonable guy except when it come to your gf.
Louisville the hub of Art Therapy, really?
Keep your head straight, appreciate your family who took care of you when you were sick, focus and put all your energy into school, graduate with as little loans as possible and then if your gf is still around consider a life together.
Does your family like your gf?
Didn’t think so.</p>

16

<p>She sounds terribly selfish and manipulative. SHE could transfer to be closer to you. If SHE thinks you only love her if you move to Kentucky with her, then SHE must not really love you if she doesn’t want you to go where YOU want you to go. It sounds like she just wants you around to make her life easier and happier, and doesn’t really care what YOU want for your life. </p>

<p>It sounds like you’ve been with this girl for quite a few years, so is this your first long term relationship? It may be time to take a break and see what it is like with someone else, or by yourself for a while, to see what you really want for your life. What is the point of going into a large amount of debt and moving to Kentucky if you already know it won’t make you happy? And what if you break up after moving? That is a HUGE sacrifice that she doesn’t seem to even care about when it comes to how you feel and what you want. Seems like she’s being smart and looking at what she wants (grad school in Kentucky), and it’s time that you do the same.</p>

<p>It will be very hard, but you will thank yourself later when you have fewer loans, live in a place you love, and find someone who wants the same things you do.</p>