So this is actually for the Welch summer scholar program. The essay topic is too discuss an individual that has influenced you and what attributes of theirs do you admire? its a 250 max world limit.
Traditional heroes are impossibly strong. They are unflinchingly brave. They are innovative geniuses. And it’s precisely because Bilbo Baggins, from J.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit, is not a traditional hero that he has had the most profound effect on my life.
Bilbo Baggins is the quintessential embodiment of ordinary. He is pragmatic, respectable, homey, humble, and generally very un-heroic and therefore, very relatable. He possesses no intrinsic power or genius, no claim to greatness that would suggest he embark on a quest to reclaim a lost kingdom. He was an anomaly among the warriors once he did reluctantly join the quest, a coward on a hero’s journey.
Yet, there was something more within in him.
In the times of greatest need, inexplicably Bilbo was the one who did the impossible and defied expectations. He was the one who faced the dragon on the quest. He was the one who defied his corrupt friend and king, stopping a war.
Ultimately, Bilbo turned into the greatest hero of all . Not because of his skills or innate talent, but because of his greatest attribute: perseverance. Bilbo was just an ordinary person, not at all ready for the tasks appointed to him, yet he reached heroic heights through his perseverance.
The dragons I have to face in my life may not be quite as literal as the ones Bilbo faced, but I still feel just as inadequate in their shadows. However, his story has taught me that regardless of my innate skills, or occasional lack thereof, if I persevere, I can slay them all.
This is a very engaging essay, certainly. But I think you can cut out many of the excess words, and focus more on how Bilbo influenced you. What obstacles have you actually faced? When did you need to persevere?
Firstly, stop posting your essays online. It allows for plagiarism. People ought to read the rules of the forum before they post.
Secondly, I agree with the above poster. There’s too much about Bilbo and not enough about you. The question is how a specific character has influenced YOU, not what you find most admirable in your hero. Condense all your paragraphs save the last one into one, and go into more detail about how his perseverance has guided you along the way, and give specific examples.
It sounds like an assignment from English class, and no college would like to read an essay that sounds like the regurgitation of an old project. How have you been like Bilbo? Have you ever lived a day that has made you feel like the bravest person in the world? Or have you persevered so hard in spite of being ordinary that you’ve gotten to your goal? Tell your story. Schools want to know more about YOU and how you might be like Bilbo. Or taken inspiration from Bilbo and done something that would make them remember you and stand out from a pile of applicants. Even though the prompt doesn’t speak too much of the “you” factor, I get it, speak more about yourself wee Bilbo.
the thing is I have a 250 word max and I HAVE To discuss two attributes I admire which are the two body paragraphs. This version of the essay still has a lot of Bilbo but I tried to make it more obvious I was relating it back to the general struggles I have faced- though there's no way I have enough room for a specific example.
Traditional heroes are impossibly strong. They are charismatic leaders. They are innovative geniuses. And it's precisely because Tolkien's Bilbo Baggins from the novel The Hobbit, with his admirable bravery and perseverance, is not a traditional hero that he has had the most profound influence on my life.
Bilbo Baggins was the quintessential embodiment of ordinary. In the novel he possessed no heroic power or genius, no claim to greatness that suggested he embark on a quest to reclaim a kingdom. He was an anomaly once he did join, a coward on a hero's journey.
Yet, inexplicably, he was the one who persevered and achieved the heroic, defying every expectation. He faced the dragon, even when other warriors cowered away. He defied the king, persevering to maintain his morals in the face of extreme greed and dissolution.
Without any innate prowess traditional warriors possessed, Bilbo, an un-heroic individual, achieved these monumental heights through just relentless perseverance and bravery. His success, and success in general, comes not from some talent that I can never hope to possess, but from bravery and perseverance that I aspire to everyday.
The dragons I have to face in my life may not be quite as literal as the ones Bilbo faced, but I still feel just as inadequate in their shadows. However, his story has taught me that regardless of my innate skills, or occasional lack thereof, if I courageously draw my sword and persevere, I too can slay them all.
im worried that the second to last paragraph is repetitive. I was thinking of restroucturing the essay to be the same intro then body paragraph one about bravery ( with the dragon as an example) and the body paragraph two about perseverance ( and miantianing morals in face of corrupt king) and the same conclusion
Traditional heroes are impossibly strong. They are charismatic leaders. They are innovative geniuses. And it’s precisely because Tolkien’s Bilbo Baggins from the novel The Hobbit, with his admirable bravery and perseverance, is not a traditional hero that he has had the most profound influence on my life.
Bilbo Baggins is the quintessential embodiment of ordinary. In the novel he possessed no heroic power or genius, no claim to greatness that suggested he embark on a dangerous quest to reclaim a lost kingdom. He was an anomaly among the proud warriors once he did join, believed to be an irresolute coward on a hero’s journey.
Yet, inexplicably, Bilbo was the one who faced the great dragon Smaug, even when the other imposing warriors cowered away. With no skills and almost no chance of surviving, he bravely overcame his numerous fears that resulted in him being branded a coward to face the dragon.
Inexplicably, Bilbo was the one to defy the corrupt king, even when the other warriors succumbed to greed and dissolution . He persevered to maintain his morals, despite the extreme amount of gold and wealth tempting him to go astray.
The dragons I have to face in my life may not be quite as literal as the ones Bilbo faced, but I still feel just as inadequate in their shadows. However, his story has taught me that regardless of my innate skills, or occasional lack thereof, if I courageously draw my sword and persevere, I too can slay them all.
Okay, you do realize that these essays are suppose to give the admission/scholarship committee a more in depth view of you as a person?
I still see way too much about Bilbo and nothing about you. Yes the prompt asks you for what attributes of his you admire, but it also asks how that person has influenced YOU. Emphasis again on YOU.
Generally, for all person statements, you should aim for a 1:2 split: 1 part (Intro) to address the prompt (Bilbo), and 2 parts about you.
I know you want to show the committee how well you can write, but that alone is not going to get you the position.
You can shorten the first paragraph to something like: “Traditional heroes are impossible strong, charismatic leaders, and innovative geniuses. And precisely because Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit is not a traditional hero, he has had the most profound influence on my life.” And then you NEED to weave in things about yourself through the essay. You really can fit in specific examples:
“When I first read Tolkien’s novel at XX years old, I really identified with Bilbo’s ordinariness. Like him, I…”
“I thought of Bilbo when I had to face XXXX challenge, and by striving to have his courage / perseverance / integrity / whatever, I was able to XXX”
You don’t have to go too in-depth; a sentence or two will do.
Yeah, you’re a very good writer. But I think your essay will be stronger as an essay about you with sentences from the above woven in, rather than an essay about Bilbo with a few sentences about you.
