<p>My son is a senior at CalState, a smart kid but lack of motivation for almost everything. I pushed him through the transfer after 3 years of community college, and now he is still three more semesters from completing his BS. </p>
<p>It is perhaps not that uncommon nowadays to take 6 years for a college degree. But what is the next step? He seems not motivated to try anything, part time job, internship, let alone preparing for the job market. He is home now for a six-week winter break and all his doing is sitting around to play computer games. </p>
<p>I attempted to setup deadline for him to be independent but am afraid he would give up altogether. </p>
<p>Has he never had a part-time job? What is his major, and what are his interests? Besides computer games, I mean. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a talk about life after college and your expectations of his independence. Most kids have had a job or at least an internship by this time in their lives. ( He’s 22?). Nothing wrong with a gentle prod to live on his own or pay rent to live at home after a certain age. I would imagine most of his HS buddies are working, no?</p>
<p>Don’t call it a deadline- call it a plan. And get him on board.</p>
<p>Give him a deadline and then let him go. He will soar or crash. Either way, he will learn a valuable lesson. I would give him until August 15, 2015. That allows him to complete three more semesters and have a summer to find work and a place to live.</p>
<p>He is 25, an engineering major. He immigrated from China 4 years ago and I started him in a local CC for the transition. Due to the language barrier, I did almost everything for him, including choosing major and classes. I put him in dorm with American kids from day one and he has no problem now in communicating and social (he’s actually very social). </p>
<p>I provide him everything: tuition, books and other school supplies, gasoline and car maintenance, (he got a new car in first semester) room and board, clothes, plus $500 allowance. </p>
<p>Most his fellow students work part time, and he did once for food delivery, and spent the money as extra on eating out. (a bad habit since HS)</p>
<p>You folks may see clearly that I am part of the problem. I want to change the pattern of my parenting but don’t know where to start. I am not sure in his case what will happen if I push him to be independent before changing his life expectation. </p>
<p>By the way, I asked him about hobby, his answer was fishing, because he can just sit there doing nothing.</p>
<p>For an engineering major, I don’t think 6 years is unreasonable, especially if he has changed schools and has had language and culture to get used to. Good for him if his grades are good, he has a social life and he’s happy. Good so far!<br>
The next step, of course, is independence, and it shouldn’t come as any surprise that that is the goal, lol.
But he has three more semesters. It seems that the time is ripe for the talks and planning to start. Talk about where he plans to look for work and how he will go about finding it. Where do graduates of his college in engineering usually wind up? Is there a good career center at school where he can start thinking seriously about internships or interviews? You are right that it isn’t going to happen magically. He has to get on board, but he does have time to make this transition if you start the conversation now. Be sure he knows that the parent subsidies will end after college. I’ll bet he knows this. Just start talking. </p>
<p>You might start by requiring him to either be in school full time this summer or to be working or having an internship. You have more leverage than you think, as you’re supplying all of his expenses. He has proven he can earn money when he wants to. If he knows there will be no more financial support if he isn’t either working, going to school or interning, then he will find some motivation.</p>
<p>Oh goodness. It’s not the default to take six years to get a BS. Kids coming from a CC, or transferring schools may lose a semester, at most two. Engineering majors in particular need to have solid internships if they want to be employable upon graduation. A BS with zero experience is useless in engineering today, he’ll hit a brick wall. That alone, beyond the obvious lack of independent living skills, should be motivation. </p>
<p>So, how do you move forward? There has to be a starting point. Books and spending money is a basic place many parents start. If tuition and living expenses are covered it’s not terribly difficult for a kid to work PT to earn money for their spending money and books. He should absolutely be pursuing a full time summer internship since the lack of these is going to make employment after graduation difficult. His school should have career fairs in the spring, and most engineering schools have their own career services office. If they are open over the break he should contact them. Even if they are not open they should have information online about interviewing, writing a resume, cover letters, etc.</p>
<p>May I ask, are you also here in the U.S.? I can’t tell from your post if he is here without family “He immigrated from China 4 years ago,” or if you and the rest of his family is here, too.
I think you might look for some mentors for him within the Chinese community where he lives. He is obviously bright and social, but he needs guidance. He should attempt to get it at school, but you might also be able to help him find other avenues of support as well.</p>
<p>You are being too hard on yourself since you probably did what you thought was best. Now, it only matters that you know that changes need to be made and I applaud you for recognizing that.</p>
<p>This book was very helpful to me and quite motivational for my daughter. Perhaps it can help you too.</p>
<p>I am wondering if he has no clue as to where to start…and being stymied, does nothing at all. </p>
<p>I would first have him make an appointment with the career/job placement office on campus–and have them help him get started. They can help him develop a resume, help him apply for internships, etc.</p>
<p>Then, I would get started on making “doing nothing” a whole bunch less appealing. He is at home with nothing to do? Find lots of not-fun chores–have him shampoo the carpets, paint the walls, clean out the basement/garage/attic. If he complains? “Son, I’m paying all of your expenses right now, so I can’t afford to hire someone else to do these jobs. If I weren’t paying for your books/games/social life, I would pay someone else to do these things…” Let him know things would be different if he were doing something productive.</p>
<p>Also explain to him that if he thinks he is just going to walk into an engineering job just by virtue of getting his degree in 3 more semesters–it is not likely to happen unless he gets some real experience first, because engineering employers will prefer to hire those candidates. So, unless he wants to continue living at home forever, doing all the unfun chores you can dream up–it would be a good idea to develop some motivation and start doing what is necessary for the next stage of his life.</p>
<p>Wow, what a helpful community! I am grateful not only for all the suggestions but for the encouragement that it’s not too late to motivate him for his own future. </p>
<p>I am a us citizen and he moved here as a family member four years ago. The Chinese community in the CC here is quite problematic. They belong to the one-child generation who were spoiled by the entire society while growing up. Now, they are here spending their parents’ money playing spot cars, eating at restaurants, and even going to Vegas for weekends gambling. They don’t need plan their future for they will go back to their parents eventually. </p>
<p>I was so relieved when my son transferred to a state U 6 hours away from home, merging with a good student culture there. In school, he maintains a good standing with GPA around 3.0, and very social with the fellow students. </p>
<p>But with regard to his own future, he is still out to lunch. Or, like some folks already pointed out, he is perhaps just testing me to find easy way out. He would very likely come to me at the end of his college, and say, “Mom, I finished what you want me to do, and then what?”</p>
<p>Both of my kids and I read Meg Jay’s book, and I think they took away some good insights. Nice suggestion. Sometimes I think kids think the 20s are throw-away years because they are finishing school and not starting “real life.” But they are the foundational years that set you up for the future, so they are critical and not to be wasted.</p>
<p>Start slowly. Next semester, have him responsible for one thing. His spending money and gas, his books, doesn’t matter what, just something. And don’t bail him out if he needs money. I’m personally partial to spending money and gas because if he has no money, he just doesn’t go out. No harm to him. </p>
<p>Cut off support for the summer UNLESS he finds an internship. Then provide as you see fit.</p>
<p>His final year, make him responsible for two things, spending money/gas AND cell phone. </p>
<p>I do think you’re being too hard on yourself. He was a new immigrant and you had to do a little more to get him up to speed. There’s no need for you to suddenly cut him off as he’s doing well in school. Unless your support of him is causing you financial hardship, you have the time to stop the gravy train slowly.</p>
<p>I actually don’t see a significant problem. He might be taking longer, but he is moving forward. I think it would be helpful if he had a part time job or an internship. I don’t think you should nearly give him a deadline, but I think you should work with him to make it happen. </p>
<p>I think you should give him specific tasks with specific dates. Have him go to the employment office on campus and find and apply for three jobs or internships by a specific date. </p>
<p>Sit with him while he is on the Internet looking for jobs. That type of thing.</p>
<p>I like the book Adulting. It’s fun, but very realistic, coaching on how to become independent. It include the practical as well as some of the more soft-skills needed by a young adult. I just read it and am passing it along to my kid.</p>
<p>Thanks folks for all your inputs! Maybe I’ve been over anxious about my son. But the last thing I want to do is to discourage him. </p>
<p>I actually talked to him today and had very positive outcome. He is now motivated to look for internship in summer, as well as to connect the teachers in the department for possible volunteer jobs next semester. He also voluntarily cut down 1/2 allowance for me to save for him as travel money for the near future. </p>
<p>It won’t be easy as we all know. So glad I found this community to share and to learn.</p>
<p>During the semester he should have school as his full time job. He needs to take control of his life, you can work on “cutting the cord”. He needs to talk with his engineering advisor about internships and what to do after graduation. I presume he is getting good grades and will graduate. He and his advisor should be making sure he is taking the courses needed for graduation. Notice how the burden of helping him shifts from you to his school. He may be taking longer than the typical US HS grad because of the college transfer and learning the language and culture but it sounds like he is on track. Juniors in college need to wake up to a future beyond school. Now is the time to start and you and he are on top of things.</p>
<p>I encourage you to try the advice people give you here that makes the most sense to you, but… you need to be prepared for the possibility that nothing will work. It is not really possible to create motivation in another person. I find apathy, sloth, trying not to think or move so you don’t have to feel, deeply sympathetic problems to have living as we do out of our sensitive and grossly inadequate brains. </p>
<p>It must not be an easy thing to watch for a parent. I managed to keep my parents thinking I was gonna do great all through college. And right up until the end, I did fine. 3.7 GPA, activities, research, on schedule, etc. The crash and burn only came at the end, when I realized there was nothing at the end of this long pipeline. I was graduating into a dead economy, one of 7 billion people. totally interchangeable and unimportant. If education’s goal is to give you perspective, mine finally sunk in. And it destroyed my motivation. </p>
<p>I sit here. If my motivation will come back, it will have to come back on its own. Because I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.</p>
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