<p>Jong, you cannot motivate him, that has to come from within. It is time to let him find his own way, and establishing financial independence may be the way to start. Only he can do it, your responsibility ends with his graduation. I think that people bloom at their own times, which are impossible to predict or control. Let him go. As tesIII indicates, it is a long and hard process for some and it must run its course. Good luck.</p>
<p>What percentage of engineering students have had an internship prior to graduating? I would think it is less than 50%. Does that mean 50% of graduating engineers will not find employment?</p>
<p>Technology is turning kids into mush. Lazy mush. Its a well known medical and physiological and psychological condition. Well documented.</p>
<p>I dont care if all the techno geeks and wannabe-relevant-snarks call me a neanderthal and troglodyte. Technology is not only stealing jobs formerly known as the middle class (even with Boeing getting orders for more jets than ever in history a high percentage of the airplane parts are manufactured overseas; Boeing merely assembles them in quick fashion weeks or a few months before expected delivery), but it is turning our minds to mush.</p>
<p>Xbox, gaming, internet addictions (for adults as well). Many social scientists have written for decades that it all began with television…and its true. Recently, there was a report that creative reading, non fiction, stimulates the brain…and particularly when it is done with a book, not a computer. Remember when our mother’s and teachers told us going to the library was good food for the brain? They weren’t kidding. </p>
<p>Inertia in the human spirit comes from too much technology. Cell phones, facebook, television/movies on line, Xbox, gaming, internet poker, message boards, blogging, on and on and on. Its KILLING us as a nation. </p>
<p>My solution: Take away the cellphones and computers and ipads. UNPLUG. FORCE THEM to become real live human beings and to do their reading in a book. Take away televisions in their rooms. </p>
<p>It may save their lives. (Its too late for our country. Already lost. )</p>
<p>“My solution: Take away the cellphones and computers and ipads. UNPLUG. FORCE THEM to become real live human beings and to do their reading in a book. Take away televisions in their rooms.” </p>
<p>It may save their lives. (Its too late for our country. Already lost. )</p>
<p>The cellphone/video game addiction problem is just as bad, if not worse, among Asian students as it is among students in this country. “A teenager died at an Internet cafe in Taiwan after reportedly playing the videogame “Diablo 3” for 40 hours straight.”</p>
<p>I teach English to many international students from China at my community college. Many of them spend the whole class time staring at their cellphones. I tried banning cellphones from their desks but they would just put them in their laps. These are adults, not kids, so there is only a certain amount of policing I will do. If they don’t care about passing the class, I can’t make them care. Then when I leave work, they drive by me in brand-new Maseratis and Mercedes. That’s when I realize they don’t need to pass their classes. Their parents are just parking them over here in the U.S. until they (hopefully) grow up a little.</p>
<p>I don’t think your son is one of these kids, but the first suggestion I would make is he has to start working. My daughter started working in high school. She graduated in four years and got a job right after graduation, and is supporting herself. You need to get him to have an expectation that he is going to work, and eventually support himself.</p>
<p>I agree with snugapug. I pay for just about everything for my kids while they are in college. It’s an investment in their long term independence. My own belief, and I respect different ones (consistency seems to be the important thing, not the particular philosohpy) is that if my kids focus too much on short term independence, by working jobs to pay for food etc., it can take away from their long term development. Again, that’s me, but I have to say they haven’t disappointed my by taking advantage and two out of three so far have gone on to pay their own way.</p>
<p>I other words, growing up and becoming independent is an evolution, not a cliff.</p>
<p>I don’t see anything wrong with him spending winter break on whatever relaxes him, either.</p>
<p>However, he definitely needs some experience through internships, research assistantships, or jobs. Junior year is the usual time to start this, though some do internships earlier. It’s getting late for applying for this summer so when school opens up again, this should be a priority. He can talk to his department, professors, and the career services office.</p>
<p>A lot of good advice here.</p>
<p>On the academic side, as long as consistent (or accelerating) progress is being made, I don’t see a huge issue. It looks as tho’ that’s proceeding on track, if perhaps somewhat slower than desired/optimal – but that’s explainable given the culture/language issues.</p>
<p>During the summer, an internship is ideal if available (paid or unpaid, as the documented experience gained is what’s of value) but, at twenty-something, one should definitely have a job.<br>
(Happily, this past summer (at age 16), expatSon started working as a camp climbing instructor –
terrific way to develop responsibility; he was also introduced to having taxes withheld from earnings 
).</p>
<p>During school, I personally think that having a part-time job during school is preferable to not having one (short-order cook and waiting tables worked well for me back in the day), as long as school is not adversely impacted – but I don’t plan to mandate that for my son (just as it wasn’t mandated for me).</p>
<p>"It must not be an easy thing to watch for a parent. I managed to keep my parents thinking I was gonna do great all through college. And right up until the end, I did fine. 3.7 GPA, activities, research, on schedule, etc. The crash and burn only came at the end, when I realized there was nothing at the end of this long pipeline. I was graduating into a dead economy, one of 7 billion people. totally interchangeable and unimportant. If education’s goal is to give you perspective, mine finally sunk in. And it destroyed my motivation. "</p>
<p>That’s the wrong perspective, so you got the wrong education.</p>
<p>Sorry.</p>
<p>Have you tried asking for a refund?</p>
<p>For an immigrant with a language barrier, it’s definitely extremely hard. And also, there is the whole cultural aspect of growing up with the only child policy.</p>
<p>Look, some people have more motivation than others. However, that is not to say that people cannot be motivated to do something. The fact of the matter is that your child appears to be spoiled. However, I wouldn’t recommend just throwing him out on the streets. What you really need to do is ask your child to really take a look into his future and see where he wants to be. And to imagine if you aren’t there. You need to make him realize that there won’t always be a safety net.</p>
<p>Another thing is to MAKE YOUR SON PAY YOU BACK FOR YOUR TUITION ASSISTANCE. By the time i’m done with my education, i’ll be around $500,000 in debt (undergrad+medical school tuition and fees). It’s a scary thought, but i’ve taken up part time jobs to help pay my parents back. The debt has given me a goal to accomplish.</p>
<p>So I guess what i’m trying to say is that your son needs to establish future goals in order to move ahead and have some motivation. It’s harder than it may sound, but if you MAKE HIM THINK for himself instead of pushing goals down for him, he may become motivated to reach his goals.</p>
<p>“I dont care if all the techno geeks and wannabe-relevant-snarks call me a neanderthal and troglodyte.
Inertia in the human spirit comes from too much technology. Cell phones, facebook, television/movies on line, Xbox, gaming, internet poker, message boards, blogging, on and on and on. Its KILLING us as a nation.”
I once agreed with the snarks. Material culture allows people to get more of what they want. Technology that doesn’t let people more easily or enjoyably do what they wanted to do all along doesn’t catch on. </p>
<p>But lately I’ve agreed with you. In order for us to have a mutually beneficial relationship with technology, our biology would need to be changing at roughly the same pace. And it’s not capable of doing so. It would be so easy to get ourselves into a situation where we’re trapped in our own creations, barely aware of it, totally unable to escape- remembering that the trap is sprung not by our creations but by our human traits. </p>
<p>“My solution: Take away the cellphones and computers and ipads. UNPLUG. FORCE THEM to become real live human beings and to do their reading in a book. Take away televisions in their rooms.”
This is where you lose me. I don’t think that will work. Our advanced-nervous-system, social ancestors evolved brains that obsess over stuff and status in relation to others in the vicinity, and interpret, under many circumstances, death as preferable to a decrease in status. Gaining new conveniences, luxuries, powers, and privileges in life is pleasurable, but fades into the background in time. Losing any of the same is something <em>nobody</em> truly handles with grace, and many people find almost an unbearable setback. If we as individuals, or as a community, or as a society, are going to start trying to be deliberate in our relationship with our technological culture, and in time build a successful relationship with it, we must be subtle and gradual. Knee jerk reactions will only provoke counter-reactions. Banning equals battle.</p>
<p>I experience some of the same challenges your son faces. I immigrated to the US about 5 years ago for High School and I’m now a sophomore in college. Often times when I’m exposed to the Chinese community within High School or College, most spend a lot of time on computer games. I used to be really addicted to computer games as well.</p>
<p>My parents used to push me a lot as well and believing that I’m lazy and useless. I almost never budged and staying in school just for the sake of it. However what really got me motivated was an internship experience I had over a summer. Actually working and having a corporate expectation placed on you was a refreshing experience. I was awarded leading performing intern. From then on I became extremely engaged in leadership, I found my passion in learning and applying.</p>
<p>I suggest really encouraging your son making him believe that he can do better. On top of that get him to experience an internship or a co-op and he will truly taste the sweetness of success or the importance of education. I don’t recommend coercive managing him because that will really back fire. (A main reason I was very rebellious in high school is just really sick of my family always telling me what to do). Cultivating interest and ambition will automatically motivate him to want to do better. (Right group of friends helps too)</p>
<p>he sounds like he is somewhat motivated - maybe he doesn’t know what the next steps are (he sounds hesitant). But you had a good conversation and he voluntarily agreed to cut back on spending money - at least he’s a NICE kid. I agree, have him get a job during the summer (any job will do but hopefully an engineering internship). $500 is a lot of cash, why does he need that much money anyway (room and board also? cutting back there was good).</p>
<p>Thank you linxz93 for sharing your experience and thoughts! Congratulations for finding your passion in life. The “rebellious” character sounds familiar to me. But I’m usually fairly liberal and don’t want to interfere in my son’s decisions if he has one. What worries me is his lack of goal in life even when he has to make crucial decisions. </p>
<p>Lack of discipline is another issue. He is a nice kid. He just doesn’t have the discipline needed, or never even want one. He would spend almost all the allowance eating out even I paid full meal plan in school. When I took him out eating, oftentimes we would run into some waitperson greeting him with name in restaurant. </p>
<p>He is somewhat motivated after our conversation. We are right now going through his resume and talking about internship and other training programs in the department. I know it would be tough walking someone through this part of life but we will have to do it with positive perspectives.</p>
<p>Jongleur9418:
The sooner he is on his own, with no financial support from home, and experiences what it’s like to be “hungry in life”, the faster he’ll get motivated.</p>
<p>Agree, the sooner he’s on his own, the more motivated he will be. Try cutting the cash back a bit more (if he has a meal plan, room, and tuition paid he doesn’t need $500 cash). Cut him back to $100 (if you think he’s entitled to the money then stash it so that he has a nest egg after graduation). He might be just one of those kids that needs a bit more guidance - he doesn’t know WHAT to do and I’m of the mindset that everyone doesn’t get that way just by osmosis - some need you to map the steps out for them, as in “you should be doing this, and then doing this, and then do this, and when you have 3 more semesters to go you should be at this point.” Do this in the summer, blah blah. Don’t worry that he doesn’t automatically have ‘discipline and motivation’; especially if he is a nice kid then you can work with that. You can always guide a nice kid that you can communicate with - he can still be molded. He spends all of the money you give him because you give him that much money and you would give him more money if he spent all of it (so don’t give him all of the money). Let him get a job for entertainment money (he doesn’t need to know that you are stashing the money if you don’t want him to, voila, nest egg for when he graduates).</p>
<p>I have a plan mapped out for my D - no guarantee that she will follow it but honey you need to graduate from undergrad in 4 years and here’s how you do it AND you can do a study abroad too and here’s how you do this AND that and she will also be earning any meal out money herself (she like to work and is good with a buck so I think it will work out but she might need guidance on the steps to graduation which I’m happy to share what’s in my head . Up to her if she chooses to follow but the bank of mom will run out in about 4 years, give or take a semester or two.</p>
<p>Summer jobs are very important, as are co-ops during the school year instead of a semester (may delay graduation, but great if you can afford it).
Graduating in six years is no big deal, if he went to junior college first and is ESL still learning to some extent. A summer job somewhat close to the field he is looking at will help the most.</p>
<p>NFN, my brothers all lived at home for at least five years after graduating college, with my mom making them brown bag lunch for work every weekday. My parents did not charge rent either. All of them are very successful, and it really didn’t matter that I moved out after college and they all stayed home for a while. I had married directly after college, so I was able to save money because of that.</p>
<p>What do you want him to be motivated for? To live a 100% independent life after college? I do not think that is reasonable compared to the average college student.</p>
<p>If he is home for break, see if you can take some time and get him in touch with the college career services office, and look for a summer internship. You say he isn’t motivated, but he has not failed out even if it is taking him extra time.</p>
<p>I will never stop supporting my children, <em>if</em> they need it. I will not cut them off. </p>
<p>If he is home, make him do chores if he expects to get fed and clothed for free. It’s not clear to me if he is contributing to the household in terms of chores.</p>
<p>My one brother (now a plant manager) is an example of unmotivated, he didn’t even apply to college on time, and my parents asked him where he was going to college when he was graduating HS, and he had no answer. They did manage to get him into a decent tech school, and it took him six years to graduate, after some drug issues slowed him down. But he is doing very well now and highly respected in his field. I feel like it did take him until about 25 to adjust, and with your son’s history, I’d expect at least 28 years old.</p>
<p>Thanks guys for the posts!</p>
<p>I see the dilemma between supporting and motivating. I would continuously support my son after his graduation if would try hard for his own future, either pursuing higher degrees or going through interns. But I am afraid my support have caused and will continuously cause his unmotivated life style.</p>
<p>Jongleur, once you cut off the funding then the behavior changes (in most cases) - he’ll be more motivated because the money tree is cut down. I would cut him off somewhat - like others have said, chores if he lives at home, preferably a summer internship or job, pay only the necessities (room, board and tuition, books). He can get a job to earn the rest. Stash the extra cash in case he turns out to take longer to launch than usual or for graduate school if he decides to go that route. $100 a month as opposed to $500 is plenty for a student who has all other costs paid by parent.</p>
<p>Thought from a high school senior!
Of course, I don’t know the whole story, but I do know that letting him do his own thing could, <em>could,</em> help. I’m a self-motivated person, and when others try to motivate me, I usually push back and do less than if I was just let alone.</p>
<p>Besides, he’s in college now, and needs to learn to take care of himself.</p>
<p>Runner019, thank you for your valued thought! </p>
<p>But this IS exactly what we have discussed about: HOW to let our kids do their own thing to take care of themselves.</p>