How to tell if transferring is the right decision?

Parents Forum
1

<p>My S who has been considering a transfer from UMiami to SUNY New Paltz and felt like it was a done deal last semester is now rethinking his decision to maybe not transferring.</p>

<p>He is not 100% happy at UM and feels NP is probably a better fit for him, but has made a place for himself at UM. He has some ok friends, feels as though the academics meet his needs and enjoys the weather and all UM has to offer. I think one of his concerns is the difficulty of transferring to a place where he knows nobody and starting over. Is that a reason not to transfer?</p>

<p>He is very into alternative music, playing guitar and is more laid back than the kids at UM. Most of the kids he knows have never even heard of the music he is into. He has not found any kindred spritis as far as friends go.</p>

<p>Should he stick it out at UM and have a so-so college experience or transfer with an unknown outcome, but the possibility of finding more his type of kids, but not having a safety zone, nice weather and better facilities?</p>

2

<p>LM--no one can answer for sure, but I'll tell you my D's experience, briefly, and my feelings on this. She felt, I think, exactly like your S in her first school, down to the alt music. She had a lot of trouble finding kindred spirits. It was a party school atmosphere, disguised as a place where learning mattered (as far as she could tell, learning only mattered extrinsically--what tangible benefits will it get me, not learning for its own sake). </p>

<p>She too considered transfering, but change did not come easily for her (never has). Over break, she made the decision to pursue it, though not necessarily to carry it out, when her one good friend at School One announced she was not going back.</p>

<p>She spent the spring filling out apps, and vacillating about whether to go or not. She got into a couple good schools that sounded as if they attracted students more like herself. Even then, she hesitated.</p>

<p>What finally made the decision, was that she just couldn't stand the idea of going back again. And, when you can't go one way, suddenly, another way looks do-able. </p>

<p>In a nutshell, she had to face change, because she couldn't face non-change. To me, that's when it's time to go. But--it's not easy. I sympathize with you and your S as he works towards his decision.</p>

<p>Ultimately, in my D's case, it was the best decision she ever made. she made lifelong friends at School Two, loved every minute of being there, and learned a lot about herself, and what she can overcome.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and LMson!</p>

3

<p>not 100% happy? Oh noes!
;)
Sounds like your son has realized that he would be losing a year and more when transferring.
My philosophy has been that unless things are really bad and no way around them, that it has served myself and the kids better to make the original plan work.</p>

<p>There must have been compelling reasons to choose UM in the first place no?
Then why not continue to make the effort to take advantage of that well thought out decision and the time he has already put into building his own community.
He has his academic needs met, has friends & enjoys the weather- really isn't the rest up to him?</p>

4

<p>Miami is such a cultural hot-bed. If the school doesn't have "his music" you can bet that within a few miles there will be clubs that do. The more focused one's interest the more aggressive they have to be in finding others that share that passion. Can he start a club? Advertise it on school free-media outlets? Get the music editor of the school paper and drag him/her to a club where the music is playing. Get local performers who play his kind of stuff to play a free gig for UM students? Internet group on Facebook for his school? Write an article for the newspaper himself? Befriend the radio station kids?</p>

<p>I'd stay in a heartbeat. I was a 10%'er at my school and I had no problems. I moved quite freely among the thinking folks of all stripes while never giving up my own chevrons. I kind of enjoyed my "different-ness". I certainly stood out. ;)</p>

<p>Edit: But I also agree with garland. When the pain of leaving is outweighed by the pain of staying, it's time. </p>

<p>Everything else sounds real good, so I'd suggest a greater investment, greater initiative, use that noggin' to create what he wants out of thin air. He'll find somebody at a school that size to be his Sancho Panza. Tilting at windmills is incredible fun if you're in the right frame of mind.</p>

5

<p>One thing worth considering is what the experience of transfer students is like at SUNY New Paltz.</p>

<p>Are there special programs for incoming transfers to help them adjust to the school? Do incoming transfers live together? </p>

<p>If transfers are just thrown in with other upperclassmen, they may be lonely and bewildered. They are just as new as freshmen, but they may not receive the same supports, and the people around them (other upperclassmen) may not be as interested in making new friends as the people around a freshman would be.</p>

<p>All of this does not matter much, though, if your son has a lot of friends from high school at SUNY New Paltz. They would provide an instant social circle and could guide him through the new school's bureaucracy.</p>

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<p>I agree with Marian on the importance of how the transfers will be treated. There were about 60 at D's school, and they had several transfer orientation events, plus all of regular orientation. They were given special advising, and roomed in the same area so they could support each other and make friends. This did lead at first to her friends being mostly fellow transfers, but by junior year, her network was much wider than that. </p>

<p>The support was really important for her successful transition.</p>

7

<p>Hmm. I think I actually come down in the camp of go ahead and transfer.</p>

<p>If you are going to be swimming the other direction from most people culturally, socially, etc., you at least want to find an academic or extra-curricular activity where you are at home.</p>

<p>I say this from personal experience. When I went to Princeton in '74, it was not the place for a hippie girl from California with patches on her bluejeans and a bandanna on her head (remember those?). Socially I was always a bit like an alien from another planet - never did figure out why anyone would willingly wear whales on their belts, or drink so much beer they puked. But academically I was in sheer heaven. So the couple of friends I made were enough. And BTW have lasted all these years. But the experience of being an outsider did mark me, and I have always wondered what would have happened if I'd gone somewhere where I was in the cultural mainstream at the time.</p>

<p>My son is looking at UMiami. But with the idea that a) he'd spend most of his time at the marine bio facilites b) the music interests he has would be well satisfied c) he would love to have a good sports team to root for if the Hurricanes can pull it together. If your son doesn't have anything he really loves about the school that compensates for his alien in America feeling, I say transfer now. It stays with you, that feeling of being an outsider. For some, that's fun, they like the windmills as Cur says. For others of us, with maybe a less robust love of tilting, it's not so fun and at the end of the day, not necessary.</p>

8

<p>


This didn't sound like an ice floe to me. It sounded like a case of the druthers. "All things being equal , I druther have close friends who shared my interest in my music who were more chill". </p>

<p>LOL. I think we are all hearing what we expect to hear. Can't stand the preps, the pre-pro's drive me nuts, everybody listens to Gloria Estefan ;), where are all the artsy-edgy-counterculture folks or at least one or more of those themes. I think we (me included) are engaging in a little transference, our remembered feelings become his and I just don't know that's the case.</p>

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<p>Sure. If you extrapolate, most non-quantitative advice is only transference, in the end:).</p>

<p>BTW Gloria Estafan for my S is a plus. He told me last night that the BeeGee's How Deep Is Your Love is one of the best songs ever. I am still reeling.</p>

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<p>He told me last night that the BeeGee's How Deep Is Your Love is one of the best songs ever. I am still reeling.</p>

<p>AACCCKKK!! Call the Exorcist!!! Now!! 911. We have a music emergency.</p>

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<p>intravenous Motown STAT</p>

<p>* Barry, get. out. of . my. head*</p>

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<p>We are in the northern part of south Florida, not Miami. My younger D has alternative hair, wears alternative clothes, and listens to alternative music. I suspect there are lots of different "alternative" genre's, but I have to tell you that its there in Miami somewhere. She knows kids in Miami and Ft. Lauderdate that she has meet online (yea, that's another thread) that have come up for gatherings. She can't wait to be old enogh to go down there without a parent. I suspect UM is a bit preppy, (so is my older D) but the alternative music/scene can be sniffed out. </p>

<p>Its really a toss up to stay or to transfer. I think the scariest thing is that he could make a change and be more unhappy than he was staying put. He will just have to go with his gut.
PS what does he listen to? 3 band examples and I will see what D's response is without telling her why.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the input and advice! </p>

<p>sunnyflorida - here are three bands....Dredg, Dead Poetic and Kaddisfly. I think the fear of transferring and being more unhappy is the big fear here. There is a venue in Ft. Lauderdale that has bands that he is into and he has been there numerous times. However, he only has 1 kid to go with that shares his taste in music....otherwise he has been going alone.</p>

<p>As far as I know, SUNY New Paltz does have some transfer program. They pair up transfer students with a mentor staff member, but they do not guarentee on campus housing. They do have an orientation prior to school starting and an advising session during the orientation. The school is fairly small, about 5,000 students and is located in a fairly rural location, so it will be a smaller community than he is used to and less to do outside of the school community - all which may make it easier to meet others. </p>

<p>I, personally feel he should transfer, but the decision is his and his alone. I had a very similar experience to him in that I started college at Syracuse University, stayed for 2 years and hated it. I ended up transferring to NYU, which I loved and was very happy at, but I don't want my past experience to get in the way of what's best for him. </p>

<p>Please keeps those opinions coming.....</p>

14

<p>LM is it possible for your S to spend a weekend on/near SUNY NP’s campus? Does he know someone at the school? Unless he has a fairly good idea…. the grass is truly greener at SUNY NP…..maybe he should remain at UM. Either way, I wish him all the best.</p>

<p>Alumother, my D is also looking at UM, for all the same reasons (except marine Bio) as your S. Let me know if he decides to attend. :)</p>

15

<p>Oh I have never heard of any of those bands ( well I have heard of Kaddisfly but I think they are local)</p>

<p>the ones I have seen are Kings of Leon, Black Rebel Motorcycle club and Wilco but I don't even know if someone in college would think they are too mainstream ( there were lots of kids at the all ages shows though)
My D also works with a muscian who is in Strangers Die Every day ( actually she is his boss)
Oh and I really like Hypatia Lake.
but I don't really know what is considered alternative- I mean is Pearl Jam alternative?</p>

<p>But my point I guess is, as long as he is in a big enough place that bands come to play- he can find others to share his interests with, even if he has to drag them along once or twice.</p>

<p>The nice thing about nowdays is it is easy to find local people online- for instance I just turned 50 & most of my friends like jazz or chamber music.
However, through attending fundraisers for causes that my favorite band supports I have met lots of local people that I am getting to know.</p>

<p>I know what you are going through. For instance my oldest D attended private school K-12.
When she was in grade school, she was in the first graduating class ;) of any size ( 10 kids). Because of that, several kids had transferred the previous year ( aided by the knowledge that several schools- namely Overlake & Lakeside start at 5th grade & while it seems mildly humourous to me now, their chances of admittance was much improved by applying in 5th rather than 6th)
While she did have some rough spots, ultimately it seemed better to work them out, than to attempt the unknown.
( fr instance there was a girl in her class, that just seemed to be able to push all her buttons & to persist in doing so. That situation didn't seem to resolve itself while she was in grade school, but since she was changing schools for middle school, we reasoned that this particular problem wouldn't follow her.----- wrong-- even though this young lady had planned on attending a different school, at the parent orientation meeting guess who walked in!- However, they even got to become friends, although she transferred a couple years later, after her mothers didn't feel the school handled an incident appropriately- )</p>

<p>I think your son is just going to have to tough out the decision and then whatever he decides make it work.</p>

<p>For instance while when D went to Reed, she felt like " I have found my people", I can also see her having attended other schools & perhaps even a different school would have been a smoother experience.</p>

<p>An undergrad degree is really not that long, and even if everything isn't utopia, finding ways to make it a success for him, will help with other less than perfect fits down the road.</p>

<p>If he had a pretty sucky high school experience though, I can see the motivation to wanting a much better college experience.</p>

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<p>I understand what LilyMoon's son is going through. My son is into metal music, and he was not happy at his middle school, where rap was "in". He is currently attending a high school where metal is actually considered cool. He is somewhat of a god because he plays guitar in a metal band. It has made such a difference for him! It might sound trivial, but for those kids for whom music is an integral part of their lives, it matters very much to be with kindred spirits. It's a common interest that is important to them. It's not that he didn't have friends at his old school ... it's just that he feels more connected to his new friends.</p>

<p>If your son has thoroughly researched NP & truly believes he would be happier, then I would say he should go for it. I happen to be in the camp that thinks social growth is an important part of the college education. If your son finds a comfort level at NP that he doesn't have at Miami, it will be worth it. However, it is very important that he makes sure NP really offers what he thinks it offers. It is easy to assess curriculum, class size, etc. --- it is much more difficult to determine whether or not he might find some kindred spirits. But if he really thinks it will work (and he is willing to deal with it positively if it doesn't turn out to be all he thinks it will be), then I think it's worth the risk. While no school is perfect, some certainly are better for an individual than others. Sometimes kids choose the wrong school, and in the process, they find out what they really want/need ... and it's not a bad thing to pursue that.</p>

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<p>How long has your kid been at this school? Is he a freshman? If so, we are talking 14 weeks! It takes some kids time to find their peeps; especially so if they are not the go-getters who know where to look. Has your son gone to meet the kids who dj the radio show? Has he gone and hung out where people who would like his music hang out. has he joined some pickup bands or formed his own. has he....given it time? All anyone really needs is one or two good friends. It is a lot to expect them to happen in the first 14 weeks. It takes many kids, especially boys, some time to find their friends, and often, close friends are not the ones you make that first semester. those are proximity friends. I think that if your son is happy with the academics, and okay with the other stuff, he should try another semester. So many kids who want to transfer at the end of fall semester are very happy at the end of the spring.</p>

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<p>I also find it hard to believe that the music scene in Miami is lacking. If your S is a freshman, then it is understandable that he hasn't connected with more people like him. Perhaps he is homesick for long term friends & family.</p>

<p>I've sat behind Gloria Estefan & family at basketball games, & have been impressed by how graciously she handles the press.</p>

19

<p>My S is not a freshman, he is a Sophmore. While he doesn't know that New Paltz will meet his needs completely, he does think that it is more an atmosphere of kids who are more alternative, down to earth and laid back. It seems that alternative music is big there and local bands play often as well as many of the bands he likes play in nearby Poughkeepsie. The fact that it's a state school versus a private school will also be a factor in the type of population that the school attracts. He would probably meet many kids who live near home and the possibility exists that he could get an internship closer to home in the future.</p>

<p>He is spending this coming semester, the second of his sophmore year, at Miami. I think this will be a very telling semster and the time he has to decide whether to transfer or not. </p>

<p>It is such a hard decision tho!</p>

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<p>Lilymoon, your son seems to be thinking this through. It sounds like NP might be a better fit for him. I see absolutely no reason for him to stay in a place just because he is there. He has done his research & seems comfortable with taking a calculated risk. I vote for being solidly in his corner as he does whatever he feels is best for him. He has been in Miami long enough to know. </p>

<p>I am surprised that so many adults seem to feel that he should stay where he is. I don't get it. He has found a place that he believes will better meet his needs. Is it because his needs are based on his musical interests that folks don't understand why he wants to leave? Even though there may be others with similar interests "somewhere," he obviously hasn't connected to them for whatever reason. He honestly thinks that he will be able to find his niche in another place. Why not try it? I am willing to bet he will be much happier if he decides to transfer & does so.</p>