A spotlight report was published today in the Boston Globe:
The article points to nearly 200 students who were abused in New England Boarding Schools at 67 different schools. This report makes it clear that sexual predators are present on many boarding school campuses.
How do you educate your kids about these threats? As a parent, how do you handle this issue? Would be interested to hear your thoughts
I know Dave Settler very well. I can’t believe the situation he found himself in. On a personal note, in the parochial school that I went to, our male religion teacher invited our football captain and his best friend camping. After a few beers, he tried something on my friends. They beat the hell out of him and he never came back to our school.
The most important thing to understand is how the “grooming” process works. It is typically not random.
@carpoolingma, It’s the process of making the kid and the family trust of the predator. It may take a while and it rarely involves anything sexual at the beginning. In some cases, it’s been taking the kids to “special” events, such as bowl games, so that the kid feels comfortable with the adult and being alone with them. There’s a documentary out there about the Penn State case, and it explains it and shows it pretty clearly.
But as the OP’s question, I think it’s a continuation of what you taught them when they were little. If they are feeling uncomfortable with a situation, they should leave. Any touching that they are uncomfortable with is inappropriate. And you want to be sure that they’ll be comfortable talking to you if they feel there’s a situation that doesn’t feel right.
At the same time, I wouldn’t want fear to make my child uncomfortable expressing affection with a hug, for example, so I’d really keep the emphasis on touching that felt inappropriate and/or sexual.
There is a course provided by Safe Sports that can teach you about the process.
I believe if a teenager is aware of how the process often happens they might be able to recognized when they are being targeted/groomed.
The same issue is present in summer camps, scouting, sports teams, even Sunday School.
I hated having to bring the topic up, but basically I made sure my kids knew about sexual abuse and explained that people who did that sort of thing gravitated to employment around kids, so just be aware. They had received the basic education about “good touch” etc., over the years, it was just an additional heads up.
I think the last three words can be deleted; certainly based upon the recent media frenzy re: Joe Paterno, predators are not confined to boarding schools.
@alooknac – Your point that the same issue is every where is true but it ability to occurs increases where adults have unsupervised access to children. BS, Summer Camps, Overnight situations, etc. have greater likelihood. Also where parents allow children to be alone with an adult like private dance and piano lessons, increases the likelihood.
I agree @skieurope That was just the conversation we were having at breakfast this morning. Spotlight focused on boarding schools but how much does it differ from other high schools (public and private?)
@skieurope: the main difference between boarding schools and other situations is the period in which to groom someone is much longer and intense. In almost all boarding schools there are faculty members who live on the same floors as the students, in many cases right next door. Added to this fact, the kids are hundreds or thousands of miles away from home, and look to the adults.
Summer camps the period available to groom is far shorter, and there is a lower likelihood, IMHO.
@laenen: I tried to find the Safe Sports course you wrote about, and couldn’t find it. Could you post a link or send me a PM? Sorry to hear about your experience in parochial school.
Does anyone know if the schools themselves educate the students about this during orientation? I don’t recall this ever being discussed at my son’s BS. The schools are in the best position to warn students, and new student orientation would be a perfect time to do so.
@sgopal2 – I will try to find it. I am on the BOD of a Boston Sports Organization and we had to take the course. Just to warn you – it is rather disturbing because a lot of the onus lays with the parent that allows the grooming to occur.
In Boston, there was a recent case of a dance instructor giving private lessons in his Beacon Hill apartment. What were the parents thinking might happen?
RE: “Good touching”. As a person that coaches at the HS level down and as a parent that have children that compete up to the national level. Putting aside the fist bump, I do not touch a player unless injured. And I have instructed my children not to allow any touching (except an injury or fist bump). I do not want my children to have to think about whether a touch is good or bad. It is just a plain, No.
I understand that most children/women/players can tell the difference. This works for my family – YMMV
I one think the problem is that often the grooming involves getting the kid to do something that is not sexual that they know is against the rules before assaulting them. Get the kid to take a drink, look at porn. Then the kid feels like telling is a problem because they have broken rules, too. I noticed how many of these situations had the perpetrator giving pleasure to the kid as a starting point. How guilty does that make the kid feel, and how much less willing are they going to be to tell someone? I think good touch-bad touch is a starting place, but a more direct conversation about how pedophiles keep their victims from telling is in order as well.
@intparent, that seems a great point to teach to new students.
@sgopal2 - I think some schools do. I know my D’s school had several assemblies/speakers this year that directly spoke to situations similar to SPS, rape culture, and the type of abuse in the article. They also provide ongoing training to the staff on appropriate boundaries etc. The headmaster’s letter home last week was about this exact subject and mentioned that this article was about to be published. The school hasn’t had this issue but I’m glad they are discussing it openly with parents and kids.