I was reading through the handbook of one of the boarding schools and saw detailed explanation of the rules regarding intimate relationships between students and it explicitly stated it is forbidden. Basically, they outlined the rules and explained simply that 16 year olds under the law are unable to consent to sexual relationships (in that state) and therefore sex with an individual under sixteen is rape (their word). I can imagine schools are in an impossible situation and cannot allow or condone sex among students. Yet–how do we advise our children? Clearly students do sneak into other people’s rooms and in to classrooms or go out in the woods, etc but aren’t they jeopardizing their status at the school? With respect to drugs and alcohol policy I expect to be very clear with my child and I think it is reasonable to expect those rules are followed to the letter. How have people handled this?
I think you teach them to respect others.
I don’t really get your question. Are you saying that you agree with the school’s rules on drugs/alcohol, but don’t agree with the rules on sexual intimacy? I don’t see how you can do anything other than tell your kids that they have to follow the school’s rules, no matter what they are. Obviously some kids are going to break the rules, and that’s equally true for the drugs/alcohol rules as it is for sex. So I think the conversation to be had is that even if they know that other kids are breaking the rules, that’s no excuse. The conversation I had with my son went something like this: “You know I will kill you if you get kicked out of school, right?”
I think that it’s REALLY important that you go over the handbook & these rules with your kid, before revisits. Revisits usually allow for a lot of time for accepted applicants to interact with current students, and to ask questions about what these “handbook rules” mean in terms of day to day life and culture at that school. Are the kids following the rules and respecting them? Is there a culture of breaking the rules? Are kids getting suspended/kicked out and what do current students say about this? We found that these questions didn’t really come up during the regular admissions events, so my daughter asked very specific questions during revisits. She got honest answers, and it was very helpful to her.
Bottom line is the rules are the rules, and if you break them you face some pretty serious consequences. Because these rules apply 24/7 in a boarding school (as opposed to only during the school day at a day school), they cover everything, including activities that would be beyond the scope of a local school - including off-campus parties on weekends etc. Your kid needs to understand very specifically each school’s code of conduct, the disciplinary process, and the honor code and what it will mean to them. If they are fortunate enough to be accepted to one of these great schools, and you’re fortunate enough to be willing & able to pay for it (FA or not) I think that it’s only fair to expect that your child will agree to follow the rules. With privilege comes responsibility and all that.
What I found very curious was the fact that most schools that we toured didn’t really address the fact that teenagers are hard-wired to be risk-takers and boundary pushers. It’s who they are at this stage of their development, so why not admit that? Only Cate & Thacher (here I go again! ;-)) talked about this in a way that made sense to me. Their focus on outdoor challenges - horses, hiking, camping, rock-climbing etc. is meant to provide high school age kids with some of the “risks” that they crave.
soxmom, to clarify my question. I plan on absolutely telling my children to follow the rules to the letter. What would trouble mie if any school has a climate (related to drugs and alcohol or sex) in which the rules are essentially made to be broken. . ie many kids flount the rules openly. I recently read (with disgust) entries on some site called something like Anonymous prep school or prep school confessions (I can’t find it right now). There, a student from a prestigious boarding school solicits all kinds of “confessions” of what really goes on behind the scene in graphic detail. I assume that many schools now have a one strike policy with drugs and alcohol. If many students at some schools flount the sexual intimacy rules with impunity that sends a strange message to the students. By the way, my DS is a rule follower in general so I am not particularly concerned. He also goes to a school that is small and where any violation of the rules would be evident immediately. The community feels a collective responsibility to follow the school policies and believes in them. I want him to attend a similar boarding school.
So, soxmom it is not that I disagree with any of the rules. I like them and I like that they are clear. I just wonder if the intimacy rules are in some way flouted more openly by students. (By the way–I discourage anyone searching out the confessions site. Of course, many of the alleged confessions are surely exagerrated and even if true represent a small cohort of the students. Nevertheless they would turn your stomach).
All the prep school kids I know (and I know a number of them) roll their eyes and shake their heads when the “prepfessions” site is mentioned. They say it’s like fan fiction… and not to be taken seriously.
Yay!
There’s a difference between the drugs/alcohol vs. sex situation, though, as sex isn’t actually against the rules at all schools. For instance, at Hotchkiss the student handbook says that sexual intimacy is “inadvisable” but it’s not actually against the rules unless there was no consent or it amounts to statutory rape. And the law in CT is such that statutory rape isn’t going to happen all that often in a high school setting – teenagers ages 13-16 can give legally valid consent unless their partner is more than 3 years older. So two 15 year olds is ok, but a 14 year old and an 18 year old isn’t. I can’t say that never happens, but clearly it would be way outside the norm. But even at schools where it is against the rules, presumably most of the intimacy that happens isn’t actually breaking the rules – sneaking off to some dark corner to make out isn’t flouting any rules. Drugs/alcohol is much more of a bright line - it’s against the rules at all schools, and a student is either breaking the rule or he isn’t (and of course it happens at every school no matter what the rules and consequences are).
That is interesting soxmom. You grasped my issue about the distinction between drugs/alcohol (always illegal) and sex (depends on the situation).
I think it’s important to remember that whether a kid lives at home with strict parents and clear expectations around these boundaries, or at prep school where sexual intimacy is either “against the rules” or “not advisable”, kids who are determined to find a way to do it are going to do just that. Faculty and dorm parents take “in loco parentis” very seriously, but they can’t have eyes on the kids 24/7. As parents, we teach them our versions of right vs. wrong, talk it through, make our expectations known, then let them go, and hope they will remember and make good choices.
A wise comedian once said “Teenagers are just really big hormones with feet.” I think that’s pretty accurate!
We have had endless conversations about sex at boarding school on this site over the years. The bottom line is that you do your best to give your child good advice but then hormones, opportunity, and a poor excuse for a prefrontal cortex step in and all bets (and rule books) go out the door. No school promotes underage sex or fooling around, but just like death and taxes it’s going to happen.A few kids make it through with no scrapes, a few have some really rough moments, but most just have the usual, distracting broken hearts and Saturday detentions. I have no idea why but every time this subject comes up, I am reminded of Grandpa’s (Alan Arkin’s) hysterical advice in the back of the VW bus to his grandson in the movie Little Miss Sunshine. You’ll have to google the video clip if you want. Let’s just say that there will forever be a multitude of opinions on the subject.
On legally consented sex between students, I would advise to respect the school’s rule as best as you can. But if you fail for whatever reasons, then don’t be overly feel guilty, yet still continue to respect the rule as best as you can.
By the way–any questions about this matter in my opinion only pertain to the narrow issue of some interaction that is fully consensual - the enthusiastic YES. I am wholly in favor of the Yes means Yes philosophy of consent and explain it to my adolescent clients all the time. And about intimacy and trust. .All tough conversations that need to be had before they get their first taste in college orientation. (Now basically mandatory).
Bingo. That was certainly the situation with my parents. However it should also be noted that every parent’s expectations will be different. FWIW, I’m not sure how/if the parental guidance would differ with a day student.
I also need to reinforce an earlier comment for all parents: take @prepfessions with a huge grain of salt. Better yet, just don’t read.
The advice I gave my child…Keep it in your pants.
skieurope I like your advice re. the prep school confessions site. It was enough to make me reconsider whether boarding school was o.k. for our family. Then I remembered that I am horrified by the culture in our day schools! I think overall that boarding schools do an excellent job of providing structure and supervision and I believe in my child based on his history in terms of following rules and decision making. Thank you for all of the replies.
" I think you teach them to respect others. "
And perhaps find it more important to follow school rules than to shag on campus…
Consensual is NOT the point. It is legal to give your children alcohol in your own house in our state. But you can’t give other kids alcohol. How does that make sense?
If people don’t get that there are rules and if they don’t like them, they should send their child elsewhere, then that’s their problem.
My spouse and I lived together on campus before we were married, but we had to share a single because there was not supposed to be opposite gender couples living together. Same sex was completely fine of course, and there were many examples of it.
Think about it this way - they have to serve all parents. I would not want my HS age child having sex in my house. How can they serve parents like me and parents who are tolerant and think sex is like using the bathroom in terms of importance?
I recommend talking with your child about the sacrifices your family is making for a boarding school education. A friend once remarked she wishes her parents had pointed out to her just how much (in the 1980s) they were paying to send her to her private school.
The handbook should be accurate and up-to-date in describing the rules and the consequences for violating the rules. It’s a good idea to ask at revisits if the school follows its own rules. Some schools have all-faculty discipline boards; others include students. My impression is that students are less likely to be merciful than faculty.
College applications ask about disciplinary infractions. Going in front of a disciplinary hearing would certainly count.
Of course high school students fall in and out of love. The rules help to protect them from their impulses, to the extent they’re willing to follow them. Many (most?) schools do educate their students about contraception, as well. I think boarding school faculty are more realistic about teenage relationships than parents are. The state laws governing such things are important.
In addition, there are always faculty members who will never bust students for parietals under any circumstances along with others who will get kids expelled without a second thought. Given the stakes, too much luck is involved in whether you get a chance to scurry back to your room, get suspended or get expelled. Not taking the stupid chances and not breaking the rules that can get you bounced regardless of what they are is usually the best plan.
What schools would expel students for sex? Maybe for some other offenses but I haven’t heard it happening for this, or even suspension for that matter, unless it was a repeat offense or the student had other disciplinary actions.