@Hanna YES- I got killed in my divorce because my ex never went back to work-- it was such a bad thing for me in the end.
Maybe the real key advice here is don't get married.
Great posts throughout this thread.
To warriordaughter: I just want to emphasize again that I know many women who took years or decades out of work, and then resumed working once the kids were older. I listed some of the jobs that women I know have taken on after childrearing, in another post.
It is true obviously, that some career trajectories in some professional fields suffer, but many fields welcome women who have been at home-as long as they can bring skills to the table.
The other path people here have mentioned is maintaining part-time work, and I think community involvement and volunteering can also augment a resume. I know nurses and lawyers who have done this and then resumed f/t at some point.
My mid-30’s daughter who has a degree from a top LAC and a graduate degree from an Ivy, recently decided to be a SAHM after she exhausted her maternity leave when her twins were born. She had been working FT since she started college with a 2 year break to attend grad school. She had wanted to work PT, but her company and industry generally doesn’t permit that. In addition, her H has a job that has marathon hours and in their situation, they needed a parent who could attend to the needs of her babies or have a loving nanny who could work 14 hours a day.
I do not think she will go back to FT employment because in the corporate world, once you step off the ladder for a few years, you may have to start from the bottom again. Her husband’s career will always require about 80 hours a week. He is appreciative of her support in taking care of the home front so he can spend the time to advance his career. Luckily he has been nominated for a huge promotion next year.
At my urging, she has a nanny who comes for 7 hours 2 days a week so she can do errands and have mental breaks. As the twins are more mobile and active, she plans to increase her helper to 3 days.At the moment, she has no friends who are FT mothers and this gets lonely for her. She is joining mother’s groups to meet other mothers.
She hasn’t thought of financial backups in case life throws a curve ball, but we can help her if needed. Their situation is not perfect, but it is what it is.
OP, if you want to be able to take time off for a few years for family but also wish to get back FT or PT in your career, I think the types of career that can make this transition easily will be in health-care related field, such as pharmacists, nurses,MDs, dentists, physical therapists,etc or jobs that don’t have a traditional hierarchy.
@cbreeze I totally understand your daughter’s decision. She has TWO little (but active!) ones, and a husband who works 80 hour weeks - but earns enough to support all of them. If it were my daughter I’d also urge her to get help, and think of her sanity first! With her education and extensive experience, she may not have as much difficulty getting back into the work force when she’s ready.
PS How fun is it to be a grandma to TWINS ??? Envious!
I laughed at #137. Yup, at one point, I wanted eight. Then four. (I had already been working.) DH rolled his eyes and I thought I could handle it. I imagined all of them happily in control while we trekked through a sort of Costco. Big casseroles for dinner (all eating their veggies,) no tension. Lots of happy little bunnies tucked in with visions of sugarplums… I do admire people who can handle a large number well. Good kids make a good next generation.
But I learned, for us, that it really does take a village. I learned right away about how the little pre-school cared, socialized them in ways, taught them what we missed, supported them in all sorts of ways. And equally important, they were so patient, caring and inspiring.
Not all of us have friends with same age kids. We didn’t even have a local teen to babysit. You do your best and the kids know it.
One other thing my mother taught me was you can actively “make” memories. No bucks for a fancy vacation? Mine loved picnics near the water, going roller skating, having sleepovers at our house. As needed, over the years, we reminded them. We still do. They get it.
But I will add, one of our fondest collective memories is when I was on the “lunch mom” rotation.
@katliamom, it is a LOT of fun having twin grandsons. They are wonderful but exhausting.
I should have edited to say that my D has been working FT since she finished college.
Like @oldfort, I had advised her to have a nanny or two and keep working, but it was a decision between her and her husband.
I’m friendly with a neighbor across the street, a SAHM who’s 8 months pregnant… and the mother of a 2 year old with leukemia. 
Her husband also works 60 hour weeks. When they got the diagnosis for their toddler, they immediately hired a nanny even though my friend doesn’t plan to work for the forseeable future. The nanny will be indispensable when baby #2 arrives, and right now relieves mom taking care of the 2 year old so mom can go to the gym, get a massage or take naps… things crucial to her physical and psychological well-being as she faces being a new mom while also mothering a toddler with a life-threatening illness.
It DOES take a village. But when you don’t have a village, a nanny is the next best thing 
Most people can’t afford a nanny, and many people with special needs or sick kids get no respite at all.
Not to be frivolous, but this goes back to the Jane Austen-like idea of our offspring “marrying well” : ) In my entire town, I know two families with nannies, and one had triplets…
A nanny sounds wonderful… but completely inaccessible for most of us.
I became my dad’s caretaker when I was in 7th grade after his accident. Sure, hiring a caregiver would’ve been nice… but keeping our small roof over our head was nicer.
You know, we wouldn’t even have to have this debate if the United States provided the same kind of financial support for families and new parents that European countries do.
Why is parenthood – and especially motherhood – such a fraught decision in the US? Why are we discussing all the many ways that you can get screwed over if you have kids too early, or too late? What’s wrong with this picture?
Why doesn’t our country care about its children?
I know someone who worked AS a nanny-that’s about as close as I’ve gotten to that kind of life. There’s certain assumptions being made in this discussion, but that’s to be expected on a forum populated by highly educated, upper income people.
When I had my 17 yo, I got involved in one of those online debate boards, where new moms debated about the best way to raise a family. My husband would laugh at my stories about the working mother vs. stay-at-home mother debates, because in his world, both parents always had worked, often two or three jobs. Sometimes THEY were the nannies, the gardeners, the housekeepers that the working mothers needed to catch a break for their psychological well-being. The kind of break these working mothers never got.
It was a stark reminder that my own upbringing with mothers who volunteered in schools and on the boards and women’s clubs wasn’t entirely the way things are for many, many families.
It’s really nice that some young women who want to work 80 hours and have a nanny-or two(!) to ease the pain of the workaday world have that option, as is the option of staying at home with a baseball team sized family. But really, both are not typical options for the vast majority of families, even those with educated parents. And even when they are, you’d better be ready to roll with the punches. I’ve worked with homeless women who once lived the life of Riley, SAHM who thought they’d never EVER work, and so on.
There are no guarantees-THAT is something we ought to teach our children.
“There are no guarantees-THAT is something we ought to teach our children.”
Amen to this, @sseamom!
Besides “There are no guarantees” I also taught both my son and daughter that “Life is never fair!”
Let’s just break this down a bit. How much would a nanny(fancy name for sitter) cost? $10, $15, $20/hr? How much could our college graduates make (I think most of our kids are college graduates or we wouldn’t be on this forum)? I would say probably higher than our local sitter’s hourly rate. Even if the whole paycheck were to go straight to pay for childcare, in my opinion it would still be a worthwhile investment, especially if one wants to have a career after kids are grown.
So this is not just an option to a select few. This is an option that’s available to most of our young adults if that’s what they want.
This is exactly right. What if the breadwinner spouse were to die, became disabled, lost a lucrative job, or opted for a divorce? Would the stay home parent be able to support the kids or him/herself?
I was the main breadwinner in my family. The ex decided he was going to take a more relaxed(or none existent) view of his career. It was a great and unfair pressure on me. If he was pulling more of his weight, I may have had more options with my career. The interesting outcome of my situation is I have done well in my career because I’ve had no choice but to do well. I think if the ex was doing better I may not have pushed myself as hard.
Most can’t afford to pay a nanny and the bills. Not all young families are earning at that level. Nor were many of us moms, in our 20’s. Those stories of 60 or 80 hour weeks suppose a big city/big profession income. It’s not how it is for the majority.
The point I was making was most college graduates can make enough money to pay for a nanny, even if there is nothing left after paying for a nanny, but it could mean having a career until kids are old enough when there is no need to have a nanny. I knew nannies who hired their own nannies to take care their kids while they worked.
I am not advocating that everyone should make the choice of working outside of home. There are pros and cons on every choice. If you should decide to be the stay home parent, I would make sure you are taken care of financially, whether it means to have your 401k properly funded, have enough life insurance on the other spouse, or even a legal agreement on how assets are to be split in the event of divorce. Not every state is that favorable to the stay home spouse when it comes to divorce, and NC comes to mind. Even NY state would only require the working spouse to pay alimony for few years and expect the other spouse to be self supporting at some point.
Interesting perspective. It does seem like a prudent choice for long-term career trajectory and financial stability.
My mom always tells me that I need to try to find a career I love, because it’s really hard to leave your kids to go to a job you hate. (She personally experienced this while working as a realtor-- after having kids, she absolutely hated leaving us in someone else’s care to go off and work a job she felt, at best, indifferent to. But we needed the money.)
I think I would need to really love my job to give up my paycheck and most of my time with my kids, especially when they’re small. It’s encouraging to read the stories of moms who have made it work, through a variety of creative paths.
Most college graduates cannot make enough money to pay for food and shelter, let alone a nanny. Eighty-two percent (last I read) are living at home because they cannot afford to do otherwise.
I really get frustrated by the limited career categories discussed here. You CAN stay home for a time and then get a rewarding job. However, if you want to do research, a gap in your career might pose problems.
My doctor just had a baby and had intended to come back to work, but decided to stay home. More doctors, mostly female are also working part-time. I really don’t think things have changed that much. I do know one male doctor who works part-time (his wife is a scientist).
Many ambitious young women are still avoiding having a family, as they have for decades. If you want a family, I would just continue on a path that involves work you love, and see what happens. Plenty of women advance in careers but then stay home, and plenty continue with work, too.
There are so many factors to consider and for you, many factors are still uncertain, making any kind of real planning difficult. I think you will have to go with the flow to a certain extent, while also deciding on what to continue with in grad school (and if you want to go to grad school).
@oldfort, many women I know who didn’t earn a lot decided the nanny expense was worth it. Their reasoning is that, yes, for a couple of years much of your salary goes to daycare BUT in the meantime you are accruing job experience, professional contacts, seniority, 401K funds and social security. All too many women forget about these extras they lose out on by opting out of the workplace… extras that add up to a significant amount over time.
Yes, nannies are a luxury, but it can be similarly priced to daycare. I’ve known very middle-class earners who made it work for them financially. To minimize the expense, many moms today do nanny shares – very popular where I live. And by the time the kids go to kindergarten, they rely on a nanny for the afternoons only.
The whole nanny scene has gotten much easier to deal with since the internet came into play. Back in the stone age, when I was a young mom, we relied on word-of-mouth and it was TOUGH to find nannies if you didn’t have the means to go through a pricey agency. That isn’t as much of an issue today.