<p>Debt is just one of many variables in finding the right life partner. If the choice is between a debt-ridden perfect-match partner and a zero-debt not-great-match partner, I would hope she chooses the former. A perfect-match true love life partner really is priceless. I know, because I have one.</p>
<p>Well..I stand corrected. Just asked S #1 if he would marry someone who had over $100K in student loans...he said, "not without a prenup". Of course, he hasn't found his true love yet...:)</p>
<p>Which is the reason the Ancients devised the "dowery"</p>
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Which is the reason the Ancients devised the "dowery"
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<p>It depends on where one is from. From India, I heard the dowry goes from the bribe family to the groom family. From other Asia countries, it's the opposite, it goes from groom family to the bribe family. I vote for the later since I have 2 girls, hehe.</p>
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My Ds didn't think my statement was outrageous, I think they agreed with me. Hopefully they will remember when the time comes.
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<p>I would not be surprised by this. Hypotheticals are very easy to agree with, especially when they have just one dimension. Quite another matter when you are a self-assured adult with strong feelings about a partner who has much more to him/her than just a financial spreadsheet.</p>
<p>This seemed like a nice enough guy to his wife:</p>
<p>I might be flammed for this, but IMO it is parent's fault to let their kids amass debts in $150+ range for an undergraduate degree. They seem to be clueless in finance. Just because an 18 year old wants to go to his/her dream school does not mean middle aged adults have to agree with the kid.</p>
<p>columbia_student: Just a trivial bit of fact. Contrary to the articles you might have read, the dowry system in India is not as universal as one might think.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>I have enouraged my girls to have their eyes wide open <<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Agree with this NM. Just so both kids know what 100K+ debt means and agree as to the best way to pay this load off...</p>
<p>Starbright - my D1 at the moment is quite involved with someone. She is very confident of her own ability to take care of herself. She is probably more of a planner or worried than I could ever be. It took her a few months of observations before she decided to go out with this young man. On the contrary, a self assured woman tends not to be as impulsive when it comes to relationship.</p>
<p>Even the Obamas only recently paid off their student loans . . .</p>
<p>^ wrong example. Go back to reply # 46</p>
<p>Northstarmom:
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Whom my sons marry is their business. They are adults. My helping my sons with their college doesn't mean that I get to have veto power over decisions they make that concern only their own lives.
I can see speaking up if one's offspring is going to marry someone who is abusive, has a drug habit, gambling addiction or some similar difficulties. I can't see, however, telling my sons not to marry someone who has large student debt. Yes, having such a burden will restrict their options as a couple, but I don't see that as my business.
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<p>Well said.<br>
I don't get how the presence of a burden that may restrict their options as a couple makes it my business or concern.</p>
<p>Marrying someone who is in the military would restrict their options as a couple (in terms of where to live, lifestyle, etc.)
Marrying someone who has a job that requires frequent relocation would restrict their options as a couple.
Marrying someone who is a caretaker to disabled / elderly siblings or relatives would restrict their options as a couple.</p>
<p>But so what? I wouldn't tell my presumably competent adult child not to marry someone in the military, someone who requires frequent moves, someone who has to stay close to a certain city to care for elderly relatives -- assuming I otherwise liked / approved of the person. I don't see why it's any different for college-debt (or medical debt for that matter). I would feel differently if it were consumer debt, but college debt is an investment.</p>
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In many Asian culture they look for "match" or "equal" when it comes to marriage. Match includes family status, wealth, religion, education. It is believed if both partners are equal then the marriage has a greater chance of surviving. Money is usually the biggest source of conflict in a marriage, but often people do not discuss it until after they are married.
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<p>With all due respect, and not describing you specifically, oldfort, but judging by what the culture has sown -- hyper-stressed Asian kids on CC and their you-have-dishonored-me-if-you-don't-go-to-Harvard parents -- I can't say that Asian cultural mores are of particular attractiveness to me as something I wish to emulate.</p>
<p>From Suze Orman's book The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke:</p>
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Any debt that you took on before you got married is not the responsibility of your spouse after you get married. You're only on the hook for debts that you both run up during the marriage. But if you consolidate your student loans together after you marry, then you are both on the hook for the other spouse's debt.
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<p>However, Orman goes on to say that even though a young couple is well advised to merge many aspects of their finances, student debt is an exception. If consolidated, the debt is considered to be taken on after the marriage and will become part of the divorce settlement. In a case like that, one could be out for more of the debt than you started out with. Another reason to avoid consolidating - if the spouse dies or becomes disabled you may not be able to get the loan canceled. Another issue with merging student loans is if one of the spouses wants to go back to school at some point he or she won't be able to take an in-school deferment.</p>
<p>Suze is so cool.</p>
<p>My D recently married a man with considerable loan debt from medical school. She is in grad school and his income as a new doctor is low. They have a financial advisor and have it all figured out and live very frugally so that they can meet all their obligations. It wasn't something that even crossed my mind when they got engaged. That would have been the case even if he didn't have good long-term earning potential.</p>
<p>If someone is so in love to want to marry, things much worse than student loans are not likely to break up the match. There are many problems when two people want to marry. Different religions, race, life styles, criminal records, financial issues, troublesome families, etc. All of these things should be discussed, brought out into the open, but I don't think it is wise for parents to oppose the match unless the there is danger involved (abusive situation).</p>
<p>Pizzagirl - my parents were arranged marriage. The matchmaker checked out each family's background before she did the introduction. My mother had to take a peek of my dad behind a door, luckily it was love at first sight for both of them. I have 3 Asian girlfriends that have had ups and downs with their respective husbands, they are still in their first marriage. For good or bad, Asians tend to be more traditional when it comes to marriage.</p>
<p>With all due respect, you don't get too many asian kids or parents on CC to discuss how their kids are not going to classes, or failing out of college either. Every culture has its good and bad.</p>
<p>MOWC, you obviously taught your daughter long before the engagement to make informed financial decisions. That's all I think any of us can do. I use my niece as an example because sometimes there are major red flags that should be discussed in any case. Not to forbid anything, of course, but to suggest pre-marital financial counseling, consolidation, all sorts of things. I'm a big fan of information and discussion. THe debt shouldn't be a deal breaker or even a major crisis if it's considered and accommodated properly. For example, if my kid had or married someone with six figure debt and then started planning a six figure wedding, I think I would say something.</p>