<p>We all want our children to marry the perfect spouse. Rarely happens. A large student loan burden is not on my list of big concerns. However, it does rate as a financial issue that the couple needs to address, and if I found out about it, I would advise them to make plans on how to deal with it.</p>
<p>I married someone with debt, and that debt is still growing. My husband and I will be close to the 200k mark together when we graduate. But, we had to do it all alone, no parental help. So in that respect if our daughter fell in love with a guy who was trying to make it on his own and better himself and had no choice than to be in debt, than I would by all means support her...... If however it was some guy that was taking out school loans in order to drive a benz while in college and to live in a swanky bachelor pad, i would be against it but mainly because i would think he isnt the brightest person for her. ... but who knows, my daughter is an infant and this is a scenario in a time far far away- hopefully by the time she goes to college it is all free.</p>
<p>"Which failure is allowable?"</p>
<p>A timely question given all of the adults that fell in love with houses that came along with a boatload of debt. Of course you can divorce the house with only a 7-year penalty if you don't want to hang on to the debt. If we have millions of adults that couldn't manage their finances, what are the odds that we won't have millions of young adults in similar circumstances but in different areas? Like marriage.</p>
<p>There are some with financial expertise that I respect highly. I have no problems asking them for their opinion when I have a decision to make. Of course I make my own decisions all of the time but someone that's really, really good, might have an excellent reason to not do something or may have an alternative suggestion. Sometimes those suggestions are literally worth their weight in gold. And silver, platinum and uranium.</p>
<p>(nice to be able to use the same post in two threads)</p>
<p>Or at least tax deductible.</p>
<p>It is actually not that far away. You need to decide whether you want to be very poor or very rich, the key is not to be in the middle.</p>
<p>"Suze is so cool."</p>
<p>She's essentially a nut and shill for the financial industry.</p>
<p>Hard to see how people take her seriously.</p>
<p>She does make for good entertainment on SNL.</p>
<p>"But so what? I wouldn't tell my presumably competent adult child not to marry someone in the military, someone who requires frequent moves, someone who has to stay close to a certain city to care for elderly relatives -- assuming I otherwise liked / approved of the person. I don't see why it's any different for college-debt (or medical debt for that matter). I would feel differently if it were consumer debt, but college debt is an investment."</p>
<p>Let's take a look at our presumably competent captains of industry and how well they manage their own money and that of their shareholders. If they can screw up that badly, then so can 22-year-old adults.</p>
<p>BC, That was exactly what my husband said about Suzi.</p>
<p>I have quoted this on another thread. My mother used to say to us about marriage(it's a Chinese saying), "Keep both of your eyes open before you get married. Keep one eye closed after you are married."</p>
<p>[I'm not certain that I'd ever even find out what a prospective son-in-law's educational debt load is. How would I? Is this something I'm supposed to ask? It feels like none of my business./]</p>
<p>I only know future son-in-law's debt because we offered to lend them money for the condo they were considering. He offered up the information. I suggested rolling the college loan into the condo loan and he refused saying it was his "debt" and he would continue to pay it off. I believe he's a good and honest person. Someone asked if I'd judge him differently if his debt were greater and his income lower--the answer is no. Moreover, I would never dictate who my D should or shouldn't marry (unless there were signs of physical abuse).</p>
<p>I do not expect to be consulted; I imagine I will be "informed" when the time comes</p>
<p>If I am consulted and and if I know that the prospective bride has substantial debt, I would simply ask S if they have a plan to handle that. He is extremely frugal by nature, so he would probably have already thought about this.</p>
<p>My girlfriend's son did exactly this..........marrying a girl who has more than $200K educational loans while he has no debt because his parents scrimped and saved for his college expenses. It has caused a rift in the family because it is believed the girl's family could have afforded to help contribute more towards her education. Her father has a PhD in the chemical industry and she is an only child.</p>
<p>There are so many perfect people out there all our children will find them. An awful lot of smart financial people aren't feeling so great right now. Stuff happens, even to the best and brightest. </p>
<p>Undoubtedly everyone posting on this thread (excluding me, of course) is a financial genius, but this can't be a valid sample of society at large ;).</p>
<p>Very little on cc is a valid sample of society at large. Doesn't diminish my addiction though...</p>
<p>
[quote]
It has caused a rift in the family because it is believed the girl's family could have afforded to help contribute more towards her education.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I really will never understand why people insist on buying trouble when they are giving it away for free. Who cares what the father could or could not have done? When, g-d forbid, really trouble hits this family, will having this rift have helped? No, of course not. </p>
<p>This is also a good example of what I will not being doing. My in-laws have good boundaries, don't judge and only use the past events as a way to revisit happy or meaningful times, not speculate about who could have done what differently. Believe me, not having been raised that way it's a struggle but I'm thankful for at least having the example to try and strive for.</p>
<p>PMK-</p>
<p>Lovely. I envy you your in-laws and admire your attempts to emulate their example.</p>
<p>So, for those of you who would discourage your adult child from marrying someone with significant college debt (that you otherwise approved of or had no issues with) ... would you feel the same way if the adult child wished to marry someone with medical debt from, say, a bout with cancer, or a chronic condition (multiple sclerosis, being wheelchair bound) that would entail repeated medical expenses? I guess there's no "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer" ... only for better and for richer. </p>
<p>How about if your child marries someone and the two of them then jointly decide to put the spouse through graduate school? What's the essential difference, really, between Mary marrying Johnny who's already incurred $200,000 debt from med school, and Mary marrying Johnny and the two of them incurring $200,000 debt while Johnny goes to med school?</p>
<p>"It has caused a rift in the family because it is believed the girl's family could have afforded to help contribute more towards her education. Her father has a PhD in the chemical industry and she is an only child."</p>
<p>Of course, one never knows anyone else' s financial status, so unless the father is a Rockefeller, a Kennedy or Gates, it's quite possible that they don't have the money that your girlfriend's family thinks they do. Perhaps they have large medical expenses that they don't broadcast, that are behind the scenes. Perhaps they support elderly relatives and don't make a big stink of it. I hate when people try to count other people's money.</p>
<p>About Zuzie Orman - I bought her book on my vacation to read for relaxation but I couldn't finish even a few pages. I was wondering how an ordinary person could read and understood her book if they did not know anything about money. I prefer the books written by Janet Quinn Bryant about money. She is much more organized.</p>
<p>On marriage - Marriage should be between 2 equals especially when it comes to money. My grandmother did not want anyone in my family to marry up(we don't kiss up very well) but at the same time she did not want anyone my family to marry down either(too many problems with different socio economic classes). So that is the advice I took, I married my equal in every sense of the word.</p>
<p>mafool, Thank you. That's very kind. I am very grateful for my in-laws.</p>
<p>"On marriage - Marriage should be between 2 equals especially when it comes to money."</p>
<p>So if you are fortunate enough to be full-pay at a selective college and therefore graduate with no debt, you should only look to date other full-payers? Is that how it works? What's the point of the wonderful diversity of a selective college, if the goal is just to find people Exactly Like You?</p>