How's my essay?

[ucbound2012]

<p>This essay is for Question #1 for the UC app, can someone read it and tell me how it is?
I'd appreciate it.
The glittering lights of the city shone as I looked out the plane window. Being the observant toddler that I was, I knew that this was no longer Bogot</p>

[Japher]

<p>Way too many commas. I first noticed it in this sentence:</p>

<p>

I had no idea that this plane ride would change my life, no idea that my entire potential for success would be increased hundredfold by this eight hour plane ride, no idea that I was one of the lucky few, a select group of individuals to whom the prospect of the American Dream, that shining beacon of hope and opportunity that only flickered in the minds of children in my native country of Colombia, suddenly became a plausible reality.

</p>

<p>After that I realized it plagued your whole essay. I think you had maybe 4 sentences without commas, which says to me that your sentence structure is not exactly perfect. </p>

<p>

I know that I have a responsibility as a Colombian native to return to Colombia in the future and help, help the children in the remote villages that lack the very basic aspects of life that we all too often take for granted, help to the men and women who lack access to healthcare and jobs, help to a country so rich in natural resources and beauty, yet so unfairly stigmatized because of the rebels and drug cartels.

</p>

<p>What?</p>

<p>My advice would be to go back through the essay and try to eliminate commas by creating more coherent and direct sentences. I think you writing is like your train of though, and it shouldn’t be.</p>

<p>Here’s an example:</p>

<p>

On trips back to Colombia, I have seen first hand the poverty and insecurity that people must face on a daily basis. I know that I have a responsibility as a Colombian native to return to Colombia in the future and help, help the children in the remote villages that lack the very basic aspects of life that we all too often take for granted, help to the men and women who lack access to healthcare and jobs, help to a country so rich in natural resources and beauty, yet so unfairly stigmatized because of the rebels and drug cartels. I also know that I have a responsibility to educate myself, to take every opportunity for learning presented to me and apply it to its fullest potential.

</p>

<p>To:</p>

<p>During trips back to Columbia I have witness the poverty and insecurity that people face on a daily basis. As a Columbian native I know that I have a responsibility to one day return and help give children [the basic aspects of life we take for granted], supply jobs and healthcare to the men and women, and restore the country’s rich natural beauty. I am determined to acquire an education and apply it to its fullest potential for the benefit of Columbia.</p>

[smarts1]

<p>You should not be posting essays out in public.</p>