<p>That would be added to my second to last paragraph.</p>
<p>Added a little more to it...</p>
<p>Even more important, however, is my new understanding and appreciation for the natural world. Being an aquarist has made me aware of the degradation of our environment and the possible consequences this entails for all living things, whether fish or humans. This prompted me to join the ecology club at my school. Spending Saturdays cleaning creeks isn’t a glorious job, but I get satisfaction from knowing that I saved a few fish. Even the littlest and most ordinary creatures have beauty in the way they work and function in the world. I look at my fish and realize that every creature has its niche in the world. I haven’t found my niche yet, but I sure don’t want it to be between the glass panes of the slums as a low-income immigrant who was never expected to succeed.</p>
<p>Oh and btw I explained the "low-income immigrant" in my supplemental essay. Will that suffice or does it sound out of place?</p>
<p>I liked your essay overall. However, I think you could benefit by deleting the following words:</p>
<p>"There was nothing really spectacular about the dusty hardcover book, hidden on the shelf by a multitude of other books. It didnt beckon me with its flashy colors or glossy cover. To be totally honest, I merely pulled it off the shelf as a reading assignment for my fourth grade class. That seemingly insignificant book would plunge me into a hobby that continues to engulf me in its waters even today. </p>
<p>The title of the book was unpretentious enough: The Aquarium Book for Boys and Girls. After reading the first few pages, I knew I had to get some fish of my own. I remember begging my mom to take me to the local aquarium fish to get some fish, and when she finally relented, I was ecstatic. When I finally got to the store, I was greeted by rows lighted tanks filled with exotic, rainbow-colored fishes. There were fish shaped like pointed javelins, others like spiny butterflies, and others like miniature whales with short elephantine trunks for mouths. Curtains of bubbles shimmered up in each tank, like effervescent bubbles in a champagne glass. I took home a few fish of my own home that very day. Those few unfortunate fish didnt live very long, but I learned from my mistake of not dechlorinating the water before adding the fish.</p>
<p>Fast-forward a few years. I have read countless aquarium books and the fish I take home no longer fear an immature death. I feel like a budding biologist. Setting up a biotope is enjoyable yet very time consuming. Biotopes consist of fish from the same region of the world, such as the murky Amazon River Basin or the tropical rice-paddy swamps of Thailand. I do some research to find out which fishes live in the same area and which fishes are compatible with each other. Aquatic plants from the same region are also added to the mix for a more realistic biotope, and I also have to find out the water parameters, such as pH, hardness, and temperature suitable for the species of fish. Other little details such as substrate and types of rocks and woods safe for the environment are also considered. After I the aquarium is planned out, I start to put it together. Pounds of gravel and water are lugged back and forth, and I spend hours arranging a natural and aesthetically pleasing environment for the fish. The job does not end with setting up the tank, however. I must monitor the water conditions and complete the nitrogen cycle in the tank. Even then an aquarium can take hours a week to maintain.</p>
<p>Being a serious aquarist has taught me more than I thought it would. I already knew about the pH scale before my chemistry teacher explain it to the class. I learned about the nitrogen cycle and water quality testing, among other things, through my readings and experience as an aquarist. By observing my fish, I learn about animal behavior, even if their environment isnt as natural as it could be. Fish can also be a stress reliever: they can lull me to sleep with their graceful movements between their glass panes. My interests in aquariums is not only limited to fish. I also have keen interests in herptiles, but thats a different story. </p>
<p>The world of a fish in an aquarium must be an interesting one. While some may argue that keeping pets is inhumane, my fish have a comfortable life. They dont have to worry whether or not they will have something to eat at the end of the day, or whether they will be eaten. They owe their lifestyles to a little unpretentious book I pulled out of the library as a fourth-grader. The book has infected me with fish fever, and I hope to never be cured of it. "</p>
<p>SERIOUSLY. The Vandals and visigoths will steal your essay if you don't delete it. Bad idea, Sandra.</p>
<p>Please review this a bit before writing the next draft. I'm guilty of writing this way sometimes as well; and if you become a bit more aware of your own writing, you'll start writing sentences using the active voice. </p>
<p>It'll really help your essay and it won't drag as much.---You're writing a personal essay, not an article for a science journal.</p>
<p>Haha...no...it's actually a comic series from HK.</p>
<p>overall concept is good but needs to be a more personal essay.. isn't that we're supposed to write?</p>
<p>when people say personal, what is personal enough? I'm just wondering because I'm not very good at critically looking at other people's essays and am afraid that mine will not be as good as I think is.</p>
<p>Here's what I think.</p>
<p>It's really "flowery"... you're trying to say too much. It doesn't flow very well, and it's not that easy to read. I very much agree with WindCloudUltra: more active sentences. </p>
<p>Harvard needs to know who you are. From your essay, I know that you like aquariums and you've learned a lot from fish. But why would you be a good addition to the Harvard student body? What can you contribute to Harvard? The essay is a chance for Harvard to learn more about you as a person- you've (presumably) got great stats and a great resume. Harvard will be interested in the fact that you are an aquarist, but to stand out in the applicant pool, you must intrigue them. Why should they admit you? Why are you special?</p>
<p>After reading your essay, I'm bored and know nothing about you. I don't think that's how you want admissions officers to feel.</p>
<p>Okay I revised it some and will PM to anyone who wants to read and help me.</p>
<p>Don't say the title was "unpretentious enough". It's a minor point, but I winced when I read that and only skimmed the rest of the essay. It's an irritating choice of wording. I don't think the subject matter is problematic, though; good writing can make even the dullest subjects wonderful to read.</p>
<p>Sure, virtuoso.</p>
<p>Virtuoso - I know you worked for weeks on that essay. For starters, you should not post your essay on the cc website. No one should. Of course we all want to be helpful but you never know if someone could take your ideas and use it as their own. You are better off to privately send your essay to posters on cc who you have come to know through their posts and whom you believe you might trust.
Since you have already posted and you have obviously put a lot of hard work into your essay and a great deal of time, I will offer my thoughts. I thought that that essay started off in an interesting way, but went in a direction that does not convey who you are. Your application along with all the components needs to conjure up an image of you as a live, breathing person walking around the campus and contributing to it. Not only do all the parts of the application including your essay need to fit together and reinforce each other, but the essay should be a reflection of you. Admission officers after reading that essay will not know anything else about you other then the fact that you like fish and acquariums. If you had for example tied that intereste in fish to doing research at an acquarium and how that experience impacted your life, that might have been different. It is not so much the subject that you choose to talk about in the essay, but what is more important is to give the admisison officers a picture of who you are.
What you really need to do is to think about and write down all the qualities and characteristics that describe you, your passions, your intererests, what is important to you, where you see yourself in the future, your strengths and weaknesses, ect and look it over and get a sense of who you are and what you want to convey. Then, you could find the vehicle to convey it. Perhaps there is a way to use the story that you have posted, but only if you can find a way to give it a greater meaning in your life.</p>
<p>Admiral, I understand you are a probably very busy individual, but seeing how you cut down virtuoso_735's essay, I was wondering if you would be willing to trim mine down. It's one I used for Harvard's optional essay and what I plan on using for Princeton's "Someone who inspired you," and Yale's additional essay (any topic). I have to cut about 21 words.
If you are willing, I'll PM it to you. Thanks!</p>