Stanford long essay

College Essays
1

<p>Please read it and tell me what you think.</p>

<p>There was nothing really spectacular about the dusty hardcover book, hidden on the shelf by a multitude of other books. It didn’t beckon me with its flashy colors or glossy cover. To be totally honest, I merely pulled it off the shelf as a reading assignment for my fourth grade class. That seemingly insignificant book would plunge me into a hobby that continues to engulf me in its waters even today. </p>

<p>The title of the book was unpretentious enough: “The Aquarium Book for Boys and Girls.” It was good-sized book with various illustrations of children having a great time pouring fish flakes into their aquariums. After reading the first few pages, I knew I had to get some fish of my own. I remember begging my mom to take me to the local aquarium fish to get some fish, and when she finally relented, I was ecstatic. When I finally got to the store, I was greeted by rows and rows of lighted tanks, filled with exotic, rainbow-colored fishes. There were fish shaped like pointed javelins, others like spiny butterflies, and others like miniature whales with short elephantine trunks for mouths. Curtains of bubbles shimmered up in each tank, like effervescent bubbles in a champagne glass. Each tank burst with life and energy, and I took home a few fish of my own home that very day. Those few unfortunate fish didn’t live very long, but I learned from my mistake of not dechlorinating the water before adding the fish.</p>

<p>Fast-forward a few years. I have read countless aquarium books and the fish I take home no longer have to fear an immature death. I feel like a budding biologist. I love setting up biotopes for my fish. Much research and time goes into each biotope. Biotopes consist of fish from the same region of the world, such as the murky Amazon River Basin or the tropical rice-paddy swamps of Thailand. I do some research to find out which fishes live in the same area and which fishes are compatible with each other. It would be more like a natural ecosystem if predator and prey were in the same aquarium, but it isn’t so enjoyable to see a fish munch on another one in your aquarium! Aquatic plants from the same region are also added to the mix for a more realistic biotope, and I also have to find out the water parameters, such as pH, hardness, and temperature suitable for the species of fish. Other little details such as substrate and types of rocks and woods safe for the environment are also considered. After I have the aquarium planned out, it is time to put it together. Pounds of gravel and water are lugged back and forth, and I spend hours arranging a natural and aesthetically pleasing environment for the fish. The job does not end with setting up the tank, however. I must monitor the water conditions and complete the nitrogen cycle in the tank. Even then an aquarium can take hours a week to maintain.</p>

<p>Being a serious aquarist has taught me more than I thought it would. I already knew about the pH scale before my chemistry teacher explained it to the class. I learned about the nitrogen cycle and water quality testing, among other things, through my readings and experience as an aquarist. By observing my fish, I learn about animal behavior, even if their environment isn’t as natural as it could be. Fish can also be a stress reliever: they can lull me to sleep with their stately, graceful movements back and forth between their glass panes. My interests in aquariums is not only limited to fish. I also have keen interests in keeping aquatic plants and amphibians and reptiles, particularly frogs and turtles. Those interests, however, are a different story. </p>

<p>The world of a fish in an aquarium must be an interesting one. While some may argue that keeping pets is inhumane, my fish have a pretty comfortable life. They don’t have to worry whether or not they will have something to eat at the end of the day, or whether they will be eaten. They owe their lifestyles to a little unpretentious book I pulled out of the library as a fourth-grader. The book has infected me with fish fever, and I hope to never be cured of it.</p>

2

<p>Heya virtuoso_735,</p>

<p>I read your essay and I think it is quite unique! However, there are a few aspects that could be molded more and made more out of the box. For one, the body is fine, but the introduction is a little too short. Immerse us in the finding of the book, really show us the emotions, and that should be good to go. Also, everybody thinks of an essay as having "an intro paragraph, a concluding paragraph, and 2-3 body paragraphs." Why not take a risk and do something unconventional? One sentence paragraph, all by itself. It would emphasize a point, but only do that if necessary. For instance, my essay had to do with my love of music, but it wasn't ME doing the narration; the essay was told through the POV of a microphone, and as retarted as that sounds, it makes for a really unique perspective on something.<br>
It might be weird to do an essay from the POV of a fish, but maybe do something that you think noboyd else would do. The idea of the essay, however, is very uncommon and portrays your interest in fish and fishtanks, etc., (which btw i like too, but that's besides the point lol!) If you need any more help, put some more posts on, but this essay is an extreme in the potential category (meaning it has the power to do amazing things!) Good luck to you!</p>

<p>~ Jeremy, class of '11 to somewhere, hopefully lol</p>

<p>P.S. Admissions officers won't be impressed by big words in a row. Take, for instance, your intro. There are many big words, like "seemingly, insignificant, plunge, engulf," and though they try to foreshadow the "water" theme (plunge, engulf), they cut the flow and, maybe in my opinion, distract the reader. Go for smaller words with bigger impact, if you know what I mean. Overall excellent job so far!</p>

3

<p>Thanks for your comments Jeremy. :) I'll certainly consider your suggestions.</p>

4

<p>Nobody else? :(</p>

5

<p>one minor thing I found:
you need two spaces after a colon</p>

<p>The body is great except as Jeremybeach said you need to add more emotion to the first paragraph and I think you need to make a stronger last sentence (because everyone these days seems to be using some deviation of that).
Other than that, its great.</p>