I can't go to Neverland.

Colleges and Universities A-Z Reed College
1

<p>Before we get to reality, can I just say thank you? You are the only college acceptance that I legitimately, truly cared about. And that was the best acceptance movie I could ever even conceive. And then to show us extras, and lead me to a link featuring every tree on campus...I know why I applied to you. You're like candyland. For a few minutes I could ignore the irony of it all.</p>

<p>I'm sure I have some bias after living in Silicon Valley. Innovation is great as long as it's the right kind of innovation, as long as everyone's polite about it. Nobody is that important here. We're one of thousands! Why would we ever be important!</p>

<p>I've consistently gone to schools that make sure you know you don't know anything. The teachers are gods, and you are scum for arguing with them. I argued with my elementary teachers, that of course Australia is an island, you just said islands are surrounded by water and that's Australia right there. It got more logical and less whiny through school, but it was still there - teachers were always right, that cloud corporation just knows more than you do and that's that. I admit it's dropped away these last two years of high school - now it's just not worth arguing. The teachers acknowledge our own personal troubles, finally, but we are still cogs and we are still insignificant. At the end of the day we're going through a system and nothing will stop that. Many around me have accepted this as, simply, life.</p>

<p>And then you accepted me. And the only thing running through my head when I see your name now is...validation! Success! The way I think can work!</p>

<p>And now for reality. I do love my jarring transitions.</p>

<p>I can't afford you. Because the government thinks I can, and therefore you think I can, and therefore I can't. I would have debts of 6 figures. I can't go to my school because everything I can't control went wrong!</p>

<p>I don't mean to whine too much. I am going to an amazing college, and I have parents to help me with the checks. There are people who deserve that money so much more than I do, and I really hope they enjoy their time with you.</p>

<p>(But could I just whine a little?)</p>

<p>I can go to Berkeley now. I'll love a lot of it, I'm sure. There will be a few people I'll be able to loan my heart to, and I'll grow and learn and consider myself one of the lucky few to have the chance to be anywhere like that. But I am never going to get rid of the nagging pit that wonders what could have happened if chance hadn't ruined my chances.</p>

<p>I have to open doors. I have to keep my options open and meet a lot of people. I have to commercialize the fact that I work with an autistic child at my temple. I have to think about graduate school and understand that I should be more proud of my GPA than my ability to play Here Comes the Sun on guitar. I have to be a responsible adult.</p>

<p>And ultimately that is why I think you are my candyland. You are intangible and I will never know if you truly exist. And nobody ever really gets to candyland, even when they find where it's supposed to be. I don't think you would be everything I idolize you as if I ever could see you - half of me is sure you wouldn't be. The other half refuses to ever give up hope. You are my candyland and my neverland - I could play at Reed, forever.</p>

<p>I call thinking 'play', and I have to catch myself to explain that because it is so natural for me. So few really enjoy the act of thinking. "Somebody just do it so I can copy you!" keeps ringing through my head, a line I've heard once and too often. No wonder we're just cogs, people are afraid to be anything more than that. (I love the idea of people! That's what it is. People themselves are hard for me to enjoy, when they aren't really a person.)</p>

<p>What I am ultimately going to take from your acceptance is that I could have gone. I really could have. The only thing that's stopping me is everything that's not me! That is amazing to know. Thank you so much for that. There are so many dirty specks of reality that I'm not paying attention to right now, and I almost want to keep it that way.</p>

<p>Let's pretend. You may not be perfect, and 5% of me knows you aren't. But the rest wants to believe there's a school somewhere in Oregon that is made of people that care, that think and play and live. And even if I am stuck in the UC system I can do that, because I could have done it with you.</p>

<p>It's terrible, isn't it? I'm idolizing you. It's practically religion. I am not all that mature, I know, to let myself keep doing this. Just a little longer, though. It's so nice to believe.</p>

<p>I saw a poster today, "Vote for _______ Reed!" When I saw it the last bits of me that were fighting against it gave up. I can't see you. It just can't happen. But I can do what you do. You proved it to me.</p>

<p>I guess it's my turn to prove it to myself.</p>

<p>(Thank you for reading all of it. Somewhere in there it turned into therapy, so I apologize if it didn't work for you. It did help me.)</p>

2

<p>Gosh Im so sorry, I was waitlisted, but I wish there was a way you could attend. But in the comments section of the fin aid form, couldn’t you have explained your situation? Based on your writing right now you probably wrote an excellent why reed essay. I too, am
going to Berkeley. I guess it was neverland for me me too, flipping through that book and wondering how great it would be to sit on those lawns, and know that this is where I belong. Reed to me was that kid in Ap lang who understood the crazy things I had to say during seminar. Who beleived me when I said The speaker loved London like a wife and not just a place. Who assured me that i wasn’t some psychopath who babbled alot and only had a big head because of my mass of hair. Despite my becoming of Valedictorian, my dedication to Theatre and art, and the fact that I stayed up late because I actually like learning, I knew I wasn’t gonna make it. Something was gonna go wrong and it did. The most unsettling thing is that I kinda made it halfway. It’s like arriving to the gates of heaven, but they don’t open. You can see through the golden bars of opulence an envy the laughing angels who got there, but you are still a mere mortal. Slowly falling through clumps of misty cloud until you feel that floor beneath you. I really wish I could erase the last few months, forget the Doyle Owl, Reed Arts Week, and Renn Fayre. I wish I could forget Reed, even hate it, but I can’t. I will never forget the idea of learning somthing because you can, exploring the abyss when everyone tells you you can’t. It’s like I’m Both Roxie and Amos, I had my time in the spotlight but now I need to step aside and become Mr. Cellophane. </p>

<p>Sorry if there is any gramtatical errors or spell fail, I’m on an iPod and I can’t scroll back up. </p>

<p>Thank you rimag, this his been theraputic for me too, wanna be my roomate at Berkeley? </p>

<p>I wish you the best.</p>

3

<p>And also I don’t mean to mock you if it comes off that way. I kinda got sucked in.</p>

4

<p>No no no, that was amazing! You talk like I think, I think. And that was amazing to read, nothing to mock there at all. You should do this more often, if you don’t already. Writing pretty much got me through the first half of high school.</p>

<p>The significant thing is that aid was almost assured when I applied. In between then and now we got freak bonuses that put us just out of the price range…unluck is all it was.</p>

<p>You sound like you had a stronger application an I did! I can’t imagine being waitlisted here, what does that even tell you? Terrible terrible purgatory. Maybe, some wishful thinking, maybe you can have my spot. Or maybe, consider it a boon. You have the right stuff…but too many people have the right stuff. At the least, that’s good for us, those cool people will be coming somewhere and we can see them.</p>

<p>We’ve got to convince ourselves that Berkeley can hold people that enjoy themselves. I feel like we’re in the underground, learning just-cause is so frowned on here. But there must be some sort of unrecorded group that can let us at least simulate Reed. Or, if truth is as bad as my fantasy makes it out to be, we can start it.</p>

<p>(I am going to figure out how to watch the rest of Chicago, Amos is brilliant. And you are not Mr. Cellophane if you don’t want to be.)</p>

<p>We will have a lot of chances to do spectacular things. Maybe they won’t get noticed at Berkeley, with how much sheer stuff happens there every day. With all the internet bearing down on us, no wonder everyone feels so small. That’s why I loved the website devoted to trees, these guys take notice of the little happy things, and so few do that…we just need to keep doing that. The minority always looks a little crazy, but it won’t matter so much if we’re it.</p>

<p>It sounds like you’ll be doing a lot of theater. I am horrifically uncultured in that (I really enjoyed Noises Off!, Into the Woods, a few others our school has put on…and Spamalot! My gosh, Spamalot. So frumpy, and glorious.)</p>

<p>We need to connect somehow, though! Definitely. You sound like exactly the person we’re looking for. Berkeley will be great, I’m sure. No, I’m not. But eventually, I think I will be.</p>

<p>(21 views already? Mr. Mystery people, I hope you’re enjoying your ant farm. If you anything at all to add, comment please!)</p>

5

<p>I actually think I pushed the view count up because I was stalking this page waiting for a reply XDDD. It really amazes me that people from Reed actually exist. At my interview, after I asked the important questions, I asked Ms. Sawicki “so…there’s actually a week of celebrating the arts?” I was just so blown away. </p>

<p>I understand that it is in my power to be a non cellophane (… what?) but I don’t know, I always find myself blening in. When people are talking about our two other valedictorians, my good friend who is very serious about school but can be silly, and an absolute genius who scored 760 on the phsics sat without even taking physics, they forget me: tiny, nerdy, and kinda wierd. People often ask me about my SAT scores and I’m like : “1660…” , and then I quickly try to qualify myself and say “but I got an 11 on my essay!” ( luckily I got a 29 on the acts Which is still pretty low but I’m extremely thankful it is (was) in Reeds range). </p>

<p>Though if I ever was in Chicago I would probably audition for Amos, though I still haven’t learned to sing yet. </p>

<p>I’m still quite amazed I got into berkeley, after my UCLA rejection I was thinking “wow…I must have really messed up!” until I realized I applied for a massive impacted major where stats weren’t as important as portfolio. </p>

<p>My sister applied very lavishly like I did (cal, ucla, Stanford etc.) and she didn’t get in anywhere but Irvine. Though she still wishes she got into Cal, she said college was the most amazing thing in here life. </p>

<p>Maybe it’s different for us because we sortof found that perfect spot, the place where absurdity synthesizes with intelligence and creativity. And it seems like nowhere else in the world matters. But, like you said, we got into a school where people dream of getting in. Berkeley is a world class education and we’re gonna receive it. At first, Reed will always be in the back of our minds (do you ever write “reed” instead of “read”? I’ve done it many times recently) eventually we’ll forget it all. I hope. </p>

<p>I remember Orlando feels much pain when his older brother finds love when he himself can only idealize it onto another man (who happens to be the Rosalind he loves). Eventually he earns his love. </p>

<p>I wanna be Like Orlando, loving Reed which is actually wearing a disburse and is really Berkeley. Unfortunenty I played Silvius, who loves Pheobe, a girl that sees nothing in him. </p>

<p>Gosh I’m babbling again. I’m
actually calling Reed tommorow, to get a straight awnswer on why I was waitlisted. As stupid as it sounds, it will help me
sleep at night (gosh Im lame).</p>

<p>I need to read spamalot,
I think I have a copy of the script in my drawer somewhere…</p>

6

<p>At times like these I wish Reed had a gazillion dollars and a 100% acceptance rate, but then it wouldn’t be Reed, it wouldn’t be the oddly perfect yet imperfect Reed it is. I’m sorry that it has to be this difficult for both of you, but you have a great opportunity in Berkeley, in that due to its size, it can be candyland and Reed-like when you want it to, and it can be other things at other times. Honestly, Reed is not perfect, truth be told no college is, so while you may idealise it, you may end up going there and realising you hate it after a while and want to transfer, like one girl who applied ED last year, but can’t handle Reed anymore. Ultimately, it’s about finding your Neverland, one way or another, and it doesn’t have to be Reed.</p>

7

<p>rimag, I’m in almost the precise situation you’re in, except I’m going to Bennington. If only Reed had merit aid… :)</p>

<p>I guess this is just one of <em>those</em> archetypal life experiences that everyone has to go through (but no one wants to). Given the inherent absurdity of life, and its chaos, and its randomness, it really will probably not matter in any significant way whether you went to Reed or Berkeley or Bennington. It’s more about <em>you</em>, and your ability to make great things happen whereever you go.</p>

8

<p>^janerik, did you receive your FedEx package already? I’m sorry if they didn’t meet your need, but I hear Bennington is a special place as well.</p>

9

<p>I got it today Paradox, they gave me 4k in loans :D</p>

10

<p>It seems to me that your first sentence may just be a little dubious.</p>

<p>It is lamentable that in your inability to attend, you elevate Reed to a state of sugar-infused yummy goodness. And candy tends to be rather sticky, and not easily rid of. But do realize that Reed is just a college and try not to get too lost in your idolization. Maybe delude yourself into a Berkeley rejection to sweeten it up.</p>

<p>Don’t forget that Reed isn’t the exclusive location of these so-called “persons”; serendipity does, in fact, exist outside of Portland.</p>

<p>And lastly, everyone knows that Harrison has nothing on Lennon/McCartney’s “A Day in the Life”.</p>

11

<p>janerik, they’re offering FOUR THOUSAND in loans for freshman year? That’s ridiculous! I thought it was capped at 1500 for freshman year and increased by 1000 each subsequent year. While I don’t agree with the concept of merit aid for a college like Reed, if this is what Financial Aid has come down to, it’s extremely sad.</p>

12

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<p>“Here Comes the Sun” > “A Day in the Life” for a little harmless acoustic fun. I do love Lennon the best though.</p>

13

<p>I find much of what I said dubious. Straightforward, but a bad place to be. You’ll find, if we keep doing this, that I think in stages. This is was not a great one to be in, no, but I had to go through it to get logical again. (It got me to write something, too - I enjoyed my neverland metaphor, but it’s time to throw that off if I want to have any chance of seeing this place for what it is instead of what I hope it is.)</p>

<p>I hope I didn’t implicitly insult every other college in existence. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve assured friends that they’ll enjoy their time anywhere, which is why I find this so funny, that I fell into the same trap. I know I will have fun at Berkeley, and see things as long as I keep myself motivated. It’s just that Reed broadcasts this as one of their main points, and make sure you know you’ll be growing there. That has stuck with me for emotional reasons more than anything else, it’s true. But it doesn’t change the potential of the place.</p>

<p>I think Here Comes the Sun is a lot more, accessible? I love A Day in the Life just as much, but I won’t be able to recreate it with a guitar. At least not without some major ingenuity.</p>

14

<p>Hey rimag,
I’ve been reading your postings, and let me say I’m really sorry that you can’t go to Reed, but at least you’re going somewhere right? I know that’ not much of a consolation, but think of the thousands of people who didn’t get in anywhere at all. Anyways, I’m just curious as to what your intended major is? Berkeley has some great performing arts programs if that’s your deal.
P.S. I’m with you on “A Day In The Life,” it would be incredibly difficult to recreate on the guitar, and I think it would probably just sound crowded anyways.</p>

15

<p>I admit to throwing a bit of a tantrum up there. Wherever I go, I’ll enjoy it - though I might have to make myself, a bit. I’m quite lucky to be in the situation I’m in, I know. What that was, was me getting out all the blown up ideals I attribute to Reed - and a little bit of hoping someone would swoop in to make it all better. That didn’t happen, I’ve done more research, and now I really know what I’m turning down, if I turn it down.</p>

<p>My only wish now is to have been able to visit the place, but there’s no time now. I’m sure I’ll find a niche in the UCs. And Reed does have a graduate school - there will be a lot of options whenever that comes, but it’ll be one too.</p>

<p>I have been telling everyone it’s Physics. I thought it was, but I’ve never been very decisive about this, and I hope a little I won’t ever really shut anything out. I do know that I enjoy thinking - that leads into a lot of writing and some drawing, plus philosophy and a little bit of psychology. Physics is another form of thinking - I just don’t get to do much of the thinking, so I honestly don’t know if I could do it forever. Also I’m teaching myself guitar, and hope to do piano next…so essentially I have no idea what I can actually do to live off of, but I sure feel like I do a lot. Let’s just go with English, and a hopeful minor in Philosophy.</p>