I feel bad, realy realy bad

Parents Forum
61

<p>The matters of rank, prestige, affordability, and what Dad II is or is not willing to pay for his D to attend her college list aside...
His daughter is a high achieving and performing student both in and out of school.</p>

<p>It is my observation, (having been involved in the college app. process for the last 10+ years) that these students can and do reach a saturation point, they have written numerous essays, filled in multiple applications. At some point, they reach the conclusion that this is who/what they are and the colleges can take them or leave them. They have given everything they have. They still are under pressure to keep grades up, prepare for finals and AP exams and meet EC obligations. They are human and they get tired....just like us. They just want to get to the end of it and have the chance to enjoy the fun of end of senior year activities. I suspect that Dad II's D will get those essays done, perhaps not to her father's standards, but completed none-the-less. She already is in a very good place with an acceptance to an excellent State U, honors college, merit money and it is affordable by the family's budget and income. This alone and on its own merit should be celebrated. We can only hope that every student with a college application in the game will be so fortunate at the end of the process.</p>

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<p>So here I am, at home on a Saturday and sitting on the computer while struggling to sort through numerous applications, forms, and essays. This is after I have already completed 9 college applications and 5 other scholarships; not to mention fulfilling the demanding requirements of my IB classes and daily swim team practices. I won't elaborate further on how I sacrificed most of my social life/sleep for the sake of the SAT/ACT in the past year.</p>

<p>And so I click on this thread, and what do I see? Wow, what a surprise! A father says his daughter isn't aggressively pursuing scholarship applications after he has repeatedly prodded her to do so? What a mystery!</p>

<p>It's hard to grasp how overwhelming and chaotic the college process can be until you are fully submerged in demands and requirements. So I really don't think your daughter is to blame for spending time at a hs fair instead of sitting at home and typing essays. Personally, I am about ready to gather all of my college papers into one big pile and burn them. But I know I can't do that because my mother would be quite upset. You should be grateful that your daughter has chosen not to burn her papers and instead does what she enjoys most, which is helping others.</p>

<p>Cut her some slack. Parents should be there to make the process easier, or else seventeen and eighteen year olds across the nation are all going to die of heart failure in their 30s.</p>

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<p>Curmudgeon, thank you for finding that post & putting it on this thread. I thought I remembered DadII saying that. </p>

<p>DadII, your D's stats are awesome!! I can't even fathom how anyone can consider a 34 ACT an unacceptable score. She sound like a very well-rounded, intelligent, wonderful young woman. Why can't you see this?!</p>

<p>"I will refuse to pay for state U is the same reason she refuse to prepare for her test. I want to do what I felt like doing. Why should I work extra hard to compensate her lack of effort?" Umm ... because you are the ADULT, and she is the teenager. You need to be the grown up & not play games. I understand your impatience with her for not preparing as you feel she should. I went through that with my own D last year. However, I would never have considered doing any less than I COULD for her. She knew that we had X amount for school, and anything over & above that would be her responsibility (merit aid or loans ... or she could decide that a particular school was not worth the cost to her). She ended up getting some really awesome merit scholarships, with stats similar to your D's. Of course, if a school is need-only, that isn't an option. If her schools offer merit aid, though, I can't imagine your D won't get scholarship offers. The full tuition offers are not exactly a dime a dozen ... but the $15k per year offers are pretty plentiful at top schools. You need to understand that many of those are offered without any need for your D to do anything more than apply. Meaning: you don't know that she won't be rewarded in terms of merit scholarships.</p>

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<p>Dad II, there has been some good advice above, interspersed with some bewilderment that you would tell your daughter that she might be flipping burgers--I'm assuming that is the part you feel bad about, correct?</p>

<p>Make peace with your daughter. Go out for a meal together and have a nice, respectful talk. Then go to a movie or something. Be friends. </p>

<p>And really, settle down. Try to enjoy something of her last year at home as a pre-college student. </p>

<p>I have to agree with many posters that you are not showing appropriate respect for her out of class interests.</p>

65

<p>Am I the only one that smells a troll? Dad II's threads read like a "Best of Crazy Asian Parents" compilation. He waxes and wanes, sometimes he seems to be "getting it" and then he reverts to his old ways. Reminds me of playing a fish.</p>

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<p>DadII: You do need to get a grip. You are wrong to berate your D for attending a h.s. fair and helping out instead of sitting at home at the computer preparing for a scholarship competition a week away. I don't think you understand that this choice is not just about doing community service, it's about being with friends and having some laughs (while helping out) with other teens, something she probably absolutely needs for her mental health in what must be an otherwise very stress-filled life. Give her a break, for pete's sake.</p>

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<p>entomom - I think you nailed it. Go back and look at some of the other threads begun by DadII - they are always meant to elicit a reaction. It seems to work, since he certainly achieves that. I can't wait to see what the next thread is going to be - it is almost like reading a book - with each chapter better than the last. The more intense the reaction, the more new threads. Cur I am surprised you fell for it.</p>

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<p>O.K., I'm done with this thread....with so much good advice if Dad II doesn't listen now he never will.....</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Am I the only one that smells a troll? Dad II's threads read like a "Best of Crazy Asian Parents" compilation.

[/quote]

I think your comment is completely racist and insulting to Asians. If other posters are a little off here, should we identify her/his race or culture ?
Substitute Asian with Jewish, WASP, Black and how does it sound to you and others?</p>

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<p>I don't believe he is a troll. He actually sounds like a first generation Chinese dad. A bit of background:</p>

<p>Most Chinese (proabably Asians) do not discuss family fianancial situation with their kids. To keep their position and dignity in the family, they would tell their kids, "your job is to study hard. If you get into a good school, we would pay for it. You don't need to worry about it." The flip side is, if you do not get into a good school, we won't pay for it. That's why Dad II's daughter has such a short, exclusive list. She does not quite believe her dad won't be able to pay for an Ivy education if she should get int.</p>

<p>So many people applauded Dad II's post:</p>

<p>"On our drive home, I told my DW, we should be really proud of our kids. We may not think Honor at a well known State U is a big thing. To probably a high percentage of american families, it may be really huge. It is all about expectations. At the end of the day, a solid education from a good state U is more than just enough for a good living in US."</p>

<p>My interpretation - It is no big deal to get into State U honor program. It may be good enough for some other "American families", but certainly not good enough for them. </p>

<p>I could be wrong, at least I hope I am.</p>

71

<p>Did anyone read The Overachievers? Dad II sounds like "AP Frank"s mom...</p>

72

<p>Dad, I'm going to be supportive unlike many of the posters here.</p>

<p>I think you are entitled to your feelings. Many of us who have bright kids who do well in school sort of drift through 7th and 8th grade thinking that by HS the kids are going to be Intel finalists and work as researchers at Rockefeller discovering a cancer vaccine or playing the cello at Carnegie Hall instead of going to their dopey senior prom.</p>

<p>And what do we get? The hormones kick in, the compliant, smart middle schoolers become adolescents and instead of doing what we know they'd be capable of doing, they do what THEY want to do.... which in your daughter's case involves a lot of HS activities and community stuff, which at least is not anti-social behavior, but for a lot of us has involved online poker or computer gaming or drugs or drinking or whatever.</p>

<p>So- my heart goes out to you. You have now joined the club that many of us belong to, which is that of parents who realize that their kid is going to succeed or fail on their own terms, not yours. I've got a friend whose kid graduated from Yale (magna cum laude) and wants to be a nursery school teacher; her year one salary once she gets "certified" will be less than her R&B for one year at Yale; she could forgoe certification but then she'd be part time earning minimum wage with no health insurance. Another whose kid might well have ended up at Yale but drug rehab took all the money they had carefully saved for college so he's at community college and living at home (but he's clean, thank god, and may reach his 22 birthday which was not an expected outcome when in the throes of his addiction.)</p>

<p>So you see there are many ways that kids abandon our dreams for them and end up with other dreams, or with half dreams, or with unfulfilled promise, or whatever. Your job of pushing and prodding and orchestrating and all that good stuff that got her where she is, has ended. Your new job is to be coach and to encourage her to explore what she wants out of life, to help keep her moral boundaries intact while she does that, and to provide whatever assistance, be it practical, financial, or some times just lugging the futon and bookcase from shabby apartment to the next shabby apartment.</p>

<p>She's got another 10 years or so until she's fully baked. If you persist in being the parent of an 8th grader you will miss all the nice parts of the next 10 years, not to mention, not being available to her for the help and guidance she'll still want from you.</p>

<p>And the money? That's your decision. I know plenty of adults who took 7 or 8 years to get a BA since either the parents didn't have or weren't willing to pay for college. I think paying as you go is an honorable way for a kid with limited resources to get an education. I think it can be a growing experience for a kid whose parents have the money but you have to know the kid- some have left home without looking back; some have a cordial but not close relationship with their parents, and some have a decent relationship with the parents but have horrible relationships with the other siblings and various other family members who they blame for their predicament.</p>

<p>So- you either take the money you've saved and help your daughter finance the education of whichever school she chooses, making it clear the limits of your largesse, or you keep the money and watch her flip burgers for a while until she figures it out. But don't make her responsible for the financial decisions you made in life.</p>

<p>You are the grownup here; don't look to her to be setting the boundaries on your behavior.</p>

73

<p>cbreeze,
First of all, I am Asian. Second, haven't you read the many threads by Asian students about their parents??? And that was the point, he is writing these threads with that stereotype in mind, so that all of the good posters on CC can show him the light.</p>

<p>There is no way that I can prove that he is a troll, either to myself or anyone else. All I'm trying to say is that the pattern is suspect.</p>

74

<p>Me thinks DAD II has left the thread - uuummm</p>

75

<p>DadII, I do not personally know you or really anything about you but your posts, so please understand I'm commenting on your posts, and only guessing what is behind them. </p>

<p>My take is that either a) you are posting nonsense on this board, just to get a reaction b) you are revealing significant emotional instability and neuroses (enough to warrant seeking professional help). </p>

<p>If the former, please stop posting and exploiting the goodwill of generous people on this board who have repeatedly taken the time to help you. Get a life and stop being an ass. </p>

<p>If the latter, please seek out a professional therapist: for the sake of your own health, the well-being of your children, and your relationship with them.</p>

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<p>entomom and others, I entirely agree with you. DII = troll. Oldfort, I happen to know quite a few Asian families, crazy and not so crazy. As you say, dignity is fundamental, and while they might well be overachieving parents at home, they would NEVER post what DII has been posting in his different threads, even anonymously.</p>

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<p>I appreciate curmudgeon's contribution, don't think DadII is a troll, recognize sincere bewilderment at different systems than the home country (my parents were first generation and i knew my grandparents well). My S attends school with many high achieving kids whose parents come from around the globe. I think there's a healthy chance to vent frustration here, although DadII might be wearing some out, but not others. The parents get frustrated over many things, including when a chemistry star decides to be in a play and "waste time" but it does work out fine academically for those great achieving kids. I don't know the details about finances in their homes, of course. There are battles between the students and their dads, in particular. It sounds tough on everyone.</p>

<p>My only real concern on this evening is that the Dad not have a heart attack.
Truly, I'm concerned for his health. Please calm down. None of this is worth a medical event. </p>

<p>Fact is, it's less traumatic for his D if he vents HERE than to her. So if it's a support group, be a support group. That includes giving a reality check, as curm and bethivt do. But also...please calm down and stay safe medically. I don't know that you have medical issues but really I know people who get so upset they cause stress, which takes years off a life. Not worth it. She's a good girl and you know it. It's scary because it's a strange competition based on nuances that arent' measaurable, such as EC participation in Key Club.
But that's this country. We're kind of softies but we get there somehow, too.</p>

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<p>The above quote is from one of Dad II's posts in his thread about his son who had gotten a B...ONE B. Enough said about this poster's ethnic background. He said it himself. There are also posts on that thread about his brother's daughter getting accepted to Stanford for her PhD on a full scholarship. Clearly, there are high family expectations. The problem I have is that these two kids are meeting very HIGH expectations and their father is not celebrating those achievements. He only seems to be able to comment on the small things that don't seem to meet HIS high standards. And btw...I do not think this is a troll. When he first started posting, he was asking very sensible questions about the NMSF status at Ohio State. He has only digressed recently. My gut feeling is that this daughter did NOT have a very balanced list...that it is quite top heavy, with Ohio State as the only school that is not highly competitive. My guess is that this fellow is in a panic. What will happen if she only gets accepted at OSU? What will he tell his brother? How will HE be able to explain all of this? </p>

<p>Like I said in an earlier post...if finances are a REAL issue, there are plenty of schools who are still accepting applications. Oh...and just for the record, Ohio State is only one of the many fine public universities in Ohio. Even within the state, there are many fine and affordable public options.</p>

<p>But of course, they don't have the "prestige". And sadly that seems to be taking the priority here.</p>

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<p>Curious about the State U - It seems that DADII insisted an application go to State U - but now would refuse to finance it - no matter what the reasons - that does not make any sense at all.</p>

<p>I pretty much just see a parent that is not satisfied at all - no matter what the DD does/accomplishes - he wants perfection - and anything less than that is not accpetable.</p>

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<p>I think the waiting game is killing DadII. He admitted in one of his post. I can sympathize with DadII, 4 long months.</p>