<p>Good post mythmom. I’m glad your S is back on track. I’m not sure what I would do in a similar situation. But, for the OP, if you provide a car for your daughter to drive off campus, it can lead to such consequences. To me, you should “go away” to school. Providing a car makes it too easy not to.</p>
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<p>This was my thought when I read the original post…sounds like an obsession.</p>
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<p>Financial blackmail may get you what you want in the short term. But in the long-term, it may permanently damage your relationship with your daughter.</p>
<p>Preventing your daughter from driving home may not end this relationship. Evidently, the boyfriend’s family does not disapprove of the relationship – they don’t seem to object to her staying at his house. They may not prevent him from visiting her at college. Or she might find a way to come home by mass transit. And the relationship might survive even if they only saw each other during scheduled college breaks.</p>
<p>In the meantime, she will resent you for interfering with her life – and that may not go away.</p>
<p>I also wonder why you are so convinced that a two-year age gap dooms this relationship. It’s not all that unusual for young people two years apart in age to date each other, and in this instance, since she is the older one, you don’t have to be concerned that she is being pressured into more sexual activity than she would be comfortable with.</p>
<p>I think 650 texts a day is not at all normal. Assuming she’s sleeping about 8 hours, that means she’s texting 40 times an hour for the remaining 16 hours of the day.
As a parent, that would worry me in terms of whether she is paying attention in class, whether she is studying, or taking care of herself.</p>
<p>Lying is common when young adults don’t think they can be honest with their parents about what is really going on. I don’t know if your d is lying for the expedient reason that she doesn’t want to face the full consequences of her actions (i.e., dealing with you :)), or if she’s lying because she recognizes that her actions are (potentially) seriously harmful but doesn’t want to face that reality, or if she feels she can’t tell you who she really is. She is a young adult, and college is a great opportunity; of course you’re upset and worried that she’s being dishonest with you and possibly jeopardizing her future.</p>
<p>I’d write her a letter - a brief one. I’ve done this with my kids during times of crisis, and while it doesn’t usually result in a miraculous transformation ;), it does get the kid’s attention and allow me to state my case. I’d make it brief (one page) and I’d focus on the lying and the time and effort spent away from this expensive new opportunity (college). I’d leave the boyfriend out of it because, even though he isn’t a good choice for her, you can’t convince anyone that he/she loves the wrong person.</p>
<p>I’d tell her that the lying has really hurt you and destroyed the trust you had in her. I’d tell her that she has to be on some form of reliable birth control and that, because of the lying, I’d need to be convinced that she is (evidence of prescription or clinic appointment). I’d say that not because I think that all parents should supervise this for college-aged children, but because an unintended pregnancy has devastating consequences and this student seems to lack the maturity to make bc a priority herself.</p>
<p>And I would impose financial consequences. You aren’t obligated to pay for her texting or her car insurance. Because she’s lied to you at a time when you need to be able to trust her, I’d tell her that you can’t enable her to continue to make bad decisions - and not making her life at college a top priority is a bad decision. She can still make bad decisions, of course, but you don’t need make them financially possible.</p>
<p>Did she receive some kind of exemption to have a car on campus as a freshman? Most colleges won’t allow it unless the student has an off-campus job. Also, you mention that the grandma gave her the car; is your d the legal owner, or is it hers unofficially?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about the younger boyfriend. Obviously there is something about him that makes your daughter happy. The relationship will end (or not) on its own…your interfering won’t change much. I wouldn’t worry about the texting- yes, it’s excessive, but not at all unusual. If she has an unlimited plan, then don’t look at how many texts she is sending. That’s how they communicate these days. I can count the number of times I heard my daughter make or answer an actual phone call on one hand.</p>
<p>The car? yes, that one I agree should be taken away unless she pays the insurance and maintenance. A freshman having a car is a very bad idea, because of the drinking and chauffeuring duties that may entail. </p>
<p>If you feel you don’t know your freshman daughter, I felt the same way last year when mine was a freshman and she went a little wild. There were some difficult, scary moments and behavior I wasn’t expecting. My husband kept assuring me she was perfectly normal, and to step back. So I have. I have stopped Facebook-stalking and checking the phone bill and decided to trust her, because she actually did fine in her classes. I think they want to be treated as adults, which means letting them make decisions and/or mistakes, even when we can see the mistakes coming a mile away. None of this behavior is life-threatening.</p>
<p>You raised her, but it’s her life now. However, you don’t have to subsidize behavior that you know is self-destructive or wrong-headed.</p>
<p>MythMom makes some good points. Here’s a few things to consider. If her boyfriend is only a junior in HS he is likely seeing a decline in his schoolwork as well. Is HE planning on college in the future? I can’t imagine his studies are going strong, which could potentially derail any possible future plans he has…that would be a shame. Is your daughter aware that she may be hurting his chances to go to the college of his dreams? Are you in contact with his parents? Are they aware that he may be botching up his GPA? </p>
<p>Also, if she/he are possibly sex-ting you may want to inform your daughter of the dangers that some teens have found themselves in…especially if HE is under the age of consent. Authorities are sometimes taking these cases very seriously…look at all the headlines!</p>
<p>Is your daughter’s school a residential school for the most part? I can see the sneaking home if it is a primarily commuter campus, but if there are football games, activities on the weekends, dorm parties and the like, she is really shutting herself off from what makes college such a fun experience. Does her school do sorority rush? Did she miss it already? I insisted that my daughter (who was hesitant) go through rush, just to experience it, to have the chance to meet some girls. I told her I didn’t care if she passed on the whole thing after she went through the process…I just wanted her to have the opportunity to have an instant community on campus (which happens to have a good deal of commuter students). She enjoyed it and joined a house and is very happily involved…all positive things for her future job and/or grad school opportunities. Your daughter needs something similar…something that compels her to stay on campus and be involved.</p>
<p>Lastly, IF things do not improve and her grades come in less than stellar. I would be prepared to write up a contract with Dad with the conditions she must uphold IF she is to stay at this school for the following semester. Suggestions would include ‘no car’, ‘no texting’ and keeping GPA at a certain level. Repercussions could include immediately enrolling full time at local community college, using car for school and/or job only, paying a portion of rent, doing volunteer work. We’ve done this and it brought our party girl up to the Dean’s List by the end of the year. These ‘kids’ need to realize that IF you are supporting them financially in any way, they are not autonomous adults who can do whatever they please. Your job as parent has not ended because she is away at college. Until she is paying all her bills you still have a say in what is going on. God forbid she should throw away her college education for a 16 year old ‘boy’. Good Luck Dear, I’m pulling for you!</p>
<p>“Is it legal for her (as an adult) to be dating a minor?”</p>
<p>I think in most states the age of consent is 16 (at least it is in Michigan). Beyond that, no reason why she couldn’t.</p>
<p>I’d be most concerned about the texting. 600 a day is not a good sign…when is she studying? Is she texting when she should be paying attention in class? The boyfriend and the car to me are secondary as long as she is an experienced driver and if the boyfriend is acceptable. I’d start with the texting and go from there. If you are paying for the cell phone you can give fair warning and then go from there. The texting could potentially interfere with the primary reason she is at college. What she does on the weekends to me is the secondary concern.</p>
<p>[Can</a> Statutory Rape Laws Be Effective in Preventing Adolescent Pregnancy?](<a href=“http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/2903097.html]Can”>Can Statutory Rape Laws Be Effective in Preventing Adolescent Pregnancy? | Guttmacher Institute)</p>
<p>There seem to be few states where sexual activity between an 18-year-old and a 16-year-old is considered a serious problem.</p>
<p>When my daughter was involved in excessive texting she was in trouble. There is no way a person can text that much and be living in the moment. Her classes are suffering and so is the quality of her work and studying. Could you do anything about it? Let me know because nothing I said or did worked and I was always reluctant to cut off the service. At one point I did cut off her service and she went without a phone for some time. You have to decide what it is that you are hoping to accomplish. It sounds to me that you are just worried and the lies and texting have you wondering if there is more going on with her. Most times there is nothing more than what you find out and the bottom line is that she will not do things differently unless she wants to. Parents could all but beg but a kid is going to do what they want until they grow up and realize that adults take advice and children don’t.</p>
<p>I don’t think you should get into any discussion about the boyfriend. You can’t stop that relationship and should not discuss that issue with her. </p>
<p>The issues you have a right to discuss are her lying, leaving school every weekend, and number of text messages. </p>
<p>For the text messages, 650 is over the top per day. I have two girls and no way do they do that many texts per day. Yes, college kids text a lot but should be busy enough to not have time to do 650 texts per day. So, come up with a number that you think is the maximum reasonable amount per day…200? Whatever number. Then, say that if she goes over that number of texts per day she needs to pay X amount toward the phone bill for that month. Then the choice becomes hers if she wants to fund that excessive use of the phone and she may not wish to spend the money. You should have a limit of what you will fund and also this may help her to control the excessive text messaging, which definitely is affecting her college life. </p>
<p>Then, frankly, a freshman should not have a car at college and many colleges do not allow it. But you could say that due to her lying about using the car to travel home on weekends without your knowledge and due to the fact that you want her to make better use of getting involved in college life and do not wish for her to leave EVERY weekend (do not prohibit visits to boyfriend though), you are either: taking the car back home for the remainder of the semester or freshman year OR another option may be that she pays for insurance and maintenance. Make this about her lying about the use of the car which is a privilege and also about leaving campus every weekend and not doing what is needed to get acclimated to campus life for a freshmen and you are paying for college, after all. But leave all discussion of boyfriend out of it. </p>
<p>The issues are more about her not truly getting involved in her new life at college, her lying to you, her excessive use of text messaging and her excessive use of a car to leave college too often as a freshman. The boyfriend is not really something you should have a say in and will only cause more of a riff and more lying. The other stuff are legitimate concerns. A phone, car, and college are all privileges and are all things you are paying for in part or whole.</p>
<p>If the car was given to her–which I assume means the title is in her name–I don’t see how you can take it away.</p>
<p>On the other hand, since she lives on campus there is no actual need for her to have a car, so I would have no problem refusing to pay for any of the expenses associated with it. (I admit that I am highly prejudiced against college freshmen having cars unless they are commuter students.) But lowering the boom because you are displeased with her behavior without having made a specific deal in advance (such as terms of use, maintaining a certain GPA, etc.) isn’t terribly fair and may not be productive, especially since you were apparently willing to let her have a car at school and subsidize it in the first place. I would suggest either a) discussing with her the terms under which you will continue to subsidize the car (GPA, etc), or b) informing her now that after this semester, the costs associated with the car will be her responsibility, no matter what. That means that she can begin to save $$ towards the insurance and a repair fund. Or not, in which case the car will eventually become undriveable. </p>
<p>I really think that 650 texts per day is way outside the bounds of normal, and smacks of addictive/obsessive behavior. If you are paying for the phone plan, I would immediately eliminate ALL texting on it. Don’t go down the road of attempting to make her pay for it: ultimately, you will end up paying the bill and fighting with her about her share. If she wants to text, she will have to get a new plan for herself, and pay for it from the get-go. I wouldn’t continue to enable this texting any more than I would arrange for a liquor store to deliver booze to her dorm room.</p>
<p>I agree with SoozieVT that you should stay away from the relationship, unless of course she is actually doing something illegal, in which case she should be warned. I think that the relationship will collapse on its own.</p>
<p>Harder to control her texting than it is to control the car. I agree-- don’t see the benefit to her having a car as a freshman. That should be a privilege (which is being abused) not a right. I think the car should be in your driveway right now, not at school. Even if it was a gift from grandparents, whose name is the car in? And if you pay the insurance and gas and maintenance you do get a right to say something. I’d take the car away before cutting off the phone access. I’d also consider talking to the bf’s parents. HE’s still in HS- they have greater control over him/his activities and his need to focus on his academics. JMO</p>
<p>**Cross posted with consolation</p>
<p>I don’t see how you can eliminate all texting as texting is a form of communication for college kids. But there should be a limit to the amount you are willing to fund. She wants to text more than that, she has to pay toward the phone plan. If you feel you’d have a problem collecting that money from her and that doesn’t work, then take her off your phone plan and have her purchase her own phone plan. But you are only willing to pay phone service that includes X number of texts per day.</p>
<p>Consolation has a point about with the car, there was no prior agreement or warning from the parents and so may be pulling the car without warning may not be fair. But a new agreement needs to be put in place…no more lying (if she lies, the car comes home for the rest of the semester). She must tell you when she travels off campus (on a trip, not about town). Agreement is she can only leave campus one weekend per month so that she gets involved in the college you are paying for her to attend. If she leaves more weekends per month with the car, the car comes home. If the car is in her name, perhaps then the consequence is she pays all insurance and maintenance on it if she breaks this agreement about use of the car and/or if she lies.</p>
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<p>Unless this young woman can pay for her insurance and matience starting today, the car is undrivable. Although I can see the point of having a conversation and going over the rules one more time. I would not feel obligated to do that.</p>
<p>I absolutely agree about staying off the topic of the boyfriend. It really doesn’t matter why she is lying, the point is that she is behaving like a child about a very adult thing. </p>
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<p>How in the world is it financial blackmail to decline to continue to offer a gift? A gift that is being abused, I might add. </p>
<p>When I turned 18, I was legally an adult and free to do whatever I wished to do so long as I supported myself. If I wanted my parents financial assitance, then I had to abide by some reasonable rules. It was the same for my husband and so it is with our son.</p>
<p>My husband followed those rules and his parents helped support him until he was able to secure full time employment. I did not follow the rules and my parents cut me off finacially. I was furious at the time because I was a brat in an adult’s body. One of the best things my parents ever did was give me the wake-up call that no one owes me anything. </p>
<p>We’ve been very clear with our son; our love is unconditional, our continued financial support is not. </p>
<p>This sense of entitlement to other people’s money, including a young adult to their parent’s money, is truly baffling to me.</p>
<p>I agree with pugmadkate that for things a parent is funding (college, car expenses, phone, etc), the parent has a say. These are privileges. If the kid wants to pay for these things, a parent has no say.</p>
<p>I don’t think a parent should have a say in who the kid is dating, however. It is also advisable to not give any strong opinions about that either.</p>
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<p>I don’t consider a parent paying a student’s college expenses, in the amount that they are reasonably able to pay, to be a gift. It has become an expectation. That’s why the financial aid people talk about an “expected family contribution.”</p>
<p>momma-three, I’m curious, why didn’t you get her a phone with no texting? Or just cut the texting out of the plan you already had? Am I showing my age and it’s just not possible to get cel phone coverage now without texting included?</p>
<p>Marian, I agree that college is not a gift and is a parent’s responsibility but the parent is still paying for it and it is a privilege of sorts. For example, I would not want to be paying dorm and meal plans and tuition for a kid who is not spending any weekends at the college. It has nothing to do with a gift but has to do with my having some say in something I am paying for that is being wasted.</p>