<p>OP- I’ve lived your battle for the past 4 years of High School with my daughter. It’s hard to sit and watch them make mistakes that you can see clearly but they can’t. What I can tell you is all the screaming, pleading, removal of privaleges, bargaining, surveilance, it doesn’t make one iota of difference. Your daughter sounds much the same as mine in that if she wants to do something she will. </p>
<p>At the end of the day no matter how hard it is for you, she will need to go through these experiences herself and make these mistakes before she can learn from them. What I have discovered is that my tolerance for daughter screwing up is a lot lower than her tolerance…but she’s at college and part of going to college is to learn how to take responsibility for one’s actions. They are new to all of this and it is going to take them longer to recognise when there is a problem but as you can see yourself, nothing you’ve done up to this point has altered how she behaves (except she just hides it from you).</p>
<p>I’m learning that I have to control my own anxiety about my daughter. It’s hard but better for her to learn these lessons now then in 4 years time when she’s out in the world a bit further. </p>
<p>I’ve also learned that my anxiety increases the more I know. So if the txts bother you, then have her get her own plan then you won’t need to know how much she’s txting. If you don’t want to know if she’s coming home at the weekend, don’t ask. In this case ignorance is bliss.</p>
<p>So, if you want an ear to listen to the anxious moments, PM me. We can be anxious together…</p>
<p>I really don’t understand the problem, other than the texts. Lots of kids have trouble adjusting to the first semester of college, and leaving home, and it seems as if the boyfriend is a transitional family for her, one that allows her to leave but also stay connected to home. Why not support the relationship? (And as I may have said before, many of my daughter’s friends at college are still dating their BF or GF from high school; one of her roommates’ high school BF spends every weekend in their suite, and they are juniors).</p>
<p>Some kids this age have real problems: medical, psychiatric, economic. Rleatively speaking, this family is fortunate. The girl is in college, presumably doing some work (time will tell), has a relationship she values (for now) and will begin settling in soon. The lying and sneaking comes from the fact that she needs the boy, and the parents want to deprive her of the contact she needs. Let her figure out that it won’t work, herself.</p>
<p>If she is flunking her classes because of the texting, then that can be dealt with, but that is not the case now, and I think it would help more to express support and faith in her.</p>
<p>Dropping the part-time job is a good idea. Some schools don’t even allow freshmen to do work-study. Getting involved with people and activities on campus seems more important for many students than making the small amount of money a part-time job can bring, unless, of course, there are serious financial pressures on the family and every penny helps.</p>
<p>to Blossom; We’ve had the discussions about the excessive cell usage a few times, but because we already took the car away I wanted to slow down & give her the opportunity to make some changes instead of taking everything away at once. If things continue it will definately be the next step. I already ordered AT&T’s SMART LIMITS. This feature will allow me to set monthly limits on the text messages. If she can’t handle that then she can go get & pay for her own phone. She can’t afford it though, especially without a job.</p>
<p>As I have mentioned earlier on the thread, I don’t think having the BF is the issue and I would not have addressed that with her as that is her choice and it is pretty common and just let it play itself out. I would address lying however. I would address leaving college every single weekend (taking the car supposedly addressed that but sounds like she had another way to get back home). And the excessive texting (even without a BF) is worth addressing and limiting as it just is not healthy at that amount as it HAS to be taking away from other things. </p>
<p>I think it is really great that she recognizes some of this to be problematic and is willing to talk to a counselor. She just may be having trouble adjusting to this new life and this is a good step for her. I’d really support her on that and tell her that you are proud that she is addressing these things.</p>
<p>ls4218, thank you for coming back to share an update. I have been thinking about you. It is sounds like your time together and talks have been a good development. It is a positive sign that your daughter recognizes she has issues and says she is pursuing counseling. She clearly sees you care and love her unconditionally, even when you don’t support all of her behaviors, and that’s really the most important thing we can do for our kids. Hang in there.</p>
<p>soozievt, thanks for sharing that study! I confess, as soon as I read it, I made a beeline for our most recent bill. My very social HS senior boy texted 2627 times last month. I was shocked by that figure, but apparently, he is “below average.”</p>
<p>Original Poster**<em>Update on my Daughter</em> A lot has changed since my last post
My D broke up with her boyfriend about 3 wks ago. She said they were figting a lot (about everything). We took the car away, so that forced her to spend more time on campus & get to know people. She has gotten really close with her 8 other dormmates.
She is meeting lots of new people on campus as well. She has even cut her cell usage down quite a bit! She told me she didn’t realize how unhappy she was when she was with her BF. She said she is really HAPPY again. We got to visit with her this past weekend & had a great time hearing all her stories about campus life.
It was tough sitting back watching my daughter make choices I didn’t agree with.
I had to be patient, but firm & let her make these choices on her own.
I think she’s learned a lot from the last couple months. I know I sure have!</p>
<p>so nice of you to update us Is4213…I am sure we all sometimes forget how murky the years 18-23 can be in terms of lonely factors, disappointments and searching out friendships that have staying power. Getting into college is easier than growing up. Glad you feel she is now focusing her energies on her campus and her peers…that is all you can ask and part of the blessings of four years of delayed adulthood that a college campus can provide in some respects. College is a privilege compared to paying your way in life and I am glad you feel she is going to be able to enjoy her privileged years more fully now. Hey…boys are sooo delayed in some respects for dating that I feel sorry for so many great girls I see who never get to date in high school (I have two sons who barely spent time with girls till college). Glad she is focusing more on the kids at college now.
take care!</p>
<p>ls4218, hip hip hooray! What a great way for this situation to resolve. It says so much about the way you handled things and also about your daughter. I am so happy for all of you! Thanks for sharing your news.</p>
<p>Great to hear. As painful as it is for us as parents, our kids learn more when they go through it and make the decisions for themselves. I’m sure your daughter will have a great rest of the year!</p>
