<p>Well, I think we have officially jumped the shark on this thread.</p>
<p>Jumping the shark on only page 19? CC parents are getting more efficient…</p>
<p>Well, there’s chapter two…the meeting with D and follow up…stay tuned…</p>
<p>Now they have 191 in tier 1</p>
<p>I think the number is closer to 200. I think there are several tied for 191.</p>
<p>I never saw what USNews’ reason for the change. </p>
<p>*Well, there’s chapter two…the meeting with D and follow up…stay tuned… *</p>
<p>Yes…it will be interesting to hear how the weekend goes. I think the girl needs to transfer to a college that isn’t a commuter school. What’s the point of paying room and board with Plus Loans at a commuter school???</p>
<p>With regards to USNWR,I always thought “tier 1” was colloquially considered to be the top 50, and “tier 2” was considered to be the remaining 140-ish before tier 3, no?</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>That was the past system…now it’s changed.</p>
<p>Having 191-200 schools in tier 1 and the rest of their list in tier 2 is ridiculous. Its like having 50 Miss Americas and 500 runners up. Meaningless. Washes out the differences (if there ever were any in the US News list)</p>
<p>I’m about to go to work so I don’t have time to read the entire thread yet. I am sure most of the advice is good so far although some will say relax and other the exact opposite. </p>
<p>My initial reaction is simple:</p>
<p>OP stick to your guns. She might be 18 but she is still a child basically. You raised her not to lie and deceive and suddenly she is doing just that because she values her HS BF more than her principles. Oh hell no. Put your foot down and go to the mat on this one. </p>
<p>Its her life? </p>
<p>Not yet. </p>
<p>She is better with you in it fighting to keep her on the right path. </p>
<p>I don’t understand hands off parents. Yeah, I’ve heard the warnings that I will just scare off my kids. Maybe. But better that they become the kinds of kids that result from hands off parents. We have plenty of kids like that in this world and if you ask me most of them are … I’m just not say what I’m thinking. </p>
<p>Oh, and 650 texts a day. Even when in school and working. Yeah, you need to lay down the law and do what it takes to win this battle. Take away the car, bring her home from school for a session, go visit the boy and bring a little friend, such a baseball bat, with you, oh yeah honey I am old school. </p>
<p>I kid a little bit but it boils down to this. Your child has to trust that you are going to do what is best for them. When they stop listening it is time to have a serious talk with the door closed and locked. </p>
<p>Don’t listen to all the fear mongers that say that is wrong or over the top. It ain’t. It’s called loving your kids. Do what you got to do and keep us posted.</p>
<p>As it happens I have spent the last two days with S. I asked him about texting in class. He said that in large lectures some people text, but that in classes of the more normal size–say 20 or fewer students–you couldn’t get away with it even if you wanted to. He also said that the heavy texters in the lectures seem to be a small subset of girls (whom he seems to view with scorn, but that’s him). I asked him how anyone would learn anything in those lectures if texting heavily. He said, “You won’t.”</p>
<p>OP, do let us know how things go. I hope you can help your D get a grip on this situation.</p>
<p>I don’t think there have been any parents on this thread advocating a ‘hands off’ approach. There have been some students expressing that view along with their gratitude that the OP is not their parent. </p>
<p>What many of us have expressed is ‘pick your battles’ sort of strategy as to not alienate the daughter and not to throw down the gauntlet so soon in this process. </p>
<p>Lay out specific guidelines and allow her the chance to meet them before deciding she’s broken unspoken rules. The OP stated there was no clear cut boundaries or rules stated from the beginning. Who here would want their employer to sanction or the police to fine them for something which was not clearly laid out as against the rules or laws?Yet we find it ok to do that to our children?</p>
<p>From the sounds of it OP had a specific reaction and response in mind when she posted. I think she was looking for validation more than advice. Shes’ pretty much attached herself to the hard lined crowd from the get go as is her right.</p>
<p>It’s been an interesting dialogue. It will be interesting to see everything plays out.</p>
<p>For heaven’s sake, please consider the possibility that it’s really insulting to the OP’s integrity to continue to brand her as an alienator! That’s prejudging her as unable to parent with good sense. </p>
<p>I never got the idea this was a spoiled brat or a kid finally getting out from under the thumb of unreasonably strict parents. She sounds like a fairly “normal” college freshman who’s simply been enjoying her new independence a little too much–and she knows it! </p>
<p>Another poster aptly stated we’re talking about access to “toys.” Since our privileged kids were toddlers, they’ve been looking over their shoulder whenever they’ve reached into the cookie jar one too many times to see if we were watching. And we’ve all managed to figure out what works best when, in fact, we catch 'em speeding–we give them a choice between two options, we let them propose the speed limit, whatever…we involve them in the process so they do feel they’re in control of their own destiny.</p>
<p>Can we simply trust the OP will do the right thing?</p>
<p>I very much know what the OP is dealing with through first hand experience. One thing you need to realize is that the boyfriend represents home to her without it being “uncool”. Its ok to escape on the weekends to visit your boyfriend but not to run home to your parents. Your D is probably just not all that ready for the huge adjustment college is and is therefore making this relationship her top priority. When some time passes and she matures more she will be ready to settle more in to school. Trust me, I know. Give it time, all of a sudden the relationship will be on the rocks, then it will go back and forth and then it will be over. Holding your breath through it all is so so hard but you have no choice. But there is no question that this behavior will not continue past this year at the absolute longest. My D did the same thing. Now she is a sophomore, totally into school, loving it and having lots of friends. She seems so opposed to having a BF now Im almost afraid from all the drama she will back off from any potentially good relationship. But that phase will play its course as well, Im sure. Just breathe, do yoga, cry if you need to, but give it time and it will pass.</p>
<p>*Its ok to escape on the weekends to visit your boyfriend but not to run home to your parents. *</p>
<p>Part of that is because she’s at a commuter campus. That should be what changes. There’s not much going on at the school on weekends to keep her there. There isn’t much going on at a lot of commuter campuses during the week as well. I wouldn’t be taking out Plus loans for a commuter campus.</p>
<p>I thought of this thread just now because my D just flew 13 hours nonstop to the other side of the world and has called me to let me know she arrived. :D</p>
<p>Anyway, just want to wish good luck to the OP and say I am glad you are having a heart to heart with your D this weekend. In my opinion, it would be fair to lay down some ground rules about the phone plan and the use of the car and then give her a chance to comply (since there were no articulated expectations before this) and make clear what the guidelines are about these two things (and perhaps expectations to obtain a certain level of academic achievement at college) and if you feel there should be consequences, give her fair warning of what they would be. I think these couple of areas are ones you have a right to have some restrictions with (you pay toward the phone, car, and tuition). I don’t think I would start with consequences at this juncture and would give her a chance to comply with these ground rules.</p>
<p>ITechnology is addictive, as you active posters can see. I estimate that each post on College Confidential is equal to 100 texts in terms of time and effort.</p>
<p>Update on my daughter…We sat her down 2 weeks ago. We told her how dissapointed we were about the lying, sneaking around, extreme texting & just overall not really giving college a fair chance. We told her we understand she’s “in love” & obviously not thinking straight. She didn’t have a whole lot to say. She said she knew what she was doing was wrong & the reason she doesn’t tell us is because she knows we wont approve. She blamed the not getting involved at school on her pt job. We told her she left us no choice but to take the car away for now. This meant her quitting her pt job & we hoped this would give her the opportunity to have more time to get involved at school. She didn’t seem to shocked or upset. She actually seemed a little relieved. I talked with her a little bit about her relationship with her BF and how hard it would be to maintain 2 hrs away, him still being in HS & her trying to get focused on college life. She said she knows, but its so hard. She knows in her head she needs to let go because it can’t work, but she just can’t let go yet. I told her we understood & would try to be as supportive as possible, but lies & sneaking around had to stop. I drove her back to school later that day & we hung out a bit. I drove back home just hoping some of what we said sank in:)
Well by the following Friday we found out that she snuck down again 
We were just floored that she couldn’t even go one week without seeing him.
She’s also continued to text like crazy with him & has now added Calling him to the mix.
She ended our bill cycle with about 17k text for the month & 2500 talk minutes. (half of the min were nights & weekends, so luckily we haven’t incurred any extra charges)
I called her two days ago to discuss the phone bill & brought up the fact that we knew she snuck up to see him again. We talked for a little bit before she had to get to class.
She cried, I cried, I told her I was trying my hardest to be patient & understanding, but she was making it so difficult. She said she knew & that she was sorry, because everything we were saying was true.
SO for now all I can do is try & be patient & hope for the best…
She knows how we feel & we’ve explained the consequences.</p>
<p>Would she be open to going to the counseling center on campus? Sounds like she may be experiencing some anxiety and depression about attending college and using BF as crutch.</p>
<p>OP- hugs. Sounds miserable all around.</p>
<p>One thing that struck me in your update-- you haven’t actually asked your D to “own” this problem, and in fact, you are still the “owner” (i.e. you get the phone bill, you pay the phone bill, you need to make up for the cash she’s not earning at her job, etc.) and you’re the one saying, “all we can do is try & be patient and hope for the best”.</p>
<p>That’s not a good recipe. She needs to own her college experience; she needs to be the person who realizes that she can no longer afford to text and call over her minutes (if it doesn’t cost extra cash it surely has opportunity costs, i.e. all the things she’s not doing while she’s talking or texting). She needs to figure out why sneaking around to see a HS kid is preferable to either telling you she’s coming home OR making age-appropriate friends on campus.</p>
<p>This must be so painful for you. But I think there’s one more conversation left to have where you explain that you’re transferring her to her own cellphone plan and how she pays for it or how she chooses to allocate her phone usage is now her problem since you can no longer be responsible for monitoring her minutes. And that you love her and know she can make good decisions.</p>
<p>I am sorry this is such a trying situation. </p>
<p>How did she get back to your hometown if she didn’t have a car? </p>
<p>As far as the texts (wow), we had some discussion here where someone said a limit on the amount of texts could be put on a phone and if your D incurs more than the limit, she will have to pay for it. </p>
<p>It sounds like she wants help as she is admitting this is all a problem.</p>
<p>Did you set up any expectations as to her grades in order to remain in school (in case that ends up being a problem as she is away every weekend and texting round the clock)? </p>
<p>By sheer coincidence, I was going to look this thread up today to post on it because I read a news article this morning that reminded me of this thread. The article has to do with the average number of monthly texts for different age groups (one group is 13 to 17 year olds and another group is 18-24) and it talks about the extraordinary high number of texts. I immediately thought of you when I read the article because your D’s number of texts far exceeds the average and the author talks about the average as already an astounding number. That puts your D’s in a more extreme category. </p>
<p>For ages 13-17, the avg. number of texts/month is 3,339.
For ages 18-24, the avg. number of texts/month is 1,630. </p>
<p>Your D is over 18 I assume. But either way, her 17,000 texts per month is way over the average, which is already considered to be a big number.</p>
<p>I had written earlier on this thread that I was not aware of the number of texts my girls make (though I think they use it a LOT) and so looked at the bill out of curiosity after reading your posts and found that my now 22 year old had 1,541 texts for that month (which puts her, I guess, close to average for her age group). So, I truly believe your D has a big problem with this that goes beyond simply having a long distance BF. </p>
<p>Counseling would be a good idea if she is willing, since she admits this is all a problem. </p>
<p>For me, I’d want to address the lying to you as that is a big problem in itself.</p>
<p>PS, here is the article:
<a href=“Average teen sends 3,339 texts per month - CNN.com”>Average teen sends 3,339 texts per month - CNN.com;
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</p>
<p>I cross posted with Blossom but agree that the phone should now be what she funds. But I also would consider her being on your plan where the text message limit is put at the average per month for her age group and that she will be responsible for paying after that amount.</p>