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<p>Fine. Then she needs to “get” the cell phone bill and the insurance. How much are you paying each month for all of those texts? There’s no way she can be paying attention in class if she’s constantly texting. Is there any chance she’ll try to flunk out so she can be home with the BF?</p>
<p>What do the bf’s parents say? He is probably lying to them too.</p>
<p>I think eliminating all texting is unreasonable. It is OK to text. It is not OK to be texting 650 times per day. The issue is limiting the texting. If D wants to text more, let her pay for that. That may slow her down. </p>
<p>For example, we pay for a family phone plan. My girls are now supporting themselves (out of college) but I really want them to be able to call us and so I’m still paying for the family phone plan. However, D2 wanted a phone that gets internet and email (I can’t blame her due to her professional life in NYC) but that is an “extra” that is not a necessity and so every month, she pays us for this extra cost to the phone plan to get internet/email on her phone. The OP’s D could do that for the use of text messaging over X amount of texts per day or month that is a either a reasonable amount the parents decide upon or the amount that the basic plan covers.</p>
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<p>The financial aid people do not get a vote in my parental obligations of an adult child. If I follwed their “expectation”, in five years we’d be in debt, never able to retire and our son would not be able to afford to go to grad school. </p>
<p>In fact, by following in the footsteps of those who think the “expectations” from a family with our financial picture is nuts, we’ve been able to find a path so that in five years our son will graduate with no debt nor will we have any debt. </p>
<p>We’re supporting our son as we are able in college and I would hope that other parents do the same but it is not an obligation, it is a gift.</p>
<p>jym, I’m curious about the BF’s parents too but not sure the OP can do much on that front unless very good friends with those parents and has a casual conversation about it. But if that boy is in HS all day and then doing 650 texts outside the school day, that is an incredible amount. Also, it is odd that those parents would host the OP’s D every weekend given that her own parents live in the same town and if she comes home, she should be staying at mom/dad’s house and their son is just a high school student after all.</p>
<p>A follow on question to my above questions…are their cel phone plans that cut off texting after a certain number of them are sent? My understanding is that those plans allow a person to keep sending text but charge a lot per text.</p>
<p>Also, I agree with those who say to not contact the boyfriend or his parents. The issue at hand is not the boyfriend or even the trips home. It’s the lying, time away from school and the troubling number of text. A focus on those things will hopefully yeild positive results. Focusing on the boyfriend or drawing his family into this can only complicate things in a negative way.</p>
<p>I think cell phone plans include either a certain number of texts per month or some plans are unlimited texting. I don’t think the phone cuts you off but you just pay more if you go over the amount your plan covers. </p>
<p>I was saying that the OP can charge her D either for texts that go over the number their phone plan covers OR the parents come up with a maximum number and after that, the D pays X amount toward the phone bill. Their plan MAY be unlimited texting, in other words and so the parents would have to come up with a max. number they will allow.</p>
<p>pugmadkate, my daughter does not use her phone for speaking, only for texting. One of my daughters issues is in her ability to verbally communicate. As I said if her phone should ring I could see the deer in headlight look on her face. Talking is a very uncomfortable thing for my daughter. I often imagine if texting did not exist…would my daughter be a better communicator or would she have no contact with anyone. I gave up on calling my daughter because she does not even allow a call to go through. She has it set so it is filled with messages and goes straight through to leaving a message. She does’nt even check her messages and everyone knows it. It is a problem with employers and even with people she babysits for but I guess until she can’t pay some bills this won’t change. My attitude now is find out for yourself because in a few months you will be 20 and in my eyes this behavior is much younger than her years and it is her problem. I no longer step in to try and teach her a better way…she will need to learn on her own.</p>
<p>Yes, if the texting is what really concerns you, then don’t pay for the cellphone. Even in this day and age, a cellphone is a luxury, not a necessity. If you are worried that she needs one for emergencies, you could get her a basic model without a texting plan. I think all of us parents here on CC survived to adulthood without cellphones. If she goes out and buys her own, which she probably will so she can continue the texting, you won’t know, and you may be better off not knowing. The boyfriend’s texting and grades and so on are his (and his parents’) problem, not yours.
It’s only September- her freshman year has only just begun. My daughter’s freshman year college experience went through weekly, sometimes daily, permutations, none of which I could have predicted. I think you need to let her have her freshman experience, whatever it it. Maybe it’s not the football games, the sorority parties, the college boys- I can tell you, those experiences do not appeal to everyone, and they come with their own worries- alcohol, sex, STDs,excessive partying…
She also might not be ready for college. Many are not ,straight out of high school, so they might come home for a semester or year or two. I did, and now I have my Master’s degree. I went back for my bachelor’s degree when I was 23. My parents must have been worried, but I don’t remember their freaking out, at least not in front of me.</p>
<p>I just looked at our cell phone bill. We have unlimited text messaging. There are four of us (thus four cell phones). I use NO text messaging as my cell phone doesn’t work where we live and so I just use it to travel. My husband barely ever uses text messaging as his cell also doesn’t work at home but does work at work and he on occasion may have a text with the kids (but very very small number). That means that 99% of the text messages are by our two girls. While our service is unlimited text messaging, the bill has a total on it per phone.</p>
<p>It says for the past month for D2 (I will only state D2 as D1 is overseas and using her American phone in a limited way and is using her country phone she has for that country as well):
Text messaging 986 used
Unlimited M2M Text 555 used</p>
<p>I honestly do not know the difference between “Text Messaging” and “Unlimited M2M Text” but in either case our allowance is “unlimited” for both. </p>
<p>So, 986 + 555 = 1541 messages in one month for ONE girl who has a busy social life and also use text for work related purposes too and lives in NYC</p>
<p>1541 texts per month divided by 30 days = approx. 51 texts per day</p>
<p>That doesn’t come close to OP’s D’s 650 texts per day.</p>
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<p>On this point we disagree, although I can understand your view.</p>
<p>My son attended the University of Maryland at College Park, where there is much activity on campus on the weekends but where there is also a large proportion of students who frequently go home for the weekend. Many live in the Baltimore or DC metro areas and are less than an hour from home, so they can easily split their lives between the two locations – campus and home.</p>
<p>It would never have occurred to me to refuse to pay room and board for my son if he had chosen to come home on the weekends. In fact, the store where he had worked part-time during high school offered him a weekends-only job during the college year, which would have required him to come home every weekend. I would not have forbidden this if he had wanted to do it. He chose not to do it, but it was his choice. </p>
<p>I think that in our family, there would have been a problem only if the student was wasting the academic opportunity offered by college – by not studying, not going to class, and not maintaining decent grades. But I can understand why some families feel as strongly about the non-academic aspects of college as we do about the academic ones.</p>
<p>Whatever the remedy, the obsessive/compulsive aspects of the situation seem to me the most dangerous element here. They certainly were in my s’s case.</p>
<p>I did not stay away from talking about that.</p>
<p>I pointed out what he was losing – friends, grades, interests. Asked him to look at what continuing this life would be.</p>
<p>They were talking about engagement ring, and a promise ring was given.</p>
<p>I did not take the car away or stop paying cell service or anything punitive, and I am glad I didn’t.</p>
<p>I wanted my son to have healthy awareness even more than I wanted him to have healthy behavior, and I am very glad I didn’t give up on that quest.</p>
<p>I treated him as an ally in the quest for that and the misguided part of him as hurting him too. I fought for the part of him that felt uncomfortable in being so out of control.</p>
<p>I am so glad I did. He grew up about ten years when he gave up the relationship (or she did – he refuses to discuss it – I don’t push him at all – obviously his private business). He is completely self-sufficient except for tuition. Works for all his spending money, spent the summer at school and paid room and board, backed himself up and moved rooms without help, came home to help his sister move, and is loving and communicative about his classes.</p>
<p>We can even mention GF’s name.</p>
<p>The one sad casualty was one D+ on a vita that had only contained A’s and B’s. Hard for my perfectionism and obsessive/compulsive aspect to take, but so be it. My job to deal with.</p>
<p>I did the opposite of what everyone else said to do, experts included.</p>
<p>Lost friends who thought I should not talk about relationship.</p>
<p>But if it was drugs or alcohol folks would have felt differently. I don’t understand that.</p>
<p>Give her one months service to get her text messages down to something reasonable. More than 300 is excessive IMO… I think with three kids only one went over 300 and that was in the middle of summer when there was no school etc. and I blew a gasket about that since we have a family plan and it threw us over our limit. It seems to be an age thing…my youngest rarely uses his phone as a…phone, more as a text device. My oldest rarely texts. H never texts and I do sporadically to the kids. Give the weekend trips home alittle bit of time…like maybe until you see how the mid-terms go? The boyfriend, probably not much you can do about it, perhaps time will take care of that situation?</p>
<p>As the mother of a daughter who was very wrapped up in a boy we felt was not good for her, I can sympathize. I also know that trying to keep two young lovers apart can turn them into Romeo and Juliet - there’s nothing more romantic than forbidden love!</p>
<p>Several things stand out to me here:
<p>Normally I wouldn’t approach the BF’s parents, but if the relationship is this obsessive you may have an ally there. I’d at least reach out to see what they’re thinking. Your D may be 18 but their son is NOT, perhaps they can impose limits on their end.</p>
<p>I’d also take away the car (if you can legally do so, if she doesn’t own it). Just stopping her insurance probably won’t stop her from driving. And I’d tell her if the texting doesn’t cut down by at least half, you will take the cell phone and provide her with a pre-paid phone for emergencies.</p>
<p>She’ll probably hate you for it, but maybe it will get thru to her that her focus must be on her studies and adapting to college. If she can’t make that her focus, then she needs to come home and go to Community College or get a job. You and she shouldn’t be spending money on college if she’s not going to learn anything because she’s obsessed with this boy.</p>
<p>And if she does come home, I’d invest some money in therapy. She needs to find out why she’s so obsessed with a younger boy. My D is very attached to her BF, but they’ve been together for 2 years and she still went far away to college and is meeting people and getting involved with her campus. Your daughter’s level of involvement with her new BF seems far beyond normal, in the “obsessive” range.</p>
<p>I’m in the mythmom camp.
Its not really about the car or the cost of meals or the number of texts. Its about not having a healthy relationship or living a balanced life. I think you must talk to her on that level and understand how she views her own behavior and if she wants to change it. Does she understand how out of the norm it is?
It may be up to you shake some sense in to her. I’m just not sure you do it with threats and taking things away or talking to the BF parents. The first step is a serious discussion on how she is living her life and will that benefit her in the long run. Is she happy? She may just be too in love to be able to control her actions. Recent studies have shown that love can effect the brain in the same way as a drug addiction.
Help and support her in addressing this obsession.</p>
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<p>Perfect and concise!</p>
<p>I just calculated D’s last texting count and during the final 4 weeks of summer she averaged about 550 a day. One thing to consider is the same text sent to 4 people having a ‘conversation’ counts as 4 messages. Not sure if this applies to the OP.</p>
<p>On the subject of college freshman begin adults, in complete control of their lives, decisions and activities…</p>
<p>It is the current popular parenting guideline to drop them at college and then the moment the the parental car leaves the campus consider the student to be a full adult. I find this rather strange and possibly neglectful. There is a underlying current of fear which freshman parents seem to have in regards to giving any input into their students lives.</p>
<p>College is 4 years during which these young people are in the PROCESS of becoming adults. To withdraw all parental input and advice on the turn of a dime (or car!) does not strike me as a smart strategy.</p>
<p>I’d withdraw the car. Since the parents are paying for this non-necessary benefit and it is being abused, they have the full right (and arguably responsibility) to remove the temptation. That is part of the adult world. H and I asked our D to let us know if she is leaving the campus for a weekend or other trip. It is not an attempt to control, it is however, a safety precaution. </p>
<p>This parenting of college kids is new for many of us, myself included. If your parental instincts tell you something is wrong and an intervention of sorts is needed, I argue to not over rule this little voice because current parent theory says not to meddle.</p>
<p>^^Well, it is not even meddling to communicate with one’s children. I considered my kids independent adults in college but they surely communicated with me. For example, if they went on any trips off campus overnight, they surely let us know their whereabouts. We did not control their decisions but do expect to be informed of what city/location they are in…this is even true now that they are out of college. It is just a respectful expectation and not meddling or supervising or controlling.</p>
<p>Actually I thought the current parenting model is extended adolescence, you know, the helicoptering. It’s not just the campus that considers them to be a full adult at 18, it’s the law. That’s why they can join the Army. Are they all ready at 18 to be fully functioning adults and make great life decisions? Probably very few are, but it’s their legal right. We don’t have to subsidize their life choices, but we should accept them. Nagging is a very unsuccessful endeavour. I try to only advise when asked. If my D does something truly stupid, and she has, I use the occasion to impart my wisdom. But you cannot anticipate every mistake.
I do not expect my daughter (she’s 19) to inform me of her whereabouts every weekend, and especially not after she graduates. I like to know what she is doing, but it’s not my business if she goes to visit a friend or go skiing or camping, or whatever. Gosh, they need some space to breathe. And have adventures, misadventures, etc, because that’s what makes life fun and interesting, and yes, a little scary sometimes.</p>
<p>I agree that there is definitely signs of obsessive behavior with this relationship. I think this is one of my biggest concerns. I think she could benefit from some counseling & will be suggesting it. I have also thought about approaching het Bf parents, but have thought better of it for the time being. I could be very wrong about this though. I’ve only met his mom once during pre prom pictures At our house. My D has told me that his parents love her & think she’s a “model” GF. The BF’s parents are divorced and he stays with his dad & stepmom every other weekend. He seems like a nice enough boy but doesn’t care much about school & has little ambition so far.
She came to town this Friday for a pre planned b day party for her HS friends b day. She stopped by for 15 min before the party and said she would be staying the night at her friends house & would be leaving first thing Saturday morning. I knew she was lying but didn’t call her on it. Pretty sure she’s still in town & with the boyfriend. I know this because I checked our on line cell phone account. She hasn’t text her Bf @ vice versa since fri night. ( I never checked on her like this ever before she started with all the lies). I feel so beat down by all of this I figured let her do what she wants this weekend & we will sit her down next weekend we she is coming back to town for her brothers & fathers b day party.
We warned her, if she continued with the lies we would take the car away. The car is in her fathers name.
Also AT&T had a service that allows u to limit how many text messages are allowed for the month.</p>
<p>one thing practical…</p>
<p>As for the car expenses such as insurance etc… Unless you actually take the key away and make sure she does not drive the car, I wouldn’t threaten with “the expense is your responsibility”. </p>
<p>If she lets the insurance expire (due to the lack of funds, etc), and gets into an accident, this can result in a catastrophic scenario.</p>
<p>Either take the car away completely, or at least pay the insurance (not the gas).</p>