I feel like I don't know who she is anymore

Parents Forum
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<p>If you’ve met the parents and you are comfortable I could see calling them and telling them that your D is texting over 600 times a day and that you fear it’s hindering her success in college. You could perhaps ask if they would talk to their son and encourage him not to be texting with her so much (especially if it’s occuring during the day). If he’s in high school he shouldn’t be doing this either during the day and they both need a break at night to study. You might be able to garner an ally over this activity and they may not be aware of the daily volume if they have an unlimited plan.</p>

<p>If some girl’s parent called me and told me my son was texting that much on a daily basis I’d probably be upset with my son for the very same reasons, and I’d “get” the concern.</p>

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<p>tptshorty:</p>

<p>Most people who know my two daughters (personally) would say they are very independent young women. My youngest D went off to college in NYC at age 16. She is also well traveled, including independently. My older D has traveled extensively to many countries alone. She is even living in France on her own currently and has done such things several times in the past.</p>

<p>While it is not my “business” what they choose to do or where they go on weekends, and they should and do have many adventures, including around the world, it is out of respect that we have a family understanding that we know which city or town or country anyone is in at a given moment so that they can be reached and we know their whereabouts. We do not know their every daily move. But if they travel out of town, they do tell us and do not mind and do not have any restrictions of freedom in the slightest bit. I have one kid flying to Abu Dhabi in a few days. She is to send us her flight itinerary and let us know when she arrives. The one in France is flying to England in a few weeks and surely will let us know her whereabouts. My kids have always done this as young adults in college and past college. I would expect this. It has nothing to do with meddling, supervising, helicoptering, making adult decisions, having freedom and independence at all. My kids are free to do whatever they want and make ALL of their own decisions. However, they are respectful and communicative and do let us know when they are traveling out of town from their current locations. Therefore, if I were the OP, I would be upset if I didn’t know my kid travelled on a trip by car from her college to the hometown. My kids have always told me such things. That has nothing to do with restrictions of where they go or permission of ANY kind. It has to do with informing loved ones of travel plans and nothing more. And lying is NOT OK.</p>

<p>PS…speaking of going skiing…my D has gone skiing on trips all ALONE in foreign countries. But she did tell us where she was going and where she was staying. It has nothing to do with being scary. She has also driven 6000 miles to Alaska at age 18. Called us from every stop on the way to let us know she made it. D traveled on her own in very remote areas of Laos and Cambodia. Used a satellite phone to let us know each stop of the entire trip. This is about respectful communication and not about what she is allowed to do or not or about taking “scary” risks.</p>

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<p>As I posted earlier, our phone plan has unlimited text messaging. However, the monthly bill still states how many text messages occurred on each cell phone.</p>

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<p>^^I agree. My kids call me when they are leaving their towns overnight or going on a long trip. On a long driving trip they tend to “check in” and let us know what town they are in etc. It’s more a respectful communication. They remember when they were little and either I or their dad was traveling for work and we’d “check in” once a day just to let the family know all was well. It has zero to do with “controlling” behavior and much to do with simply what our family does. My sibs and I still “tell” our parents when we’re traveling for business and where we’re going and they touch base with us when they are traveling just to let us know they arrived safely or whatever. My H never did that with his parent when he was young, but he quickly gleaned that it wasn’t a control thing it was just how I operated because of how my family operated. It’s just a habit born of many decades. </p>

<p>Not all families “do this” but it’s not about control or us allowing or “not allowing” young adult members of the family. It’s more concerning to me that the OP’s D is not telling the truth…I wonder how the OP would feel if the D had called and said she was driving home for the weekend but was staying with a friend or whatever and if the D had called when she arrived back at school. Lots of newly minted freshman who are under three hours away come home many weekends. That behavior typically falls off as the kids engage in activities on campus or the boyfriend/girlfriend thing starts to fall apart. I remember with my boys many “relationships” falling apart the summer between high school and college and even more between September and December especially those relationships that involved a high school student and a now college student.</p>

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<p>The OP’s family has taken out a Parent loan, and they are subsidizing daughter’s use of a car?
A student on financial aid having a car on campus seems ridiculous to me. Even having an old beater car costs at minimum $300 or so a month, likely more when insuring a young person, when you consider gas, maintenance, insurance. We’re talking$3000-4000 a year at minimum - much more if payments are still being made on the car. (It costs around 50 cents per mile to operate a car these days) Spending this amount of money on a student’s car, while going into debt, does NOT make financial sense. </p>

<p>Each additional car that a family has adds <em>significantly</em> to their cost of living… Especially those big honkin’ gas guzzlers - lots more in gas, plus the big huge tires cost way more than those for smaller vehicles.</p>

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<p>MomCat2…I guess we are a ridiculous family based on your post 65. Our kids were on financial aid including parent loans. We already owned a “kids’ car” when they were in high school. When oldest went off to college freshman year, our younger one used the car here at home (there is no public transportation where we live at all…it’s rural). The next year, D2 went off to college in NYC (no car needed there) and so D1 took the kids’ car to college but didn’t use it much (also our kids RARELY come home…only about 2-3 times every 12 months). However, where D1 was located at college, there was no public transportation to travel to where we live and having a car was the best way to get home when she visited. </p>

<p>I don’t agree how much it costs per year to use that car. Her insurance (which we pay) is not as much as you wrote. There is maintenance but the car is in good shape and not that old and so doesn’t require major repairs. She can pay for gas at school (uses very little) and we pay gas to travel home as we would have paid for some other method for her to come home. The amount we pay for year for the car is pretty small and would put only a minor dent in college loans. But the car has been handy for her to have and we had the car already from high school days. Currently the car is sitting here as she is overseas all year. My other D, living in NYC has to spend on subway passes and so there are transportation costs in most situations and in any case, for a kid to travel home occasionally from college. I would not have my freshman have a car at college though. And my kid did not use a car to leave campus every weekend (far far from it) and also never took it out of town without our knowledge.</p>

<p>PS, the OP’s D’s car was given to her by the grandmother and thus is only costing the mom insurance payments and maintenance. My kids’ grandmother chose to pay off the car payments on my kids’ car too.</p>

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<p>My parents live 90 minutes away. They are 85 and 90. To this day, when I get ready to leave after visiting them my dad will still ask me to call when I get home…so he knows I made it safely! It makes me smile inside.</p>

<p>I let them know when anyone in our family goes out of town. I let them know when they get back. D has call gramma and grandpa from college to let them know she is doing okay.</p>

<p>What some see as controlling and over parenting, others see as common courtesy and respect for family ties.</p>

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<p>OP- I sympathize.</p>

<p>But you are sending a lot of mixed messages in my opinion- based on what you’ve posted. It’s ok for her to come home next weekend for her dad’s birthday but not ok to come home to see the BF? It’s ok for you guys to pay for the phone and the texts and the car as long as she’s calling and texting and driving the folks you approve of and want her to see?</p>

<p>I think parents get to decide what they can pay for and what they can’t; I think you get to determine reasonable limits on behavior based on common courtesy (i.e. replace the milk when you drink it all; don’t turn on all the lights if you come home at midnight when everyone else is asleep) and I think you get to expect reasonable adult behavior from your adult (and not living under your roof) children which in my mind would include a quick phone call at the end of a two hour or more drive to let you know the kid has reached his/her destination safely.</p>

<p>So I think you may have unwittingly put your D in a position of feeling that she needs to lie to you if/because you won’t approve of what she’s doing. In my mind this has nothing to do with the BF having no ambition or being younger or whatever-- but clearly your D has picked up on your disapproval of the relationship. But I think you have a reasonable expectation of what you will and won’t pay for; what constitutes “best effort” academic behavior; what constitutes respectful behavior towards parents and family members.</p>

<p>But to me it is crazy that you’d encourage her to come home Freshman year for dad’s birthday and then go ballistic that she’s also coming home to see the BF. So you sound like a hypocrite that all of a sudden it’s important for her to be making friends and joining clubs at college. Except when it suits you to have her home in which case it’s fine that she drives an old car a long distance.</p>

<p>That’s what I’m hearing.</p>

<p>If it were my kid- I’d send an email or a text to ask her to call you one day this week at her convenience when she has 20 minutes of privacy and when you can talk (i.e. you’re not at work or asleep) and give her some choices of when that could be.</p>

<p>Then, I’d simply tell her that now that she’s settling in at college, you’ve taken a look at some of the household expenses, and that you’ve decided to move to a cheaper cellphone plan starting December 1. The new plan gives you 100 texts per month per phone (or whatever the el cheapo plan gives you) and because the parents don’t text you’ve decided to be generous and let her use your allotment. But that she’ll be responsible for paying for every text over the monthly allotment. If she finds that it’s cheaper for her to be on her own plan she should let you know by November 20th so you can re-negotiate with the cellphone company.</p>

<p>Also, you’ve decided to move to a cheaper auto insurance plan- since she’s more than 100 miles from home, you can “drop” her insurance during the semester and reinstate her when she’s home at Xmas which will save you a chunk of change. She can deposit the car at home this weekend when she comes back for her dad’s birthday and you will drive her back on Sunday in your own car. </p>

<p>Period and done. How she gets to and from the BF’s and how often she communicates with him is no longer your problem. I cannot fathom paying car expenses for a kid in college unless she needed it to get back and forth for dialysis or for a “once in a lifetime” internship/career opportunity. And I would not pay a nickle extra in cellphone costs other than a reasonable number of calls/texts (which your D surpassed many hundreds of messages ago.)</p>

<p>But your anger is misplaced. It’s not the boyfriends fault that your D is finding him more interesting than the kids at college, and it’s not the BF’s parents fault that your D has lied to you, and it’s not your D’s fault that your paying car insurance when you only intended her to use the car for activities you approve of.</p>

<p>So stop paying for what you don’t want to pay for (and believe me, your budget and your blood pressure will be happier when you stop) and allow your D to step up to the plate and be an adult.</p>

<p>I have a kid who is working at a good job in a city where both insurance and parking is very expensive. Kid figured out quickly that the cost of insurance, maintenance, etc. meant that there was no money left at the end of the month for a social life and the car came home. He would never have been able to make the adult choice to forgo the car and learn to love mass transit if we had subsidized the car. So he got rid of the car and has money to go out with his friends. Or he could have kept the car, and used up all his money on rent, health insurance, food, and parking/insurance. Didn’t matter to me what he chose since I wasn’t paying for it, but it was a good life’s lesson to realize that even on a good, professional salary, one has to make choices in life.</p>

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<p>^^^ If CC had a “like” button, I would “like” Blossom’s post.</p>

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<p>Perhaps because I am the parent of a 10th grade boy, I am fixated on the bf’s family in this situation. No way in hell a girlfriend would be spending the night at my house. I’m not naive and I know sex can be had at any time/place, but I will not enable the opportunity for my HS son.</p>

<p>I would take away phone/car because frankly it is the only thing a parent has control to do. It illustrates is a concrete way that the 18 year old is not truly on their own and must depend upon the parents pocketbook. </p>

<p>But I believe a compromise is in order too. I’d agree to monthly visits home in order to see bf in exchange for GPA, involvement in a college club or the like.</p>

<p>As a parent the lying upsets me, but certainly doesn’t surprise me. Did my share of not giving parents full reports to avoid the stress on their end and hearing the lectures on my end. Can’t say I’ve fully grown out of it – I still edit some things. So, giving some personal space to college kids is necessary IMO.</p>

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<p>Also, you’ve decided to move to a cheaper auto insurance plan- since she’s more than 100 miles from home, you can “drop” her insurance during the semester and reinstate her when she’s home at Xmas which will save you a chunk of change.>></p>

<p>Realistically, how much of a difference in insurance would this make? I just looked at our policy and we are discounted $23-$36 every 6 months for each of our three kids away at college without a car. Our 18-year-old not having a car “saves” $46 a year. </p>

<p>Our text plan is $30/month unlimited and all four of us use it. If we dropped a kid off, it would be $15/line for the other three of us. That wouldn’t be a savings at all; it would actually cost more. If no one else in the family used it, it would make more sense to drop, but it’s not a huge savings in any case. </p>

<p>But 600 a day is really over the top; she can’t be doing much of anything else.</p>

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<p>^^I’d be on the phone with the other mom. I would not ask her to tell her son not to text so much- that assumes that it’s the boy who is doing the initiating. I’d express concerns about her son. A 16 year old boy with an 18 year old college girl is not a match, no matter how sweet the 18 year old is. </p>

<p>I would find out if they are spending the nights together, or if the mom is aware of what’s been happening. What if she has no clue? The boy could be lying to her as well. (staying at friends, etc.)</p>

<p>Parents need to connect and not be so afraid of butting in when their kids’ well-being is at stake. But I’m of the “It takes a village” mentality. And this boy is a minor. Frankly, it would bother me if I thought one of my adult kids, even at 18, might be having sex with a minor. In the case of the OPs daughter, I’d guess that’s a yes.</p>

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<p>I guess our first mistake was not setting clear expectations about visits & the car before she left. I didn’t go to college & so it honestly never occurred to me that having a car on campus would be a problem. Her grandma upgraded to a new car and gave her the old one as a 16th b day present. We did explain to her that this car was old & would not be reliable for long trips home often. We also explained to her that her budget would not allow for many trips home. Next weekend was the only family pre planned trip. She snuck up her to see the boyfriend the very first weekend she was at school. We told her we understood she wanted to see him & did express our concern for her lying & sneaking around and not to mention the disrespectfulness of leaving on a 2 hour drive out of town without mentioning it to us. I myself called her that morning to let her know I wad going out of town. I know I can’t tell her she can’t see the bf. I’m quite certain it will end without my meddling. She never gave me a fair chance to be ok with her coming down to visit with the bf. </p>

<p>*** we wouldn’t save much by taking her off the auto INS while she’s at school. We could definitely use the car though. We have a 15 1/2 yr old that will need it soon.
** we pay about $20 for unlimited texting for the family, but our plan still allows us to modify how much texting we want the kids to be able to do monthly.</p>

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<p>I totally agree. I am a newbie to this and my daughter is only a junior in high school, but I pretty much live my life in fast forward or what if terms and if my daughter decided to divert her focus from college to some boy 2 years her junior and I am footing the bill for almost every thing I would not only enforce my authority I would close my wallet.</p>

<p>And it amazes me how kids think that magically when they turn 18 they are adults. Adults pay their own way.</p>

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<p>Another reason she needed a car was because she was transferring from her hometown job to the same job about 15-20 min from campus in another town.</p>

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<p>When I drive to or from visiting my college-age kids, I call whomever needs the call (husband or kids) as I leave and then text all whenever I stop along the way to eat or for gas, whatever, and definitely when I arrive at my destination. I don’t have a helicopter husband or children, just look at it as a safety measure for me and simple courtesy toward those who love me. My kids do the same without feeling like we’re asking something unreasonable, perhaps because they’ve watched us do it as adults. Also it’s understood that should any road problems develop (like the flat tire one daughter had) we’re the backup plan - and it’s never wise to have an unhappy “back-up” plan. :)</p>

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<p>ls4218, it is not too late to set some groundrules. You say you can limit the number of texts on the plan per phone…do that and inform your daughter. Tell her if she texts more than that, she will pay the difference. That’s not controlling but it is a limit to what you will pay for. As far as the car, set limits…the car can stay at school if she only travels home no more than once per month. If caught lying or not complying, the car will remain at home. The car at school is a privilege. You are paying for the college experience to be at college. If she wants to be home every weekend, she can live at home and attend a local school. All of that is reasonable. Again, don’t even discuss the boyfriend. Stay out of that. The texting and the leaving campus every weekend to go home are an issue in terms of her college experience that you are paying for (let alone you are paying for the phone and the car insurance and maintenance). The phone, college, and the car are privileges and with your paying for them, you have some limits. When she comes home for dad’s birthday, lay these groundrules. It is not that hard to do even if she rebels. There are clear consequences.</p>

<p>PS…one more rule…if she goes on trips away from the area of her school (such as to your hometown) she must inform you of her whereabouts out of your concern and peace of mind, just as you tell her if you will be away.</p>

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<p>Have you discussed expectations with regard to grades? Excessive texting and being away from campus every weekend would spell disaster for some (most?) kids.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read the whole thread but one thing stood out to me when I read the first page. The daughter’s grandmother gave her the car. It’s not the parents to take away from her as they are not the rightful owners but she is. I think trying to take it away will only backfire and lead to more lies.</p>

<p>The problem is not the car or transportation to get home to see her BF. The problem is she is away at school when she likely was not ready to be away from home. It seems to me the boyfriend is but a symptom of a greater problem. Chances are she misses him but also misses being home. The BF has just come to symbolize what she’s lost not being there.</p>

<p>Perhaps the best answer for her is to bring her back home. She does not sound emotionally or socially mature enough to be on her own. Trying to blame the BF as the issue is taking great pains to avoid the obvious. She is likely one kid who never should have gone away to college…</p>

<p>at least not yet.</p>

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<p>OP- you can’t have it both ways. Either your D is mature enough to understand that by inheriting an old and not 100% reliable car it was to be used to get to and from work only, and that her budget would not permit frequent trips home- or she’s not.</p>

<p>It’s great when our kids understand limits and it’s unfortunately, not so great when they don’t. But your D clearly heard the message that she was getting a car from grandma and that you would be paying insurance and maintenance, and that once she covered the gas it was hers to use- to her job, to knock around town with friends, for trips back and forth to see BF- or whatever she wants. So you either set limits by moving the car back home, or continue to be frustrated that you are footing the bill for car-related activities that you don’t approve of. But seething that she’s driving a clunker to see a guy you don’t like sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.</p>

<p>An older and wiser friend of mine told me once when I was complaining about a loser BF, “Don’t worry, the next one will be worse”. My D was in HS at the time so of course, I couldn’t contemplate worse… but of course, this friend was right.</p>

<p>Would you rather your D was dating a man her own age right in the town she lives in who has partial custody of his 2 year old child? Probably not. Would you rather your D was dating a 24 year old man in her own town who owned the local bar and had a habit of be-friending immature Freshman? Probably not.</p>

<p>See- there’s lots worse than an immature and not very ambitious 16 year old who you know, whose parents you’ve met, who lives in your town, and doesn’t even have a driver’s license yet!!!</p>

<p>The BF will pass. Your D needs to learn that the family budget is being stretched in many ways but that funding unlimited transportation in grandma’s old car is not part of the plan right now. And if she’s not happy paying for her extra share of the texting she can find a way to keep within the monthly maximum like thousands of other college kids. </p>

<p>And then you tell her you love her and will always love her and that wouldn’t it be great if everyone in the family got everything they wanted all the time 'cause you’d want a live-in housekeeper and a pony.</p>