<p>I have no idea what to do to abstain from my dad since we are living under the same roof. He smokes, curses, beats my mom when my mom comes to visit me (I live with my dad alone), hates people, thinks his life is a failure, considers me a burden (once he brutally told me that the only reason why he gives me food and shelter is that I am his wife's daughter and he beats my mom), keeps threatening me that no university is going to accept me regardless of me getting high averages with the hardest courseload possible and ECs. I am really frustrated. I have no idea what to do. My mom once suggested that he should bahave a little better because it is very possible that his conducts can influence me, and he replied with 'It's my own business. If she wants to follow me, that's completely her fault,' or 'You know what, she wouldn't be able to survive in the world if she did not experience any hardship.' The second reply seems to suggest that I should instead thank him for witnessing his conducts every single day. I've already accepted the fact that he is completely indifferent to my school work, ECs and univ. research and I am willing to choose and design everything by myself. But the reality seems to be much more complicated than his desire of training me to be independent. I doubt that he is willing to contribute to my education financially.
I just find that I don't really trust men anymore, since there is such a great model in front of me every single day. I become quite skeptical about human nature and sometimes kind of shun myself away from the outer world because at home I am so used to build a shield to stay away from him. I feel that I probably appear cold even though I don't really want to. I just cannot help it. And he's like, 'you are such a failure that you don't go out and party.' But I really have a hard time having a social life partially because of my personality and partially because he is a complete recluse. I don't even dare to buy clothes and to wear makeup because he explictly told me that he hated girls like that (or maybe I don't have time, idk). My relationship with him is very bad and my relationships with teachers/peers etc etc are mediocre at best.
I hope some adults can give me some suggestions. I can't move out because I am not financially-independent. I feel like I am ranting so please forgive me for using incorrect grammar/illogical transition, etc.</p>
<p>I am sorry you are in this situation.
Is there a reason you cannot live with your mom?</p>
<p>Is there any adult in your life right now that that you trust and can talk with?</p>
<p>
Yes obviously. </p>
<p>
I sometimes talk to my mom. I don’t really want to talk to the school counsellors because I don’t really feel secure (I just find that I can hardly trust anybody). I do have one but she is super super super busy and I cannot really bother her very often. I wouldn’t have posted this thread if I could have found someone to figure it out. </p>
<p>I am trying to be strong strong strong but I am just not strong enough.</p>
<p>Sweetheart, I am so sorry that you’re having to endure this. As a mom, I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug. {{{{{{ big hug }}}}}</p>
<p>First of all, most men are NOT like that. Your dad’s behavior is the exception, not the rule. </p>
<p>Can you meet your mom away from your house, so that your dad can’t hit her during your visits? Or, at least meet her outside of your home and then go someplace else for your time together? If your visits with your mom must be supervised, can’t someone else be the “supervisor” other than your dad?</p>
<p>Is your dad going to contribute towards your college costs? If not, will you have to have much contact with him after you go to college?</p>
<p>Are you a senior? What schools have you applied to? </p>
<p>You will get into college. 
You will move on from this situation. You’ve been given the great gift of intelligence, use it to have a wonderful life. </p>
<p>{{{{ hugs again }}}}</p>
<p>How old are you? What year in school? When will you leave for college? Will you be able to afford college?</p>
<p>I do think you need to find a trusted adult to help you in this situation. Give us a little more information and see what the CC group can come up with.</p>
<p>I see from your other posts that you live in Canada, and I think (not sure) that your SAT is in the 2200+ range? Is that right? </p>
<p>You’re a junior, right? </p>
<p>Where will you be applying to college?</p>
<p>
My mom is in another country and basically everything is connected by the phone. </p>
<p>I just want to graduate and go far far far away and be with other nice and intelligent people. I am in despair because I am afraid that my personality may have undergone a vicious transformation that I am now cold rather than outgoing and gregarious and I can never go back. Whenever I go to collegeboard and browse the admission factors and see the character/qualities ranked the highest I just feel hopeless even though I long for the great academic environment. There are way more kids out there who don’t have to face this kind parents and develop much better characteristics and I just find that there is no way that I can compete with them even though I have stats. The college admission is probably ruthless and I doubt that they will take my family problem into consideration since anybody can just fabricate.
I am just glad that I am stubborn and I have the genes for good grades. The only thing I left is my perseverence and yet it is constantly under attack. Sometimes when I see HS couples walking down the hallway I will picture the guys beating and threatening and throwing the girls and their children away. But I still don’t want to go to a women’s college because my instinct tells me that there are better men out there. I just hope that my instinct is right.</p>
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<p>Yes everything is right. But my SAT can be higher since it was the first time that I took it and I made some silly mistakes that cost me an arm and a leg (well, maybe carelessness should not be an excuse). I am a junior.
I do have the intention to apply to ivies or other top LACs because honestly I believe that I belong there with large crowds of intelligent people, having stimulating conversations, challenging tasks etc etc. Canadian schools are good but there’s definitely a discrepency. The financial aid is enticing because I am trying to be independent. I feel guilty whenever I spend his money since he does consider me a burden. Besides I want to be far away. I have no idea how I came to Canada for I stayed in US for some time when I was young and I believed that wherever I ended up I would end up in America. But I am not an American citizen/permanent resident.</p>
<p>Your SAT is quite high, but I can understand that you want it to be higher to help your chances.</p>
<p>Have you taken the ACT? You may do even better on that?</p>
<p>To improve your chances of getting away from home, you probably should also include some schools that will give you a free ride for your scores. </p>
<p>Are you a URM by any chance?</p>
<p>I don’t even know what ACT exactly is since I can find no book in my local library for preparation. I will probably adhere to SAT. </p>
<p>Unfortunately I am not a URM. I am from an overrepresented crowd whose parents are stereotypically caring for their kids’ education and everything. Just not mine.</p>
<p>^^</p>
<p>Go to the ACT.org website. The ACT is an equally accepted exam for college entrance. The test is somewhat similar to the SAT, but has a Science Reasoning section in it.</p>
<p>Some kids do better on the ACT, so that’s why I recommended it. You seem to be seeking a near-perfect SAT, so perhaps you’d get a near-perfect (or perfect) ACT.</p>
<p>Two short true stories:
My Husband grew up in a similiar situation but with the addition of physical abuse.No help from Hgh school or other adults. He worked two jobs and went to college at the same time. He is now a very successful man and a great H and father. HE DID IT BY HIMSELF.</p>
<p>My son had stats similiar to you. Top student. He applied to 12 schools and got into most. His safety school offered a full ride merit scholarship.It was not his dream school. He took it, worked very hard and spent sumers at the college doing paid research to prepare for grad school. We did not fill out financial aid forms.He is currently interviewing at top grad schools that will also finance him completely.HE DID IT BY HIMSELF.</p>
<p>You are very smart.
You show signs of good maturity.</p>
<p>You will be an international student in the US. Much more difficult to receive aid this way. You MAY have to stay in school in Canada where you will also be a top student.
Apply to the schools you want and also some safety schools in Canada. Are you a citizen or just living in Canada? You have time to reseacrch schools in regard to financial aid and merit scholarships. Use your time to do this.</p>
<p>If your father ever, ever hits you, you will need to leave. Nonnegotiable. Keep asking us questions. We all are willing to help. :)</p>
<p>Another possibility is for you to retake the SAT, since you scored very high already. Just try to do better on the part where you made an error. Most colleges super-score, that is, they take the highest score from the different tests.</p>
<p>Do take SAT- Subject tests (aka SAT-IIs) if you wish to apply to top schools such as Harvard. Harvard and a few others (not many) require 3, but most others require 2. However, they all differ in the types of tests that are required.</p>
<p>You don’t need to have tons of ECs, especially since you immigrated recently. You just need to show commitment to a few, and explain that you only immigrated recently. You don’t need tons of community service.</p>
<p>You do need, at the end of junior year, to line up teachers willing to write you good recommendation letters which not only point out that you are an excellent student but also be able to back up their evaluation with evidence. This, for example, can be done by pointing out your insightful participation in class, helpfulness toward other students, etc… Also talk to your GC. You may not be able to confide in him/her but letting your GC know of your general family situation (your mother far away, your generally unsupportive yet demanding father, his lack of ability/willingness to finance your college education) so that your GC can steer you toward colleges where you have a chance of being admitted with financial aid.</p>
<p>Do not focus entirely on the Ivy League schools. Consider as well women’s colleges such as Mt Holyoke, Wellesley or Smith. Midwestern LACs could also be a great fit. I suggest looking into Grinnell, Oberlin, Carleton, Macalester, Kalamazoo, St Olaf. Don’t discount Canadian universities. Some of my Ss’ schoolmates have gone to McGill and liked it there very much.</p>
<p>Good luck and hugs to you.</p>
<p>I will retake SAT I in May and SAT II in June. I will take literature (I know it may sound absurd for a recent immigrant but I am confident since my score for the first prep test is not that bad + I am not going into heavy science or math), biology and math II.
Yes definitely I will apply to Canadian universities as safeties. But should I consider some safeties in America? If so, could you give me some suggestions?</p>
<p>all I can tell you is to try your best to get as much scholarship money as you can, enable yourself to be completely financially independent of him, leave, and never come back.</p>
<p>From a pure academic point of view, it should not be hard to come up with safety schools for you, but you need financial aid as well, and it is becoming harder for international students. I am not the best person to discuss financial safeties. Perhaps other parents can help out here?</p>
<p>Wow. I sure wish we could all give you a hug. </p>
<p>I keep recommending “Emotional Blackmail” and “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. She is really good at helping us set boundaries and deal with FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). I think those books could help you a lot. </p>
<p>You are in a time of huge change. You are moving from your parents being your “world” to the bigger world. Eventually (About age 30 to 40) you will see your parents as individuals and see why they are the way they are (substance addiction, mental illness, whatever) AND it will not pain you. But you aren’t there yet. You may be seeing who they are and why they are but not yet seeing this without significant pain. </p>
<p>Children internalize things. Tell a kid “step on a crack, break your mother’s back” and they think their mother’s back ache is due to their own clumsiness. Part of you is going to be in that phase for a while longer. I hope you will still move forward. </p>
<p>In aikido, there is a move called “parting the curtain”, where you face your attacker. As the attacker moves forward, you pivot so you have the same view as your attacker (now you are facing the same way). It is unexpected and usually throws the attacker off balance. If you Dad says something negative, try saying “I see your point. What would improve this?” </p>
<p>There are lots of techiques to try – and to help you survive until you are on your own. I hope you will prowl the public library and read the help boards – see what your community has to offer that can help. </p>
<p>Financial safety? You may do best applying as a math or science major (if that suits you) to a small school. Wentworth in Spokane. Seattle University. Pacific University in Oregon. That sort of place. </p>
<p>We are rooting for you.</p>
<p>I don’t really want to major in pure math or science. It doesn’t suit me even though I am a pure Asian.</p>