I find this unacceptable - suitemate issue

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I live in a 4-person suite, with two double rooms sharing one bathroom.</p>

<p>One of the suitemates always has her friends over - even when she's not in the room herself. At first it just was just annoying, because a ton of people were using are bathroom that's supposed to be only for 4 people, and most of those extra users were guys (in our girls bathroom...leaving the toilet seat up...). Not only did this make my roommate and I a bit uncomfortable, it also does make it hard to get in the bathroom, and whenever my roommate or I actually do get to the bathroom, it's filthy. Fine, whatever. It's not out business that she has her friends over, and we didn't ask them to clean the bathroom, so we'll just keep cleaning up after them. </p>

<p>However, recently, the bathroom has started smelling really bad <em>all the time.</em> We couldn't figure out what it was. Then, about two days ago. I heard gagging and spitting noises in the bathroom. This happened again later that day, and I heard the guy talking to the suitemate about how he was trying to make himself throw up. </p>

<p>Now, I don't know what's going on, and if I did I couldn't prove it. I would assume that the guy is throwing up in the bathroom all the time, and that's what the horrible smell is. I don't know if the suitemate is doing it too, or if she's not why she's enabling her friend to be bulimic. Either way I want this behavior out of my bathroom. People should be getting help for this problem, not avoiding their own suites (this guy lives on our floor, he could easily use his own bathroom if he chose to) and continuing this self-damaging behavior. I don't want this to be taking place in my bathroom, I don't want to have to pay to get the pipes replaced at the end of the year if this causes some kind of problem, and I am just really sick of the bathroom reeking.</p>

<p>Sorry if this sounded insensitive, but I'm tired of her guests failing to maintain even a basic level of courtesy in return for practically living here. I also don't want to be party to this behavior by allowing this guy to use our bathroom instead of confronting his problem.</p>

<p>How do I bring this up in a way that will be effective but not cause some sort of bathroom war? Anyone have any advice at all? :(</p>

2

<p>It sounds as though all four suite mates need to all sit down and try to come to an understanding. The one suite mate might not realize how she is putting the rest of you out and making your lives uncomfortable. Without the three others of you ganging up on her, try to get the point across that this is just not acceptable, not fair. You can also go to the RA and ask for help. I'm sure this is a situation that has come up before. It really needs to stop. Are all these other people also students at the school? If so, they need to use their own facilities. If not, they need to go.</p>

3

<p>Take a zero-tolerance approach. These people don't sound like the people you would want to be friends with anyway, so don't be afraid to take a hard line stance against them.</p>

4

<p>if you live in university-owned housing, talk with your RA.</p>

5

<p>Normally, I'd suggest talking it out and being reasonable, but in this situation (if it involves an eating disorder), I'd go straight to the RA. That's unacceptable and absolutely disgusting.</p>

6

<p>First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're in this type of situation. </p>

<p>I have to disagree, however, with those who advise going straight to the RA. In my mind, it's best to keep these types of things as personal and one-on-one as possible, before bringing a mediator in to the mix. I think it would be most helpful to talk it over with those involved, and be very firm in describing what's been bothering you and that they should stop.</p>

<p>Few people like a tattle-tale, no matter what the circumstance. (I'm not calling you a tattle-tale, per say, but it's more grown-up to talk to them directly and first. Going straight to the RA without informing those actually involved makes you look like a sneak, whether that's fair or not.) And because there might be an eating disorder involved, this makes the situation even more sensitive. Few people would like a tattle-tale who also tells the RA so-and-so has bulimia. </p>

<p>Only if they refuse to listen to you and continue their behavior, should you go to the RA.</p>

7

<p>Have you tried talking with your suitemate? If you don't get anywhere with your suitemate during the discussion, let her know that if she continues to allow this type of behavior of her friends in your suite that you will inform the RA of the situation.</p>

8

<p>Thank you to all that have responded so far.</p>

<p>I thought about this more today, and I really do not know how to bring this subject up with our suitemate. I'm pretty sure that no matter what I said, our total lack of proof about what we think is happening would make it sound really accusatory and like we're just trying to find a reason to attack her. "Hey do you have bulimia, and if so can you stop that?" >.< I don't know, what could we say to her that wouldn't upset her? I don't really want to bring up the bulimia out of the blue, because as of yet we don't know if it's her or her friends or what's going on. And it seems very unlikely that we could just request that she doesn't let her friends use our bathroom at all. Help?</p>

<p>Right now, I am considering going to the RA as my most viable option. I'm hoping to present the situation like, "we've had these occurrences, so that makes us concerned, can you give us some advice/get the bathroom cleaned?" Rather than, "chick has bulimia make her stop." Unfortunately this probably will still result in some kind of action, but I feel like the RA would have a better chance of getting help/counseling for these people anyway. I'd be willing to talk to the suitemate as well, and try to work out the issue before the RA takes action, but again I need ideas about how to approach such a conversation.</p>

<p>Either way I'm going to look like a jerk, it seems.</p>

9

<p>I think you should talk to her before bringing in an RA. Don't mention the bulimia at first, if that makes you uncomfortable- just talk about the cleanliness of the bathroom. Seriously, if one of my roommates had a problem with me and didn't tell me first so I could fix it, I would be ****ED if they brought in someone else. I'd say the RA is for when the roommate refuses to listen or try to work through the problem- give her a chance before bringing in mediation.</p>

10

<p>I agree that you should bring it up yourself first before resorting to the RA. Just mention that the bathroom is a smelly mess and that you're not cool with always having to clean up after them. With so many extra people, it can be hard for you to use the bathroom -- you don't have to tell them to leave, but you CAN request that they simply try to be a bit cleaner and to not use the bathroom all the time when you need it. It's <em>not</em> unreasonable for them to understand that having so many people share the bathroom makes things difficult, especially considering how messy things are.</p>

<p>If they continue the same behavior, and the bathroom still smells, you can even make a more declarative statement: "It smells like puke in here. Can you guys please try to clean up after yourselves?" And if that doesn't work, then resort to the RA.</p>

<p>I'd also advise to never specifically mention bulimia.</p>

11

<p>._. I am very bad at talking to people.</p>

<p>So just now, my roommate and I went to talk to the suitemate. We were still having trouble figuring out how to bring up the issue, so we decided just to say, "do you know what that smell that's been coming from the bathroom is? It was pretty bad last night and we don't know where it's coming from, have you smelled anything like that before?"</p>

<p>Well, she just said that her friend had stored some food under the bed in her room and it was making her room smell bad and it was probably making the suite hall smell bad.</p>

<p>While this may be true (since the whole place did reek last night), the bathroom problem has been consistent. Also it smells better today after we poured Drain-o everywhere.</p>

<p>I tried to turn the conversation back by being like, "well it's been smelling pretty bad a lot lately," but she was just like, "I'm sure it was the food and not the bathroom at all."</p>

<p>Augh. >.> Now I don't know how I would possibly bring it up again...</p>

12

<p>
[quote]
Now I don't know how I would possibly bring it up again...

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Don't be this way! You seem to be almost scared of this roommate and what she might think of you. But the roommate poses a very legitimate concern to you and your other two suitemates. If she is causing problems, she should be directly addressed about it. You are not being rude or mean by doing this, you are showing that you are concerned about the quality of the space in which you paid to live. And of course, you have EVERY right to be concerned about that!</p>

<p>Instead of politely trying to tiptoe your way into the issue, the three of you should politely but firmly ask to have a real talk and be direct with the roommate. Be understanding with her as she might be going through some real problems, but also let her know that it's not fair you should suffer because of her and her friends' problems, and that you're not so dumb that you'd go along with her excuses. </p>

<p>If I were you, I'd go with my other two roommates and just be straight-forward with our concerns with her-- don't be afraid of asserting yourselves because three people shouldn't have to put up with the problems of one. If things still don't change or she continues to deny a real issue, then it's time to go to the RA. </p>

<p>Good luck Hanajima.</p>

13

<p>^Part of the reason I'm afraid of annoying this suitemate is that she and her friends already aren't very nice. As I've mentioned they're barely courteous (actually, her friends are downright rude, though she herself will be polite when addressed directly), and I think that they could really make our lives unpleasant if we made them mad.</p>

<p>So, I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but how do I be direct? If it were just the uncleanliness that was at issue, I feel that I could, but since the bad smell is the real problem, I'm having trouble approaching it directly. It concerns me that I don't have any physical evidence. Should I say something like, "are you or one of your friends puking in the bathroom?" </p>

<p>o.o;;</p>

<p>Thanks again for the replies!</p>

14

<p>Don't be passive aggressive. Just go out there and tell them what you think. It's the only way.</p>

15

<p>I wouldn't confront her directly. I would recommend a suite meeting, at which you can all discuss (without any individual blame) the fact that living in a suite requires setting certain boundaries. These include the cleanliness of the bathroom, as well as visitor policies. these should be agreed on and followed by all members of the suite. make it clear that if the suite can't follow these agreements you'll bring in an RA. avoid making it personal in any way. and follow through on bringing in the RA if things don't get better.</p>

16

<p>This would bother me too, Hanajima, and I understand your unwillingness to speak to them about this. Unfortunately, you really must. I assume your roommate agrees with you, so be sure to discuss the "confrontation" with her ahead of time so you can give each other moral support.</p>

<p>Here is a suggestion from an old conflict management class I took: give them a "hamburger sandwich". This means a 3-part message:</p>

<p>1) white bread - say something nice but true
2) meat - make your request
3) white bread - end with something nice but true</p>

<p>Here's just one example:</p>

<p>1) "Thanks for taking time to meet about the bathroom. I know we all have busy schedules."</p>

<p>2) "I'm really concerned about the bed smell in the bathroom. It's been there for the last two weeks and I'm worried that someone - a suitemate or visitor - has a health problem that is causing it to smell so bad. I need to ask you - all of us, actually - to not let visitors use our bathroom. Will you be willing to limit the use of our bathroom to only the 4 of us?"</p>

<p>[Pause until they answer. Do NOT offer any more explanation at this point.]</p>

<p>[Some negotiating may ensue after they answer, so know ahead of time what you will accept - no visitors for the next month, no visitors until next semester, etc.]</p>

<p>If they say ok, then:</p>

<p>3) "Thanks, I/we appreciate it. I want the 4 of us to be able to share a clean, decent-smelling bathroom. Thanks for being willing to work this out."</p>

<p>If they say no, then:</p>

<p>"Please understand that I/we think this situation is serious enough that we will ask the RA for assistance if we can't resolve it ourselves. Are you willing to try to resolve it by limiting the use of our bathroom to the 4 of us for the rest of the semester?"</p>

<p>If no, then:</p>

<p>"It sounds like you feel strongly about this. We do as well. Because we're at an impasse, Jane and I are going to ask the RA for help. I hope this problem can eventually be resolved to suit all 4 of us."</p>

<p>Then get up and leave. No apologies, no lost tempers, just making a request and stating facts. Then talk to the RA at your earliest opportunity.</p>

<p>Just one other thing from that conflict resolution class... Triangulate the problem. That is, try not to think of the problem as something that is between you and your suitemate; rather, try to think of the problem as a third point in a triangle. So the problem is not you or your suitemate; the problem is the dirty, smelly bathroom (or possibly even the bulimia) and it is the job of you and your suitemate to somehow reach agreement to address that problem.</p>