Hello!
I am currently a sophomore in college. I have made a few friends on campus but really don’t feel like I have a solid group of friends like most of the other people in my grade seem to have. There are a couple of people that I hang out with a bit, but I don’t see them as the true friend group that I really want. I have lived on campus both years, but spend a lot of time and weekends off campus at my boyfriends house. (we’ve been together since I was a senior in high school.) I feel as though this has somewhat caused me to not make as many friends as I could have my freshman year. I’m strongly considering moving in with him next fall (i’m studying abroad all summer, so I will have the chance to be independent for 3 months), but am worried that this will further isolate me from the campus community and the chance to make new friends. However, at the same time I’m excited to move off campus and live with him. I can’t live on campus next year because I missed the deadline to apply for housing, and none of my other friends are getting apartments/houses so the only other place I could live would be with my parents or by myself. I guess I just need advice on how to make friends when most people seem to have already found their clique, and if i should move in with my boyfriend.
Sorry for the long post, thanks for any advice.
Have you joined any clubs/organizations/volunteering opportunities?
Hmmm, I am sensing some doubt here. I absolutely do not think you should move in with your boyfriend. I absolutely think part of your friend issue is because you spend all your weekends with your boyfriend. The message that your college freinds get, whether you realize it or not, is that you don’t need them. Why should they make an effort investing in friendships with you, because your boyfriend is clearly the priority.
On reading it again, you are emphasizing repeatedly in your post that you want more opportunties to make friends. It’s almost as though the boyfriend is secondary. I imagine that if you move in with him, you are going to be further divested from your college experience and further divested in friendships. Do you want friends and a boyfriend? As it stands, I don’t see that happening to your satisfaction if you move in with him. I see this causing your relationship to deteriorate. What happens if you break up? Back home to mom and dad, right?
In your shoes, I would go to the housing office on campus and ask what options you have. Maybe they CAN offer to find you housing. Maybe it isn’t too late. Maybe they can match you up with someone else who left it a bit late. But at least go find out. And try spending a couple of a Saturday nights not with your bf. Invite someone to go for a coffee, join a study group, get involved in more campus clubs. Is your boyfriend also in college with you? Invite him to meet some of your friends. Arrange a group outing and include him.
You don’t have to end your relationship, but moving in with him is a bad idea, because its clear that you want more socially than he can offer.
Weekends are when college students typically have more free time and do “fun stuff”. You’ve missed doing those things with people because you’re simply not there. You will have to work hard at being available for social activities and other things if you really want them. That likely means you will have to start by being on campus during the weekends and initiating activities with people you’d like to be more friendly with. Laying it out to people will also help - tell them you realize you have spent too much time with your boyfriend and want to be do things with them, develop friendships. And then DO IT. Don’t cancel out on people when you commit to doing something with them. You won’t get a lot of 2nd chances if you give mixed signals about balancing your time between the friends you’re trying to make and BF - or if it looks like the BF can pull your strings and you jump.
Living with boyfriend>living alone>living with parents IMO. However, it’s only going to exacerbate the issue you’re having. Is there any chance you can find a couple friends to live with and rent a small house or big apartment?
As per the title of the thread, I believe that is the problem…
What about boyfriend’s friends?
I have, I’m in two clubs. I have made friends this way but we really don’t hang out off campus that much.
Most of my friends are living on campus, and I can’t because I signed up too late (there’s already an issue with on campus housing not being able to house all of the students.) The friends that I have that are already living off campus already have plans to live with their friends next year and I’m not sure that I could just be added into those plans/know them well enough to live with them.
Most of my boyfriend’s friends moved away and went to college in other cities. He really doesn’t have too many friends in town.
I have talked to on campus housing and they have emphasized that there is just not enough space on campus to house all students and since I applied late, I should begin to look for off campus housing. I have spent some weekends on campus, but usually find that I hang out with friends who I am not /too/ interested in hanging out with. My boyfriend does not go to college, he works full time. I have invited him to meet some of my friends, and we sometimes go to parties together but usually I do not get invited to many parties so it’s hard for us to have social events to go to. I am involved in campus clubs just find it hard to balance school/studying, work, and a boyfriend as well as hanging out with other people off campus. I’m not totally unhappy with my social life - I have a few friends that I enjoy. I guess my real problem is that I am just worried that moving off campus will somehow make me have less friends. Although it seems that whether I live with him or not, I will be living off campus.
I have been on campus some weekends but usually just hang out with the friends that I’m not too interested in hanging out with. All of the other people that I would like to hang out with during this time seem to already have formed friend groups that they go out with and when I hang out with all of them I do not feel totally a part of the group.
Answer an ad on a campus notice board for people looking for a roommate. Somebody at your college is looking for roomies.
I am even more convinced about sensing doubt on your part. Your BF works full time. It seems that he has not been to college then? And you are going abroad for the summer. Moving in with him will be, frankly, a disaster in my opinion. You can stay together, but living together isn’t going to work. Your life is absolutely, unequivocally being constrained by your relationship. He doesn’t have many friends. You want more friends. Your boyfriend makes you feel that it is awkward to spend more time with people or to make new friends.
Please read through your posts once more. You have used the word friends at least 20 times, not that I am counting. You want a better social life with more friends. You basically are not going to have that with your boyfriend. You love your boyfriend, but I feel your desire to have a more fulfilling social life is preying on your mind. You know what I am going to suggest, but I am not going to say it. Find housing off campus with another college student who is looking for a roommate. There has to be lots of people needing roommates. Go do your study abroad, and I suspect your path will become clear.
You have a boyfriend and are studying abroad for an entire summer. Sounds like you’re doing fine.
General thoughts:
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During Orientation, go to as many activities as you can. Ask people in your hall way if they are going. Introduce yourself…they are looking for friends too. “Hey, I am Pat…what are you majoring in?”
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Go to the Activities Fair and sign up for a bunch of clubs that are of interest. They may not all pan out, but don’t eliminate anything yet. If you are into music/D&D/running/church/whatever, you can find other people who are interested too. Service clubs are great because you spend time working together.
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Talk to the people on your floor…Get some cookies and offer them “Hey I have cookies, anyone want some?” and then strike up a conversation about where they are from, what they are majoring in, etc. People like to talk about themselves…let them. Don’t make it too long…move on to others.
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At dinner time, ask your roommate/people on your hall if they are going to dining hall. Go with them. See if people in your dorm generally sit in the same area… Join them.
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Go to any dorm activities your RA has set up. If you are still having issues, talk to your RA. See if they have ideas. If not suggest that they have one. Maybe a movie and pizza?
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Join your dorm’s intramural (or any intramural) team.
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Talk to others in your classes…exchange numbers so that if either of you miss you can exchange notes… Ask what someone got on a homework question (that you did too)…once you get to know them, ask if they want to form a study group.
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If this isn’t working, go to the Counseling Center…they are ready to help freshman this time of year. Don’t think you are a loser because you have to go…this is something you pay for! Get the benefit! You may need to learn some new social skills. They may also have group talks on Homesickness or fitting in.
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Go to ongoing campus activities…concerts/movies/lectures/parties. Invite someone/group of people or just sign up and meet people for activities that might be off campus.
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See if your dorm/floor has a GroupMe Group set up…otherwise suggest to someone who is extraverted that it might be a good idea. Then people can send a group text that they are showing a movie in the lounge or are baking cupcakes in the kitchen.
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Get an on campus job…you meet people there
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Join a service group
You may notice that all of these things take some action…they are not passive. You have to take initiative. But the risk is small…if someone says no, then just say “Maybe another time”.