I miss my mommy =(

Parents Forum
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<p>I'm in my fourth year of missing my little baby girl, and I'm about to see my youngest leave the nest. I used to tell her that I would know I had been a successful parent when she didn't need me any more. Oh well, success has its down sides. At least she loves to come home for the major holidays.</p>

<p>I'm not the kind to want to talk on the phone every day, and D is the kind who never wants to talk on the phone. She does, however, use IM all day every day, and leaves very detailed away messages. I know when she wakes up, when she goes to class, when she's working on a big project, when she's doing laundry, when she's playing frisbee or broomball, when she's going to a party. Every now and then there's something we need to talk about, one of us messages the other, and--bammo--there she is. I don't abuse this privilege by over-communicating, and she knows that I see her away messages just as all her friends do. But having those silly IM noises pop into my consciousness all the time reminds me that she's still alive and thriving. </p>

<p>Try it. Teach you family members to use IM, if they don't already. It might be very comforting for you to see an away message that says: "Taking Rover for a walk" or "baking cookies for the theater bake sale."</p>

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<p>Thanks, everyone, for the kind words! My parents have my screenname, but aren't really that "up on" technology, so I rarely see them online =( I called my mom and talked to her today and felt a LOT better.</p>

<p>What confuses me is that when other people were having a hard time, right at the beginning of school, I was totally fine, didn't really have any problems. But it's really tough for me NOW for some reason...</p>

<p>As for going home, we don't really have the money for me to fly home cross country for things like fall break/Thanksgiving/etc (as of next year, my parents will have two kids in private colleges and one in private school. Money in our family is primarily going towards education, there isn't a lot left over for "extras") I always feel a lot better when I talk to my mom, though it made me really sad, because my 11 y/o sister got on the phone and started excitedly telling me about her first school dance, and my mom told all this stuff about how she had looked so cute, and so excited, and I wished I could have seen it!</p>

<p>But I REALLY appreciate all the comments - they make me feel a lot better about the separation. Thanks, guys!</p>

43

<p>Maybe your little sister can help your parents with technology. A web-cam and a hook-up with Skype would give you visuals with your phone conversations. Or your sister could maybe e-mail photos of her first dance. Some of this stuff is really cheap to do and can make it seem like you're in touch when you're far away.</p>

44

<p>You know, becchalk, we each process things differently, according to our own makeup. I, for example, am terrific to have around in an emergency: I keep my head and proceed calmly and efficiently. Then, once the emergency passes, I fall apart. I'm a mess. </p>

<p>Maybe you were dealing with all the initial demands posed by a new home, new people, new food, new schedule, new everything. And you rose to the challenge. And then it was your turn to do your version of falling apart. Also, don't forget or minimize the impact of that little strep infection!</p>

<p>Be kind to yourself. Don't give yourself a hard time for missing the people you love, but don't cut yourself off from the opportunities to really make a life for yourself where you are now. It's not disloyal. This is just one of the first of many transitions you are likely to make in the adventure that is your life. It won't always be easy, but you will get better at it.</p>

<p>All the best-
Mafool</p>

45

<p>I remember being a homesick freshman and I didn't even go that far away (although 6 hours ends up being further away when you have parents who refuse to spend the money on gas to come out and you just don't have the money for airfare). My parents have yet to be at a Parent's Weekend, a football game, or other major life events because they just couldn't afford it. I don't know where you're actually from, but one thing that helped me was finding people who were from the same area and talking to them, especially if they were upperclassmen. Usually at least someone else has been through the same thing. I'm sure at your school there's someone else who's from your area, especially if it's a well-known school.</p>

46

<p>Also-- nothing is set in stone. If by the end of the school year you're STILL feeling this way, you could consider a transfer. It might be difficult, but it's something to think about.
Would you truly be happier at a different school, closer to home? Just knowing that you have options might make you feel better, and you may even realize that you're happy or settled right where you are.</p>

47

<p>
[quote]
What confuses me is that when other people were having a hard time, right at the beginning of school, I was totally fine, didn't really have any problems. But it's really tough for me NOW for some reason

[/quote]
Each of is our own unique package and deals with things in our own unique way. It took me about a semester to adjust to college and really be happy there. And until I read your comments I never would have described my experience this way ... there were two periods that were tough for me ... the first week or two was VERY tough as my shyness kept me from meeting other people and it seemed like everyone else was out ab about having fun ... then things were OK for a month or so and then I hit another valley; essentially a lot of little things cumlatively built up so late October early November was a low point also. Interestingly going home for Thanksgiving really got me over the hump ... I loved seeing my fmaily and HS friends; but hanging with the HS crowd and current HS friends really highlighted the differences about being in college; almost all of which favored college ... all I needed was my circle of friends ... which started really developing late my first semester and was reallly rolling at the start of my sophomore year.</p>

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<p>becchalk--As the mother of a daughter who is looking at a school very far from home, and whom I know will be as homesick as you are (maybe moreso!), I found your post very illuminating. I know that this is a huge growing experience for the student and for the family, but boy is it going to be hard for us! We live in Brunswick, Maine, by the way, and if you haven't a place to go for Thanksgiving, you are welcome in our home! I don't know Bates too well but I know Bowdoin very well. At Bowdoin they have an outing club that is really great for meeting other students and it's one of those things that you can opt out of easily if you are in a crunch. They go sea kayaking, hiking, skiing (can you ski?), etc. There are lots of beautiful beaches and shoreline parks too that will be familiar sights for you. Good luck, and remember the invitation is always out there for a home-coooked meal, anytime!</p>

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<p>I've never been majorly homesick, but my parents went off on holiday today so I probably won't be able to talk to them for the next two weeks. Missing them now!</p>

<p>I was similar to 3togo - going home for Christmas and seeing friends and such really showed me the differences and I found myself missing college!</p>

50

<p>becchalk-</p>

<p>Please SERIOUSLY CONSIDER taking Donna101 up on her offer! She's not "just being nice." One great thing about a community like this is that we not only want to take care of our own kids, but many of us want to help out everyone else's. One of the comforts to me, while my baby boy is 14 hours away, is knowing that a relative of an in law (!) is in his town and is available to him. I'd bet that your mother would be comforted to know that you had a place to go for Thanksgiving.</p>

<p>And, if you don't ski, this is a terrific time to learn! (well, maybe not just yet.)</p>

<p>All the best-</p>

<p>Mafool</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I was similar to 3togo - going home for Christmas and seeing friends and such really showed me the differences and I found myself missing college!

[/quote]
for me college was such a great growth time .. Christmas break was HUGE as I surprised as I realized I felt I was visiting at my parents and wanted to get back to "home" which was school ... looking back this is interesting as I was still adjusting to college and only had a couple real friends and had not yet met my "lifetime" friends I would eventually meet at college ... but by winter break it was home warts and all and the place I wanted to be to figure out who I wanted to be.</p>

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<p>Home with my parents always felt like "home" to me until I was married in my 30s. College, grad school etc. felt comfortable and I was "at home" there too, but there was still a difference--a kind of tentative rather than a "forever" feeling, a good place to hang out for now but not where my roots were. Also, home with my parents was New York City and no other place on earth has ever felt quite as "real" to me as The City. By comparison, my college campus was fairly rural and felt like being "on a retreat" --a place to study, meditate, commune with peers and with nature.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Home with my parents always felt like "home" to me until I was married in my 30s. College, grad school etc. felt comfortable and I was "at home" there too, but there was still a difference--a kind of tentative rather than a "forever" feeling, a good place to hang out for now but not where my roots were

[/quote]
interesting ... and while I love reading situations on CC I believe everyone's life is web of many different issues intersecting at a point of time. My previous post was longer and I cut it off ... the part I left off ... about why I believe college felt like "home" ... I love my parents and appreciate them but it is not a warm fuzzy place for me ... by the end of high school I knew I wanted a very different life for myself when I grew up. This made my college experience both eaiser and harder ... easier as I wanted to leave home and get out on my own so I did not have much pull home ... harder, because while I knew I wanted my life to be different than my parents I did not know what I wanted it to be ... so my late teens and early 20s were spent wandering seeking my way. It's a path which looks TERRIFIC in the rear view mirror as I had a lot of great experiences and met a lot of great people; however along the way there were a lot of tough times when I didn't have the self-confidence to deal with not knowing where I was headed or with the feeling of not fitting in.</p>

<p>Reading kids strings in CC about their struggles I think we often simplify their journey and that these kids lives are all unique and complex and require more understanding than this forum can give them ... hopefully among the rplies a few hit home and help them out.</p>

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<p>amen, 3togo</p>

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<p>Yes, I was "casting about" for so many years. Maybe that's what we just keep doing, but it can feel easier with age and experience. Not like we know it all, but hopefully we have some perspective from which to view it.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Reading kids strings in CC about their struggles I think we often simplify their journey and that these kids lives are all unique and complex and require more understanding than this forum can give them ... hopefully among the rplies a few hit home and help them out.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Parents are on their own journeys, too.</p>

<p>During the six years when my husband (at that time, my fiancee) and I were in college and graduate school, the following things happened:</p>

<ol>
<li>My already-divorced mother remarried.</li>
<li>My mother and her new husband moved to a distant part of the country.</li>
<li>My fiancee's parents divorced.</li>
<li>My fiancee's mother remarried.</li>
<li>My father moved.</li>
<li>My fiancee's mother movied to a distant part of the country.</li>
<li>My mother and stepfather moved again.</li>
<li>My fiancee's father remarried.</li>
<li>My fiancee's mother died.</li>
</ol>

<p>Within six years, the families the two of us grew up in had changed to the point where they were essentially unrecognizable. And we weren't the ones who had caused any of those changes!</p>

<p>Sometimes kids can't go home again -- because the home they knew doesn't exist anymore.</p>

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<p><<....hopefully among the replies a few hit home and help them out.>></p>

<p>I think that's what makes this forum valuable--if many of us answer with different viewpoints, it increases the likelihood that a troubled young poster will be able to find a few responses that he/she can relate to and wil also learn that there are many ways to tackle challenging life experiences.</p>

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<p>I'm an only child so I came from a family where I received tons of attention and support when I had problems. </p>

<p>When I went to school, I had little self-confidence (though at the time I didn't fully understand what that meant or entailed). College was a huge shock for me because suddenly I was surrounded in all of my peers ALL of the time. So when I read your "At my best" statement, I could relate. I used to get self-conscious just seeing a guy or girl my age in a grocery store, let alone EVERYWHERE in college. </p>

<p>But the point is, you want people to like you for YOU. And they will. And I think the biggest and easiest way to make close friends is to be confident and sure of yourself. Try to be that person who really doesn't care what you look like in the morning, as long as you're clean. People will see and be attracted to your confident attitude. You have to really believe in yourself.</p>

<p>Don't think twice about approaching a classmate after class just to say hi or starting up a friendly conversation with someone you don't know. If you aren't nervous about it and don't think twice, and just relax and be yourself (stay calm and comfortable because you know it won't be the end of the world, whatever happens), most people will warm right up to you. Try joking around and pretending that you're talking to a friend from home. </p>

<p>Secondly, pamper yourself as much as possible. Everytime I shower, instead of thinking in my head that I'm stepping into a less-than-cozy apartment shower, I think about how I'm taking good care of myself. Stay organized, buy yourself a cup of hot chocolate when you want it and keep your room as clean as your mom used to keep it. Growing up is subconsciously becoming your own mom. </p>

<p>Realize, also, that you don't need a home to be okay. Seriously, it's taken me forever to realize that. Just keep pushing forward. </p>

<p>And as everyone else has posted, STAY BUSY. I know it's cliche to say this, but join a political or religious organization. Why do people always say these two things? Because they're things people really care about, and if you can have something else on your mind like making a difference, it really will make your day to day problems seem less important.</p>

<p>And lastly, do little cozy things with your roommates or even by yourself. Last night I made my roommates carve pumpkins with me. They got bored and stopped but I kept going. Growing up doesn't mean that childhood ends.</p>

<p>When I first went home I felt like everyone was enjoying college and I felt like the odd person out. It turns out, now that we've all grown older, all of us admit a little homesickness to each other once in a while. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. </p>

<p>Believe that you are good inside, even if you don't know "who you are". This will help you relax and stop caring what others think. </p>

<p>Anyway, my heart goes out to you.</p>

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<p>Nicole, I love your message, it goes for everyone, not only college students.</p>

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<p>I really encourage you to find someone at college you can talk to about being homesick. Anyone in your dorm seem like a really good listener? Anyone who was homesick themselves? If you can open up to even one person, ideally a few, you will probably find that you aren't alone. If you are religious, finding someone of your same religious background who can pray with you might really help. While you might know that on one level, that there must be other homesick students, somehow actually talking to students who are in the same boat can make a huge difference. A discussion like that could even lead to a good friend which would probably also help. I wasn't personally all that homesick at the beginning of the year, but when I got back from winter break I got homesick (probably also related to being sick at the time). I'm now sick, and have several "I want my mommy" moments recently. Different people experience it at different times. Forming close friendships might take a while. Your experience with friendships sounds a lot like my initial experience at college. I don't think it was until the end of fall quarter that I realized I had a good friend, and it wasn't until spring quarter that we became really close friends. I wasn't really part of any particular group of friends around the dorm, but instead hung out with various people in the dorm. It sounds like it's possible that for you, like it is with me, individual close friendships are more valuable than just group "friendships" (prefer hanging out one-on-one vs in a group sort of thing). If so, those friendships just take a while to form. They WILL happen. In the meantime it helps to talk to friends from back home online or on the phone and to go out and try to meet more people while getting to know a smaller subset of the people you've met on a deeper level.</p>