<p>My good friend is going through a really hard time with her daughter. She is a junior in college and refuses to go back to the school she is attending. She does not talk to their parents, and doesn't want to explain to them the reason why she doesn't want to go back. She is enrolled in Purdue University, and I suggested my friend to perhaps put the semester on hold, keep her daughter at home, and seek psychological help for her.
Can she put the semester on hold at Purdue University?
Does anyone have a suggestion?
She is desperate, and to make things worse, her husband refuses to listen to any suggestions other than send her back to college again.</p>
<p>Your friend should take care of herself and make sure she has a good support system in place for herself. She can’t do anything about her daughter, who is an adult, and she can’t do anything about her husband not listening, but she can make sure she is okay.</p>
<p>When she pulls her energy away and back into her own life, then, perhaps, she will get a new perspective. And, yes, she can withdraw her daughter from school if she is the one paying the bills. But she can’t do anything about it if she is not.</p>
<p>[Purdue</a> University: Undergraduate Studies Program: Academic Policies and Procedures: Withdrawal and Readmission](<a href=“http://www.purdue.edu/usp/acad_policies/withdrawal_readmission.shtml]Purdue”>http://www.purdue.edu/usp/acad_policies/withdrawal_readmission.shtml)</p>
<p>I don’t think you understood, or I may have not expressed myself clearly… Her daughter is the one experience a hard time… My friend doesn’t know why, and her daughter doesn’t want to explain. It seems her daughter is depressed and does not want to go back to college, but doesn’t explain why! My friend is afraid to send her back to college the way she is now, and I don’t blame her.</p>
<p>That would worry me. She won’t go bacK and also won’t say why? Nothing about that sounds right. Have they seen her grades? Assuming she didn’t do terribly (like badly enough to be on academic probation but unwilling to say so) then it sounds like something is wrong. Could there be a bad relationship?
I think first off your friend needs to call the dean of students and see what options they have, and what financial obligations they will have for the semester if she takes it off. She also needs to know what paperwork is required. it may be worth asking if there are options like community college classes if she does stay home, and finding out what restrictions or guidelines they would need to follow. In other words explore all options and cover all bases the mother can think of with respect to Perdue.
The daughter is going to have to give an explanation, but since Dad seems unwilling to listen, can your friend get the girl alone somewhere and see if she can get her to open up? Maybe explaining at she has contacted the school and telling the student what she has learned about not returning will make the D believe she is getting some support from her mom and will help?
At some point it’s silly to force this. If the kid doesn’t want to be there, adamantly, she is not going to be successful and a poor semester could well impact her options in the fall or whenever she decides to try to finish her degree, whether at her current school or another one.</p>
<p>It’s a shame that your friend’s daughter does not want to talk to her parents about what’s troubling her at Purdue. It doesn’t sound like YOU really need advice though. You’ve contributed a sound recommendation. She and her husband disagree about how it should be handled, and the young lady does not wish to discuss it. Obviously they can’t FORCE an adult to go back if she doesn’t want to. It’s for their family to work out.</p>
<p>I think 89wahoo is on the right track. There are a lot of students that crash and burn before the end of the semester. It would be helpful to know if that is the case here.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advise… I did not think about the grades and probation thing, and even though I don’t think that is the case, it is wise to figure it out.
Thanks!!!</p>
<p>No. I really do understand.</p>
<p>But, the mother might not be able to actually do anything in this situation, and what she needs to do is to make sure she takes care of herself. I understand the daughter is having a hard time and the husband is not listening to her. This is a challenging situation and the mother needs to make sure she takes care of herself.</p>
<p>When the child becomes an adult, it is trickier than when they are kids. Nobody should force the young woman to go back to school, obviously. Hopefully the father will “get” this before it becomes a blow up situation, but you just never know.</p>
<p>I hope this isn’t the case. But could something really bad have happened to her at school ( not grade related) that would cause her to not want to go back? and she just hasn’t told her parents about it?</p>
<p>Yes, I was wondering what the dad plans… to force her into the car? Likely there will be a big dust up when the day comes to pack and go back. But I doubt he will be able to actually force her to go. Agree that the mom may be caught in the middle of this (and depending on the family dynamics, that may not be a safe place to be).</p>
<p>I think the mom should contact the university and see what the options are for her D to withdraw for a semester. Then… maybe take a shot at a family meeting with those options on the table, and try to get the D to talk about a plan. I do see something of the dad’s perspective that they need to try to get the D to talk about the issues in order to determine a plan for going forward. Gap semester? Does she need medical or psychiatric treatment? Does she plan to transfer? I guess the mom should talk with the dad before, and ask how he intends to force the D to go back. If he can see that this won’t work, then maybe she can convince him to simmer down and join in a discussion about moving forward. I wonder if the D has clammed up because she is afraid of her dad’s reaction.</p>
<p>If the H is really unreasonable, then the mom may need to have this conversation on her own with the D. Hopefully the D will talk if the mom has some options on the table for her to consider. :(</p>
<p>
Your friend should absolutely contact the dean. This person knows college students and knows how to help.</p>
<p>My niece packed up and went home after only 6 weeks of college - literally appearing at her home with no warning at all. It was months before she spoke about her reasons for leaving. When she did, it was clear that some were fixable (had she wanted to fix them) but some weren’t.</p>
<p>My advice would be to have Mom and DD arrange a formal withdrawal or leave of absence from Purdue, and for Mom to encourage DD to discuss her reasons for leaving with a safe disinterested party. If something really bad happened, that party could direct her to the appropriate legal, medical, or social services. DD should also be encouraged to find a job.</p>
<p>If Dad cannot have DD in the house because he thinks she “needs” to be at Purdue, then someone should offer DD a place to live for a bit while Dad comes to his senses.</p>
<p>Is the student an international or child of immigrants? </p>
<p>does she live in the US or abroad? If she’s from the US, is she from Indiana?</p>
<p>If possible, the student should find out if she can skip a semester (leave of absense), figure out what is wrong, and maybe return in the fall.</p>
<p>It sounds like one of the following:</p>
<p>Student is majoring in something that she doesn’t like, and doesn’t feel that she can change her major. Are her parents expecting her to major in a certain major or pursue a particular career? Engineering? Medicine?</p>
<p>Student isn’t doing well in college.</p>
<p>Student isn’t “fitting in” and making friends.</p>
<p>Was the student a freshman? Does she have friends at this school?</p>
<p>A junior in college suddenly refusing to go back sounds alarming. If there were not major academic or social problems before it is doubtful that they suddenly appeared. It is unfortunately more likely that something really bad is going on, either a mental health issue or something very bad happened at school. Maybe DD was assaulted or bullied in some profound way.</p>
<p>There is no choice but to honor the DD’s request to not go back. Mom should help her withdraw in a way that allows her to go back to school at either Purdue or elsewhere after a semester off. Dad needs to be told that he should be more worried than angry, and there need to be ground rules if DD is going to live at house. For example she must get a job, and must agree to talk to a counselor to give her some perspective on where she is and what she should do next. Hugs to your friend and her daughter - not easy.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the suggestions. I have talked to my friend and expressed pretty much the same things that every one has said here. My friend thinks that her daughter is feeling lonely because the majority of her friends graduated already and she has no one to be with. However, I think it is something bigger than that, and I tend to think it is related to her major, but her daughter refuses to talk.
1012mom your advise is wise and I will talk to my friend today.
By the way, she is a citizen, but her parents are living abroad because of her dad’s job.</p>
<p>^^My first thought when I read that was that perhaps she had been assaulted or was being stalked.</p>
<p>You are being a good friend. I’d like to emphasize the suggestion to call the dean.</p>
<p>My first thought also was that she was assaulted.</p>
<p>I hope the Mom can get her to open up; if she has been hurt in that way, repressing her feelings about it can only lead to further problems down the line. :(</p>
<p>I have a friend who went through something similar with her daughter. Each term, when the D had to return to school, she got very upset and said she didn’t want to go back. It was especially bad for fall terms, when she had been home all summer. With prodding, she returned each term and seemed ok once she was there. In Fall '12 though, once at school, she didn’t reassimilate to her school environment. She was struggling to get through each day and her parents were essentially providing support every hour to get her to go to her classes, eat, do homework, etc. Recognizing that this had become serious, they went and got her and brought her home. She’s been diagnosed with depression and has started on anti-depressants and is going to therapy. She isn’t sure what she’s going to do next. She was doing fine at school grade wise, until Fall '12, but isn’t sure she wants to return. They are giving some time for the meds to work to figure out what the next step should be. She will probably transfer to a school closer to home allowing her to commute. Her parents are pretty worried about pushing her out of the nest until they feel she’s more stable again.</p>