<p>R is in 1st semester at a small private college. She was very excited even though she did not get into the major she wanted. But twice since going she has called miserable. Hating life, no one likes her, never going to make it, school is unorganized - can't get the classes she needs etc. How much should I just brush off as first semester blues and how much should I try to help? should I call the counselor and find out about the class issue or let her deal with it?</p>
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Hating life
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<p>What does she mean by this?</p>
<p>If it were my child I would arrive on the scene and decide then.</p>
<p>Tell your daughter to go and speak to her counselor. And then to call you if she wants to discuss it afterward with you. She should talk about all of her concerns with the counselor. Perhaps they will have some useful tips for her. If you jump in she will not be able to handle things herself. Just my thoughts.</p>
<p>How long has she been at school?</p>
<p>She says she hates everything about life. Yes, she has talked about this before and talked about leaving this life before. That is what has me the most worried.</p>
<p>She has been in school since mid-August</p>
<p>I would say ask her if she wants you to do anything, if she wants you to come to her. Of course we want our children to handle things by themselves, but they don't have to handle EVERYTHING by themselves all at once. Wouldn't you have tried to help her if she had been miserable only a few short months ago, while she was still at home? They have enough to handle by themselves each day. If she is fairly close to home (mileage) and it is not too difficult for you to get there, that's what I would do. Trust yourself and trust the child. Ask her and see what the response is.</p>
<p>If she has talked about leaving this life, then you can't ignore this situation. You can talk to her about a leave of absence, and coming home to receive psychiatric care/counseling. So she misses a semester of school -- in the scheme of things, not a big deal. If your instincts and your past history with her are telling you that she may be suicidal, don't take any chances that this is simply homesickness. </p>
<p>Franglish's suggestion is a good one - go see her, and ask her if she wants to come home. Two calls are not a huge number of calls, so you might be misinterpreting a little. She could have called when really low about something, but the weeks that she didn't call may actually have been ok.</p>
<p>When you talk to her, keep reassuring her that things will get better, whether at this school or somewhere else. If she is adamant that she won't come home, then tell her that she can leave after the first semester, or after the first year, and start talking about options in a positive way (brochures of other schools, transfer apps for schools where her existing friends went, etc.) Give her positives to think about.</p>
<p>If you can encourage her to join a club or two (to help with the transfer application--perhaps), she may start to meet more fellow students with compatible interests, and may change her mind.</p>
<p>As many visits as possible are probably good too, even if she decides to stay. Again, you're giving her "outs." </p>
<p>Even if my kid wasn't suicidal, if my kid was that unhappy I'd remind them that their college choice doesn't have to be final...a kid doesn't have to look ahead to 3-4 more years of a bad fit, and many kids transfer so it's not a failure or a negative.</p>
<p>After hearing more details I concur with Neonzeus.</p>
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she has talked about this before and talked about leaving this life before. That is what has me the most worried
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<p>I don't know your child and I don't know if she uses this to get attention, but I would call the RA and just alert them that she is not dealing too well and to look in on her. In the meantime, ask her what specifically is she having a problem with and try to help her break it down into more manageable pieces. If she cannot handle things then I would meet up with her if at all possible and help her sort out things. If this is her first college experience, things can be overwhelming, especially if it is more than one thing that goes awry. It may seem larger than it is and often times things work itself out. By all means encourage her to handle things but keep the communications open with her.</p>
<p>How frightening and worrisome those calls must have been.</p>
<p>Has she been in therapy in the past?</p>
<p>"If she has talked about leaving this life, then you can't ignore this situation. You can talk to her about a leave of absence, and coming home to receive psychiatric care/counseling. So she misses a semester of school -- in the scheme of things, not a big deal. If your instincts and your past history with her are telling you that she may be suicidal, don't take any chances that this is simply homesickness. "</p>
<p>I agree that anyone who talks about suicide needs to be taken very seriously.</p>
<p>I suggest mandating that your D immediately come home and get the therapy/medication/physical evaluation that she needs. She may need to take the entire school year off in order to get the treatment that she needs.</p>
<p>If she is indeed seriously depressed that would skew her experience of everything including college, and certainly would put her life at risk.</p>
<p>I don't see this as something for you to evaluate since your D may seem fine in a visit, and no layperson is qualified to evaluate whether a person is suicidal.</p>
<p>She has been there since mid- August and only called twice about this .... Not daily calls so that's a good sign. Only you know your daughter and her moods and how seriously to take this, but two negative calls over 6 weeks is not extreme. It could be that she just needed an ear to vent her frustrations. Not unusual for a freshman to have adjustment problems. Unless your truly fear for her health and well-being, I would let her deal with this. Of course, if you start receiving daily calls ...</p>
<p>I agree that you should take her seriously. Hating life is different than hating her college. She needs to be evaluated by a psychologist as soon as possible. If she will go to a mental health counselor at school, that might be a first step, and if you can easily get to her college I would do that as well. If she balks at seeing someone, I would insist that she come home and schedule her transporation. This may be a serious cry for help. For many who suffer from depression, the first signs often begin around this age.</p>
<p>You know your daughter, but would you be posting if this were normal drama for her? Sometimes just having a supportive person to see once a week can make all the difference for a young person and keep minor depression from becoming a bigger problem. She could get this through the school most likely, but she does need to be evaluated.</p>
<p>"She has been there since mid- August and only called twice about this .... Not daily calls so that's a good sign. "</p>
<p>One can't conclude that lack of daily calls is a good sign. She could be too depressed to call daily. </p>
<p>Again: Anyone who is suggesting that life isn't worth living needs to be evaluated ASAP by a therapist. I believe that if a college student is saying that things are so bad that they would prefer to be dead, it's time for that college student to come home and get professional help at home.</p>
<p>First semester, small private college - if you feel comfortable calling then call.</p>
<p>It is difficult to get the tone and the amount of despair from the post - as a parent you have to judge that.</p>
<p>My daughter is miserable and hates her school and her life at her school but she isn't close to suicidal.</p>
<p>How far away are you?
Has she has any tests, papers and how did she do?
Ask open ended questions about her day - who did you sit with at breakfast? who have you met in classes etc.....
Does she have a cell? If you can't get her to call then send her text messages. Short ones - like have a good day. See if she responds.</p>
<p>I would be very concerned about her not getting classes. Not getting the major she wants? This doesn't sound like attention that small private schools normally bestow on their students.</p>
<p>So you have two issues - the school situation and your daughter being miserable. They could be connected or separate.</p>
<p>I had been in a similar situation with S a couple years ago. I had a very hard time gauging the seriousness of his mental state. He's never been much of a communicator, so judging anything from occasional phone calls was difficult at best. He typically shared more in emails. And in fact, in one of the emails, he said some things that moved me to action. Here's what I did (but not until sufficiently anguishing over it).</p>
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<li> I contacted the Counseling Office and discussed it with a professional there.<br></li>
<li> I then asked S to promise to go to an appointment which we arranged and figure things out from there.</li>
<li> I found I had a gut-wrenching NEED to see him face-to-face...to assess whether he looked ok, how did he sound in person, how did he respond to people around him etc. So I drove to his campus, but didn't tell him until I got there. I called him once I'd arrived (7 hour trip) to say I was in town and needed to see him. As you might expect, he was very surprised.</li>
</ol>
<p>He was able to get through this period and has subsequently done better each semester. Although he's never come out and said it directly, he's indirectly acknowledge he was glad I came. He's spoken of how I "was there for him". And I felt better knowing a professional was engaged. I also helped him with a housing issue while there as well as administrative stuff like making sure he dropped a class, and generally talked (and talked) over several cups of coffee. I was in town only a day and a half. But it was the best decision I could have made.</p>
<p>I know that others on this board (like Northstarmom) have significant experience dealing with an array of mental health situations. All I have is my own. But this is what worked for us. </p>
<p>You mentioned in your original post about when to "interfere". Maybe a better word here is "intervene". It's a tricky thing to judge and I understand your angst. But you know your child better than anyone here....if your gut instinct is waving the red flag, listen to it. </p>
<p>Please keep us posted--I'm glad you shared your story on this board. It certainly has been a help to me on many occasions.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your messages. I have reached out the school for help and will decide the next step from there.</p>
<p>Go see her...asap...she wants to see your face...and you need to see hers!!</p>