I need some advice

Student Lounge College Life
1

Ok I hope this is in the right area, I’ve never posted here before. I need some advice about living at home.

Backstory: I’ve been joint custody my whole life. When I started college I moved in full time with my dad because he lives close to the university and my mom recently moved out of the country. It’s been a year and I’m starting my sophomore year. This summer I took a bio class to get ahead. I work two part time jobs and am a full time college student. I have excellent grades and work very hard. However, my dad does not seem to see this. I am held to some crazy standards by him that I simply don’t understand. I have never partied or snuck out of the house. I am always where I say I am, yet it’s like he doesn’t trust me. I have a 10pm curfew every night even though my friends and boyfriend live 25-40 minuets away. So I always have to leave an hour before curfew to make it home.

His idea is that I will live here until I graduate, which I do not want. We have butted heads numerous times, especially when I tell him how I feel. It usually ends with him yelling and me crying. I love him so much and don’t know what to do. I am not allowed to have friends over when he isn’t home (including those I’ve been friends with for almost 10 years). This plus the curfew has resulted in me making zero friends in college since I can’t even go to college organized events if they’re too late in the evening.

I went to a 9pm movie with my boyfriend for our first date night in several weeks because we are both so busy with work and school. The showing we selected sold out and we decided to get tickets to the next one. I told my dad this, the time of the movie, what theater we were at, and that I would come straight home after. He completely freaked out and told me to come home. This was a movie I had been waiting for for months. After talking to my mom about what was going on, I told my dad that we already bought tickets and reiterated that I would come straight home and shut my phone off. He wasn’t furious when I got home but he was thuroughly annoyed and said it shouldn’t happen again. He also had to think about for a week if I could have 3 friends over to the house for my birthday. All we wanted to do was play card games, eat pizza, and watch Disney movies.

There are many other incidents but I won’t get into them as this post is already very long. I am on the younger side so he always pulls this card. I did not turn 18 until the very end of my first semester so I understand his protection. But he always says “when I was 18…” but when he was 18 he was a high school senior, not a college sophomore. When I got my second job he made me promise I wasn’t doing it to move out. So I just lied and said ok. I have almost 10k in savings because I want this move to be easy and be able to take care of things on my own. Ive been very strict with my spending to save this much. I plan to move the summer between sophomore and junior year into student living apartments.

My mom fully supports me in this and is even excited because she knows how hardworking and motivated I am to do this, and that I am very independent and can take care of myself. Because of all this work, I have no free time anymore and haven’t seen friends in months. I need to know how to tell him. I plan to do it after I turn 19 before applications start. I want him to support me because I love him so much. I want him to apartment hunt with me and be a part of this major step since my mom is now 2k miles away. Please help

2

Do you need him to fill out your FAFSA for financial aid? If so, you might need to put up with a couple more years of this. I’d assume he thinks he is protecting you. And honestly, sometimes young people aren’t very aware of dangers and risks.

I also don’t buy that his curfew is keeping you from making friends. You may not be going to parties with them at night — but your dad sure isn’t the only parent who has balked at that.

What about living in a dorm instead of an apartment next year? Would he go for that?

3

Well congrats Overworked. You sound like you know what to do to get where you want to be. Good job on saving money, and your plan to move out sounds reasonable. I’m curious: when you were in high school did you spend half time at moms house , half time at dads house? Joint custody can mean a few things. Just asking cuz it sounds like living under dads roof is new for dad- n maybe you.

4

He wouldn’t go for anything except me living at home I think. You bring up a great point about the curfew. Partying isn’t really my scene so he doesn’t need to worry about that. I say that curfew is keeping me from socializing because the evening/night is my only free time. I go to school all day, work the afternoons and early evenings 6 days a week. I’m gonna try a little harder to socialize and be involved this year but it still doesn’t change me wanting to move. I do not get any financial aid. The deal with my parents is that if I maintain full time status and get good grades, my college is paid for. If I slip, it’s goes away

5

I was almost half and half. But honestly I was at my moms a bit more than my dads. She lived in the town where I went to school my whole life and did a majority of raising me. I think that’s why she feels confident in my ability to do this. Especially since I was never really home my senior year because I was job shadowing and assisting someone who works in the field I want to go into. Probably over 300 hours were put in

6

Can your mom talk to your dad? Unless your mom is willing/able to pay for school without your dad’s help, you need to be careful. If your dad refused to help pay, how would you cover tuition?

7

They’ve had an agreement since they divorced that they would take turns every semester. I am not concerned about him taking away my tuition because he knows I would not be able to afford school. That is the last thing he would do because he wants me to be in school and succeed. My mom has graciously bowed out of being the middle man since I no longer live with her, and now that I’m an adult.

8

Does your Dad & Mom pay for college? If so, then you may have to think of this as your “job”…what you need to do to pay for college. Because if you move out, he might not pay. He may decide that you are leaving his home and are on your own and can pay for yourself. I can’t tell if he is overprotective or toxically trying to keep power over you. If the latter, he may use money to punish you.

I would consider talking to him…tell him you appreciate him paying for school, you understand he is being protective, now that you are an adult you are not going to have a 10pm curfew. You will agree to a midnight curfew and will let you let him know where you go.

or say that you have agreed to live at home, but you are still going to participate in college events. You could even have “find my friend” on your phone so he could see where you are.

Also start telling him rather than asking him about friends…“Dad, I am going to have 3 friends over for games and pizza on Saturday.”

If he says anytign then say “Dad, I am not sure what you want from me. You want an early curfew for a college student and want to know what I am doing…so when I have friends over, isn’t that what you want? for me to be home and you know exactly what I am doing?”

The sad part is he is driving you away from him so as soon as you graduate you will move far from his influence.

Also when you get back to school, talk to one of the counselors in the counseling center.

9

Has he met your friends and boyfriend? Does he like them? Any chance you could have them over while he’s there and all hang out together once or twice so he sees you for the mature person that you are? Or have you already tried that?

10

Second the idea of talking this out with a school counselor.

I have 2 trains of thought on your situation. I hope you will keep an open mind as you read.

  1. Ask your dad for a time to sit and talk. Ask him a couple of open ended questions about why he has these rules for you, and just LISTEN. Tell him you are not ready to respond immediately, but that you will carefully think over and get back to him in 3 days with any comments or additional questions.

Maybe your dad wants more time with you? Maybe he has a somewhat rational fear for your safety? Maybe he is hurt that you using him for an ATM and free room and board and nothing else? Yes, it is likely your relationship with him is stunted from the reality of divorce and splitting your time between two parents and two households. Is he trying to rebuild a real relationship with you? (In spite of the reality that what he is doing is not helping build anything?)

Your goal should be to get to his heart. Understanding his motivation, and finding out if he truly cares for you, or is jerking you around because he can, well that information is priceless. Taking that information to a counselor to unpack it and get help processing and designing a game plan for your future would be a positive step.

  1. Consider what your college life could be if you chose to stop working.

If you were not consumed with the number in your bank account, consumed with working the max hours so you could escape, imagine what you could do with your time and energy.

You could spend more time with your college friends on campus. You could join a club that meets in the afternoon. And you could have dinner with your dad occasionally. And you might develop a deeper relationship with your dad, which could lead to his trusting you more.

What if you chose to try it out for one semester, as an experiment, and see what happens. If 3/4 of the way through the semester, your dad has not softened his heart and his rules, then you have some real life facts to make decisions or changes for the following semester.

Right now, you seem to feel stuck, with only one doomed chance to escape. A counselor could help you talk through a variety of possible next steps, and help you see your situation from a different perspective.

College Student gets FREE RIDE to college. No debt, no student loans, and two parents who believe in the value of an education. Walking across the stage at graduation, you will be able to make choices for yourself, and you will not be loaded down in debt which might limit your future.

Best of luck to you as you navigate these rocky waters.

11

He has met them all. He’s seen my boyfriend many times as we have been together over a year. If he likes anyone? I have no idea. He doesn’t really show a lot of affection about anything and doesn’t socialize much

12

College always comes first. As soon as work becomes too much I quit. That’s my deal with my parents. I know for a fact he won’t take away tuition and use it as leverage. We got along so much better before I moved in full time. I think if I move out, I will have a better relationship with him. He won’t feel like he needs to be on me 24/7