<p>Hi, I'm a first year at a good LAC, and well lately I've been kinda of depressed. I mean I love my classes, I loved doing a fall sport, and the all of the things the LAC has for the students (study abroad, community service, and ect). The one thing I've been getting down at is my social life here. I mean I have found a few, nice people here, but there is a clicque of about 6 people who are really mean that are friends with the people that I am friends with. I've tried to be nice to them and smile, but they aren't friendly to me. On top of that, one of the girls who lives across from me really hates me now for some reason. I don't know what I did to her, but I still try to be nice, but she completely ignores me. I just haven't found my niche here, and where everyone has found their groups of friends, I'm still looking. Lately, I've been thinking of transfering to another LAC. So, I don't know what I should do?</p>
<p>If you spend some time reading on this forum, you will find you are not alone. Starting college can be extremely stressful. At best, your former social support is missing. At worst, the stress can precipitate a true clinical depression. You need to be honest with yourself and evaluate what you mean by "kinda . . depressed." If you are uncertain get some counseling. Most college provide really good support, but you have to ask for it. If you are adjusting well, but lonely and having trouble making friends, you are not alone. I think you will find that most parents will warn you about expecting a transfer to make an improvement. In fact a transfer can be very stressful and you will start over adjusting and trying to make friends in a new environment. It is not likely to be any better than dealing with your present situation. Everyone adjusts to college at a different rate. How well you do depends on your maturity, your prior experiences and your personality. As you are finding, the dorm life can be the most stressful and often unpleasant situation. It can be like living in a neighborhood. Your nearby neighbors may not end up being your best friends. You may just need to join some clubs and find activities you enjoy. Eventually you will find friends with similar interests.</p>
<p>I would not recommend transfering simply because some people are mean or indifferent to you.</p>
<p>Since you are happy with the LAC generally, and since you do have friends, my advice is: continue to seek and make new friends; start a new activity to fill up the time formerly used by your fall sport; and ignore people who are immature and uncivil. </p>
<p>You will always encounter people who are unaccountably indifferent or unfriendly. Don't let them get you down!</p>
<p>College life can be lonely, and one's social life can be a real negative at times. Keep in mind that if people are mean or seem to dislike you for no reason, that is a reflection on them, not you. They are probably unhappy for some reason. There are others around you who are lonely; try doing something nice for someone else every day. It could be as little as just saying hi to someone you usually don't notice. Join some new activities, be positive, try not to have expectations about what college "should be." My college experience was quite different than what I expected, and my daughter's experience has been equally unpredictable. </p>
<p>It can take awhile to truly find your "community" at college, and I do sympathize.</p>
<p>I could have written most of your post one year ago.</p>
<p>Just know that you are not alone in this - almost everyone has periods like this during their freshman year, even though i know it seems like they are all really happy.</p>
<p>I would guess that one year from now, you'll look back on this time, and see how much things have changed for you. That's definitely how I feel.</p>
<p>PS. If you transfer, it will only be harder - you'll be the newcomer, and everyone else will already have close friends.</p>
<p>Good advice here. Spend as much time as you can with the people you like. Cultivate others when you get a new set of classes next semester. Start lining up a roommate for next year and plan on continuing to build your network then, when you will have another new set of classes and a new "neighborhood."</p>
<p>Just go up to miss meany and say, "Hey, I want to take you out to lunch!" And ask where she thinks may be a great place to go. Then when you are out at lunch ask her lots of questions about life, aspirations, guys, etc. Chances are, the reason she is mean to you is she has not made an impression on you and this will satisfy her need. Consider the lunch a giving moment on your part, not about you, something nice you are doing for this needy person. Chances are once you two have a connection relations will be better. Then after you have the connection ask her advice about something. Of course, it may never work out or you may never care for her or these people but you made the effort!</p>
<p>This is just a suggestion as to how to make this work out for you. Of course there are other courses to take like finding more simpatico friends, joining organizations, etc. If however being part of this group is important to you, you need to be more proactive than just nice.</p>
<p>"Then after you have the connection ask her advice about something."</p>
<p>Great advice from backhandgrip!</p>
<p>Ben Franklin said that when he desired or needed a person to become more favorably disposed towards him, he would ask their advice. It was a poor idea, he thought, to offer to advise or help them. That would just make the person contemptuous of him. But if he asked their advice--then the person would suddenly realize what good judgment Franklin had!</p>
<p>I adore Ben Franklin. I used to work in his print shop on the press in colonial costume and I have some of his newpapers.</p>
<p>Sorry, cz.</p>
<p>The thing is with the advice I gave is there is the assumption she is a decent person. There are folks out there who would take you up on lunch and then stand you up. There are mean people out there who enjoy causing trouble.And peple who steal and will steal from you if they are given the chance.Be emotionally prepared and protect youself from that if it happens.</p>
<p>Get involved in some extracurriculars that match your interests. That usually is the way to meet like minded people on college campuses.</p>
<p>Don't transfer because of a few meanies. Wherever you go, there will be some mean people. You need to find ways of rising above such people.</p>
<p>Also, if those people are mean to you and your mutual friends are aware of this, the people whom you think are your friends are not. Friends don't maintain friendships with people who are mean to their friends.</p>
<p>hi thanks for the advice! After a few days, I've notice that the few people who would be friends with the friends in the mean clique aren't that close. I think its because one of my friends is really religious and the people in the mean clique like to get drunk and stuff, and of course, she doesn't. As far as the girl across the hall, she never goes to the dining hall, and I've tried being nice to her, but I've given up. To me its if you don't want to be my friend and give a chance its your lose. I've decided I might try the bible study group on campus because one of my friends does that.</p>
<p>Cz, I think you've gotten some great advice here, and I think you are already moving in the right direction. Becoming involved with campus groups and finding people with whom you have something in common will be helpful. Continue to take the high road by smiling and acknowledging the girl across the hall who appears to dislike you ... maybe she is also experiencing some difficulties. If you have noticed that you are a different person than you once were, and if you do indeed feel that you are suffering from even mild depression, please consider speaking with someone at your campus health clinic. I'm glad you found this board. Please continue to post and update us with how things are going. Now get out there, get involved, meet new people and have a great college experience! :)</p>
<p>I agree with northstarmom. Wherever you go, there are always people who for whatever reason think they are superior to you, or who are just plain nasty. Personally, I believe these misguided people get an energy rush out of excluding or degrading others, and it makes them feel worthy inside because they view life as a zero sum game.. a you lose, I win pecking order, etc. </p>
<p>It is a known fact that about 60% of primate species engage in pecking order behavior-- alphas get groomed--- betas get ignored. This is fine for monkeys, but not for thinking, loving and caring people.... What I am saying here is that you don't need to associate yourself with these types of primates.... there are plenty of other people who don't buy into this garbage....and these are the people you need to select as friends-- leave the monkeys for the zoo....
Their behavior is a lie about your future. Don't buy into it. You are precious and valuable and have so much to offer this world. Don't allow the energy drain of a few insecure and pompous individuals to get you off track for your destiny and your self confidence..... (I call their games emotional vampirism because they actually feed off your energy and self-worth by tricking you into the false belief that your worth as a human being depends on their approval and "grooming." It is a form of social control that is more appropriate in lower level primates and in wolf packs than in human beings.......)
King David once said in psalm 26 "I don't sit with the wicked..." There's a reason why he didn't socialize or "sit with" with "bad" people--- they rub off and drain your energy.... thus tricking you into limiting your potential....</p>
<p>You need to separate yourself psychologically from this negative energy assault. Keep on smiling, but fill your gas tank up with postive thoughts and actions leaving no room for their low octane gas to mix with your high octane!!!. The best way of transforming negative energy around you is to seek out someone else on campus who may need your friendship, guidance and help, and focus your postive energy on them. Can you volunteer for a hotline? You'll get a lift and a rush from your postive action helping people worse off than yourself, and you will begin not to even notice the silly gameplayers around you as you recognize the importance of the help you are giving to others. You are so needed in this world and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!</p>
<p>Also focus your energy on loving and caring for yourself. Do as Northstarmom suggested-- get counseling, find activities that interest you, and be SELECTIVE about the people you associate with. You are choosing them for character, integrity, honesty equality and kindness -- they are not choosing you.......YOU are in control.</p>
<p>You certainly should not associate with people who are nasty, manipulative gameplayers because the fruit of this association will be an energy drain on your life......as King David's son, Solomon wisely outlines in his masterpiece of wisdom, the Book of Proverbs...</p>
<p>Update! the girl across the hall sent me an IM explaining how she does like me, and how she said she could be spacey at times, and that doesn't remember a time where she didn't say hi back to me. Before this I talked to my RA and I guess that my RA talked to her. Now she is worried that the RA thinks she is a bad person, which I'm sure she doesn't! I'll just tell her everything is resolved. Thanks every one for their advice. I guess I kinda of just take the little things in life too serious and think of the worse at times. :(</p>
<p>And, cz~, be extra nice to that girl when you tell her everything is resolved and continuing on. It will pay dividends for both of you!</p>
<p>I don't think you took this too seriously. Learning how to navigate social problems is a huge part of college life and prepares you for great success in the real world. The world of work. I think that a student who says they are "kinda spacey" is using an excuse for lack of skill and accountability. In the real world behaviors of that type don't win friends and make you a good team player. I would in no way discount the fact that you did introspection and evaluation of your own behavior.....that is the mature action to begin the process. You did well.</p>
<p>I agree with hazmat. Good job! :)</p>
<p>Glad things are improving for you - one thing I think a lot of people do today is that they are too quick to quit. It sounds like you've been trying to make things better so I applaud you.</p>
<p>By the way, it's not a bad thing if you do decide to transfer - I just saw a statistic that said 1 in 5 kids does that - no big deal.</p>