<p>It's halfway through my first semester at college.
I have no friends. I've tried to make new ones, and hung out with a group of people for weeks. They don't like me. I've tried to be nicer, more personable, and what not- it's not working. It's like nobody is interested in talking about anything interesting. I have nobody to share any thoughts I might have, or anything interesting I might read.
I'vetried joining clubs. Not a lot of help. Seems like most of my hobbies- writing, research- are solitary pursuits. I'm pursuing them- but it doesn't help with friends.
My classes are too easy. I'm making As in all of them. Sure, I'm working fairly hard for it, but it's not- hard. I miss actually working.
I don't know if I should transfer. Should I?</p>
<p>Zig- a few questions…Did you have a lot of friends in HS or were you the sort with a couple close ones? Are you at a big school or small? Are you living on campus or commuting? What made you choose the college you’re at? Would you describe yourself as cerebral type or a party animal (yeah, i know they need not be separate)?
As a mom, my first thought is you should get yourself over to student services and see if there’s someone you can talk to regarding depression. You sound pretty down- and that’s natural when you feel this alone- but low level, chronic depression can make everything feel hopeless. Transferring is simple enough if you think that’s all you need- but there might be other issues influencing your adjustment difficulty. Maybe it’s just your expectations that need to be addressed. It does take a long time to build real connections.</p>
<p>Are you a good listener or do you do most of the talking? </p>
<p>Do you look for cues to see if people are listening (interested) and stop if you see that they’re not?</p>
<p>Did you have trouble making friends before?</p>
<p>I’m on campus, it’s a large university, but I’m in the Honors college which is supposed to be a smaller community.
I had a few close friends in school- like, a group of 7 people, with two people who were really close friends. Trouble making friends? Honestly- I don’t know, but I suppose yes, since I’m an introvert.
I guess I’d describe myself as the cerebral type.
My choice of college… well, I have a full scholarship here. That was the main criteria… but I’m an international, so it wasn’t my only option- I could have chosen among some of the best colleges in my country, but preferred the US liberal arts system.</p>
<p>I wish I had someone to talk to… I don’t want to talk to my parents 'cause they’ll worry unnecessarily and I really don’t want that. Plus, they’re going to tell me to wait till my sophomore year to transfer.
I also really wish I could have gone to some of the top liberal arts colleges I got into- I just feel like I don’t belong here.</p>
<p>You said it seemed like a lot of your hobbies were solitary pursuits, and included writing as an example. While writing is often solitary, have you looked into whether your school has a literary magazine? Or a general writers’ club? Or gone to some poetry readings? You might find people who are more your type at these clubs.</p>
<p>As far as wanting someone to talk to, follow maenidmom’s advice and go to student services. Your health center should have a counselor you can talk to confidentially, and for free. And I know you need friends in college, but if you feel really lonely you might feel better if you maintain connections with your high school friends. Call them, chat with them, text them, skype them. It’s better than nothing.</p>
<p>I have tried getting involved in the college newspaper- but it just involves writing articles from my room, which doesn’t help.
I’m in a different country. It’s not possible to talk to my friends regularly because of the time difference. Plus, I’m pretty sure they all judge me for my college choice as it’s not the most prestigious. Maybe that’s paranoid but because of this I can’t complain about anything here to them.
I don’t want to go to student services.</p>
<p>Check out a service club where they will be happy to have you. Clubs like Habitat for Humanity or clubs that work at soup kitchens or otherwise do service are very welcoming. Good luck!</p>
<p>There must be a club for international students and maybe even more specifically for your region of the world. Besides being an introvert and typical freshman adjustment, you have the extra factors of culture shock and perceived strangeness working against you–it even happens to American kids that have spent a lot of time abroad. And I hate to say it, but there are going to be some U.S. kids that don’t want to make as much of an effort to befriend foreigners that they perceive as different culturally or with an accent. Although they may not realize their prejudice, they just think it’s easier to have fun with kids that are more like them. Don’t take it personally, these kids are on different wave-lengths and eventually you will find a place with more like-minded people, whether at that school or another, or in a work environment.</p>
<p>I do think there are some schools with environments that are more open to international diversity, and it would be an important factor to consider if you start looking into transfer. Can you afford to transfer to a school where you might find more mental affinity? Other than that, consider that it is still early. There are plenty of first-semester freshmen that feel lonely and out of place, but are over it by the end of the year. I know such a girl from our international school for whom that was the case at a big U.S. school.</p>
<p>I think Wildwood has hit the nail on the head. Lots of freshmen, US and internationals, are still feeling out of place in college. Give it a bit more time and do search out the international student association/office for support.</p>
<p>My daughter attends a large university with many international students and has had to work at getting over some things in her cross-cultural friendships. She has been put off by certain pungent food smells in their rooms (not a big deal to meet in her room or in a cafe). Some cultures don’t stress the daily use of deodorant which can be off-putting. Finally, she commented that she felt uncomfortable when she spoke to them and they stared at her before replying. It wasn’t until I reminded her that they likely were processing the English, which was not their native language, that she learned to ignore it and just wait for the answer. I don’t know if any of these might apply, but it may help you understand some of the little quirks that American kids have and watch for them!</p>
<p>Give it some time, look for literary clubs, international clubs…and even though you don’t want your parents to worry unnecessarily - most parents would place your happiness over their own so if it does make you feel better to talk to them, you pick up that phone right now! I studied internationally and I needed my mom once or twice, and she was right there. Helped me not feel alone, and helped me think about what I could do to make things better. You can always post here on the parents forum, because there is a whole group of people who can be proxy parents for you!! :)</p>
<p>Is it possible for you to get a part-time job, perhaps in a coffee shop or restaurant?</p>
<p>This is a good way to get to meet people.</p>
<p>Do look into transferring. It could well be that the school is just not a good fit.</p>
<p>I understand how lonely and frustrated this experience must be making you feel. Assuming you cannot overcome your feelings of not belonging, and I"m not saying you won’t with time, do you have a way to pay for college if you transfer? Would the scenario repeat itself if you did transfer?</p>
<p>I really believe students sometimes choose the wrong fit for the right reasons. Perhaps you are one example.</p>
<p>I think it’s too early to consider transferring.</p>
<p>It may just be because he’s int’l and an introvert…so things will take a bit longer.</p>
<p>Find out if there are any community service projects.</p>
<p>Find out if you can volunteer in the Honors program office.</p>
<p>Go to the Rec Center…ask if there is a schedule for group activities…like hikes, biking, or whatever.</p>
<p>mom2, it might be too early. But if he’s a square peg trying to fit into a round hole then it likely will not be a good fit. A friend of my son’s is like this. Introverted and thinky type. He had many friends but only a hand full of really really close ones. He ended up attending a well known intellectually demanding college that was smaller than his graduating senior class. It’s a great fit for him and trying to imagine him in the OPs situation I can see where he would have been miserable as well.</p>
<p>Good advice above, but I would add - </p>
<p>I would go to the honors college and ask if there are opportunities to become involved in undergrad research. Explain that you have lots of down time and are finding your courses a little too easy, and that you miss harder work. Many professors at these schools jump at the chance to get freshman involved in their research projects, since they will be able to benefit from their work for years after training them.</p>
<p>Not to take away from the original posters concerns, but there might be a lesson in there somewhere. My D got into a few schools that offered substantial fin aid and offered an ‘honors college’. She also got into a very good school (USNWR top 20). Seeking advice what to do, someone said “Run, do not walk to the better school”. Maybe Honors Colleges are systematically trying to fit square pegs into round holes, whereas most colleges (from Tier 1 to Tier 3) find the right ‘fit’ for the entering classes.</p>
<p>There is no reason not to look into a transfer, the college might not be right for you, and if you are easily getting all A’s, then educationally it is not a match. At the same time, try to talk to someone about what appears to be the beginning of a depression, and try to find a few clubs to join or a part time job or a church or…you get the idea.</p>
<p>And parents reading this: Beware the school that offers an “Honors College”. Not saying it is a bad thing, but it might be best to at least weigh the pro’s and con’s and not believe that the Honors College at the weaker school really competes with much better schools. To me, Honors Colleges work best for the kid that has found the school that is an absolute great fit, but has the drive and desire to do just a bit more… (Sorry, I know this sounds snobby…I dont mean it to be)</p>
<p>^^
This is precisely why I question the choice of sending kids to small colleges. In many of them, there just isn’t a large enough a pool of students to find kindred spirits if you happen to be different from the masses, honors college or not.</p>
<p>I agree with Dad Wonders and Katlia</p>
<p>My oldest – DD had a free ride to U of Maryland through their Honors Program. turned it down and went to Columbia. (also had admits to Cornell, Carnegie, Michigan). She’s graduated with a Physics Major and is now taking a few months off and will apply to grad school.</p>
<p>We are so glad she didn’t take the full ride-- she sensed it would have been a bad fit…and I’m guessing that is probably your situation.</p>
<p>If you can transfer and your family can still afford the tuition elsewhere, do so.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are feeling lonely. Keep hanging in there. All you need to find are 1 or 2 buddies to hang out with. i am sure they are out there and you just haven’t met them yet.</p>
<p>My son turned down cornell, duke and swarthmore among others for a full ride honors program in a large school. The honors colleg had many activities for the students to interact together. Also the large schools generally have international clubs and counselors to help through the tough spots.</p>
<p>I think the ideas of a job and or research are great ones to keep involved.</p>
<p>BTW, my son is now at a top grad school so don’t sweat it.</p>
<p>I normally wouldn’t be so quick to jump on a “yes, go transfer” bandwagon when someone hasn’t even completed their first college semester, but what grabbed me, Zigzagged, was your description of your classes as not being challenging - you missing “hard” - and your characterization of your self as being “cerebral.” You probably are NOT in the right place for you!</p>
<p>Thankfully, it’s a problem you can solve. </p>
<p>Here are a few random thoughts in addition to the good advice you’ve already received:</p>
<p>1-Assuming you will stay through spring semester, talk with your advisor NOW to learn how you can include at least one or two “hard” classes on your course schedule for the spring. Find out any other tips/tricks your advisor can offer for overcoming the boredom and lack of challenge you’re experiencing in the “honors” program. And if not your advisor, then someone associated with the honors program. It’s important that they know the program isn’t meeting your needs and expectations.</p>
<p>2-Think about going to one of your current professors and asking for (or proposing) a special project to dive into right now.</p>
<p>3-Get fired up about the transfer process, spend your bored time researching schools and preparing apps.</p>
<p>4-As others have said, there is likely to be either a formal or informal group of kids from your home country on your campus. Get involved with them! They obviously won’t look down on you for choosing this college. Cooking fav dishes from your country together is fun and a great ice breaker–does your dorm have a kitchen, and if so, be bold and invite some kids to come over! (My HS senior boy and his friends do Iron Chef cooking competitions–fun!) Or if that doesn’t appeal to you, how about a game night with fav card and board games? You get the point–sometimes, to make things happen, you have to reach out of your skin and initiate instead of being a sheep.</p>
<p>5-I think you are letting your insecurities over your college choice deprive you of some much-needed contact with people who know you well. Put those thoughts out of your mind and initiate contact with those 7 high school friends now! You talk about time difference–don’t you Facebook or use some other social media that makes time irrelevant? Failing that, there’s email. You don’t have to lay out your troubles to people…just touch base and have some friendly chats. You may soon learn that others are having some tough times, too–freshman fall is hard on many, many kids for a variety of reasons. You will be able to get a sense if there is a friend you can talk more openly with about your dissatisfaction with this college’s rigor and plans to transfer. </p>
<p>6-And that leads me to your parents–as a mom, I admire your sensitivity to not wanting to worry them, but you do need to start preparing them for the idea of transfer, as you will have to begin taking serious steps in that direction in the spring. If you feel you can’t fully disclose everything in one conversation, no problem! But the bad match of this school for your needs is the key bit of information that will grab them like it grabbed me. Begin sprinkling conversations with comments about the lack of rigor + your efforts to meet that need. (Remember, we parents don’t like to hear the complaint unless you tell us what steps you’ve taken to try to overcome it!) You need to be ready to have a full, open and honest discussion with them over the holidays (hopefully you are going home–if not, then consider whether your homesickness is a bigger factor than you realize and how you can take steps to manage that). </p>
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<p>Best wishes as you sort this out.</p>