I always told people I would hate college but I was urged to go and people said as soon as I got here it would be the best four years of my life. I go to a college over 2,000 miles away from my home state because ti was the only one I could afford. Its a good school and the people are very nice but I felt like I didn’t fit in. The west coast is so different from the east coast so I had a really hard time adjusting and I didn’t know a single person. The first few weeks were so hard and I cried all the time. I was in such a vulnerable place, but I didn’t want to give up. I kind of made friends but I never felt very close to anyone. After about a month I started to adjust but it was still really hard. The weird thing was the school was so easy and my classes were so manageable despite the fact that I have a science major and have to take chemistry and biology and anatomy and all these complicated classes but I’ve always been good at school so it was a really easy transition. It’s just the social things that were hard. Then after a few months I had a really close friendship with my RA. He was a really nice guy and we hung out all the time and did everything together. I started to get really close with my floor and I felt like I was finally fitting in. Then he told me he liked me and things got really weird cause we ended up sleeping together in secret and trying to date in secret. I really liked him and I was so attached to him because he was my only friend but he was so paranoid the whole time and he would say things like we should stop this can’t happen then the next day he’d invite me to his room to stay the night. I went along with it and let him call all the shots and have all the control because he had the most to lose but the back and forth was so difficult. He would tell me that he was going to go to his boss to come clean about us and he would say he was going to tell the floor about us and that everything was going to work out and we’d get real approval, then the next day he would ignore me in the hallway and pretend nothing had happened. It was so emotionally draining and my motivation really dropped. We also broke so many rules together like the drinking rules and we would go to parties and do all this stuff that we weren’t supposed to and he didn’t seem to care in the moment but then he’d regret it the next day and ignore me and pretend it didn’t happen. This went on all semester. It made my freshman year really difficult. Eventually nothing happened for a while so I went to him and he ended it. He asked me if i was okay and of course i said i was because I always go along with what he says and never tell him how I really feel cause i don’t want him to feel bad but it killed me. He said he wanted to stay friends but then things got really awkward and this semester has been hell because he doesn’t talk to me or make eye contact with me or even look at me. He destroyed my confidence, he ruined my first year of college, he was my only friend so now I don’t have any other friends, my roommates don’t talk to me because they look down on me for getting with an RA. I got so depressed I couldn’t eat or go to class. I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want him to get it trouble because he was actually a good guy but he made a lot of mistakes and got scared. I currently have therapy three times a week because I can barely function. School is still fine but I have no motivation so its hard to keep my grades up sometimes. I can’t transfer because I’m in a specialized program so I would lose all my credits. I don’t know what to do because I have never met anyone who has been through something like this. I lost one of my best friends, someone I really cared about and was attached to. He made it seem like we were gonna actually be together or at least stay friends and now he won’t even look at me and it makes me feel like garbage. The person that was supposed to be there to support me for the biggest transition of my life is the person who i can’t even look at anymore without wanting to cry. I can’t go to him for anything anymore. I am mad at myself for letting this happen but I am also mad at him for doing this to me. I feel like I got taken advantage of but I also don’t because I wanted all of it and I went along with all of it. What makes me the most sad is that I don’t think Ill ever get back what i lost. He said maybe we can try again next year but I wish he hadn’t. I got no closure which makes this even more hard. Plus I have to see him all the time in the dorm and at floor gatherings. Why can’t he just treat me like everyone else. Everyone else loves him because he’s so nice to me but he won’t even speak to me. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless. When I thought college would be hard I never imagined it would be like this.
You don’t hate college, you are mourning over a breakup, which is perfectly normal. I guess your school has a rule about an RA can’t date freshmen. Otherwise it would have been perfectly normal for a freshman to date an upperclassman. If your RA was a lot older than you and could possibly use the position to coerce you into doing something you didn’t want to do then it may be abusive of power. But in this case, you went willingly into the relationship. It was your choice to let him call the shots. I would try to work with your therapist on why you would let someone dictate terms of your relationship, whether it is with a man or woman.
I am a parent of 2 girls (both out of college). They’ve had many breakups, and each was heart wrenching. I used to tell them, “boyfriends are like buses, when one leaves there will be one right behind it.” Forget about this loser (nice, but weak), and move on. There will be someone better for you later.
You can get closure by forgetting him. Make a choice to do so. You are pining over a failed romance, and that is very normal, but stop letting it ruin your college experience. It makes you sound incredibly immature. You’re a young woman who could be having a great time at college. Instead you’re wasting time wishing for what you can’t and shouldn’t get back.
I agree that this sounds like a broken heart, not a hate for your college. Make an appointment to talk to a counselor. It’s Ok to mourn and be sad, but focus on making new connections and having new experiences. And you aren’t alone, break ups are terrible for almost everyone.
I agree with what everyone above has said, but I do also think you should look at your options in terms of housing. Even if there isn’t an official policy against dating an RA, I would guess that it would be frowned upon and discouraged by the housing directors/administration. Can you request a transfer to a different floor or even a different dorm? Yes, you need to get over the broken heart, but you deserve a fresh start away from a person in authority who maybe shouldn’t have gone down this path with you. That would be my advice if you were my kid.
I realize I only focused on the one situation I’m in because I got caught up in telling the story but it definitely isn’t the only reason why I have hated college. I just don’t feel like I fit in here. I don’t know how to describe it but I don’t feel like I fit in this city. I come from a very different environment and I wanted to experience something new but it’s been so hard. I have some friends now but I feel this disconnect. I really miss home. The second semester is half over so I know I’ve given myself enough time to adjust but I just find this area very depressing. I did before any of the other stuff happened so I don’t think I’m projecting my feelings into my environment. I went to a very tight knit high school in a rural town. I like the people I’ve met and they’re really nice but I feel zero connection with most people. I really think it’s this place though and not the people. I know I can stay and I’ll probably be fine. I have good days and bad. But I feel weird about staying here when I know I’ll never be as happy as I was in my home state. I didn’t realize how much I loved it there until I left. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful or complain. I’m just very sad and I can’t talk about it with many people.
Yeah, sounds like a big dose of homesickness to me.
Perhaps this is also your first real extended break from home?
I can relate. I went off to boot camp at 17 after being pretty sheltered and happy for my childhood years. That was an extremely tough transition.
I made good friends. I did well with n school but I had a burning feeling I had made a big mistake.
It sounds like that is your real problem to me, homesick. That is probably where I would try to focus the counseling. In the grand scheme of things you can push through. You have a lifetime ahead of you. It’s tough being away but you can be close via so many ways now. Make sure you are keeping up with family. Let them know how you feel. It’s ok to be homesick. I think you can do it. I think you can make a great experience for yourself. Find a club you enjoy and get involved. Do things that make you happy. You can do this. It’s tough but you can be tougher. It’s only a couple more years and you can visit home many times in between. You got this…
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- He was not "a good guy". He is at least a year older than you, and knew that you were a sad, lonely first year student. Almost certainly part of his training covered this (once upon a time I did RA trainings- this was a specific module on helping new students who were having a hard transition, and the importance of not creating any relationship that could turn into dependence). And, he treated you poorly. You need to recognize that I trust that you are talking to your therapist about the issues of handing control over to somebody else.
I agree with @CTCape that you need to go to ResLife and say you need new housing. Now. Even if it means telling them why.
- You have only started to adjust b/c your RA derailed your adjustment process: he gave you something to hold on to - like a lifeline- and you counted on it to get you through a huge change. In a normal transition, students find a few people to hang out with in the first days and weeks- often people on their hall or in a particular class or activity or somebody they knew before. Sometime around fall break, again after the return from winter break and again after return from spring break, those groups typically rearrange a bit as people settle in, get to know other people, etc. Some people do land happily the first day at college and it is sunshine and roses right from the beginning. At least, I suppose it must happen. But I have yet to meet that student. My own collegekids have been fortunate to go colleges that they were excited to go to (so far all very far away) but they still had rainy days. Lonely days. Tired days. Because every path has its puddles.
- Appreciating home as you never did before is also a normal thing- and even more so when you are feel sad and lonely and hurt. Sadly, the urge to go as far home as you can and pull the cover over your heads and have mom bring you tea and toast in bed never stops. Even when you are a mom (and, according to my mother, even when you are a grandmother). The trick, as with so many parts of adult life, is to manage a balance between letting yourself feel whatever that is- and then picking yourself up and make yourself get back into life. Part of that is being realistic: real friends take time to grow- they don't happen in weeks or even months. It takes sharing life- both good and bad parts- for that to happen.
The best medicine for homesickness and heartbreak is pretty much the same: push yourself to get involved with things. Optimally that will include something physical (even if it’s just walking or building sets for the theatre) and something that involves being useful (there is nothing like feeling useful to perk a soul up). The focus isn’t on making a best friend asap, but on doing things that make you feel good, and being with other people who get satisfaction from similar things.
Finally I agree with @momofsenior1 and @oldfort : you seem to actually like college- the academic part. I’m sorry that the “college life” part isn’t what you hoped (yet)- but if I could I would give out to every.single.person who says “college is the best 4 years of your life”. That’s absurd- and would terrible if it was true! College can be a lot of fun, absolutely. But it is also a time when you are figuring out a lot of things about yourself, and that can be hard. And to think that everything after 21/22 is downhill? sorry, but I’m 30+ years out of college and I would be hard pressed to say what the best ‘4 years’ of my life have been- so far. My oldest collegekid loved college, but is also loving post-college life, just in a different way. To everything there is a season.