I took a different approach to my UC essay. FEEDBACK PLEASE.

College Essays
1

<p>Is this okay? Willing accepting all opinions! I would love feedback.</p>

<p>I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat lacking. For some time, I have been aiming to go to art school and that was my dream and ambition. I wanted to aim for a highly prestigious art school and challenge myself to the top. However, I felt something was missing in this dream.
I have confidence that I am a fairly good artist, who tries hard in her work and willing to challenge herself through each art piece. Although I excelled in my creative side, I wasn’t doing as equally well through my academics as I wanted to. I had always thought academics shouldn’t be so much of a focus if I was aiming for art school, which is mostly based on a portfolio.
My academic achievements tended to be slightly above average, compared to friends that surpass me academically. I admit that in comparison I felt inferior, and it weighed me down and discouraged me from even dreaming of going to top schools. I was narrow minded and never thought of myself as academically qualified. I want to build more confidence in myself and for my life.
Now as I reflect on myself and my future I want to broaden my horizon and give myself a wider range to choose from. I don’t want to just excel in my art not just through an esteemed art school but to a university that offers more than just art. I want to experience various other majors and expand through other aspects. By doing such, I can become well rounded before art becomes my main point and focus. By attending University of California, I have my options open and have more potential in my expectations for myself and my art</p>

2

<p>Rest easy – your approach is perfectly acceptable. With some 20,000 other applicants, there is guaranteed to be an extreme diversity among the types of essays submitted, and yours sounds far from an anomaly. Best wishes!</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much your opinion gives me much relief!! (:</p>

4

<p>I just have some editing remarks:
“I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat lacking.” - not a good sentence to start with. although the theme is that you need to supplement your art with academics, you dont want your reader to think you have no self confidence at all, especially in the first sentence. consider changing to something less harsh, like, “I have always been talented at art, yet there is a part of me that thinks I am not realizing my full potential”</p>

<p>“challenge myself to the top.” —> “challenge myself to my fullest”</p>

<p>“I have confidence that I am a fairly good artist, who tries hard in her work and willing to challenge herself through each art piece.” ----> “I have confidence in myself as an artist. I try hard in my work and I am willing to challenge myself with any art piece.”</p>

<p>“I wasn’t doing as equally well through my academics as I wanted to.”-----> “I was not doing as well in my academic life as I hoped.”</p>

<p>“I want to build more confidence in myself and for my life.”---->“Now I have realized that I will need to build more confidence in myself in all aspects of my life in order to to succeed.”</p>

<p>brackets around edited parts:</p>

<p>“[As] I reflect on myself and my future I want to broaden my horizon and give myself a wider range [of options] to choose from.” </p>

<p>“I don’t want to just excel in my art not just through an esteemed art school but to a university that offers more than just art. I want to experience various other majors and expand through other aspects.”—>“I would like to pursue an art major at an academic university rather than an art school in order to expand my horizons and immerse myself in a setting that is challenging both academically and for my creative side”</p>

<p>By doing such, I can become well rounded before art becomes my main point and focus. By attending University of California, I [will be leaving] my options open [to give myself] more potential in my expectations for myself and my art</p>

<p>I tried not to change the thought of it, just making grammatical and structural changes. These are the kinds of edits I get all the time working for the school paper. If you feel that my sentence takes away from your idea though, feel free to rework it yourself.
:)</p>

5

<p>First, don’t post it here. Keep it yours, don’t make it public.
Second, I think you should show a bit more deep thinking. For example, why do you want to change? What drives you to that decision? It surely makes an impact in your life, so show & prove that! Show them that you’re truly passionate in facing things you’re not good at (or you’ve never tried to be good at). Don’t state your reason in just one SHORT sentence. It no way reveals yourself.
Well I think this way of approaching is okay, and it may help you to stand out. Don’t worry even if it’s not conventional. You want to take risks in your future too, right? So why not take risk in your own essay? I’m sure they will love that.
Btw, I think yours is not very new too (even though it’s quite abnormal). Generally it’s self-exploring.
(I don’t want to write in details, b/c that contradicts my “first”).</p>