Freshman quarter at UCLA and everything is so overwhelming. They say freshman 15 but I’ve lost 8 pounds in just3 weeks. It’s gotten to the point where the only thing I live for is to sleep at the end of the day to knock me out into sweet unconciousness and away from this reality.
I’m struggling in my classes because UCLA is more difficult than I expected. Not to mention I have some anxiety issues that have carried over from high school and they make me be unconcentrated in lecture, so that I am unable to focus on what the professor says. Same with homework, I spend so much time studying but I must be an inefficient studier because I studied for five hours on Friday, seven hours on Saturday and Sunday and still got a D on my midterm for Math 32A on Monday. It also hurt me that when I went to take the test, my anxiety was so bad that I made some computation/ careless errors that I shouldn’t deserve to.
My anxiety is debilitating. I have never been a procrastinator in high school but here I am putting off studying as well as taking care of myself. I also think UCLA academics will be too challenging for me in four years as a CSE major, I am honestly not that smart and ever since adolescence, the anxiety issues have caused me to be distracred in my studies on top of that.
I talked to my parents and they said I am a totally different person that I was a month ago. Weight lose aside, I am a psycological wreck that has issues doing even minimum daily tasks.
I don’t think my parents will take dropping out for an answer though, especially because “I’ve worked so hard all my life to get to here”. I don’t want them to waste any more of their money paying for this expensive food that I can’t eat, because my anxiety issues make it hard to swallow even though when I come back to the dorm I’m always hungry, and how the hell am I supposed to get passing grades when my brain doesn’t even allow me to focus on the lecture??? I know I CAN’T drop out, but I know I cannot make four years here either, so what am I supposed to do?
Has anybody been through this? What can I do to make it better? Staying atcollege is not helping my anxiety but given that I can’t learn and I can’t take tests and I can’t eat I really don’t know what to do anymore. At least I haven’t had problems sleeping so far.
Also, I no longer enjoy anything in life. Even if I have time I would not do anything anyone would consider “fun”. I study all day and I don’t even know why, because when I take the actual test my anxiety makes it impossible to function. Should I get on antidepressants or anti anxiety medication? My parents are strongly against these, and insist I do “yoga” at college but sorry yoga doesn’t do jack shit for me (excuse the term).
I’m so behind on everything in school and yet I still waste time posting stuff on the internet and feeling sorry for myself but maybe because I don’t enjoy anything in life anymore I have no motivation to even carve a life out for myself? If it would no hurt anybody, I would make the choice to not live anymore, not this life but that is not an option becuase of how much it would hurt my parents. I also have difficulty having empathy for other people. Maybe because I am stuck in my own thoughts all the time. I have no direction in life but I know that leaving college is not an option and my parents would get mad at me, but these past 4 weeks have been a stressful hell for me that have been a big trauma.
Do I need a break and need to start of better at another university, on a new leaf?
Or should I set small goals for each day and stick with UCLA, albeit risking a bit of mental health? Maybe I can live my life emotionlessly as just a checklist until things get better, but everyone’s always told me that repressing emotions is bad for me.
Tldr; I am burnt out and feel I will fizzle into a < 120 pound stick if I continue college; accepting advice for a future course of action.
Tldr; My phase of weird self-hate is so weird that I haven’t done anything relaxing for myself in the past month. Of college.
Maybe you could have a discussion with your parents about it. Sruggling and failing courses will have a negative impact regardless if you keep going, and if you’re having trouble now it might be best to withdrawl.
I don’t want to have a negative impact on your future, but it really does sound like you’re having a hard time, and maybe university life isn’t right for you. Have you considered going after an associates degree at a community college?
I had anxiety issues in high school, and am currently in community college. The issues got better, and I’ve had a pretty enjoyable time there. But some people just don’t like college period. Community college could be something to consider. But if community college isn’t right for you, don’t worry so much. You’re life isn’t screwed up if you don’t finish college. There’s many people have gotten bachelor’s degrees that go on to find work that doesn’t even require it.
There’s nothing wrong with dropping out, not everyone finishes college, especially at the universities. It seems that experiences like yours are fairly common, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
If you’re going to quit and really feel this strongly about it, you should talk to your parents about it before going through with anything.
I hope everything works out for you. Do what feels right and works for you. You’re the master of your life and only you know what’s best for yourself.
Thank you so much @Collegeguy95 My parents however won’t take community college for an answer, that’s why I had to work so hard to get into “at least a university that does research” in the first place.
Okay, I’m a mom of two adult kids with anxiety issues since their teens who have both take medication for years and have derived great relief. So I feel qualified to give you a metaphorical slap upside the head: Please, please, please get some help before this downward spiral gets any worse. Visit your college health/counseling service right away–as in first thing in the morning! You need treatment for your crippling anxiety and what may also be a bout of depression.
You may or may not need medication to get you feeling better and more able to cope (and what your parents think about that is irrelevant–you’re an adult now and able to make your own health choices). What’s clear is that making a bunch of plans to somehow start over in hopes things will then magically improve on their own is a recipe for disaster. A medical withdrawal with the right to return at a later time may be the proper path for you (as opposed to just dropping out), but a therapist will help you make that decision.
Again, get help, please. There are more students than you would imagine struggling with the same issues, and your school is quite used to offering help where needed. Don’t be embarrassed, just go. It’s a shame that you weren’t able to get help for your anxiety when it first surfaced in adolescence, which may well have enabled you to avoid your current situation. That was a poor choice by your parents. So it’s time to take the reins yourself–don’t delay any further.
@MommaJ Thank you for the advice. But I feel that if I go see a doctor, the university will contact and charge my parents and will let them know because I am not covered by UC Ship…?
You really need to call the student counseling center. It’s located at John Wooden West. All registered students are eligible for assessment. You don’t have to have SHIP.
I will also point out that should you choose to go ahead with anything, UCLA has a world-renowned anxiety disorder clinic and anything that you do end up paying will be well spent to avoid quitting and losing what you have accomplished so far.
Your parents should be gratified to hear that their child in distress sought help–and if they aren’t, their opinion isn’t worth worrying about. Again, you’re an adult, you have responsibility to take care of yourself now. Besides, you must have some kind of health insurance, even if not the UCLA version. Look, your parents will “know” soon enough if you fail out of school or drop out, so time to bite the bullet and tell them you are suffering and will be getting help. I know it’s hard, but you will feel great relief after having that conversation as well as a conversation with the counseling center. Dealing with something this serious all by yourself is the worst.
How terrific that your school has a world renowned anxiety disorder clinic–you’ll be in good hands.
Let us know how things go–you’ve left us worried about you.
My daughter has anxiety…when she realized (like you do) that it was interfering with her life, she reached out to counseling at HS. She got diagnosed and is on medication and is doing so much better.
Go to the counseling center! It may or may not be the right thing to drop out…but seeing someone IS the right thing!