I’m a first year at UCLA in my first quarter and I’m miserable. It’s not so much my classes/the academic rigor as my social helplessness. I don’t have friends, often eat alone, and have difficulties concentrating because I’m constantly on the verge of tears. I had some doubts about the school when I committed but tried to be optimistic and figured that with time, things would get better. Things have certainly not gotten better, however. Rather, every day I wake up in a panic, unsure of whether I’ll be able to make it through. I want to keep putting myself out there but it’s hard because I’m naturally introverted and I feel very alienated and isolated at this school. My roommates are very close with each other but are not as interested in being friends with me. So, every time I go to my room I feel like a third wheel. I feel like I have no one to turn to on campus and am helpless and overwhelmed. I’ve tried out a few clubs but can’t seem to meet people. At this rate, I feel like I’ll never make friends. I’m not into Greek life or partying and it seems that everyone I encounter would rather drink than have a mellow night. I am thinking about leaving to go to a community college but am reluctant to leave as I wanted to study abroad over the summer and next year. However, I feel that if I stay here much longer I’ll have a severe mental breakdown (I already struggle with anxiety, loneliness, and helplessness every day). The school seems so big and superficial and I don’t know how to meet people or make friends. I’ve never felt worse in my life. My self-esteem has plummeted and my usual positivity and goofiness is gone. I feel like I’m in a river struggling to keep my head above the water and don’t know if I can handle being here much longer. Should I leave? Can I dropout even though it is already Week 7? How do I survive here?
I’m a parent and not a student. I was looking on this site because my daughter is interested in UCLA and saw your post. I felt like I had to comment. If you were my child I would suggest you do a number of things. First, see if there is a counseling center on campus and make an appointment to talk to someone. They want to help students succeed at their university. Second, give the clubs and activities a chance. I don’t think finding friends is going to happen all at once but it will happen. It just might take a little time. Third, realize that you are not the only student feeling this way. I think it is very common even among the students that look like they are doing fine. Presumably, if you got accepted to UCLA you worked hard to get there. I would counsel my child to hang in there for at least a year before transferring. I’m so sorry that you are so unhappy and wish I could give you a hug. You seem like a very nice person which makes me think you would be a great friend. I hope things get better for you.
Please know that you are not alone in this.
It is VERY common to struggle with developing friendships at the universities.
Please read this post @Lindagaf. It explains this quarter in a very clarified manner.
My daughter was in a triple. Her two roommates gelled together. She didn’t. She cried every night and would often go outside to call us at 3 am! She was very popular in high school and was a multi-sport athlete, such that, she had a built-in group of friends. She had a really tough first two quarters at her school. After that, she found her tribe by volunteering for some social causes and applying for lab jobs on campus. She doesn’t drink/party/ or do things that are not part of her nature. She’s in grad school now and has ~110 “very close” friends. (That’s the number of students they admitted to her department) When I visit, the students somehow recognize me and say “Hi Sally’s Mom!”
Try to stick it out. No, you didn’t make a mistake. Don’t underestimate your abilities. Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing, or pm us.
You sound very fragile and in need of some help – please do us, parents on this forum, a favor and see a counselor. Help is available: UCLA is a big school, and you’re certainly not alone feeling lonely there or overwhelmed. A counselor can make a huge difference, though if you continue being this unhappy, a transfer is certainly something you should consider - and even look into.
But do ask yourself whether a community college would be any better. Most CCs are commuter schools, with students spending little time on or around campus. It may not be an immediately better social environment, so I’d encourage you to also consider smaller 4-year schools with a strong residential component.
In the meantime, be nice to yourself. Go grab a tub of ice cream and watch a comedy in bed. As you watch your movie and soothe your soul with Ben ’ Jerry, check out some clubs on the UCLA campus. See if there are any outings scheduled with the hiking club (a nature walk can work wonders). Maybe take up qudditch? I hear there’s a club for that! And during finals week there’s something called the Undie Run – guaranteed to bring a smile to your face even if you’re just a spectator. Push yourself a bit, be creative and maybe a little daring.
I can’t promise that things will get better for you at UCLA. But my experience as someone who went to Cal, so an equally huge campus, and someone who has known a lot of kids (including my own) who went to large schools, is that IT GETS BETTER. You will find your tribe. It may take a while, but it’s out there, so when your movie is over and your tub of ice cream (personally I’d recommend Karmel Sutra) is either gone or starting to drip on your bedding – that’s when it may be a moment to sign up for a club. And then make a goal of checking out a new club/attraction say, twice a week. Right away, this will accomplish three things: it will give you something social to do. It will make the week pass faster, and get you to Thanskgiving break and Christmas break that much sooner. AND it will help you to get to know the campus better, and introduce you to some new people. I bet in no time other freshmen will be asking you about all these places you’re going and where the such-and-such Hall is, and what on earth are you doing with that broom? (Oh, just quiddich, you say, smiling but modest.)
I wish you the best. And if that means a transfer, so be it. But don’t give up just yet. You’re at a world-class university with world-class opportunities that need just a little bit more time to explore. Hugs.
When my kid had Orientation at UC-Berkeley, they had random groups of 12 or so such that they forced everyone to get to know one another. Now my kid has social autism and tends to hide in his dorm or study conference room and study heads down, but I go visit him enough times to know that he has enough acquaintances. Also, the Floor RA is really good about getting everyone together on a regular basis to talk. So, outside of his HS friends who are going to Berkeley, he has made friends via the dorm get togethers, and by intramural sports such as flag football or basketball. And of course from group projects and associations in his computer classes. This Sunday, as another example, he’ll be at a lecture on the future of Data Science and I’m sure he’ll meet new people there.
I would think that UCLA would have a similar setup. To the OP, there must be a group or groups that you can join, whether it be from your major, sports activities or the dorms. I’ll assume you’re on the Hill, I know for sure there’s tons of organizations you can join. I think you just have to get out there and you’ll find people are accepting.
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, but @“aunt bea” is right. This is common, but it sounds as if you are teetering on the wrong side of freshman woes. I wrote the post she mentions because my daughter (who used to be terribly introverted) went through a similar thing and it took her about three months to finally feel like things might be okay.
Make an appointment immediately at the counseling center. You may find, regrettably, that they are booked up solid for a couple of weeks, because a LOT of people feel that same as you do. Persevere. Meanwhile, force yourself out of your room. KEEP BUSY! Join a study group. Join a volunteer group, or get involved with a religious group on campus, right away. Get a campus job right way, just a few hours a week, that puts you in contact with other working students. Clubs are really great for a lot of people, but for others, they feel a bit forced. Working or being in volunteer or religious groups is a good way to connect with nonjudgmental people who want to help others and make a difference. Getting involved in something that allows you to feel you have a purpose could be exactly what you need to remember your self-worth.
Rest assured that UCLA isn’t the problem. If you leave, will being at community college make you happy? Or might it make you feel like you failed? Do you think you will be satisfied with less rigor and fewer class choices? Running away from your problems isn’t the answer. Here is a question: what do YOU want to do about this? Try doing that. I am actually seeing a little hope in your post. The classes and rigor are not an issue, which means you are probably at the right place. You don’t eat alone all of the time, which is better than some people who post on CC. As far as feeling that you will never make friends, don’t worry. You will, but it isn’t going to happen instantly. And you continue making friends your whole life. You will get there. Just keep going a day at a time. And stay on top of your work.
You’re going to get through this. You’re becoming an adult. This sucks now, but in the near future, you will be able to look back on this time and think “I’m glad that’s behind me.”
@katliamom
Great advice except going with Karmel Sutra over Phish Food would be a big mistake.
OP:
It will get better. You may need to go outside your comfort zone a bit. What do you enjoy? Intramural sports, clubs, hanging around the lobby in your dorm, talking to people in the dining hall, offering to study with classmates etc are all chances to meet people!
@happygal867, sending good vibes your way (as a parent of an introverted student at UCLA).
I know there’s a big FB page for UCLA freshmen. Have you checked it out? I can’t look at it anymore because it’s private now, but before school started, there were tons of people posting saying they were introverted, scared of not meeting people, etc. Have you scrolled through that feed? Or might you consider posting on it? It seems like people who posted before the quarter started who said they were scared etc got a lot of responses. Maybe you might reach out to some of those responders and ask how they are liking UCLA (make an overture without having to bare your soul)?
@happygal867 I’m sorry to hear that your first quarter has been less than ideal. I’m a current third year and can definitely tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t totally out of the norm. Moving to any college is a big step and a giant school like UCLA can be overwhelming. It may seem like everyone found best friends but trust me there’s plenty of people looking for friends too. My suggestion is to make a list of things you like to do and see if there’s a club or student org that fits that. Easy way to bond with people over common interests. The freshman fb group can also be good. Say some stuff you like to do and someone is bound to reply. If you want to talk to someone your RA or CAPS (counseling program) are great resources. Feel free to shoot me a PM if there’s anything you wanted to talk about.
Thank you all for your caring and advice. A little more detail about my situation…I have been going to CAPS for about 4 weeks now so I am seeking counseling. I want to join student organizations but am struggling to find any that represent any of my interests, as the majority of clubs seem to be pre-professional or leadership-type clubs (concerned with fundraising, event planning) that you have to apply to versus interest-based groups. I don’t know if a community college would make me happy but it’s becoming harder to see how UCLA will either. I really want to be happy here, I do, I just am not sure how.
Glad to hear you’re seeing a counselor. I would say that this is one instance where settling for “good” is better than looking for perfect. Just pick a club where you think you might like the people and join it. It doesn’t matter if it totally represents your interests. What matters is that you make some friends. So, you’re not into environmental causes, that doesn’t mean you can’t do a “Heal the Bay” beach clean up. Maybe you don’t want to be an actor, but that doesn’t mean you can volunteer to be an extra in a student film (which is a great way to meet new people because there’s tons of time just standing around waiting for stuff to happen). Just do something. It doesn’t have to be your lifelong passion. UCLA is a huge place, which can be scary, but it also definitely has a range of options for you to try new things. Getting involved in political clubs is always a great way to meet people. Good luck from another mom who is rooting for you! You’ll find your tribe!
@happygal867 I just wanted to say that I’ve been reading your thread and am sending you a hug and good wishes. I’m glad to hear you’ve been getting some counseling.
You received good advice from many posters. I’ll just advise to hang in there, continue counseling, go home for thanksgiving, come back to finish semester.
You’ll be gone for summer and then year abroad so no point in changing college for short spring semester. Which country do you want to go to? Focus your time on preparing yourself for that, do paperwork, research online to learn important things about that town. Try to get a part time job to save some travel money.
UCLA is a huge wholesale warehouse sort of school, its not everyone’s cup of tea. Don’t feel bad. At least weather is good, things could be worse. You could be feeling as rotten at Cornell in below freezing temperatures, drowning in student loans and failing two courses. It’s not all bad. Cheer up!
Again, don’t just look at clubs. Look at volunteering, religious groups, a job. Those are excellent ways to meet people and stay busy.
Lindagaf is right! And yes, a part time job is a great idea. Many campus jobs are not stressful or demanding of your time – and a great way to meet people.
If you log onto myucla there’s a menu option to find campus orgs. The full list is there. There is even a pizza appreciation club. It’s just the main ones you see advertising on Facebook and Bruin walk are the professional ones. But plenty of just for fun clubs exist.
My daughter who also attended a large UC has always struggled to make friends. For a long time, her perception is that others didn’t want to be friends with her, as she has matured she realized it was more about her, then about them. Others just seem to have a social ease that she doesn’t have. She has learned it takes her a bit more time and effort. A part-time job did provide social engagement.
I also have two sons that currently attend UCLA. There are loads of groups and Clubs for all types of interests. My boys aren’t into greek life, but play IM sports, pickup games, and joined a “fun” Club (nothing preprofessional). I know others who have tried meetups for hiking, book clubs, and meditation. For one of my S’s the RA organized a talent show for their floor, which is something you could suggest. Or movie night in a common area.
Hugs to you.
First, don’t feel as if there is something wrong with you. Second, many college kids are superficial at the beginning because they feel insecure and act differently than who they are. Third, sometimes it takes time to find friends, and it’s not unusual to graduate without forming great friendships. Even though I knew and interacted with many friends in college, my closest friends to this day are my Middle or HS friends because there are certain shared experiences which cannot be replicated in colleges. Just focus on studying, exercising, finding and doing things you enjoy, and you should be able to meet some people.
Like someone said, at least weather and food are good there.
Please try out the Anime club at UCLA. It is called JAC. It is just the thing for people who don’t have friends elsewhere on campus and want to get to know other introverted but very friendly people. The club breaks itself into smaller family groups and the groups often arrange to eat together at the dining halls or in Westwood as well as doing club type activities.