<p>New here, and i can see what all the fuss is about. My sister swears by this site! My son who is a junior is a great kid. Does well in his high school, very well rounded, great athelete, polite, respected,etc......his most obvious "flaws" would be his sensitivity (not that i consider it a flaw necessarily but he can be overly sensitive at times. And trust me he gets this very honestly from me! :)</p>
<p>In any case he has always had a lot of friends, always been part of "a group" and always been right up there in the social hierarchy.For some strange reason this year things have changed, his usual friends and he (all of whom are great kids, high achievers, they all play sports,etc...) and he are not as friendly. They are friends but its not the same as it used to be. Things have definitely changed and it appears its more them than my son who it seems has made the effort to hang out,etc....but more than once he has been rebuffed. Definitely not the way it used to be. He has other friends, also really nice kids and though he would never admit it, I get the feeling he is hanging out with them more because its "safe" and not making the effort with his old group as much anymore. He says he is happy but somehow I sense a change in his personality he seems more intense, a little less chirpy but still pretty upbeat. He seems more agitated easily. I think he is frustrated.</p>
<p>Bottom line is as with any parent, this completley tears at your heartstrings, at least it does mine in a big way.....and I wonder how much I should intervene? What kinds of advice should I give? My husband is abroad for 8 months setting up a new business in the orient so I am kind of winging things on my own and i have two girls so a boy social issue is new for me. I really want to help him, help him feel good about himself, give him confidence,etc...and could really use some advice from anyone who might have an experience like this.</p>
<p>I am surprised this is happening and perplexed as well. I just want to be able to help him. Thank you.</p>
<p>Often in junior year the ‘groups’ change as the boys and girls start dating and the cliques get more intense. Also “parties” and all that emcompasses tend to start that year. If you have a really open relationship with your son he may tell you why his former friends are not as “close” anymore. My oldest son had big changes in friends junior year and not necessarily for the better, my second son not as much but some shifts, third son seemed to grow friends and they were all good kids…but… there were definite changes junior year and it happened fast after the beginning of the school year.</p>
<p>If he’s lost his old friends because they have started partying and other behaviors, count your blessings. See if you can get some insight from your son.</p>
<p>I agree with momofthreeboys. Groups of friends can change organically or due to differences in attitudes towards dating/drinking/anything else. Be thankful he has another group of friends to be with, some kids get stuck between groups and without friends.</p>
<p>Junior year can really bring changes as couples and cliques form, kids really start to buckle down on their interests and get pickier about their time /friends and some people are making increasingly poor choices. If your son says he’s happy, you may just be worrying more than you need to. You can always throw stuff out there and see if it sticks – how are your friends, is everything okay ---- but I wouldn’t expect him to confide unless he really feels the need. Just be there, and be positive, and concentrate on what he’s doing , not on what isn’t happening. My sons’ social issues were never, ever, made any better by me fussing about them in a “girly way” – their term.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone…wow how nice to see responses so quick! To make clear, they all go to parties and ironically they really aren’t any different, its not like one group or the other is drinking heavily…and for the most part only one kid out of each group has an actual girlfriend, mostly its that they are all just good friends. So its strange and very curious to me…I just have no idea why this happened. It just hurts because I can see it has hurt him though hes a very proud strong kid and not one to act “girly” or wimpy by complaining about it. You know it hurts when they hurt. With my girls, they went through some social tough times, but in all honesty both my girls are high maintenance…and I can honoestly see why and how that happened (though thankfully it always worked out)! With him I am totally stumped. It just doens’t connect and I am thick skinned in being able to admit my sons shortcomings. Do these cliques come and go, do they change or at this stage in the game do they stick?</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters. You may not realize it (16 and 17 year old “good kids” start keeping a lot of secrets once they start driving) but some of his old group of friends may be making “inappropriate decisions” (my dd’s words) and he may not want to rat them out. If he still has friends - honestly I would not worry about it.</p>
<p>I agree with most posts here. Junior year is often when kids change social groups, for many reasons. Some kids get heavier into partying, and social groups can change around because of that and other factors. It could be that the old group is partying more than your son is comfortable with, or it could be that your son has gotten into types of partying that they don’t want to be around. If they’re the ones rebuffing him, and you’re seeing changes in his behavior or moods, it’s worth keeping your mind open to the possibility that he and his new group of friends are getting into drugs.</p>
<p>My son’s group of friends (guys and girls) was exceptionally tight. The changes came about fall of Sr year. Most of them had been dating, but it had more to do with drinking, a bit of drug use, college goals, and some jealousy. Dynamics changed drastically. There were inner cliques and plans made by kids who chose to drink, etc. I honestly told my son to see this as a sign of respect that they didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position, and no one expected him to compromise himself. It was clear where he stood. Where everything before had always been group events, things were very splintered. My son refused to take sides so was often alone. Being Sr. year this was much easier to take. Oddly, by the first major break from college they were all home things seemed to mend and they all got together again. Seems they got over who was accepted to what college, etc. (this seemed to be an issue with the girls), and there was less judgement over who was drinking at school and who choose not to. I would just encourage your son to stay true to himself and his values and understand this shifting later in hs is very common. It doesn’t make it easier, but it is common. Hugs to you ‘mom’ as you navigate this while your DH out of the home for an extended period of time. That is hard.</p>
<p>Your son sounds a lot like mine - he went through roughly the same experience. While the kids are becoming more clannish and insular, the maturation process seems to harden and amplify some of the bad behavior in the boys. They also, just generally, don’t have the same amount of free time.</p>
<p>His main sports team, filled with low academic kids, became a rolling drug and alcohol party. His AP friends sat in their rooms playing games online when not studying. The other kids most like him seemed to break into smaller groups, dividing more on spending limits than interests.</p>
<p>A good kid, especially a social one, will continue to make friends and, in my son’s case, better ones. Maybe encourage him to try something new like Ultimate Frisbee or mountain bike racing (though bikes can be pricey). If he joins the track team he will have an instant social life surrounded by healthy kids. Take the opportunity to connect with him and talk more by inviting him grocery shopping or out for dinner.</p>
<p>Things also seemed to loosen up considerably around winter break of senior year, once college apps are in and grades stop mattering so much. If you start with a good kid, just be assured that all will be well and he will get through this lull just fine.</p>
<p>Hugs to you… rotten situation, I know. My junior S has had something sort of similar off and on forever. The neighborhood “group” of kids has been friends literally since infancy. Off and on over the years, they have included or excluded him for reasons I can’t figure out. Things seem more settled now, and he hangs with the guys while the girls have gone their own way, but I hate when he’s in the left-out periods too. He also wouldn’t talk to me about it. Have you asked your girls if they know what’s going on?</p>
<p>Good news! He gets a new start in college.
Like everyone else has already said, the groups change radically in HS. And most problems (from what I can glean) stem from alcohol and girls. Count yourself lucky. If he says he’s okay…he most likely is…it just gets a bit lonely being the lone voice of reason…and the voice of reason comes from having an already very stable family base which so many kids don’t have.</p>
<p>Momoffour–your original question was, Do I intervene? Answer: No.
Take all your cues from your son. He already knows who he’s dealing with. Tell him to invite whomever over and go from there. If the answer is “nobody”, go for family activities or people outside of school. Life is just like that at times (as everyone here knows!)</p>
<p>If you are sensing some changes in your son, and are worried, there is a chance that your mom intuition is right.</p>
<p>If your son cannot talk to you (which would be normal), maybe he could talk to a counselor (outside of school). This is an age of change and stress, and even the onset of depression and other mood disorders (not suggesting that here, but those can start very unobtrusively). A kid doesn’t have to have some big pathological thing going on to benefit from talking to someone.</p>
<p>To me, it sounds like maybe something happened that your son is keeping to himself. Not necessarily an event, but some change that he could articulate and explore. A lot of parents I know find a male therapist for a kid like this, just for a few visits. (And his Dad is away, so it can be another male support figure.)</p>
<p>It’s hard for moms and sons, when they are in the process of separating. I find, in their twenties, the boys tell me less and the girls still call all the time!</p>
<p>I say, trust yourself. You are probably picking up on something that could be helped in some way, and your son can tell you how.</p>
<p>My S is a junior in HS and I see his friend groups changing too. I suspect that one reason is the availability of different choices kids at this age can make, choices that can make some old friends uncomfortable. Those engaging in risky behaviors can make the more risk-averse uncomfortable, but the risk averse can also make the risk-takers uncomfortable. Another reason, that may be somewhat overlapping, is that interests can become more developed and specific, and kids will prefer to spend more time with those with more similar specific interests.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone. My son was friends with a lot of kids and then slowly stopped mentioning many of their names around Jr year. A lot of these kids were the “alpha” kids - popular, smart, nice, athletic, and I KNEW my son could be just like them!! :D</p>
<p>Well, while these kids were still nice, they were a little “faster” than my son was in terms of socialness, partying etc. I would not have known any of this from my son or from observing, but from hearing it onthe mom network. So now I see these same alpha kids get picked for NHS and class officers and student of the month, because they are confident and more “in your face” kind of kids than S, I have to take heart that he does have friends of his own that he likes and he will be going off to college soon.</p>
<p>As I so often remind my kids, “you don’t want to peak in high school! All those kids who think they are ‘all that’ now, may feel a whole lot differently in college or the work world.”</p>
<p>Let it go. He is not telling you everything, which is fine, but as pointed out friends change, priorities, etc</p>
<p>There are high achieving popular kids who get stoned or drunk. Some mature much faster and can’t deal with someone who may not be as mature. </p>
<p>Your son may be amazing, but maybe he is the one who doesn’t fit, hasn’t grown with the friends. There could be a competitiveness. </p>
<p>And what does rebuffed even mean? If he’s too sensitive and calls people on their supposed misdeeds, then maybe people have figures not worth the bother.</p>
<p>Junior year is uber busy, with priorities shifting. And you need to let go of the class or whatever thing you have going on as it reads thru your posts. These seemingly perfect kids dont want to hang with your son anymore, but gee, these lesser kids do?</p>
<p>Both my son and daughter went through this junior year. In both cases their group of friends started partying and pairing off, leaving some kids on the outskirts. In my son’s case, the group splintered and they became to separate groups. In my daughter’s case, she stayed part of the group at school, but used her training/competition schedule as an excuse to skip the parties, etc. In reality, she had very little free time anyway, and was happier hanging with her teammates. There was another shake-up the beginning of senior year and that sealed the deal for my daughter. She was in season in two sports, plus going on recruiting trips and just could not be bothered with all the nonsense. I worried needlessly both times, my kids handled things just fine by themselves. And it wasn’t until months/years later that I learned the details of what was really going on!</p>
<p>All of my 3 kids went through something like this. My advice is for you to be your son’s “rock” in terms of friendship. In other words, don’t over-analyze, or judge or take sides (not that you would), just be his friend and love him through everything he goes through and he will be fine.</p>
<p>momoffour: I only have boys and this is very different than girls so keep that in perspective as you deal with your son. No doubt it isn’t easy for you flying solo these months but hang in there. Switching friends just happens sometimes and sometimes it does hurt. From what you have said it sounds like your son is dealing beautifully with the changes. This sort of thing is a part of life. My son had a best friend since grade school who he gradually saw less of. This also happened with other friends too. I would occasionally ask questions about these friends and ask if they were still in touch or if they were still friends and my S would give me a brief unemotional update. The important thing to me was that he didn’t seem alone and he did seem happy. i once had a conversation about him not seeing some friends at much. He told me something like that as he got closer to college he realized he wouldn’t be friends with everyone as time moved on and he narrowed his circles and spent more time with fewer friends who were most important to him. He definitely had times that he had big plans with a bunch of kids only to end up at home alone. I focused more on how he dealt with the disappointment rather than worrying about why the changes happened. It sounds you need to sort out how much of what is going on is truely a problem for him and how much is it him just dealing with life. As long as he is a good kid, hanging with good kids and doing good things I would think the important thing is to be upbeat and supportive of the new kids in his life and just discuss the old friends in passing. Particularly with social hierarchy that sometimes happens in hs, I think it is important for us as parents not to buy into that. If he was hanging with the most popular kids and now he isn’t, don’t allow him to see any disappointment about this from you. If you seem to show a sense that he is hanging with friends of " deminished" status and disappointment it will very likely be harder on him than if the new friends are welcomed and you are ambivilent to the heirachy. (I’m sorry if I am off base completely with that, it just occurred to me that it might be a possibility.) If you think he is deeply hurt and just masking a real issue then perhaps talking to a counselor would be helpful. If he is having a moment that he seems unlike himself then perhaps you can mention that. Mention the behavior you are seeing that seems different and you can ask him if he is aware of it. From the things you have said it all seems perfectly normal. Being a teen isn’t necessarily easy. Learning to deal with change and disappointment in a healthy way is part of the gig.</p>