If you see this on the first page, you must grade my essay!!

<p>Prompt: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>"More money, more problems"; a rudimentary, yet undeniably accurate depiction of the consequences of success. Success, whether financial or otherwise has a penchant for creating more problems than it solves. For example, while achieving financial prosperity solves one's money problem, one now has to be concerned with the increased security risks that come as baggage, among other undesirable consequences of achieving a wealthy status. Several examples from literary works and my personal experience clearly demonstrate that success can and has been detrimental to the subject of that success. </p>

<p>The novel "Animal Within", by Brian Shaw tells the story of a prosperous and thriving village that descends into utmost choas, and indigence as a result of the massive amount success brought upon it by the discovery of an oil reserve. Villagers become greedy, robbing and assaulting their neighbours with whom they used to share meals with. Surrounding villages become indignant by the discovery, demanding that they receive a share of the discovered oil. Tumult takes over the land, and families are torn apart by the feigned "success" of the village. Therefore, the happenings in the village portrayed in the book support the notion that success can lead to the ruination of a people, and by extension, the ruination of a community. </p>

<p>Another example stems from my experience both as a classmate and as a friend. In the 7th grade, I was best friends with my classmate, Billy. Billy was an aspiring professional soccer player, he trained tirelessly to one day be recognized for his exceptional athletisicm and skill as a skriker. Eventually, Billy accomplished his dream of being selected for the Ajax training academy, and at that point, he thought he made it. As it turns out, Billy did not make it, his grades plummeted faster than his attitude towards school work. Billy put too much emphasis an acheiving his idea of "success", and it consequently costed him his education, as he was forced to repeat the grade. Thus, it is crucial that we mained focused in everything we do, and refrain from neglecting our duties and responsibilities. Failure to remain diligent in the wake of success can have destructive irreversible consequence. </p>

<p>After careful analysis of Brian Shaw's "Animal Within", and my personal life experiences, one can see that success can indeed become a burden and have deleterious effects on one's lives.</p>

<p>All feedback is welcome</p>

<p>“penchant” is a human quality. Substitute “tendency.” Better yet, simplify “has a penchant for creating” to “tends to create.”</p>

<p>“Billy was an aspiring professional soccer player, he trained tirelessly . . .” The comma should be a period or semicolon.</p>

<p>“As it turns out, Billy did not make it, his grades plummeted . . .” The comma should be a period or semicolon.</p>

<p>The past tense of “cost” is “cost,” not “costed.”</p>

<p>“Thus, it is crucial that we mained . . .” I think you mean “remain”? But use a different word since you use “remain” two sentences later.</p>

<p>Content-wise, strengthen the connection between Billy’s Ajax thing and his plummeting grades. At the very least tell me that one led to the other; right now, it’s only implied.</p>

<p>Okay thanks. </p>

<p>What would you grade it out of 6 or 12?</p>

<p>I would give it a 5 out of 6. It has good examples and transitions, but some of the word choices are unclear. Also, try to end the essay with a bang.</p>

<p>So to raise it from a 5 to a 6 I need: </p>

<p>To use words more appropriately </p>

<p>Link my examples more clearly </p>

<p>Use semicolons and periods better </p>

<p>a better conclusion</p>

<p>Did I miss anything? How exactly do I make my essay “end with a bang”</p>

<p>bump10char</p>

<p>I don’t think you can end this essay with a bang. It’s a solid demonstration of your thesis, but it’s a conventional thesis that takes no chances and presents no surprises. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Just that if you want to end with a bang, you’ll have to rethink you’re entire approach to writing these essays. Which could actually be a risk.</p>