plz grade my essay!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This is one of my first SAT essays I have written. Please tell me what you think and what grade it should get. thanks</p>

<p>Prompt: Can Success Be Disastrous?</p>

<pre><code> While it would be difficult to dispute the fact that success is something beneficial, it is in the exceptions that we discover success can be harmful. After all, people may forget the consequences of thier actions when striving to achieve their goal. Some examples from literature and history support this thesis.
Evidence of success being disastrous can be found in Shakespeare's, "Macbeth". The protagonist, Macbeth, in the beginning of the book, encouneters three witches who tell him that he will gain higher apellations and eventually be king. With this idea of greatness, Macbeth does all he can to become, he murders his best friend, Banquo, kidnaps a family, and murders the king, Duncan, in his sleep. After committing these crimes, Macbeth is haunted by Banquo's ghost, and slowly loses his mind. Also, Macbeth's wife committs suicide because of the guilt of Duncan's murder. While Macbeth strives for success, he loses sight on what really matters to him and begins to lose himself in order to become king.
Adolf Hitler achieved great success in his life that led to catastrophic disasters. Hitler persistently advocated anti-semitism, clearly displayed in his book, "Mein Kampf". As Hitler eventually became chancellor and the predominant leader of Germany, his campaign to indefinetely exterminate the Jewish population had begun. The Holocaust caused the murder of six million Jews. Hitler achieved success, but at a deadly cost.
Further back in history, Julius Caesar exemplified the idea of success being harmful. In ancient Rome, emperor was the highest rank any man in society could achieve. Once Julius Caesar became the first emperor of the Roman Empire, disaster finally struck. A conspiracy had developed for his murder; as a result, his close acquaintance, Brutus, was the one who murdered Caesar himself. While accmplishing his goal, Caesar was betryaed and murdered because of his achievement.
The three examples above serve to briefly exhibit the drawbacks that success may bring. In each of case one man's gain, was either his own or another man's loss.
</code></pre>

2

<p>I would give this a 5 (out of 6). Although I personally shy away from literary illustrations, your three examples do provide compelling evidence for your thesis. Your essay is sufficiently long-- by the word count, I’m guessing you filled (or nearly filled) both pages. Your writing sounds mature and is mostly clear of obvious grammar errors (assuming this is identical to what you wrote). As you’re probably aware of now, the essay did have a few smaller grammar, diction and spelling errors.</p>

<p>You may want to work on including some transitions between your paragraphs, and having a more interesting “hook” or lead-in to begin your essay.</p>

3

<p>thanks for the insight. anymore?? bump.</p>

4

<p>I agree that this would probably get about 9-10/12</p>

<p>A couple of points

  • Beef up your introduction. It needs to draw the reader into your essay.
  • Hitler’s idea of success was purging the earth of an entire race. From his perspective, he was largely successful. The readers don’t worry too much about historical/literary accuracy, but this is something you should know.
  • Beef up your conclusion. I understand that you were pressed for time, but make the last paragraph more substantial. Go out with a bang.</p>

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<p>Literary/historical examples (which the OP made use of) receive the highest scores. Anecdotes and examples from pop culture, not so much.</p>

5

<p>thanks james. I will work on the intro and conc. anny more advice. anyone? bump.</p>

6

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<p>I merely indicated my preference. Do you have any data to support the assertion that literary/historical examples tend to receive the highest scores? This is an honest question, not a challenge. I know that a good number of “released” sample 6 level essays for instance use personal examples.</p>

7

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<p>It’s advice given in Rocket Review, which is highly regarded for its writing section. It makes sense - these are teachers reading your essays, and it’s much more obvious you’re an intelligent student who’s mastered the school curriculum if you make historical/literary connections to the prompt.</p>

8

<p>I’d give it a 8 or 9. The content and examples were good; your writing/phrasing needs some work though. You have a few misspelled words too, but that’s not that big of a deal.</p>

<p>Your syntax isn’t that great so your essay reads pretty choppy.</p>

<p>“The protagonist, Macbeth, in the beginning of the book, encouneters three witches who tell him that he will gain higher apellations and eventually be king.”</p>

<p>First of all, good vocab. Appellations is the type of word they like to see. But, you have 3 pauses in the sentence before you get to the point. Protagonist isn’t that special of a word, so you should change “the protagonist, Macbeth,” to “a man named Macbeth”. However, the real issue with this sentence is your placement of the phrase “in the beginning of the book”. This is an unnecessary and out of place piece of information.</p>

<p>You could write it:
“In the beginning of the book, a man named Macbeth encounters three witches who tell him that he will gain higher apellations and eventually be king.”
or
“The protagonist, Macbeth, encounters three witches who tell him that he will gain higher apellations and eventually be king.”</p>

<p>It just flows better, which is important. Choppy essays frustrate the reader, especially after reading a hundred others. All of your sentences in your second paragraph are long. You need to throw in some short ones. Otherwise, your writing style becomes predictable and annoying. An essay with great syntax blends long, medium, and short sentences in an arbitrary yet genius manner. Don’t write like you wouldn’t talk.</p>

<p>“With this idea of greatness, Macbeth does all he can to become, he murders his best friend, Banquo, kidnaps a family, and murders the king, Duncan, in his sleep.”</p>

<p>Ok same situation in this sentence. I would have written
“Driven by his desire to achieve this greatness, Macbeth; murders his best friend, kidnaps a family, and murders the current king in his sleep”.</p>

<p>Doesn’t that sound better? You were telling too much unnecessary detail here. You did bring Duncan and Banquo back up which sort of justifies telling their names, but not completely. You’re kind of writing book report style, and telling unnecessary information like names.</p>

<p>You could then go onto say:
" Afterward, Macbeth slowly loses his mind as he is haunted by his friend’s ghost. Dually affected by the guilt of the king’s murder, Macbeth’s wife commits suicide."</p>

<p>The end result:
“Evidence of success being disastrous can be found in Shakespeare’s “Macbeth”.In the beginning of the book, a man named Macbeth encounters three witches who tell him that he will gain higher apellations and eventually be king. Driven by his desire to achieve this greatness, Macbeth; murders his best friend, kidnaps a family, and murders the current king in his sleep. Afterward, Macbeth slowly loses his mind as he is haunted by his friend’s ghost. Dually affected by the guilt of the king’s murder, Macbeth’s wife commits suicide. While Macbeth strives for success, he loses sight on what really matters to him and begins to lose himself in order to become king.”</p>

<p>I’d say that reads a bit better. Even my revised syntax isn’t remarkable, but it’s certainally a major improvement. The good news is, you’ve got the hard part down. You’re content supported your thesis and the prompt. Now you just need that extra embellishment from syntax to score an 11 or 12.</p>

<p>I’ve found a lot of really smart people don’t understand the simple concept of syntax. Content is more important, but syntax or content alone won’t get you a perfect score. It’s sorta like this: An an ugly dude (content) in a nice car (syntax) probably won’t get that hot of a date (score). A handsome guy in a beater of a car will get a better looking date. But a handsome guy in a lambo will be chilling with Jessica Alba.</p>

<p>Alright, now that I’ve used my required Jessica Alba metaphor for the day I’m done. This post is ridiculously long enough. If you have any questions I’d be glad to help.</p>

<p>Note- it’s 3 in the morning right now, so I apologize for any mistakes I made or things I messed up. I’m sure there was something</p>

9

<p>6 - 7 for sure</p>

10

<p>if you filled up most of the two pages, then it’d probably be a 9 or 10.</p>

11

<p>Btw that prompt is similar to the june SAT test’s prompt</p>

12

<p>10/12
The only i got against this essay is that its ideas dont really connect. Caesar, Hitler, and Macbeth dont really connect lol.
you guys are too harsh.</p>

<p>i wrote an essay when i was 10 for the SAT and i got a 8. I was 10!!!
the reader literally has 2 minutes to read it. If its a good impression 9+
ok impression 7-9
bad impression 7-.</p>

<p>Its really that simple.</p>

13

<p>thanks guys. anymore would be appreaciated. anyone? bump.</p>

14

<p>one<em>sad</em>korean: While there is a subjective element to grading an essay, there is almost no way an actual grader would score this a 3.</p>

15

<p>I completely disagree with the idea that if you filled up 2 pages with this it would score higher than not. And I think your examples were fine. You writing just needs finesse. And your conclusion could use some strengthening too, I’m assuming you ran out of time on it though.</p>