<p>we've been through this in various ways over the years.
the first time, a neighbor said "I can't believe you think your kid could go to ****ing PRINCETON". try to come up with something that stops them from saying this to you. it's a petty little meanness on their part, at your expense.
Consider - freeze them. Ask straight out..Do you REALLY think Suzy was admitted solely because she was ____? (blonde, black, asian, female, male, poor, rich) Do you have ANY idea of her achievements and work ethic?
sarcasm- my personal weakness, though more likely to go for the throat in real life. "yes, we wondered about HYP's admissions policy, what with Suzy getting in and all. Turns out the crackerjack prize decoder ring really, really works! Fixed up her SAT scores, now she gets straight A's at college..you know".
It is too bad this whole process is seen as a contest, and that they must feel your child won over their child. That is no reason to allow yourself to be used as a way for them to feel better about it all though.</p>
<p>'beauty and brains, just like her mom" There is just no come back for this:)</p>
<p>I'd go with pleasant non-responses as much as possible. My daughter has a friend whose mother inflates and embellishes everything related to her kid. It's become a running joke at this point because she has been caught in out and out lies several times. I don't have the heart or inclination to let her know I know she's lying. It's just easier to let her do her thing and smile to myself about it. I'm not going to get caught up in debating whether her kid or my kid had a higher grade or higher test scores. It just doesn't matter. The grades, scores, college admissions, whatever, speak for themselves as facts. That's reality and there's no controlling what other people want to think anyway. Just hold your head up high and don't get drawn into petty ugliness.</p>
<p>Sax, that's the best answer yet! Especially, if like me, you're getting a bit long in the tooth & wide in the seat, your "friends" will be completely stunned. And it's not mean-spirited or sinking to their level. It's perfect.</p>
<p>We've got the blonde thing working in reverse with my M-I-L. She never quite recovered from the fact that I gave birth to her one and only brunette grandchild. It was hard to accept. A great disappointment. To my M-I-L, blonde hair is not just a physical cahracteristic. It is as much a part of personal character as honesty, fidelity, and bravery. My blonde son has grown progressively darker over the years, and can no longer be called blonde. It must be an outward manifestation of the growing darkness of his soul.</p>
<p>If this had been a one-time, few remarks situation I'd agree to let it slide. It no longer is that. I think letting it go last year led to people feeling
1. it's ok to put daughter down in front of you
2. assume you agree that daughter is there by some fluke rather than why their precious child would be there</p>
<p>At issue really is, how do you develop techniques that will stope people from thinking it's alright to hurt you.</p>
<p>
[quote]
At issue really is, how do you develop techniques that will stope people from thinking it's alright to hurt you.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I like to ask people, "Why do you say that?" It forces them to either say, "Because I want to hurt you," which they'll never say, or "Uh -- uh -- uh ----" and back off. You'll make your point with that simple, non-offensive question.</p>
<p>
Drats. While it's nowhere near as much fun , I have to admit that I've seen this work verywell VeryHappy. A simple "why would you say that?" puts them directly on the spot.</p>
<p>As amusing as latetoschool's approach sounds, there are some people dense enough to believe that kind of stuff and mean enough to spread it around. And it sounds like the people you're talking about qualify on both counts.</p>
<p>When people say anything that seems really inappropriate to me (which fortunately doesn't happen often) I reply, "What a funny question/remark!" It's not actually rude or aggressive, but it lets someone know they've stepped over the line.</p>
<p>A lot of these responses are satisfying to read, but I think the one that would really work is VeryHappy's - it throws the responsibility for explanation to the person who started it all. (If you wanted to play a mean game, you could say you'd gotten some help with all this and would be willing to pass along a name, be forewarned that it's expensive but well worth it. Then give them the name of a therapist and say they specialize in personality disorders(not the college counselor they may have been expecting). When they protest, say "honey, your problems are much deeper than college admissions...."</p>
<p>I've gotten much milder comments along the same lines, so I'll share: you visit a top notch school with d. and a friend comments "it's nice to visit places you can't get into". Does she think I need a reality check? I've been through this before with #1 and think each child is entitled to dream. </p>
<p>On the MIL - mine really IS sweet, but I've noticed if you tell her her grandd. just received a perfect report card, the comments are (predictably, this has happened more than once): (1) "that's wonderful" and (2)"she does other things, too, she has fun". </p>
<p>I find it a little sad that there seems to be a belief that a child that excels academically is necessarily miserable or antisocial or whatever it is we're not naming here. The second comment comes so fast on the heels of the first that it feels like some kind of magic spell to ward off nerdiness. Now I know what's behind this: she's a brunette (and the other GD are blondes.) "Darkness of the soul" indeed.</p>
<p>
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The second comment comes so fast on the heels of the first that it feels like some kind of magic spell to ward off nerdiness.
[/quote]
LOL! Just tell your M-I-L that D joined the cheerleading squad. That should put her mind at ease.</p>
<p>Caligali, I'm blonde, and people said the same thing about me decades ago when I got accepted ED to an Ivy. In fact, I still confront the "dumb blonde" prejudice as an adult. You can't fight it. She can't - except to prove through her performance than she's anything but dumb. </p>
<p>I like mstee's responses, as long as you can remove the defensive tone from your voice. When people ask how's she faring in school, just answer, "REALLY well." If you put the emphasis on "really," they'll know it means that she's getting good grades and fitting in.</p>
<p>Don't let it get to you. Jealous people can also be the meanest. Keep your own dignity and hers by simply smiling at them when you can't muster the words.</p>
<p>As to MIL, I know the situation, but with my mother (lat in life mom, could have been my grandmother). You have to realize (and it took me many years to get there) that it is a generational difference. Girls weren't supposed to be bright. So, she rationalized her achievements by talking about working hard, which to her generation was more of a badge of honor than just being bright. I can't count how many times I heard "It isn't enough to just be bright. You have to work hard to succeed in this world." In your MIL's mindset, she was very proud of her GD. It is just a different way of viewing things.</p>
<p>I love the "Why would you say that?" comment. Those many years of having guilt instilled in me by my parents immediately kicked in, and I could already feel myself shutting down and feeling like I was just called to the principal's office. BTW, these are your "friends?" </p>
<p>And "What a funny question/remark" is also a jewel, but I don't think it will have the long-lasting results of the "Why do you say that?" comment. I think that would make someone think again before they speak, because it makes them sit up and take notice that perhaps they have gone too far and hurt you, without doing it in an ugly way.</p>
<p>And congrats on your wonderful D!</p>
<p>When interaction is unavoidable, I would try answering the comments <em>I prefer to hear</em> rather than the comments they actually say. "Yes, it was an amazing achievement. And it has been the perfect place for her. We're very proud of her." No apologies. </p>
<p>It is a tough line to walk, and each situation has to be evaluated individually. Sometimes no answer is better. Sometimes, "Would you repeat that, please? I'm not sure I understand your meaning," is enough to embarrass the <em>friend</em> into silence. Or, "I'm sure you probably don't mean that the way it sounded?" Or even, "There are lots of good schools out there."</p>
<p>I've been there - I have a kid who graduated from UPenn, and one who attends Juilliard. Both good schools that inspire awe in some, disdain or jealousy in others. There are a large number of folks who are proud and happy for them, and say so. Even so, just telling folks where my kid goes to school (as in, answering a question!) sounds like bragging to some. Sometimes I say the city rather than the school if I think someone will be offended (or even distracted) by my kid's success. It seems silly, yet I also want to be sensitive.</p>
<p>Edit: Oops, somehow I missed page 2 before posting. There are a lot of super responses here. I really like Sax's response.</p>
<p>Great suggestion binx--answering the question you want to be asked. That's certainly what politicians do!</p>
<p>I actually really enjoyed the male responses on this thread; they were gems, and i.m.o. more likely to stop any true nay-sayer (if so) in her tracks than the more tame responses. I totally appreciate what the others are saying about communicating surprise without defensiveness, but in my experience this has rarely worked, unless the person truly is clueless & innocent about an unintended effect -- such as the generational possibility just mentioned. People not clueless, who might be mean-spirited or envious, slide out of the answers, always, by pretending they (1) never said that (2) meant their comments as a compliment, or they change the subject. (Usually they're quite skilled at the latter.) </p>
<p>That said, I admit to being ineffectual when faced with similar situations. I don't receive quite what the OP has; however, I get lots of jealousy vibes thrown my way, regarding my daughters (one in college, one in h.s.). I never really understand jealousy because I've lived long enough to know that no one has a monopoly on anything, and what one is envious or jealous of in another is compensated for by deficiencies or sufferings -- many of which the superficial observer would never know. The jealousy always, always, takes the form of undercutting my daughters (initiated by the jealous or resentful person, not as a response to any "daughter" prompt brought up by me).</p>
<p>The point is, that the jealousy does not take a direct form, and messages delivered indirectly are harder to deal with. I mean, a guy would say, "You know, I'll admit I'm kind of jealous of you for _<strong><em>," or "I wish I had the (whatever) you had," or even "I've got to hand it to you: I admire your accomplishment in _</em></strong>, and I've always wished I could do that, too." (Or alternatively, they'll simply try to beat the pants off that person, but within the same competitive activity, not in devious words.) Sure, guys can play mean jealousy games, too (some even violent or fatal!), but generally their responses fall along direct verbal acknowledgement, or responding through competition, not words. Or, they leave the activity or cut back on the relationship as a third option, to protect the ego.</p>
<p>But many women never let it go. This is particularly true for women who are so absorbed in their own (daughters, usually), that D's accomplishments are perceived as Mom's. And they assume that every other mother is equally as "enmeshed" as they are. So the battle is between the adult women & their psyches, often with little relationship to the true (realistic) level of accomplishment of either daughter. So an outside critic (whether family or not, and sometimes <em>especially</em> family) is in fact actually battling her own sense of inadequacy, but projecting that onto another woman -- through that woman's children.</p>
<p>I don't know why I'm rambling on about psychology as if anyone needs a lecture about it; it's only my way of reinforcing how maddening it all is, because it is in fact irrational -- the dynamics of it. The less aware the jealous person is of her own self-image issues, the harder it is to be rational with this person, I've found -- i.e., say things directly such as "I wonder why you would say that". (If it's really coming from a sense of lack and not from a place of malice.) Because the person does <em>not</em> know why she indeed is saying that, & has not faced her own insecurity or sense of threat/fear.</p>
<p>Remind your blonde D that she can be the super stealth winner of the game of life, whilst every one thinks she is a bit brain dead, she can be coming up with great ideas and great results...under the radar of her "competition" :)</p>
<p>The generational comment is interesting. The grandsons definitely were seen by MIL as "the smart ones", even though the girls awere/are equally bright. But this particular GD was singled out as being not bright and <em>just</em> a hard worker. Maddening.</p>
<p>These people are envious, and they over-identify with their own kids. If their kid didn't get into your kid's school, it is threatening to them. So they find a way of putting you and your child down. It's a ridiculous game. Refuse to play. </p>
<p>"We're very proud of her, she's doing well," delivered with a smile is something they just cannot argue with, and it will end their negative line of interrogation. After all, they don't really want answers, they're just trying to put her down and feel better about their own child. Insecure dopes.</p>
<h1>36- Good analysis--rings true to me.</h1>