Ignore the sniping or defend my kid?

Parents Forum
41

<p>Wow, I really appreciate all the thoughtful and entertaining responses. You guys are great.</p>

<p>The blatant jerks are easy to deal with, it is my friends who upset me. These are people I care about and their families are embedded with mine, so a cold shoulder will not work. We have watched each others kids grow up and I always thought we were equally happy with their successes. Some of these comments, like the easy high school, have not been said to my face but come at me in a roundabout way which makes a response all the harder.</p>

<p>Normally I am a direct person and do not shy away from confrontation, but I have felt sympathetic for their disappointments and grateful for my D's success. Whta I am finding is that letting it go is not the perfect solution as it leaves a residue of hurt.</p>

<p>When my daughter heard about the easy major comment from the Mom of a good friend she just laughed and said it doesn't feel that easy from the inside. So, I guess I don't need to defend her.</p>

<p>I do need to find a way to either let my feelings of betrayal go or come up with a response that will not destroy friendships.</p>

<p>I'm considering the "smart and beautiful like her Mom" solution.</p>

<p>Thanks, everyone.</p>

42

<p>Just a thought - it might be easier to say "smart and cute like her dad." Don't know what you look like, or what your friends look like. If I tried that comment, people would assume my D was neither smart nor beautiful. My sister would be the first to point that out. :)</p>

43

<p>binx--good suggestion. Or maybe "Well, you know, she did win the genetic lottery!"</p>

44

<p>Ignore it. Once she graduates from college and goes on to be successful (which she certainly will), you can let her accomplishments speak for themselves. There will be no need to defend her.</p>

<p>Also, by defending her, you may actually be doing it more for your own ego than for her.</p>

<p>Let it go.</p>

45

<p>Good thought, Stickershock. We don't live nearby so we can fake some pictures of the 'squad'.</p>

<p>Years ago, my FIL was telling his son about a golfing excursion he'd been on and all the accomplishments of the others' adult children. My BIL asked "what do YOU say when people brag about their kids"? (because his own children couldn't hold a candle to these accomplished young adults). Without a pause, FIL said "I've never told my friends I had children." </p>

<p>Now there's a sure way to stop the escalation.</p>

46

<p>"what hurts the most is that some of these people are old friends"</p>

<p>Maybe you need some new friends.</p>

47

<p>I agree with epiph: let it go. If your so-called friends continue the competition, they are not friends. Let them go, too. Or just tell 'em that YOU had to sleep with the adcom to get your D into prestigious U. That should be great fodder for even more gossip. :D</p>

<p>Since you are in Calif, look up the API scores (Calif Dept of Ed) of friends' high schools and compare to your own HS. While not a perfect measure, the API scores in the state track competitiveness rather well.</p>

48

<p>Interesting. "slept with the adcom." Hmmm...reminds me of my first teaching job in the middle ages, when I was just a couple weeks into 21, from the big city, and working in a small, rural, community. I had a student doing independent study with me, and she laughed and asked me if I had heard the rumors about me? I said no. She told me there were rumors about how loose I was, after all, I came from the "big city" and by then I had figured out that the town was too provincial for me and was planning on resigning at the end of the year. At the one and only party I was ever invited to, I walked in with my date, and every single married woman in the room grabbed her husband's hand and didn't let go if I was anywhere near!!!! Oh, I wish I had as much fun as they rumored me to have!!! LOL. I realized that there was nothing I could do (especially when they turned a blind eye to the minister's D and her shenanigans and low cut dresses - also a teacher in the building) so I, who was living on the second floor of an old victorian with octagonal windows on Main St., replaced the lighbulb in the lamp overlooking Main St. with a red bulb. Interesting. No more rumors. So perhaps acknowledging what they say as true would work and shut them up - nothing to make up if there is something verified. It worked for me once.</p>

49

<p>Do you think new friends would be an improvement? These are good people overall, but this college stuff seems to have warped them.</p>

<p>I guess I will try to get my head around the fact that I am not perfect and neither are they. But, oooh, I don't like anyone dissing my kids . . .</p>

50

<p>Re, "Maybe you need some new friends."</p>

<p>Responding from the sidelines (again), the jealousy of others has sabotaged (& eventually ended) more than one formerly strong friendship in our household, and permanently so. Over the years I have lost 4 really close female friends over irrational jealousy issues. Only 2 of those were lost to issues over <em>adult</em>-only jealousy. The other 2 were over maternal jealousy regarding accomplishments of my 2 daughters. And the result of the latter was that each of my daughters lost a true potentially life-long bosom buddy, as the friendships began at a wee age & were fabulously healthy. While the mothers (looking back on it) gave clues to their burgeoning jealousy, in my usual idealism I overlooked these signs & proceeded as if they'd get over their respective obsessions -- given that each of them definitely had capable, talented daughters of their own. Surely, I reasoned, they would see their own daughters as on a par with mine. To me, this was never about the mothers, it was about the mutual attraction of the girls for each other. </p>

<p>Nope. Didn't happen. And to restate the level of irrationality & projection, in one of these 2 cases, the mother was not even jealous of my daughter who was her own (only) d's friend! She was jealous of the accomplishments of my daughter 3 yrs older than hers! </p>

<p>In the second of the 2 "child-jealousy" cases, my female friend's <em>mother</em> actually got involved (in a positive way). She apparently noticed that my friendship with her grown D was mutually beneficial, & did not want her daughter to lose this, & thus encouraged her D to let go of her anger & re-establish with me. The D tried, but I could tell that despite her initial efforts, she was still too consumed with competitiveness to overcome resentments.</p>

<p>In a 3rd of these 4 cases, the Mom and I recovered our friendship, due to the Mom's ability to overcome her own anger with a lot of spiritual resources, and because I'm a friend "forever" & cannot imagine not taking a friend back. However, sadly, the friendship between her D and mine never re-established. They're not enemies; it's just that the corresponding maternal influence was too powerful at the time, overshadowing the possibility of permanent repair.</p>

<p>I see something in common with all the 4 relationships mentioned. It seems that what people (certainly adults, maybe children too) are most over-the-top about, are the aspects that they cannot change -- things they, their children were born with. Very often that is talent of some kind (such as in the arts, or even physical ability based on body type). Very often it is brains.</p>

<p>That gets back to the OP's predicament. People can be jealous of other people with brains either because it infringes on their own territory (concerned someone may outpace them in an area they have confidence in), or because they sense or know they will never (or their children will never) have equal intellectual potential. Worse so, when a child's or adult's potential becomes evident despite a false expectation that it was not there. Previously confident that so-and-so would not blossom, achieve, whatever, it becomes very difficult for them to reconcile reality with their wish-fulfillments.</p>

51

<p>whoa! back up to #36. Men don't play these games? Women are more emmeshed with D then men are with S's? have to disagree. Women may pick up on the insults faster than men ..in this situation. Men imho are far more competition driven and can be just as covert in their hidden insults and attempts at one-upping others. Anywhere from baseball games to math league competitions will bring this out.</p>

52

<p>This is bringing up some very painful memories. wow. Girls are 5, DD has been reading - self taught - for years. She reads a sign in a store, friend smacks her. the dad thinks it shows self esteem and brags about it to me. Also when playing a board game, his dd made up rules, my dd reads them and of course HAS to explain the "right" way. Kid whacks her on the head with the board. Again, the dad tells me this happy tale. Funny but I did not get the dynamics of the family's feelings about my dd. I was too dopey to put it together back then. In middle school the girl turned on my dd, spread horrible mean things about my dd AND called to tell her a new, nice friend was spreading them. Took us a long time to figure it all out. The mom was once my best friend.<br>
epiphany's post #50 covers all the issues that come up. I read the book "get out of my life, but first could you drive me and cheryl to the mall" and the author discusses the pain some parents have when they realize the child is not going to be President Mary, but "just our Mary". Some folks take a long time dealing with the loss of the imagined future.</p>

53

<p>I don't think that I said that men don't react with jealousy, as this is a universal experience. I think I stressed that the varieties of responses tended to be different from what is <em>usual</em> in females. But I don't even think that's the main thing. My 2 points that I meant to stress (perhaps I didn't stress them well) was (1) men tend less to obsess over a long period of time, than women do, overall, and (2) the OP's tale reinforced an archetypical (but not exclusively) female response to jealousy.</p>

<p>So far, I haven't seen any televised spinoffs called The Story of the Texas Cheerleader <em>Dad</em>. Granted, I will agree that I've heard of some pretty potent paternal reactions on the (children's) soccer fields. Some of these culminate in violence! (A point I also brought up in post 36) I just haven't seen a lot of evidence of virtually life-long male obsessions that manifest in campaigns against the rival's child or that child's parent for periods extending way beyond the competitive years in question. I <em>have</em> seen the latter often in females, disproportionate to any actual threat.</p>

54

<p>I have a friend who has three amazing daughters and I tell her I am jealous all the time. I'm jealous of CC posters who have great daughters--and those who have naturally diligent students--and I am happy to say so. </p>

<p>I am happy because their success does not worry me. I happen to believe there is plenty of room in the tree tops--and I happen believe there are plenty of ways to get to the top--and a good amount of time. There is no scarcity of abundance from where I am sitting--only scarcity of imagination or an unfortunate restriction of circumstances.</p>

<p>I don't get "works too hard" comments but I have taken onboard thousands of snipes about over-indulgence. So I spoil 'em. Watch and see if there's method in my madness. Or sue me.</p>

55

<p>Cheers, I love your outlook! There IS plenty of room in the tree tops. Not only that, I know for a fact that no matter how accomplished (smart, talented, athletic, whatever) your child or you are, there will ALWAYS be someone who can do whatever-it-is better. What's so much fun, however, and so satisfying to me as a parent is that my children are truly unique. They are great at some things, not terrific at others, but what's wonderful about them is the totality that is them. </p>

<p>If you compare them trait by trait, you will always find someone who outshines them in each trait. But the whole is greater than the sum of their parts.</p>

56

<p>


LOL. Yes. This has long been my mantra, too.</p>

57

<p>The other side of the envy coin is that none of us know what the future holds. Those who seem to have been born under a lucky star may actually be dealing with significant problems in their lives -- or may have serious challenges in the future.</p>

58

<p>I do feel fortunate, because most people we know and, I think most people in this area, are not prestige hounds and are more likely to celebrate the successes of their friends' children than not. The exceptions in my experience have all been women, I regret to say. I wonder if we're more prone to living vicariously through our children. I'm talking academics and colleges here, not sports. And definitely not things like cheerleading teams or beauty contests--it's hard in VT to find girls/young women to participate in beauty contests. But as far as being crazed about prestige in a college, the only ones I personally know are women. Might be a coincidence...or because I know more men than women.</p>

59

<p>oops, I meant more women than men!</p>

<p>and ejr, very funny about the red light. At one point my son wanted to check out our local church where some of his friends went to Sunday school (he was about 5), I took him, because my H is Jewish and not overly interested in this kind of thing. I saw a male friend and we sat together (his wife wasn't there that day). I heard later that there were rumors that this man and I might be an item...if you were fooling around behind your spouses backs would you do it by going to church?????</p>

60

<p>My 3 kids are all so different, it's been a real education to see how they learn, and as they grow, watch their different interests develop. My oldest son is the intense, serious learner; my daughter seems to have more joy involved in her quest for knowledge - she wants to learn about everything - and my youngest son is the hands on learner who revels in sports and motion. I know my youngest will never be a great academic, and I take care never to compare him to his much more academically inclined brother. But I have no doubt he will succeed in whatever he wants to do - he is such a sunny, charismatic person, as opposed to his older brother who is definitely more shy and moody. He takes such great pride in a hard earned "A", while his brother would focus on his one bad grade and be upset about it.</p>

<p>Getting back to the original subject on this thread, I cannot imagine acting snarky to parents of S's friends who have done really well. One of S's friends was admitted ED to Cornell for engineering, and I remember congratulating his dad when I ran into him. I was happy for him, because his S is a great kid who has always worked hard and done well. If he had a friend who was admitted into an Ivy, I'd be thrilled for them, even if I hadn't previously known they were a top scholar.</p>

<p>I guess I'll never understand people who revel in negativity. Life is far too short.</p>