I'm a disappointment to my parents.

Pre-Med & Medical School Pre-Med Topics
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<p>I recently had a conversation with my parents that I am seeking some insight on. I don't know where I should post, but since I lurk here, I'm giving it a shot. </p>

<p>To give you background, I graduated with a 3.9 gpa, but I didn't well on the MCATs so I decided to restudy, retake, and postpone med. school applications for now. In HS, I was a mediocre student with As and Bs in AP/IB classes and occasional Cs. I made it to a Top 20 college, but my parents were very disappointed and embarrassed at my "failure". When I graduated college but didn't go to medical school right away, my parents said they were very let down again by another failure. </p>

<p>Recently, I had dinner with them, when they expressed their disappointment in my failures again. They said I was far from success, and that I needed to change who I am. I don't know exactly what they mean, but they have told me this as far as I can remember that I need to "change". They never told me what I needed to change, just that I needed to change, if I wanted to receive their support and love. I tried so hard to "change" and please them, but they were always disappointed in me (this also applies to other things: being chubby, having acne, being disorganized and absent-minded, having no sense in style).</p>

<p>I think I reached a point where it doesn't bother me anymore. I didn't go to Harvard or Yale, but I graduated from a decent college with good grades. I worked hard, and maybe I am in over my head, but there's a tiny part of me that thinks I'm maybe not a failure and by other people's standards, I could even be considered a successful person? I don't expect much from my parents, but I think I am disappointed in them for not being able to be proud of me for who I am. I think I also feel angry? that they are always telling me I need to "change" who I am in order to be loved or to be successful. I know I have a lot of shortcomings, but I'm OK with that and don't think I need to change myself in anyway in order to be loved or accepted.</p>

<p>Also, please let me know if I am just being arrogant, but I think that there are a lot of parents who would be proud to have me as their child. After graduation, I pointed out to my parents that I had a really good GPA, and also explained to them the activities, leadership positions, and research I've done, but they weren't interested in hearing about it. They were just critical about my "failures". I asked them (very briefly), if they could be proud of what I HAVE accomplished instead of focusing on my shortcomings, and they flipped out and told me I was being arrogant, and to stop complaining. I only mentioned this ONCE, and it was not to complain, but to point out that I have done some positive things that may perhaps offset the various failures they perceive in my life.</p>

<p>(On a side note - in HS and college, my parents would criticize helicopter parents and how they are not like that, but at least helicopter parents provide guidance: they tell their children exactly what they want them to do, they are supportive and (very) involved to get their children to where they want. My parents were laissez-faire, and weren't very involved, informed, or interested in the process, but then expressed disappointment when the results were disappointing to them. They always criticized parents who "pushed" their children, but I would rather have had pushy, helicopter parents who were supportive and involved and THERE for me).</p>

<p>I'm writing here as a last resort. I want to believe that I'm not a failure, but my parents keep telling me I'm a failure and that they are disappointed in me. I feel like I'm going crazy, too, when they keep telling me I need to change, change, change. They have been telling me this all my life, and they say I'm a failure, and I will never be successful or loved by anyone if I don't change. I'm starting to think that this has nothing with me, and it's about them, but I still don't understand why they say this to me. I'm writing here, because I need some outside insight into this situation, to make sure there is no stone left unturned, that I might actually not be a failure and there is nothing wrong with me that makes me unlovable the way I am. And yes, I come from an immigrant family, in case people ask. Advice appreciated. Thank you.</p>

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<p>You need a counselor to discuss this with, not an online forum with total strangers.</p>

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<p>Yeah but…here we are. :wink: </p>

<p>Simple advice. Screw’em. They are toxic. Send them a card on their birthdays and High Holidays. Don’t take their money and don’t take their crap. Other than that, change your number and don’t tell them where you live. </p>

<p>By the power vested in me as a TSO (Total Stranger Online) , I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee. There. It’s done. Your long nightmare is over. </p>

<p>Don’t want to do that? Then maybe it ain’t as bad as you painted it. But what you posted was intolerable and will destroy any hope you have of a happy life.</p>

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<p>Curious -are you Asian ? Sounds like Tiger Mom parents .You need support from a different source-any other relatives in the picture ?</p>

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<p>^ lol I was about to ask that same question. It reminds me of the family guy spoof with the asian guy and his son becoming a doctor.</p>

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<p>Your grades and academic accomplishments are NOT mediocre. No matter what your parents say. And you’re right - I’d be proud if my daughter ends up with the grades/scores/etc youhave.</p>

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<p>^ Fully agree with SansSerif.</p>

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<p>Even when DS was at the end of freshman year or the beginning of sophomore year, we encouraged him to take one or even two gap years before he applies to med school – if he applies at all. (And this is not because of academic reasons – he has grades comparable to yours in all 4 years. The reason is that we sense that, having grown up in a relatively well-sheltered environment, he may not be mature enough to know what career path he wants to get into in his third year.)</p>

<p>I mention this because I want you to know that not all parents are like your parents.</p>

<p>Nothing to do with this thread: During the 2-week only break between MS1 and MS2, one of DS’s “daunting” tasks is to be comfortably getting into and out of the busy traffic on freeway in a large city. This is pretty late for a kid who has had his driver license since the middle of high school. Oh…an “argument” this summer is that he still insists he does not need a smartphone until the clinical years starts (in order to save money.) We will “force” him to switch to a smartphone after this winter break!</p>

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<p>BTW how not well on the MCATs are we talking ? A 3.9 GPA is very competitive and the only way I see a MCAT destroying that is if you got under a 20. Did you apply to D.O schools to ? Where did you go to college ?</p>

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<p>The other posters are correct, 3.9 is great, what is your MCAT? I don’t know about low twenties, but 28-29-30+ should be fine, depending on your state of residence.</p>

<p>But 1 post and no return in 24 hours makes me think ■■■■■.</p>

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<p>Sorry for the late reply. I haven’t checked much over the weekend. My first post is so long, I wish I could edit it, now that I’ve had some more time to think and am not as overwhelmed. </p>

<p>ImOnOne, I saw one in college. It helped me work through some things, and distance myself from my parents and create boundaries, and that itself has been a major breakthrough for me. I kept going, but it started to get somewhat repetitive (talking about the same things from the same perspectives of two people), and I think I’m the type of person, the more people I talk to and get different feedback and perspectives from, it helps me understand things better. </p>

<p>curmudgeon, thanks :). That made me smile in a long time. I think I emotionally divorced them a while ago, when I was going through some tough things in my life. I never got a chance to tell them- they never really listened to anything I say and would just tell me how hard things are for them, and how it’s my fault that they have nothing to be proud of.</p>

<p>From previous experiences, when something bad happens, they flipped out that I must’ve done something bad to deserve it. I don’t expect much from them, just not the way they react (Ex: in MS, someone was really rough with me, pushed me around, and picked on me in the locker room. I tried to tell my parents, but they just told me there must be something wrong with me, that person must think I’m ugly, unpopular for them to treat me this way and that it was my fault to get treated that way). So in college, when I dealt with something that was traumatic, I didn’t tell them.</p>

<p>I want to do what you say. I’ve created some emotional distance from them. I know this because I’m no longer a huge mess after they scream at me or tell me I’m a failure. But the way they treat me, still affects me. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do what you do, although I’ve been very close. I think maybe I’m just waiting, and hoping to see that one day things will be better, but you’re right in that I need to put the physical distance there too.</p>

<p>fauxmaven, I’m asian yes. I always thought the Tiger parents referred to some variation of helicopter parents My parents don’t really meddle with the process, they just demand results. They never really care or want to be involved, but when it doesn’t turn out well, they flip out like crazy. No, there are no relatives. I’m pretty isolated. my parents have fought with all of my relatives, and family friends we used to have when I was younger. Either the other family will cut off contact/distance themselves completely or my parents will do it (usually the other family cuts us off first). I never got a chance to get too close to anyone when I was younger - I’d request to spend holidays or weekends altogether, but they were so angry at someone for something all the time, they’d refuse to meet or would have a breakdown if I tried to “fraternize with the enemy”. By the time i was in HS, they already cut off or were cut off by pretty much everyone.</p>

<p>sanserif, thank you. That means a lot.</p>

<p>mcat2, I actually agree with you. I think a lot of kids like myself who are more school-oriented can be sheltered. I grew up in a sheltered environment (although not emotionally sheltering), and I’ve always felt like I needed more practical skills or “street smarts” and some time off to think/be sure about my career path. I’m sure even if I’m sure at that time, things might change in med school, but always have thought I need more life experience, experience different things, and have some time to just “grow up” on my own. I sometimes feel like I have the emotional maturity of a high school kid, because I never experienced things normal teenagers do (since I was always just going to school/library).</p>

<p>columbia09 & somemom, I went to UCSD. I got in the low to mid twenties.</p>

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<p>A 3.9 from a UC is a GPA to be proud of! But, a score below 30 in California is rough, really rough, CA has very high numbers. If you are going to pursue med school and will be remaining a CA resident, you should consider OOS schools, like AZ, TX, etc. </p>

<p>How do you feel about the MCAT? Was the score commensurate with your practices?</p>

<p>As to your parents, you cannot change them, do not try, you just need to find a way to get to a place where they have no emotional power over you. You don’t really respect them as human beings, so try to get to a place where you realize you don’t care what they think as you have no interest in being anything like them. You can still maintain a polite cordial acquaintance type of relationship, they don’t even have to know how you feel. Just limit your interactions to things that are ‘safe.’</p>

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<p>Go get a post bachelor research job (like mayo, or…), and in the meantime, retake MCAT. </p>

<p>Your parents still love you no matter what. So just calm down. Plan your career and have goal in mind, you will be a successful person. With GPA 3.9, you should be able to enter Medical school, vet or dental school, pharmacy. Bless you!</p>

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<p>Again the MCAT is just a test that you take on a particular day. IMO, the GPA should far out weight it but i don’t run the system. Have you considered D.O school ? In the U.S, a D.O and a M.D are almost identical. Plus I was told that they are very forgiving over MCATs compared to M.D schools. They care more about the person, and don’t get me wrong scores and GPAs are very important here to. And if it’s true about your parents, they really need a consoler. Why didn’t you even apply for? And BTW a As - Bs student is not mediocre. That’s more Bs and Cs</p>

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<p>“I’m starting to think that this has nothing with me, and it’s about them…”</p>

<p>You are correct. You should be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. And you are correct that many parents would be thrilled to have a child with your academic record. Try to accept the possibility that nothing you do may “change” them and live your life to please yourself. If they can be supportive, great, if not, it is their loss. You just may not be able to expect very much from them. But, know that you are a success!</p>

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<p>Sure, the MCAT is just one test on just one day and it might not reflect your true abilities or whatever. But the thing is, the USMLE step 1, step 2, and step 3 are “just tests on just one day” (except 3 might be longer?). Tests to remain licensed in your state are “just tests on just one day.” Etc etc etc. If you’re going to be a doctor, you’re going to take a boat load of just one tests on just one days, so I think it makes perfect sense to require one of those tests as an entrance criteria. It doesn’t end with the MCAT!</p>

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<p>OP, Frankly,
I would be dissapointed in my own failure as a parent. Your description of your parents does not fit into picture of loving and caring parents at all. I could not finish reading, very sad…</p>

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<p>They tear you down even though by any other standard except theirs you would be considered a success, they call you a failure because you’re not already in med school, they are in a fight with all your relatives and family friends… no, it’s them, not you. If you really want to become a doctor I know people who eventually went on to med school and became doctors after some gap years working other jobs after college. But if you want to become a doctor solely to please your parents, consider that given their nature I wouldn’t put it past them to still be dissatisfied with you even after putting in all those years of study and internships and residencies because you might choose to become the “wrong kind” of doctor. They expect you to change to please them but they will never change. And even if you do they may still be unhappy with you. So you must take charge of your own happiness and future and start to find your own direction. This may mean distancing yourself from your parents as the rest of the family has done, but what are your alternatives? They will grind you down so long as you let them have power over you financially and/or emotionally, and that is not a very nice way to live.</p>

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<p>Quote: Sure, the MCAT is just one test on just one day and it might not reflect your true abilities or whatever. But the thing is, the USMLE step 1, step 2, and step 3 are “just tests on just one day” (except 3 might be longer?). Tests to remain licensed in your state are “just tests on just one day.” Etc etc etc. If you’re going to be a doctor, you’re going to take a boat load of just one tests on just one days, so I think it makes perfect sense to require one of those tests as an entrance criteria. It doesn’t end with the MCAT!</p>

<p>I agree but I was criticizing the weight on the test not that they give it. What you did in 4 years is more important versus on a single day in May. But that’s just me.</p>

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<p>Columbia-- for the USMLEs there are severe consequences to not doing well on these “just one day” tests.</p>

<p>Not only will your field of specialty be largely determined by these exams, but all the USMLEs are 3 strikes and you’re out. Fail once and you can re-take, fail twice and you are in deep, deep trouble. (Will likely have to repeat MS1 or 2 or both, and will not match into any residency.) Fail a third time you are forever prohibited from taking it again and will never get licensed to practice medicine no matter what your grades look like. (Yet you will still have medical school debt to pay off and without a doctor’s salary to support it…)</p>

<p>And it does happen. Read some of the sad, sad stories on that other medical school message board.</p>

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<p>Ouch, WOWmom, I’ve always wondered if that kind of thing happened!</p>