I'm really unhappy. Can anyone give me advice?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I'm a sophomore in college right now, and I'm just really upset with how everything's going. The only friend I have is my roommate, but I'm not satisfied with our relationship, because even though she's nice and we get along, I don't really give a damn about her. I have no interest in her life, and when she talks, I tend to zone out. I don't feel that spark that I usually feel around good friends. </p>

<p>I don't have great social skills and my self-esteem is extremely low. The main reason (other than the fact that I used to be bullied) is that during my last two years in high school, my best friend got a new group of friends (who all didn't really like me), and I got so used to being the "fifth wheel nobody wants around" that now I kind of automatically go into social situations feeling unwanted. I just always feel like either nobody really likes me and would prefer if I wasn't around, or like they're just indifferent about my existence. </p>

<p>I've always had a very, very small group of friends (it's always been like a maximum of two really close friends at a time and then a few other less close friends), but for the past one or two (almost three) years, I've had NO ONE who I can call a best friend, or even really a friend (by my standards anyway). I'm starting to feel like I'll never have one again. The best friends I always had really wanted me around, and they'd say stuff like, "If you don't go, then I'm not going either," and I would sort of be the same way. My roommate and I are close, but I don't like her all THAT much. I don't know what my problem is. I just can't make myself feel that genuine interest for her.</p>

<p>I think my biggest problem is that I'm too insecure. I always feel self-conscious around people. I've lost the ability to just "be" in a situation and let it flow naturally. I analyze everything and I have to think about everything I'm going to say. It's hard to get in the moment when I'm too busy being self-conscious. I don't know how to be comfortable anymore, especially since I'm always telling myself "be comfortable" which makes it harder for some reason.</p>

<p>I'm not looking to be popular. I just want one or two people who I feel a genuine, human connection with. I go to a small college, and the majority of the people in my classes are really anti-social as well (we're artists), so I think I'd have to look for friends from other majors. I don't know how to do that, though. It's too late for me to join a club. I'm not good at sports. </p>

<p>I was thinking about transferring to another school, but there really aren't any options, because none of my credits will transfer which would make all the money I've spent up until now a complete waste. And besides, even if I change schools, my problems are still going to follow. When I was in high school I used to think that all my issues would be gone once I started college because I'd be around new people, but I've slowly learned that that's not true. Low self-esteem is gonna follow me everywhere.</p>

<p>Oh, and by the way, just in case anyone's wondering--no, I am not ugly and that is not the reason I have no friends. I'm just ridiculously inept at socializing with people. </p>

<p>I guess if anybody has any advice for me, it would be great. I feel like I'm going to lose my ability to talk from lack of using my voice these days.</p>

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<p>Just keep your head up girl :smiley: I know it seems really sucky now, but things get better with time (: sorry that’s all the advice I have :(</p>

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<p>Oh my gosh. I was EXACTLY like this for a period of three years in middle school/HS. It was miserable. I think I know how you feel. I read your entire post and it totally described how I felt too.</p>

<p>Honestly, the best thing I did was to make another social circle. The people in my main social circle were very mean and clique-ish. So I joined another main social circle to have some relief. I got out of the bad social circle as soon as I graduated from the group, and I focused on the good one.</p>

<p>Focus on your work rather than the people. Don’t let other people get you so down that your valuable work is not as productive or good. Use your experiences/emotions to fuel your work.</p>

<p>Don’t blame it on yourself. It’s not necessarily your fault. Some people are mean and will not go out of their way to be inclusive and make you feel cared about.</p>

<p>The paragraph about forcing yourself to “be comfortable” was really interesting, because I was struggling with the exact same thing. What I did was practically force myself to say something. I addressed it consciously as a real issue rather than just dismissing it as something that would get fixed when I told myself to be comfortable or “be myself.” Or, just sit there and wait it out.</p>

<p>I really feel for you. I hope things get better eventually, since I know how hard it is to make yourself get up and go to class every day feeling like that about those people. Just remember to value yourself and your good qualities. Let me know by PM if you ever want to talk.</p>

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<p>So, you’ve foun d out that simply waiting for the situation to work in your favor doesn’t work. You’ve identified a few problems. Now, it’s up to you to fix them if nobody else will. After all, if eveyrone else is like that, nobody will have friends. The sad truth is, this applies to a good majority of people, and only a small bit actually take the action to make friendships happen. People with friends are just lucky enough to have met those few that actually make it work, but when those people aren’t around, you got to step up and be that person. That person is basically the popular person with lots of friends that everyone likes.</p>

<p>Let’s go over what a close friendship is. A close friend is someone you care about and is also there for you when you need him/her. However, before that can happen, the bond has to form. Before the bond can form, you have to allow it to form. Before you can allow it to form, you have to make that a possibility. Before you can make that bond a possibility, you have to meet the person. Before you can meet the person, you both have to acknowledge each other’s existence.</p>

<p>There’s multiple things to do at each of the layers. What to do consists of social skills. If you don’t have certain academic / work-related skills but want them, you would learn them. The same applies to social skills. Go out and start building them. There’s several good self-help books. In any case, here are some basics:</p>

<p>Everyone starts off as strangers. They become acquaintences with introductions. You should start introducing yourself to people and treating them as friends when you meet them. After all, if some random acquaintence treated you as a friend, wouldn’t you reciprocate because s/he was such a nice person? That gets you started.</p>

<p>Now, once you know people and are doing activities with them, you got to make the close friendship happen. The difference between a close and casual friendship is that of trust and care. However, the chain must start somewhere. If the other person is cool, the close friendship might just happen, but most of the time, the other person simply just doesn’t trust you to the level of a close friend, and as a result, they don’t really care that much about you. However, you can gain another person’s trust by stepping up to the plate: after hanging out with a certain person enough, make the effort to make sure that all is well and be there for them when they need it. If they’re like you and happen to encounter a situation where they really needed a friend but had nobody, they will welcome you as that friend that cares. As a result, they start to trust and value you (hopefully) and a new close friendship is formed. Rinse and repeat, and you will be a happy, popular person with several close friends and even more casual friends.</p>

<p>Now, you may be asking about the case where someone just makes the friendship go one way. Or, maybe the bond just doesn’t happen no matter how hard you try. That simply explains why not everyone is a close friend, but at least if you try, you won’t lose chances at becoming close friends with someone.</p>

<p>The basic idea is: someone has to make all this friendship stuff happen, and if nobody is doing it, you got to step up and do it. You have to make an effort to be a likable person so others will like you. They will then care about you. At that point, you can decide whether or not you like them back.</p>

<p>Yes, it sounds really artificial, but that’s how the world works. Back in high school, that was my situation. However, I decided to experiment around in college figuring out that my social situation couldn’t really get much worse. Well, now I have a good number of close friends (both male and female) and a plethora of parties / people to hang out with. Yes, I’m still improving and refining my social skills as time goes, but the stuff I described has really turned my world around for the better.</p>

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<p>I think all of the advice in this thread is very good so far. Remember, it’s never too late. I’m sure many clubs still have open doors.</p>

<p>I suggest taking a moment to look at yourself. When you meet people, how do you act? You might not realize it, but you may be giving off shy or unfriendly vibes. Think about how most of your best friends became your best friends. </p>

<p>I think a great start is with the people around you. After class, tell a classmate that your hungry and ask if they’d like to go out and grab lunch or coffee. Ask someone to help you study. To explain something to you, to show you around, or just to plain hang out!</p>

<p>Have you thought about joining a sorority? It’s too late for this year, but you still have next, and great bonds are formed through them.</p>

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<p>Just wear tons of makeup</p>

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<p>I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact same thread a long time ago…</p>

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<p>Not surprised. It’s an extremely common issue.</p>