immature son/gap year?

Parents Forum
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Again…what is he saying? **This is important. Is he saying that he is going to college, no matter what? </p>

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<p>Well, if he wants/thinks that he wants to go to college next fall, then write up some/all of the above listed items, give them to him as a contract, and say, “sign here, do these things, otherwise, no money for college.” *Period</p>

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<p>another option is to also include in the contract… He must work over the summer and put those dollars towards R&B…he must also take out student loans. If he gets good Freshman grades, then you’ll pay him back.</p>

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<p>“I understand your concerns, but it seems a little late now to be telling him you’re no longer willing to pay for college at all for next year…”</p>

<p>Not necessarily. Circumstances change. Unforeseen things happen. I can tell you that D did some things her senior year of high school and into the summer that I did not imagine before. I had been focused on academics.</p>

<p>I can certainly see circumstances where a parent could and maybe SHOULD say, Woa! Not on my dime, buddy. You just don’t seem to be making good choices.</p>

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<p>Thanks for your replies, I do appreciate them. Gives me a lot to think about.
I really am torn… do I role the dice to see if he can keep his grades up and stay in school or do I force him ( yes force him) to do a Gap year to grow up. Left to his own devices at home he would do nothing - and THAT aint happening! :slight_smile:
He has known for a long time that he has to have some skin in the game - it is not a surprise to him.<br>
I feel that sending him to school in the Fall is a gamble, like a previous poster said, it could erase his wonderful HS transcript. He looks good on paper. Am I willing to gamble with my own money?? I guess I can go the contract route and make him pay us back if he blows it. My main objective tho is to do the right thing for him, I want him to succeed.
It is nice to know that others have the same issues, the strong-willed child is not a myth.</p>

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<p>I’m not for the contract and I’m not for forcing someone to do this or that. At some point you both have to realize that the future he wants demands choices. </p>

<p>I am very real with my kids. They know that I didn’t have a quarter of the stuff they’ve known all their lives when I was growing up and that they own none of it. They know that as they leave the nest, they are leaving empty handed.</p>

<p>They know that video games, cell phones, housing, cars, gas and everything costs money. They know that I will continue to supply these tools and luxuries while in school but that once out of school, for whatever reason, that I am no longer liable for the cell phones, gas, video games, food or anything at all. I remind them too that they need to fly right if they like those things. They can fail classes without an iPhone just as they can with one so why would I pay for one if they failing. If they are making the grade, I may consider the iPhone a useful luxury and pay for it.</p>

<p>Ultimately, you have to be real with your son. Go to college as a stepping stone to a more prosperous life or screw it up and lose everything you love so much - games, phones, car access and gas, etc. This works but kids need constant reminders of reality. They go off to lala land easily and frequently.</p>

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<p>While it might seem that it is late in the game for the high school senior to have a bar to reach in order for him to have funding for college - if he hasn’t signed a contract to attend, it isn’t too late.</p>

<p>If you feel that his first year will be a disaster, then I think you have an obligation to withhold funding unless you can be convinced otherwise.</p>

<p>Thankfully I didn’t have this problem, both my kids planned for a gap year. And they really could have used two.</p>

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<p>I feel for you OP. I can’t weigh in as the term immature can be used to mean many things. I would say in general if your son isn’t getting himself up and out the door on his own as a high school senior, if he needs parental supervision to ensure that he turns homework in, if he has poor impulse control (has had problems with making bad social decisions) and if he needs to be reminded to set aside study time and enough guts to tell his friends that he needs to study then he’s probably not ready for college. If in addition to these milestones, he’s a “young” senior and would be a “young” college freshman that might be enough to plan a gap year. If he’s simply rebellious but is not harming himself or his grades or neglecting study-time that might not change UNTIL he’s away from you. I’ve raised three boys and I’ll take a 4 year old any day over a 17 or 18 year old man-boy who is in the process of separating from “mom.”</p>

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<p>ldavis, I am SO biased, because, I’m at the other end of a plan that turned out badly. I can play the coulda-woulda-shoulda game with myself, but the truth is you just don’t know. You’re kind of rolling the dice either way.</p>

<p>Have you checked to see if you can defer a year and still keep merit scholarships and honors status? That would be my first step. I’d find out about deferment, and how long you have to make a decision.</p>

<p>Then I’d get some life-coaching for your son - family counseling…just saying that you’re at a pivotal point, and you’re not sure what to do and an outside person who is familiar with human/adolescent development might be a good brain to pick. Who knows? Your son may get an “aha moment” in the counselors office, and things could really turn around in a matter of a few months.</p>

<p>Either way, good luck, from the bottom of my heart, and let us know how things go! :)</p>

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<p>My daughter did a gap year. She applied to colleges senior year and deferred. We suggested it. We thought it would give her a little more experience managing her own life responsibilities and schedule, without the need to learn these lessons while also keeping up with school work. She was on a program that had some volunteer work, some didactic work, and a lot of communal living/getting along with others stuff, and required the kids to manage their own money/schedule/priorities/etc.</p>

<p>Some of the kids on the program were high-achieving go-getters with college plans. Some were kids with no plans for after the gap year…drifters, really.</p>

<p>One of the nice things about the program is that the kids who weren’t ready to do what needed to be done to take care of the business of life, heard about it from their PEERS. If they wouldn’t get up in the morning, wouldn’t pitch in around the flat, didn’t take a turn making dinner, kept their belongings everywhere, showed up late to group activities, their PEERS would give them hell about it.</p>

<p>And apparently, that worked. My daughter said the transformation in one of the kids in the program was really remarkable. He grew up a lot, got some focus, made some plans.</p>

<p>I think it was also helpful for my daughter to be forced into the role of the person who WAS willing to take responsibility for things…made her more responsible, less passive. (Although, to be honest, she could still work on that a bit!)</p>

<p>BTW, every school she applied to was willing to defer, and there was no problem holding her scholarship.</p>

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<p>*I really am torn… do I role the dice to see if he can keep his grades up and stay in school or do I force him ( yes force him) to do a Gap year to grow up. Left to his own devices at home he would do nothing - and THAT aint happening!<br>
He has known for a long time that he has to have some skin in the game - it is not a surprise to him.
*</p>

<p>Since you’re rather certain that he wouldn’t spend a gap year productively, then that isn’t much of an option. Even working 8-5 (which sounds unlikely) might leave him with too much free time if he’s not also contributing to the household (weekend chores, cleaning his bathroom, and doing his own laundry).</p>

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I feel that sending him to school in the Fall is a gamble, like a previous poster said, it could erase his wonderful HS transcript. He looks good on paper. Am I willing to gamble with my own money?? I guess I can go the contract route and make him pay us back if he blows it. My main objective tho is to do the right thing for him, I want him to succeed.
It is nice to know that others have the same issues, the strong-willed child is not a myth.*</p>

<p>it sounds (to me) that it’s a big gamble to let him stay home and do a gap year.</p>

<p>How much does his scholarship cover? Full tuition? Half tuition? (how much are you responsible for?) </p>

<p>How much is his room and board and books?</p>

<p>What is he saying about next year?</p>

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<p>I say send him. It’s a gamble either way. A gap year sounds like a waste though.</p>

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<p>My daughter didn’t have to request her deferral officially until the middle of the summer.</p>

<p>Could you potentially articulate for him the behaviors you would need to see from him in order to feel confident that he will succeed freshman year, and let him know that he will need to request a deferral if he does not fulfill those expectations by, say, July 1?</p>

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<p>OP, have you thought about community college? It’s not the path for everyone, but it can serve as a wonderful transition between HS & 4-yr college, particularly for students who may benefit from a gap year. It also helps a student keep his/her hand in the coursework even as they try other things,</p>

<p>You asked for experiences, so I will share ours with you. I’ve written about this before on CC. My S1 was an average student with average test scores in HS. He applied to & was accepted at a military college with a highly regimented program. This was his dream, not what we would have chosen for him. We took him to college in August, dropped him off & returned home. Less than 48 hours later, I got a phone call from S1 saying, “Come & pick me up, I’ve resigned.” I cannot begin to describe how embarrassed, angry, and disappointed I was - I probably cried the entire 3-hr trip to pick him up. Picking him up was also one of the most humiliating experiences in our lives, as he was marched out in front of the assembled cadets & handed over to his parents. We picked him up on a Monday, licked our wounds on Tuesday, I took him to CC & registered a shattered kid on Wednesday & sent him off to class on Thursday. He also went back to the coffee shop where he worked during HS & asked for his old job.</p>

<p>However, what seemed to be a disaster was perhaps one of the best things that ever happened to S1. Over the next 2 years, he learned how to juggle work (20-25 hrs/week) and classes. He learned responsibility & time management. He told me that “working for Big Bucks coffee was the best argument for getting a 4-yr degree.” He started getting A’s in his classes (he was a B/C student in HS). He lived at home & did his own laundry. In short, he grew up. I never registered him for class again or oversaw his schedule - he took over & ensured that he completed all required courses. After completing his AA & maintaining a minimum 3.5 gpa, he was able to transfer to our state flagship, a nationally-ranked university for which he would not have been competitive out of HS. All of his credits from community college conveyed. We saved a lot of money, he grew up & learned to excel, and he appreciated his time at a better college than he could have attended straight out of HS. He graduated from college in 2010, has a great job & is establishing a good reputation in his field. I am a very proud mother - something that I could not have said at the beginning of this journey.</p>

<p>OP, I am not suggesting that your DS follow the same route as my S1. My S2 took a completely different route than his older brother. Everyone must find their own path. But I am telling this story to encourage you because they DO grow up; some just take a little longer than others. Community college is an option you might consider, but as someone wisely suggested upthread, you should also check how this might impact your son’s merit awards & acceptances to Honors colleges.</p>

<p>Finally, you asked about other gap year programs besides Americorps. If your son enjoys the outdoors, he might benefit from the National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) or Outward Bound, which offer leadership programs.
[National</a> Outdoor Leadership School | About NOLS](<a href=“http://www.nols.edu/about/]National”>About)
[Outdoor</a> Leadership Programs | Outward Bound](<a href=“http://www.outwardbound.org/]Outdoor”>http://www.outwardbound.org/)</p>

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<p>Thanks 12rmh18…that’s interesting and heartening. I can imagine how low you must have felt picking up your son… and how proud you must be now. I will check out Outward Bound etc… I think if he does not go to college we will have him in an “away” program, something structured but not under our roof. I will be checking on deferment too, thanks for those suggestions everybody.</p>

<p>This is Day 2 of DS getting himself up for school and making his own lunch, he was in a foul mood and wouldnt talk to me. I must be doing something right.</p>

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<p>“This is Day 2 of DS getting himself up for school and making his own lunch, he was in a foul mood and wouldnt talk to me. I must be doing something right.”</p>

<p>LOL! :slight_smile: I hope things get better soon. That attitude is half the battle!</p>

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<p>Thanks Cromette… you are so encouraging :)</p>

<p>I have set up a new group, Gap Year, for any parents that want to continue this discussion as Spring rolls on…</p>

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<p>I feel like there is no “we” in this, at least in terms of your son wanting to do this. I have my own moment of helicopter parenting, but this just feels like micromanaging. If you force him/direct him/help him fill out applications for a “gap” program, he will be no more invested than you apparently think he will be in college. You seem to think he will do some kind of miraculous “growing up” in one year in a program that you arrange for him. I think that is a pipe dream. It seems to me that you need to get HIM to make a decision between:</p>

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<li><p>College with some kind of contract/arrangement so he has financial skin in the game AND knows he is coming home to CC if he doesn’t perform (I still think that is what will work best for this kid – my sense is that he is spoiled, not incapable).</p></li>
<li><p>Gap year program that HE picks/organizes</p></li>
<li><p>Move out and get an apartment on his own dime</p></li>
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<p>Get your spouse on board, and sit him down this weekend and give him these choices. Then stick to it. Stop spoiling him (by micromanaging his gap year if he takes one, you are just continuing the same pattern that got you into this trouble to start with). Sorry… just feels like as long as YOU own planning his life, he will sit back and coast along.</p>

<p>By the way, I have D2 coming up on having to decide between colleges. I already know that she is going to try to defer the actual decision to me. :slight_smile: I also know that I am NOT going to decide for her. I will help her lay out pros & cons, but she owns it. As does your son. You just need to make the parameters clear to him.</p>

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<p>Im sorry but I dont think you are understanding the problem. He wont do anything…
and I wont let him lay around here with a part time job @ wherever… for a year.
I am trying to preserve a great HS Transcript and ACT score while still getting him out of the house to grow up! It may turn out that we will give him 2 or 3 Gap Year program options and he will choose. But right now he thinks he is going to college with a 25% merit scholarship ( when it could have been half or full) and that we will pay most of it.
While breaking all the rules in the house and expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
no way.</p>

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<p>So tell him he is going to take out loans that you will only pay back if he actually performs in college. I just don’t get the vibe that he is going to be unsuccessful in college. What I do sense is that he is being a pain in the a** at home right now, and you don’t want to spend money on college for someone who is being so annoying. That is not the same as him not being successful. This honestly feels more like parenting issues than college issues… Clearly you can’t stand to have him living at home for the next year. But don’t want to spend the money on college. And don’t want to make him pay… I just don’t see the gap year as any kind of answer in this situation, especially if he doesn’t see any need to do it.</p>

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<p>I don’t think what she’s suggesting is too far off of what you are saying, intparent.</p>

<p>IF he doesn’t go to college, then she’ll have him in a gap year program away from home. No biggie. Sounds good to me.</p>

<p>A lot of 18 year old kids are not ready to fully be given the reins, and still need a lot of guidance.</p>

<p>There’s a difference between parental guidance of an 18 year old and helicoptering. There IS a balance that can be struck.</p>

<p>It might surprise EVERYONE how a discussion with this kid about the possibility of a gap year program like Outward Bound would turn out. I would have that discussion. Those kinds of programs give a kid time to reflect and learn about himself. He might actually WELCOME that opportunity. You might not have to FORCE him to do anything. If he’s interested in a gap year program, you might ask HIM to research opportunities that fit into a group of criteria and pick one. For instance, it has to be under X dollars, it has to be in the continental US (maybe or maybe not), it has to either teach leadership and responsibility, serve others or both, etc.</p>

<p>Then he could pick one, if he likes the idea. I LOVE IT.</p>

<p>If he refuses to research it - you can’t really make an 18 year old do it…of course, you’ll have to come to some kind of agreement.</p>

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<p>“I just don’t get the vibe that he is going to be unsuccessful in college.”</p>

<p>He wont do anything himself…does that spell success to you?!</p>