Right, I agree that undermining the parents’ wishes or beliefs is not a good idea in general, nor is engaging in power plays.
But I think that people should not take well-meant actions amiss. For example, I think that someone posted above that they did not want anyone else to give their child his/her first shirt? First holiday shirt?
That is not a common enough custom in most cultures for people to take it for granted that something would be wrong with buying a child a shirt. In fact, I had never heard of it before. I think that you should inform people in advance if you have some wish/requirement/custom like this. Or else react graciously to a well-meant gift.
I’m not sure if that was me, but it wasn’t a shirt, it was the outfit for the child to wear to church on his or her first Christmas Eve. I would happily accept any gift, but it wouldn’t be worn for that particular occasion, that’s all. Not thrown back, but worn at some other time. I was just using that as an example of how the OP’s DIL might have a backstory that she doesn’t know.
Lots of people give baby clothes. One of my friends was offended at how much girly stuff (dresses) his newborn daughter got. He thought it was an odd gender awareness thing. (Too late, bud, I already sent the dress. 30 years ago, btw.)
I don’t think it’s really "giving " the holiday shirt that offends. It’s the then expectation it’s “the” shirt and the kid has to wear it, this holiday, regardless of the mom’s ideas. That happens. It’s not limited to some stiff cultural practices.
This discussion is making me remember holidays when my kids were little. Everyone wanted to dress my kids. I would gather together all the gifted holiday outfits, and dress the kids in one set, take a photo, change them to the next outfit, take a photo, and so on… I sent the photos with the thank you note for the gift. For the official holiday photo card, it was the outfits my mother had picked out for them because I told her early on she could dress them however she wanted. And that was one of her great joys in life. And it saved me a lot of time and money.
a lot of this is pretty funny to remember at this point
OP, try not to take it personally that the mom spends more time “hanging out” with her mom than “visiting” with you. . She can’t possibly feel as comfortable with you as she does with her parents simply because she’s know them forever.
The breastfeeding issue magnifies this. At my parents’ house, I could fold a blanket over my shoulder and discreetly nurse without ever leaving the room. While my mom hadn’t nursed and honestly thought it was kind of weird, she knew me well enough to refrain from commenting.
On the other hand, my D was the #19th grandchild on H’s side, and none of his sisters or SILs breastfed. Honestly, I think they all thought there was something sexual or somehow dirty about it. So, it wasn’t enough for me to leave the room (which I had no problem with) to nurse my kids; I’d get “suggestions” like, “Maybe you should go to the 3rd floor just to be sure that one of the cousins doesn’t walk in on you.” Hmm, it’s summer and you have no A/C–but sure, let me and baby sweat up there for 20 minutes each nursing session because you’re uncomfortable with breastfeeding and want it conducted as far away as possible.
MIL and I have grown to have a lovely relationship now, but I have to say: Reading this thread gave me flashbacks about how much I sometimes resented her when they were babies.
Lots of good advice above about keeping your eye on the prize.
By the time my mother was on her third grandchild, the nursing daughter/daughter-in-law stayed put where ever she happened to be, no cover-up at all was suggested, and anyone who wasn’t comfortable was expected to leave the room and not upset the nursing mom and baby. So I give her a lot of credit there.
And she would stare down seemingly disapproving on-lookers when we went out with nursing babies. And she did that for all her DILs as well as her daughters. We were all going out shopping and to lunch and we were bringing those babies and that was that.
and that was definitely not how she was brought up
Sounds like you do need to stay on her good side, though, to have access to the baby.
{{ hugs }}
Hopefully she’ll grow up. One of my brother’s married this odd high-strung girl who acted like none of us knew how to hold a baby when her first-child was born (this was the 18th grandchild…we were all long veterans by then).
Luckily, over time she relaxed and once more babies followed, I doubt she paid any attention to how we held her kids.
I agree romani. DIL sounds like she’s desperately trying to be heard over an overbearing know-it-all MIL who was trying to “win” even before this poor kid was born. I repeat my wondering if those those think she’s a royal pain plan to steamroll their own DILs and call it good, or if they’d be ok with their MIL’s telling them what is best for their kids.
While I don’t agree with the OP as to her method and words she has shared, I think it’s one thing to give your opinion and have your say (politely - as we want her to be to her “DIL”) - but really, if you are her, why would you come back here and say anything at this point?!
OP, there are some people on your side here - the majority probably not - in the end it’s your call how to react. Please consider your past history with this woman and your future - which includes your new grandchild.
If I had a new grandbaby, I don’t think it would even dawn on me that I would have to ask to include a baby pic in a “picture collage.” If I want to include a pic of someone in a collage on my Christmas card, I would just do it. I have sent out Christmas cards that have collage pics that have included pics of friends, relatives, etc in them…and I’ve received “collage pics” from others that likely include pics of people that have not been surveyed for approval.
I am certain that it would never have dawned on me to tell either set of Grands that they needed my approval before they proudly shared a pic of one of my kids with their friends. What next? Is this girl going to tell the Grands which baby pics they can display in their own home?
I think the OP’s choice of the word, “win” may have been misleading. If she’s been arguing with the new mom or lecturing her, that would be wrong. But if there has just been some innocent “mom talk” that goes on between experienced mom and new moms, that’s normal.
Just to be clear, I’m not really taking sides. I just think the digs are unnecessary is all. I’ve seen quite a few and as someone whose MIL could absolutely depict me in a similar biased way, it hit a chord.
And again, as someone who grew up in the same time period as DIL (used for convenience) I absolutely understand the picture thing. Not so much sending it out but online, absolutely.
My MIL absolutely depicted me that way, and in a sense she was right. I wish I had known that the ice cream they gave my toddlers was absolutely meaningless, and that the over-the-top Christmas gifts that offended me so much were the only memories my kids would have of them because I might have handled myself differently. But I’m fine to have been that person, which I was, regarding the car seat and smoking near the kids. So I can see both sides.
It probably would not occur to me to ask permission to include a picture. However, the OP did ask so clearly she suspected DIL might not like it. Then after asking for permission she gave pushback on the original answer AND did something other than what they agreed to.
Why even bother asking for her input/permission? i think asking and then disregarding is worse than not asking at all. Admittedly I have a pet peeve (stemming from annoying work situations) about people seeking and them ignoring my input so…
The later comments about giving lots of advice and commenting about breastfeeding and DIL spending time with her own mom all add up to someone who is likely coming across as pushier than she realizes. Which would make DIL touchy.
I am team mom not just because of the pics, its the “let her win”, “the back and forth about the pic”, the “she spends more time with her mom”, and “no one has babysat”. All of those things bundled together sounds like trouble. Its unfortunate, but a lot of kids are around their maternal grandmothers more, because girls may want to be around their moms. I feel sorry for moms of sons, but that is the name of the game. Also, who would want to leave a 10 week old at this point if you didnt have to, and you are breastfeeding?
I think maybe I’m picking team baby, assuming it’s necessary to pick.
I only have sons. I think my DIL likes me, but it occurs to me she may just be very polite and good at pretending. If that’s the case, I’m okay with it.
Partyof5 nails why I have strong opinions on this. It’s really not about the pictures at all. It’s about the boundaries, the “stake in the baby”, the fact that OP wanted to force her way into the birth event even after being told not to come, the “I somehow offended her about nursing, but I don’t recall what I said,” the minding that a 10 week old baby is somehow community property.
If someone came at me with all of that as I navigated new and UNPLANNED motherhood, I’d get snippy too. I see no reason to call this new mom names like “royal (epithet)”. It’s probably all she can do to get dressed every day right now.
alh’s #104 is exactly how I would have dealt with multiple outfit gifts–photo in each one and send them out.
This seems like a great solution to me. Also, many babies could go through multiple holiday outfits in a single day, in my experience. (Of course, I once fed QMP carrot puree while wearing a white suit with gold threading, so your mileage may vary.)
